33. Frankie
THIRTY-THREE
Frankie
My chest heaved with another sob as Bev wrapped me in her arms.
“Oh, dear, don’t cry,” she said, patting my back.
“Thank you for everything,” I said. “For the kind advice. And for giving me a job even though I have no business being a bartender.”
Bev chuckled and pulled away from me. She had stopped by the house to say goodbye to me. We were standing in the driveway along with Giles and Mattie.
“I’m going to miss you. Marie’s was better off with you working there. I don’t care how many incorrect drinks you made.”
“That’s nice of you to say, but I think the customers would disagree,” Mattie said.
“Hey.” I glared at my sister. “Be nice to me. This is an emotional goodbye.”
Mattie’s face was red too. We’d already had a nice little cry session as we’d packed my suitcases into her car. Being physically close to my sister during this time had been such a gift. I hadn’t realized how badly I missed her until I was in her orbit.
“You guys will visit, right?” I asked, stepping over to Giles and giving him a short embrace.
“Definitely,” he said. “Just let us know when you get settled.” He gave me a few short pats on the back. “And you get back here too. Seriously, whenever you want, even if it’s just for the weekend.”
“Wow, you aren’t sick of me?” I joked, stepping away from him.
He shrugged, smirking. “I mean, I didn’t say come back for another extended visit, but…”
“I promise I have no plans to live in your basement again any time soon,” I assured him.
With my last goodbyes being said, I had no choice but to climb into the passenger seat of Mattie’s car. Part of me wished it was Oliver’s car, but the intense ache in my chest assured me that I had made the right call not letting him drive me. I could barely think about him without completely breaking down.
Mattie got into the car and pulled away from the house. I watched it dreamily through the window, giving one last wave to Giles and Bev, who remained in the driveway.
“This is so much harder than I thought it’d be,” I said, as she pulled away from her street and onto the main road.
“It doesn’t have to be.” Mattie glanced over at me. “You don’t have to go.”
Her simple sentence set me off once again. Waterworks flowed from my eyes. I opened the glovebox in search of a tissue only to find a crumpled brown napkin. I took it and blew my nose into the rough material.
“Why would you say that right now?” I wailed.
To Mattie’s credit, she didn’t back down. “Because it doesn’t have to be like this. I know not every decision in life is going to be the easy one, but don’t you think chasing your dream shouldn’t be this hard?”
“It’s hard because of him ,” I said, knowing she’d know what I meant.
“Which is why I think you’re going in the wrong direction.”
“I can’t believe you’re trying to talk me into not going on the way to the airport.”
I could hardly believe the gall of my sister. Didn’t she know the kind of internal warfare I was already facing? The last thing I needed was for her to pile on the doubt too.
“I think you’re making a mistake,” she said.
“I can’t upturn my life for some guy! Who do you think I am?”
“It’s not for some guy, it’s for your happiness!”
I blew my nose loudly and my body heaved again. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. “I love him,” I blurted out.
Mattie’s mouth fell open, and she looked from me back to the road. “Oh my God. Frankie, what? Are you serious? Did you tell him?”
I shook my head. “That would just make things worse.”
“He needs to know.”
“I think he already does,” I admitted. While we hadn’t exchanged the words, actions spoke louder. The care with which we treated each other—the pain in our goodbye. It could only mean one thing.
Mattie let out a loud huff. “I can’t believe you’re about to get on a plane and leave without telling him that.”
“What good would it do?”
“Ugh!” Mattie drug a hand over her face. “You have no idea how badly I want to turn this car around and drive you straight to him. ”
“It’s already over,” I said, the words hollow. “Once I get to New York, this wound, or whatever it is, will slowly start to heal. I’ll kick ass at my new job and all will be right with the world.”
Mattie sighed. “I really doubt that.” Her voice was defeated, but I couldn’t let her doubt infiltrate my mind. I needed to get on that flight.
This whole experience was like ripping off a Band-Aid. The sting would linger, but it would only get better the faster I did it.
When we finally pulled up to the airport, my sister wordlessly got out of the car and walked to the trunk before opening it. I pulled out my luggage and slung my backpack around my shoulders.
“Don’t be upset with me,” I said, a new set of tears threatening to be released as I gave my sister a hug goodbye. I knew I’d see her and that we’d talk, but it wouldn’t be the same. Having her close again had been so comforting. I’d cherish this time forever.
“I’m not upset.” Judging from the deep frown on her face, I wasn’t sure I believed her. “I just want you to be happy.”
“I will be.” I squeezed her arms and tried to believe the words as I said them.
“I love you,” she said. “Text me when you land.”
I watched her get into the car and pull away, sticking her hand out the window and waving until she was out of sight.
I pulled in a slow breath and exhaled. This was it. The moment my next chapter started.
As I entered the airport and checked my bags, no feeling of excitement or anticipation crept in.
There was only emptiness.
The ground shrank as it rolled by underneath the airplane.
When the flight attendant stopped by and asked me if I wanted anything to drink, I half contemplated getting a glass of wine to numb myself but then decided that would just make the whole situation even sadder. Instead, I sipped on a ginger ale, praying the bubbles would settle the queasiness that still brewed in my gut.
I hadn’t been on a plane since the day I’d gotten laid off. I’d felt so small and scared for what was next back then. I’d felt worthless.
When had that all changed?
Part of me thought it might have been the moment I’d first met Oliver. Even before I knew he would be someone significant. Bantering with him at that bar was the first time I’d felt even a crumb of pleasure. And then our first kiss…
Ugh, why did flying make me feel so reflective? If I started to think about Oliver again, I’d definitely start crying, and my eyes were still swollen from this morning.
Even as I tried to stop the floodgates of memories, they started to play like a compilation of our greatest hits.
From the moment I met him, Oliver had challenged me to live a life worth remembering. Every interaction we’d shared had changed me for the better. It was the kind of connection that only came around once in a lifetime, I was sure of it.
Despite the tears bubbling to the surface, the tightness in my chest loosened at the memory of us snowshoeing together. How patient he’d been despite how obviously out of shape I was. He had a knack for turning the things I dreaded into something worthwhile.
Pretty soon, I caught myself fantasizing about the future. But in my fantasy, there was no small New York apartment. There was no drinks with coworkers or a big promotion at work. Instead, I saw myself laughing over a picnic with Oliver. I saw us hiking, him always trailing behind to stay next to me. I saw us getting dinner with Mattie and Giles and Bev. I imagined myself going back to Denver with him and finally meeting his brother.
It all filled me with such an overwhelming sense of peace that I nearly jolted straight out of my seat at the realization.
I was in love with Oliver.
That wasn’t just going to go away. He had somehow become the most important thing in my life.
As the miles grew alarmingly fast between us, I started to panic.
What the hell was I giving up? The man of my dreams for a job ? The thought made me shudder. What was I doing? Forcing misery on myself to complete some preconceived notion I had of my future? It was pure stupidity and denial.
My dream had changed.
I didn’t actually want this job, I’d just wanted to get it. To assure myself that I was still worthy. Now that I had it? I couldn’t think of anything worse.
Mattie was right. I was making a mistake. A colossal one. The pain would never ease because this wasn’t the path I was supposed to be on.
I belonged with Oliver. I wasn’t entirely sure what that meant or where it would lead me. All I knew was that being with him was where I needed to be.