Chapter 14 Liam
Liam
Me and my stupid fucking mouth, I swear.
Damon stares at me wide-eyed, and I have to admit, it probably seems like that question came out of left field.
But I felt something while I was watching Owen and Storm kiss like they were.
And then my dad called, and now that I know the truth about him liking both men and women, it just makes me wonder.
It probably would’ve made more sense had I explained all of that to Damon instead of just blurting out the question, but I can’t take it back now.
“I…I don’t know,” he stammers. “Why would you ask me?” He seems almost defensive.
Shit. Am I fucking this up already?
“Uhh, because your brother is gay?” I fire back, watching as he relaxes a fraction, but not much.
Snorting, he says, “Taylor came out of the womb attached to a rainbow-colored umbilical cord, wearing glitter and fake eyelashes. He hasn’t been straight a day in his life.”
The image makes me laugh because it’s so true.
“Do you remember when we were at field day in elementary school, and Taylor marched up to us holding Isaac’s hand, announcing they were boyfriends?”
“Yes, but the rest of my siblings are straight.” His eyes cut to the left like he’s nervous for some reason. As close as he and Taylor have been, I didn’t think talking about this would be such a big deal.
“Do you think someone can be straight and then turn gay?” I press.
“Is this about your dad?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I reply confidently. Hell, I’m allowed to tell a little white lie after all the shit that’s been kept from me. Not that two wrongs make a right, but dammit, I just want to know his thoughts.
“Well, my family and I believe sexuality is more of a spectrum. We think that if people allowed themselves to look for a partner of the same gender, they’d likely find one, and if they don’t give themselves that option, then they won’t, if that makes sense.
So, a person can be anywhere on the spectrum at any given time.
A relationship shouldn’t be based on gender.
It should just be with someone who makes you feel safe, supports you, and encourages you.
They’re there for you when the rest of the world is against you.
They’re there for you when you’re at your worst and celebrate you when you’re at your best.”
“Huh, kinda sounds like you and me,” I tell him.
A heavy sadness enters Damon’s eyes, like someone turned the lights off, and he sighs.
“Yeah.”
I move to sit next to him on the couch and take advantage of the proximity to elbow him in the ribs. “Maybe we should start dating then.”
Finally, I get a laugh out of him, even if it’s strained.
“If I were gonna date a guy, I wouldn’t go after one who looked like you,” Damon teases.
I try not to let him see that his comment actually affects me, because he isn’t aware of the jumbled thoughts in my brain right now.
“Alright, so what would your type be then?” I ask, tucking my left foot into my right thigh and settling back onto the couch.
The cool air in the cabin feels heavenly, floating across my bare skin, and the lights are low, thanks to the dimmer switches, creating the kind of atmosphere that could encourage someone to open up.
“My type of guy?” Damon asks. “Are we really doing this?
“Yep, enlighten me, oh wise one.”
“Hell, I don’t know, man. This is an exercise in futility; let’s just turn on another movie or something,” he says, closing his laptop and setting it on the coffee table before leaning back against the couch.
“After the last day and a half, I’m all movied out. And what does an exercise in utility mean?”
“Thank God you’re pretty,” Damon says, patting my cheek, but not answering my question. Unfortunately, I’m easily distracted, and run with the opening, deciding to lighten the mood.
“So, you do think I’m hot!”
“That’s not what I said,” he deadpans.
Pushing up from my spot next to him, I climb onto Damon’s lap and straddle him. “Tell me, then. Tell me I’m not hot.”
“Get off me, Li.” Damon pushes at my chest.
“Come on,” I tease. “You know you want me.” I begin moving my hips with the rhythm of the music he must’ve put on to facilitate his focus and concentration while he worked. It’s being piped through the house at a low volume. Now that I think about it, this whole ambiance is really a vibe.
Damon’s eyes are pinched shut, his head on the back of the couch, hands resting at his sides.
“I’m not going to stop until you tell me what’s got you so uptight on this trip, D,” I tell him, swiveling my hips again.
Why I think giving my best friend a lap dance in order to get the truth from him is a good idea, I have no fucking clue.
But I’m having fun, and maybe I can make him uncomfortable enough to finally spill his guts.
“I thought you were moodier than usual because of coming clean about my dad, but that can’t be it because you’re still grumpy as fuck, and I already told you I forgive you. ”
Upping the ante, I grab his hands and put them on my torso, really getting into the lap dance, because I’ve always believed it was better to go big than to go home.
“Liam, please stop,” he says through gritted teeth.
Of course, I don’t stop. What are best friends for if not for pushing your buttons? I grind my ass down harder, really fucking with him, until…
“I said, get off me!” I’m not ready for it, and he shoves me so hard I fall off his lap onto the floor. He’s beside me a second later. “Oh, fuck. Are you okay? I’m so fucking sorry, Li. Are you hurt?” He’s raking his gaze over my skin like he’s searching for blood.
“D, I’m six-foot-two, and I fell like eighteen inches onto carpet. I’m fine. Now, tell me what the fuck is going on with you.”
Damon’s eyes trail to his obvious erection, and mine follow just in time to see him drive the heel of his hand into it before standing up, moving to the wet bar, and pouring a drink.
He stayed sober with me when we met Owen and Storm, but it looks like whatever he’s about to say requires a little liquid courage.
After slamming back the first drink he poured, he refills his glass, and I make my way over to him. Propping one hand on the small marble countertop next to his hip, I lean forward so I’m in his line of sight.
“I can tell you from experience that anything after this glass isn’t worth it. Just come talk to me.” When he makes no move to follow me back to the couch, I hit him with the lowest blow I can manage because desperate times and all of that. “Unless you still think I can’t handle the truth.”
That gets him, and his eyes meet mine.
“That’s not it.”
“Then come tell me what it is.”
He throws back his second pour before moving back into the living room. He sits on the fireplace hearth instead of next to me, and I can’t begin to describe how much that hurts. That he’s not comfortable enough to tell me whatever it is he needs to say. That he won’t let me be there for him.
“Liam, I’m gay,” he finally says, catching me off guard.
Whoa.
I wasn’t expecting that, but I don’t really give a shit if he’s into dick. I do give a shit that he’s kept this from me, though. I’ve been wasting all this time trying to find a nice girl for him, when I should’ve been barking up trees in a whole different forest!
Boy, do I want to lash out. I want to fucking rage at him right now, but I hold back. Because it’s past time for me to prove to Damon that I can handle the truth, and handle it with grace and maturity. After taking a long inhale and letting out an even longer exhale, I finally start.
“We’ve been friends for twenty years, D. Almost our entire lives. How could you have kept this from me? You said you’d never lie to me.”
“I didn’t lie to you.”
“Well, you sure as fuck didn’t tell me about it, either, and that’s the same thing as far as I’m concerned. You know what lies of omission have cost me in the past,” I grit out, trying like hell to keep my cool.
“Come on, man, I’m not even out to my family.”
“We’ll get to that in a minute, but fuck everybody else, Damon, I’ve always been your ride-or-die. What have I ever done to make you think this would change that?”
He doesn’t have an answer for me, so I go back to why he’s kept this from his family.
“Your family is so fucking close, and your brother is already out. You would already have an incredible support system,” I tell him, willing my mind to understand.
“After everything I’ve seen Taylor go through, you think I want to make my life that hard?
As fucked up as it is, Taylor’s a big part of the reason I’m not out.
He lives his life so boldly. Totally unapologetic about how he dresses, the makeup he wears, and the men he flirts with.
Our family has always been supportive, but Tay makes me feel like I’m doing it wrong.
Like, I’m not gay enough or something. I don’t own a single rainbow-colored item.
In fact, I hate bright colors altogether.
” It’s like now that Damon’s finally able to say this to another person, he can’t stop.
“I’m not ashamed of being gay,” he continues.
“I mean, hell, it’s just part of who I am…
but that’s just it. It’s a part of who I am.
It’s not my whole personality, like Taylor.
It’s not my lifestyle; it’s just my sexual preference.
Taylor’s personality is so loud, and he’s the most out, proud, gay guy I know, and it makes me feel like I fall short.
Like I’d be a disgrace to my own community. ”
Damon finally falls silent, looking exhausted, and I can’t fathom the energy it’s taken to keep that bottled up for so long.
To be at odds with yourself like that must be excruciating. I want to be angry with him, but I can’t.
Damon needs me to be there for him in the way he’s always been there for me.
With his whole heart, no questions asked, and just making it better.
Kneeling in front of his perch on the hearth, I place my hand at his throat with my thumb under his chin, forcing him to look up at me.
“Nothing’s changed between us, okay? I don’t care that you’re gay. I’m a little butt-hurt that you felt like you couldn’t tell me, but now you have, so just relax, and try to enjoy being here.”
Damon nods, but I know he’s still spiraling.
It’s clear he feels like he’s lost control, and the best way I know for him to get it back is through work, where he controls everything through numbers and code.
I tap my fist on his knee. “Go get some work done. I’ll pour you a glass of red wine. No more liquor, though,” I add. “Only one of us needs to get blackout shitfaced on this trip, and I’ve already checked that box. Maybe tomorrow we can actually ski again.” I give him a smile that isn’t returned.
As much as I want my words to be true, and for nothing to be different, things are different. I can see it in his eyes and feel it low in my stomach.
But I don’t know why.