31. Frankie
THIRTY-ONE
Frankie
The day after tomorrow.
That was the end of my sentence here in Key Ridge.
I could hardly believe it. As much as I wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening, my ticket was booked and I was already packed. Maybe packing days ahead of my departure was a bit excessive, but hey, I hadn’t changed that much during my time here.
In less than forty-eight hours, I would be on a plane to Atlanta. I’d stop by my condo to get anything I’d need. Then it was off to New York to start my new career—or life, really. Funny, it didn’t feel like much of a life. But it would be, right? It had to be.
I tossed my waves up into a messy bun before tugging on an oversized fleece I’d borrowed from Mattie. Something like homesickness washed over me as I toyed with the soft green collar. My sister would be sad to see me go, but she definitely wouldn’t be upset about the fact that I could no longer raid her closet on a daily basis.
Before I walked out of the bedroom I’d hardly spent time in lately, I paused in the doorway to take it in for a second. It was funny how sentimental big changes could make you. This was just my sister’s guest bedroom, but when I looked at the worn quilt and the ancient wood side tables, all I could see was how relieved I’d been to rest my head here when I’d first gotten here. It had been a safety net amidst the unraveling of my life.
I sprinted up the basement stairs and through the house, stalling to say a quick goodbye to Giles and Mattie, who were curled up on the couch watching a movie, before stepping outside. The front porch light switched on even though the sun hadn’t completely set yet. I hugged my arms around me. It was the warmest night I could remember since arriving here. But the crispness of the mountain air still hovered.
Taking a deep breath in, I perched on the front step, waiting for Oliver to pick me up.
He’d dropped his mom off at the airport earlier, and while we’d still managed to see each other plenty during her short visit, I was excited to have him all to myself tonight and tomorrow. While it was clear his relationship with his mom was still strained, and of course they’d bickered a little, I could sense a grain of relief in his demeanor. He was different. Released. When I told him again how proud of him I was for talking it out with her, he’d said he wasn’t sure if he could have done it without me. I flushed at the memory. That alone filled me with more pride than landing any job ever could.
Headlights shone into the driveway, and I leapt up. Oliver jumped out of the car as soon as it was in park. I crashed into him. He laced his arms around me, holding me tightly as I inhaled the scent that clung to his sweatshirt.
“How many times do I have to tell you? I’ll come to the door.” Oliver pulled back a little, taking me in .
“I like waiting outside.” I stood on my tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his lips.
We got into his car. I immediately went for the radio, turning it to one of the only two stations that came through. Our windows were both rolled down, the wind snaking through the car as he drove us down a few different residential streets.
The song playing in the background wasn’t one I particularly liked, yet it fit the moment perfectly. I pulled out my phone to write it down. I needed mementos to bottle this feeling.
When Oliver pulled up to a park in front of a rather large playground, I turned to him with raised eyebrows. “A park?” I questioned.
“Yep.” He smiled, looking pleased with himself, before hopping out of the driver’s seat and jogging around to my side to open my door.
He took my hand and led me up a short sidewalk to the empty, colorful jungle gym.
“Swings,” he said proudly. “You said you liked them, right?”
I barely remembered the time I’d told him I sometimes thought about swinging in the park across the street from my old condo. “We’re too old.” Even as I said it, I climbed onto the swing, my smile huge.
Oliver waved his arms around at the empty park. “Good thing there’s no one around to see.”
“I can’t believe you remembered.”
He dipped his chin. “Frankie, give me a little credit.”
I gave him more credit than he could ever know. He was unique. Not to mention kind, thoughtful, genuine, and loyal.
I should have said all that to him, but instead, I focused ahead and started to rock back and forth on the swing, my legs kicking beneath me. The clouds from earlier in the day had cleared, leaving a bright orange and pink sunset in the distance. Soon, stars would start to poke out. It felt like a little Colorado gift for one of my last nights here.
I looked over to Oliver, who was swinging next to me now, a huge grin plastered to his face.
“How could we ever be too old for this?” he called.
Laughing, I tossed my head back, appreciating how uninhibited I felt any time he was around. Would I dare go to a playground and swing by myself in New York? Oliver made me feel brave enough to try anything. I hoped even a fraction of his boldness had rubbed off on me.
After a few more minutes, I let my feet graze the ground, abruptly halting the swing’s momentum. I came to a stop, swaying back and forth. I turned toward him.
He stared at me instead of ahead. When I caught his gaze, he winked before leaning back in the swing, pumping aggressively, and launching himself off it. He landed a perfect backflip.
“Show off,” I said.
He walked toward me and grabbed both chains of my swing in his hands, caging me in. “I’ve got to impress you somehow.”
“You impress me all the time.”
Something flashed in his eyes. He cleared his throat. “I wanted to thank you again. For spending time with my mom. I know it must have been awkward, but it really helped having you there.”
“You don’t need to thank me for that.” I watched him closely, catching a fleeting glimpse of the uncertain side of him that I only saw on rare occasions. “I’m glad I got to meet her.”
He smiled. “Me too. ”
Silence stretched between us, the weight of our separation hanging in the air. I was trying to ignore it—to be present, here in this moment—but it was all I could think about.
“So…” I started. “Any plans for after rafting? Going to try a new city this fall? I have to make sure you’ve got some sort of direction now that we’re parting ways.”
While I hated the idea of thinking about the future, I felt desperate to know where he’d be. To gather any information possible about what his future might look like. His future without me.
He paused, licking his lips before glancing down at the mulched ground. “It’s hard to think beyond tomorrow, if I’m being honest.”
“Same,” I said weakly.
His words stabbed right into my heart. The tension building inside me threatened to burst free, but I attempted to force myself to remain positive and carefree.
“I wish you could take me rafting,” I offered with a small smile.
He barked out a laugh. “I think I would be overly concerned for your safety.”
“You could take me on an easy river.”
“An easy river,” he repeated with a chuckle. “Sure, pop on down, and I’ll take you.”
“And after that, you could come to New York and we could go to the top of the Statue of Liberty.”
“Or walk across the Brooklyn Bridge,” he added.
We were lying to ourselves. Oliver wasn’t coming to New York any more than I was going to meet up with him to go rafting. We were pretending—imagining our lives as if this weren’t goodbye.
Suddenly, the forced jokes were too much for me to handle. The sadness that they weren’t true broke the dam inside me, and tears flowed freely from my eyes.
“Why is this so hard?” I choked out. My sobs became more forceful as I wiped my eyes on one of my sleeves.
Oliver released the chains of my swing and clutched me to him, lifting me off the seat. He pressed his face into the top of my head. Everything in me felt like I was going to be physically ill. I had never had a relationship serious enough to be well-versed in breakups, but this felt abnormally difficult. How could it hurt so much that I could barely breathe?
“Why does it have to be like this?” I asked. “How am I supposed to leave you behind?”
“I like you more than I ever thought possible,” he murmured into my hair. He sighed deeply before pulling back to stare into my eyes. “I’ve never cared about a girl the way that I care about you.” He pressed his lips to both of my cheeks, kissing the tracks of my tears. “But you’re headed to New York and you’re going to kill this new job. I wish—” He let out a sharp exhale. “I wish that I could be the type of guy that gets you in the end. The one with a buttoned-up job and a college degree. But I don’t deserve you, I never did. I don’t belong in New York, just like you don’t belong here.”
His words were like a knife slicing right into my chest and turning slowly. Everything around us faded into the background. There was only me and Oliver.
“This isn’t fair,” I whispered.
My whole life, I’d been on this hamster wheel, honed in on a single direction. Now that I had veered slightly off course, getting back on track felt nearly impossible. How was I supposed to turn and walk away from him? He’d changed my life for the better. He made me happy—being here in this town made me happy.
But how could I stay? How could I give it all up ?
“Frankie,” he whispered, his eyes scanning mine as if in pain. “Trust me, if I could, I’d be yours. No question about it. But you’re bigger than me. You’re meant for more.”
That made me cry harder.
“Hey,” he said gently, but when I pulled away to look at him, I saw that his eyes were wet too. “No crying, okay? Tomorrow is our last day together and I want to see your smile so much it’s permanently ingrained in my brain.”
I sniffled.
“Okay?”
“Okay,” I said.
“Now come on.” He jerked his head toward the rest of the playground. “When else are we going to get to play on one of these things without any judgy mothers staring us down?”
We were off, climbing on monkey bars and sliding down slides. Only Oliver could have me smiling so much it hurt, while simultaneously still feeling the dry, cracked tears on my cheeks.
Was this what love felt like? It had to be.
Ever since his accident, when I’d seen him all vulnerable in that hospital bed, I was pretty sure it was love. Now I was certain.
Those three little words swam around inside my mouth—like they could gush out at any second, but I held them back. They’d only cause more pain. I couldn’t tell him I loved him right before we said goodbye. It wasn’t even the fact that I was worried he might not say them back. It was the fact that if I said them, I was worried I might never be able to let him go.