Chapter Fifteen
Liam
Every player has a pre-game routine. Whether it’s as simple as eating a specific breakfast or playing certain songs in the locker room. My routine used to be so simple: eat eggs for breakfast and not look at my phone for two hours before I hit the ice.
Simple, effective and helped me get in the zone. I don’t think I have been in the zone since the day I found out I was going to be a dad. Eggs are still my pre-game breakfast, but how am I supposed to put my phone away when Ellis could need me? This morning I nearly missed the baby kicking. Again.
Ellis has been able to feel it for a little while, flutters inside her. But the last few days they’ve been stronger, strong enough to feel from the outside, and I kept missing it. First it was because I was at training, then yesterday I missed it again because I was at my place while Ellis was getting kicked about half an hour away.
I only managed to feel it this morning because I swung by to see if they wanted to come to the game, to which the answer was still no. I was about to walk out when Ellis called me back and I finally felt it. That feeling hitting my palm could have knocked me over and now I can’t put my phone down, even though the puck drops in an hour.
“Ruinsky! My office!” I hear coach yell. He yelled at me more today during practice than ever before, and I wish I could say it is just because he’s in a bad mood. In fairness, he is always in a bad mood, so, it must be the fact I am playing like shit that’s the problem.
As I walk towards his office, Rook “oohs” and “ahs” like a child, but I don’t have it in me to flip him off. Luckily, I have Edge who is more than willing to do the honour for me.
“Hey coach, what’s up?” I try to avoid going in, I just lean on the side of the door frame like a scared little boy, but I don’t want to be yelled at right now. Coach’s thick brows are furrowed as he stares me down.
Coach Mitch is a great man. He loves the game and he loves his players. Most of the time. He knows his stuff and he is not the type of man to butt in with our personal lives unless it starts to affect the game.
“Don’t play dumb, Ruin. What’s gotten into you?” His voice remains stern. Giving into the tone, I sulk all the way into the room flopping onto the chair facing him.
“Just not on it today I guess,” I reply limply. It’s a shitty excuse but it is worth a try. This is the last game of our season, so I know he’ll give me no grace.
Some would think that because this game doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of the NHL he would let it go, but that is not Coach Mitch’s style. He wants to win, go out on a bang, show the other teams that we are a solid team that just had bad luck this go around.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Your Highness.” He is trying to get under my skin. Rile me up. “I didn’t realise players got a pass because they don’t want to do their job properly.”
“Coach, look…” I can smooth this over. Say I have a pulled muscle or some other bullshit he might buy.
Coach’s demeanour softens by only a short margin before he continues, “I know son, being here when you want to be there hurts. I know that first-hand, but you can’t let everyone else down because of it.”
My excuses weren’t working, so I give in to his way. “What do I do?” I ask.
Coach leans forward on his desk, hands clasped together. “Your job. You get on the ice and into the zone and play your ass off until we win, and then you get to go home and be with your family.” He makes it sound so simple. But getting in the zone is hard when every time I focus my mind goes back to the moment I felt that kick on my hand and it knocks me out of it all over again.
“I just wish they were here,” I tell him truthfully, my voice a whisper.
I notice Coach’s eyebrows are less of a frown, and his face is awash with sympathy. “I’m sorry, son. But there’s nothing we can do about that.” At least he genuinely looks like he feels bad for me, Coach Mitch isn’t the type of man to blow up my ego just for the sake of it. “What we can do is win so you go home to a celebration. Look, this is the last game of the season and then you have months to love on your girl, just get through tonight,” he urges.
“Sorry, Coach.” I know he is right, each minute the puck drop gets closer.
Coach leans back in his chair again before bellowing, “Let’s go play some hockey!”
All I can think about is skating onto the ice and seeing everyone’s families smiling at them except mine. The only other person in my boat is Edge, but that’s because he doesn’t talk to his family much any more. Not since his dad died anyway.
I know that it’s unfair to want Ellis here. She has her life to plan, and coming to a hockey game is a very large deviation from that plan. I knew when we decided to co-parent that our lives would revolve around whatever she needed because she will be the lead caregiver. She’ll be there every day, doing everything, while I play hockey. I would never fault her for that.
On top of the parenting responsibilities, I think about the other challenges she faces. Ellis never chose to have fibromyalgia. Life took away that choice, so I give her as much choice as I can with how we are going to be working together going forward. Even if I wish she chooses differently sometimes.
We haven’t even spoken about the near kiss last week, but I can’t deny that it is another thing keeping me distracted. I wanted nothing more than to kiss her, to show her how I feel about her, but I know in my heart that she doesn’t want that. Ellis is being ruled by her hormones, and I need to be the level-headed one when all I want to do is take her to bed and not let her leave until she is addicted to me.
I think Anders has picked up on my weird vibes. I expected him to come over after coach had me in his office, but he just stares at me from across the room. Anders never shies away from sharing his opinion and I know he has a bunch about the way I behaved in practice.
He was majorly biting his tongue for some reason. I guess he feels sorry for me, he doesn’t want to give me a lashing when he thinks I’ve already had enough. A captain has to be the one to lift us up, not take a bat to our kneecaps, so he is giving me a wide birth. Even though it’s probably killing him.
Even now as we line up for warm-ups, he keeps looking over his shoulder at me like he’s worried I might disappear. He needn’t worry though. My plan is to win this game in record time. Like, world record-breaking speed, so I can go home and feel my baby kick again before Ellis goes to sleep.
I can hear music blaring through the speakers as an omnipotent voice counts down to our entrance in the corridor leading to the ice. Three, Two, One … Go . In succession, we all skate on seamlessly as usual. The sight and sounds of roaring fans still hit me every time. The oppressive lighting and thundering noise from the arena flows through my bloodstream.
There is nothing else like it. It’s completely electrifying. It’s the thing that gets my blood pumping and my adrenalin flowing; it is the same feeling I’ve gotten since the first time my blades touched the ice as a child. A feeling of home, of rightness, the feeling that told me this is what I wanted to do with my life.
I once thought there was nothing better than it. That was until I held Ellis in my arms again.
Suddenly, it feels like the ice is swept out from under me. My legs feel weaker as I look beyond the glass surrounding the rink. Sat right behind the goal, are Ellis and Jack. She’s wearing a large jersey adorned with my number eight. Her hair is curled and her lips are painted red to match our crimson-coloured kits.
I can’t believe she’s here. She must know I wouldn’t be able to stay away. On shaking legs, I skate over to them while trying to ignore the lump forming in my throat.
The crowd is cheering so loud that I know she wouldn’t hear me talking to her, instead I rip off my glove to knock on the Plexiglass in greeting. It only crosses my mind for a second that this will probably bring attention to her and our relationship; but I’m too happy to think about the consequences. For all everyone else knows, Ellis and Jack could be anyone to me. But if she’s here, it must mean she’s ready for Cassie to release a statement about my impending fatherhood. I can’t imagine what brought about her sudden change of mind. Regardless, her presence is all the support I could need right now.
However, Jack is in my bad books. He’s wearing a Felix jersey instead of one bearing what I want to be his future surname.
I will take the time to lecture him on the importance of repping the right man on the ice later though, right now I hold up my hand for him against the glass.
“You’re here,” I speak loudly, hoping Ellis will hear. I can’t be sure she knows exactly what I said, but she nods rapidly in response, her wide smile beaming in excitement.
Jack is either hopped up on sugar or adrenalin because his eyes are wild. Still, he is looking at me with pride that nearly stops my heart. I didn’t think approval from a five-year-old would mean so much to me just a few months ago.
Ice flies up next to me as Anders slides to a stop. “Surprise!” he says to me pointing at Ellis.
“You knew about this?” By the smug grin on his face, I already know the answer, but I’m still waiting for them to disappear and it all to have been some kind of hallucination caused by the amount of Axe spray Rook wears.
“I helped plan this, shit, you are a hard man to keep a secret from. You looked like a kicked pup all day.” He slaps my shoulder, smiling at my still-shocked face. He skates away again, throwing a wink.
I follow behind him with a new sense of eagerness.
I know I’m going to win this game. I have some people to impress.
A shutout. 5-0. The best we have played all damn season. Shit, if we had been playing like that we might have been in with a shot of the Stanley Cup, but I’m happy with the alternative. Instead, I get a few extra weeks of break to be Liam the dad, not just Ruin the hockey player.
Felix made a point to tell me that every goal he saved was for Jack, so I think that is going to cement him as the favourite player whether I like it or not. I might just not tell him. But who am I kidding? Of course I’m going to tell him. He’ll be so excited. Almost as excited as I am to get out of this arena. As soon as the final whistle blew I was all but flying down the tunnel and into the shower. The quicker I am clean and changed, the quicker I can get to Ellis and Jack.
Sliding my feet into my loafers I am near skipping every other step as I try not to run to the family room of the arena. My post-game suit jacket billows with the speed I walk down the shiny corridors towards them.
I burst through the door and my eyes find Ellis waiting for me. She’s over in the corner sat in a plush-looking chair with Jack bouncing at her side talking to a few other kids. It calms me to see that she’s not alone though. Cassie is sat beside her talking a mile a minute, but it seems that as soon as her eyes meet mine she loses focus.
“Liam!” Jack is quicker on his feet than his mother. He throws himself in the air at me waiting to catch him. “You were so cool! Hockey is so fast! Did you see Felix save every goal?! He’s so cool, he looked at me before he skated off. I hope he thinks I’m cool, too. Do you think I’m cool? I think you’re cool.”
“Jack sweetheart, take a breath.” Ellis interrupts the whirlwind in my arms.
I can’t help but laugh at his excitement. “Felix definitely thinks you’re cool, he told me that he saved every goal just for you,” I tell him.
Jack’s eyes widen even further. “Woahhhhhh really? I love hockey. I love you, Liam.” He jumps out of my arms and runs back to join the gaggle of other children.
But I’m frozen.
Ellis is frozen.
I know it’s probably just the adrenalin, but maybe he meant it. I want to believe he meant it.
She looks at me, slightly shell-shocked, but her eyes are still full of warmth. “Congratulations, Mr Ruinsky,” she breaks the silence. I wonder if she’s congratulating me on the win or receiving Jack’s love.
I chuckle at her formality. “Well, thank you Ms Ainsley.”
It would feel right to take Ellis into my arms to celebrate a moment like this. But I don’t want to take away from Jack’s admission. Instead, I let his words settle between us, and wonder if Jack can love me, could his mother ever love me the same way again?
“Jack buddy, come on,” I call him over and he jumps up at me again, but this time I swing him up onto my shoulders so I can tuck Ellis into my side.
Apart from telling Jack to take a breath and congratulating me, Ellis hasn’t said anything since I walked into the room. But I’m not going to push her. Being here was already more than I could have asked for.
She knows that coming here, being in this room, is a sure-fire way for our new future, her pregnancy, to hit the news. Her facing it head-on is enough to make me weak. But I’ll ignore it for a few more hours, until Jack is in bed and we can make a full plan.
I don’t mind waiting. Being around Ellis Ainsley is like waiting for the sun to rise, like watching the first hints of light flow over the hills and brighten everything it touches. She bursts through the darkness of the nights.
That’s why I call her Sunshine.