28. Lumi
Chapter 28
Lumi
“ H ow? We’ve tried everything. It should have happened by now,” I say, tired and defeated.
Ambrose’s jaw tightens. “We haven’t tried—together.”
I raise my eyebrows at that. “You’re really going to help me?”
“Yes, I’m sorry I didn’t do it sooner. I thought you were better off training with Emeric and Rowena. But I think we’ve been going at this all wrong. You’ve come the closest to shifting when you’re with me. We will figure this out together.”
I eye him up and down, taking all of him in. I walk over to him and then glance back at Rowena and Emeric. “I’m fine, guys. He’s not going to lose control again. You can leave us alone—”
“No, they can’t,” he says.
I frown. “I’m safe—”
“You’re not. You’re not safe with me. Not like you should be. And I’m sorry, so fucking sorry, for what happened.”
“Don’t—don’t take back what happened between us. I’m not sorry about any of it.”
Ambrose’s eyes glisten, but he doesn’t say anything in response. Instead, he sweeps me toward him and crashes his lips down on mine in a hungry kiss. At the touch of his lips against mine, I realize why he didn’t want Rowena or Emeric to leave. I realize how he plans on evoking me to shift.
Amusement dances in my eyes at the idea of claiming him here in Rowena’s backyard while both Rowena and Emeric watch. But then I think better of it.
I pull away, sucking his bottom lip into my mouth as my body resists what my mind is saying before finally releasing him.
“We can’t,” I whisper, even though I know no matter how quiet I am, every wolf shifter within a couple-mile radius can hear our conversation.
Ambrose rests his forehead against mine. “Why not? You’ve come the closest to shifting when we’re together.”
“I know, but…” my eyes cut to where Rowena and Emeric are sitting, still drinking the wine and trying to act like they aren’t listening to every word of our conversation.
He strokes my face before running his hand through my hair. I want nothing more than to kiss him, fuck him, and let my emotions run wild, but I don’t think it would help me shift. My emotions are too intense when we are together.
“Show me how you shift.”
“You’ve seen me shift before,” he says.
“I know, but show me again. Walk me through it step by step. Tell me how it happened the first time.”
He grips the back of his neck and rubs gently, his bicep flexing and drawing me back to my lust-filled daze.
“I honestly don’t remember my first time; I was so young. I think five or six. But shifting now is the same as breathing. It’s instinctual. It happens when I need it to. It’s as fluid as walking or running.”
One second he’s standing in nothing but his jeans in front of me, the next he’s the impressively large wolf that still shocks me every time I see him. The gold flecks flickering bright against his dark fur, and his golden eyes beaming with hope that I can join him in my own form.
“I want to see what your wolf looks like. I want to know her as I know you,” his words are a seductive caress in my head.
I bite my lower lip. “Me too.”
I close my eyes, imagining what my wolf might look like. I imagine my silvery-white hair with dark undertones and my piercing blue eyes. Or maybe being Ambrose’s mate would give me some flecks of his signature gold color that he and the rest of the Moonlight wolves seem to share.
I let those warm thoughts fill me and try to invoke that hot fire that had burned before, but this time I try to channel the energy into shifting.
I stay like that for several long minutes, but nothing happens. The warmth never turns to the hot I felt before. Nothing changes, not even my nails sharpening into claws.
I open my eyes and sigh as I look at Ambrose, knowing the disappointment that is going to be heavy on his face.
He shifts back, and I can barely look him in the eye as my shame fills me.
“Hey, we will figure this out together. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s the curse doing this, not you.” His fingers lift my chin up to meet his gaze.
Heat fills my body as it does every time he looks at me. Desire pools between my legs as my ache for him grows.
“Use it,” he says.
I let the fire build in me. I let the heat spread as I peruse Ambrose’s body with my eyes. I run my fingers gently over the tuft of hair on the center of his chest as I bite my lower lip.
Shift .
Nothing happens.
Ambrose doesn’t grow impatient with me, though.
“Can you try to explain it to me again?” I ask.
He frowns and runs his hand through his hair. “It’s hard to explain. It would be like explaining to someone how to make their heart beat. It’s a natural process that just happens.”
“But you can control when you shift, so there has to be some practice to it.”
“Yes and no. Once it happens, all you have to do is think about shifting, and your instincts take over.”
“So I just have to figure out how to trigger it the first time?”
He nods.
“Isolde said she could use her magic to help me shift—”
“No!” His voice is loud, commanding. “No, that isn’t even an option. It would give Isolde untold power over you.”
“I thought you trusted Isolde.”
“Not with you.” His golden eyes soften.
I just have to trigger my shift one time, and then it will be as easy as breathing.
But it doesn’t happen. No matter how hard I try. No matter how many times Ambrose shows me how to shift. How patient he is. How he tries to get me to tap into my emotions. How he goes through the mechanics of it, nothing helps.
“Maybe we should try the marking ceremony anyway. Even if I can’t shift, if we are truly mates, it would still work, right?” I say suddenly as I sit next to Ambrose on Rowena’s couch in her living room, with my head resting on his shoulder.
Rowena and Emeric are making food in the kitchen, but the gentle clang of moving pots and pans around stops the second I say the words.
Ambrose shakes his head. “It would kill you.”
“Will it break the curse, though?”
Silence is my answer. I don’t know if it’s because Ambrose is trying to think it through or if he’s trying to find a way to talk me out of doing it. Finally, he says with a low growl. “It doesn’t matter because I’m not risking your life to break the curse.”
“Why? The curse has to be broken. I know you haven’t told me everything. And I don’t know how it affects you personally, but I know that it does. I know that time is running out. I’m willing to do it, no matter the consequences.”
He shakes his head. “I’m not.”
“Why?”
“Because we are mates!” Ambrose jumps up and throws his hands up like he thinks I’m crazy.
“So? You’ll get a new mate if I die; that’s what everyone keeps telling me.”
Ambrose turns to me. “I won’t. Once the marking ceremony is completed, it will only be you.”
“Then you’ll find someone to love. They may not be your mate, but you could love again. Choose your own partner and forget about all this predestined bullshit.”
“You’re not listening to me. I don’t want anyone else. I want you. I won’t accept you dying as a way to break the curse.”
“But we don’t even love each other. We’re just compatible. We’re just—”
Ambrose cuts me off with another growl. “Stop acting like you aren’t worthy—of being my mate, of me falling in love with you. Just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it won’t. We will find another way, but you aren’t sacrificing yourself to break the curse.”
I frown.
Rowena is suddenly in the living room. “I have an idea.”
We both snap our heads in her direction.
“Ambrose should initiate Lumi into the Moonlight pack. It might be just what she needs to feel like she belongs. Maybe she needs to feel part of the pack in order to be able to shift.”
My eyes brighten at her idea, but then I see Ambrose’s expression. He’s as upset as when I suggested completing the marking ceremony as a human. I realize I have no idea what it takes to be initiated into the Moonlight wolves, but whatever it is, I have to do it.