Chapter Eighteen
May
Ellis
Liam’s hand slides up the outside of my thigh and his thumb rubs under the hem of my dress. The heat of his chest against mine takes my heart rate through the roof. I wonder if he can feel my heart beating against his.
Any thought is wiped from my mind when his lips drop to my throat, he nips and sucks his way up to my jaw and I feel heat flood between my legs. It still isn’t enough, I need so much more. But Liam seems content with teasing me. His hands continue to run up and down my thighs before sliding around to grab my arse over my dress.
“Please Liam,” I moan out and feel him smirk against my skin.
“Please what, Sunshine?” he whispers, not pulling back to look at me.
“More… Just more.”
It seems he is done taking things slow, because when his hands run back down again he hooks them around my thighs and lifts me before slamming me against the wall.
Shit, that hurt.
Wait, where is Liam?
Fuck. I try to open my eyes against the bright morning light. I’m praying this is another dream, but the fact my back feels like every vertebra is fusing together tells me it’s not.
Tears start to flow out of the sides of my eyes and creep towards my ears, but when I try to wipe them away my arms are like lead. A flare-up like this has not happened for a very long time. I knew stopping my meds was going to hurt, but during my last pregnancy no flare-up felt like I was undiagnosed again. Every fibre of my body feels like it is being turned inside out and ripped in half over and over.
I need to push through. I need… I need… Jack needs me . The pain needs to wait, I need to be a parent. What time is it? Shit, I can’t get to my phone.
There are so many things I still need to do: Bloom and Blossom needs to open, and even if I could get to my phone, I can’t expect Lyndsey to take the whole day by herself. No, I need to get up and push through, I can’t let the pain beat me. But fuck , it hurts.
My tears are non-stop now because I know, I know the only thing that will bring me some comfort and help me move even slightly is painkillers, but I can’t bring myself to take some. It would kill me for the baby to be dependent on drugs when she is born. There are painkillers that are pregnancy safe, paracetamol for one, but that wouldn’t even begin to scratch the surface. I’d take codeine usually but there is a high chance the baby can become dependent on them in utero so I can’t bring myself to take even one. One probably wouldn’t have a big effect, but I just can’t because I can’t imagine having to watch my baby go through withdrawals when they are only a few hours old. That pain would out trump this by thousands.
Me and Liam are having a baby girl. When the doctor told us, my heart broke into pieces and she stole every shard. I think Liam was hoping for a girl, he has spoken non-stop about me teaching him how to do hair so he can be helpful, talking about teaching her hockey with Jack since he found out. The excitement of the news made me feel like I was floating and this is the crash back to earth. The rude reminder of my life. I know I need to do anything I can to help me get through the day and the only thing that feels like it might help is painkillers. It is either I take some or I lie here until I become one with the bedspread.
But to get the painkillers I have to move.
Shit .
There aren’t many times when I wish I had a partner but now is one. If only I had a strapping hockey player sharing my bed who could help me, who would help me any way he can. I can hear Jack shuffling out of the toilet and I hate to ask him for help but I don’t know what else to do. He knows that his mum has days where she isn’t as strong but I try to skirt around the nitty gritty as much as I can.
“Jack, sweetie, can you come here?” Okay game face Ellis, don’t let him see how much it hurts . Smiling wide as he walks into my room I use all my energy to roll onto my side to him.
“Morning Mum, you okay?” He rubs his eyes with his little tiny fists.
“Yeah bud, I’m okay, can you grab my phone for me? I need to call Lyndsey, I’m going to be late for work.” All I need to do is get the phone and talk to Lyndsey, I might just tell her to leave the shop closed today and beg her to come look after Jack for me.
“Are you sore? You should call Liam.” All hope that I was hiding my pain goes out the window. Jack is little, but not stupid.
“Yeah I am,” I answer honestly. “But it’s okay, can you please pass me my phone? I will talk to Liam later, don’t worry.” Stay calm , I think to myself. Just focus on getting the phone, don’t think about the pain or the nausea. I will tell Liam when I have to but it has been a long time since he has dealt with a flare-up. Back in university I remember one time where he started questioning my use of medication. He thought he knew best and it killed me to want someone to lean on and not have them on your side.
“ Ellis, you need to stop.” His voice a mix of anger and defeat. His jaw clenched together so tight I worry it might crack.
“Stop what?” I am in too much pain for his riddles. He stands next to my bed holding a sheet of pills away from me.
“I know how painkillers work. You don’t need more, you want more, there is a difference.” Each word feels like a dagger to the heart. I’ve heard this all before but never from him. I thought Liam understood.
“What did you just say?” I want him to take it back and I think when he sees the rising fire in my eyes he realises his mistake too late.
“Ellis…” He tries to explain but I am revved up. I am in so much pain I think death would be kinder and he wants to accuse me of drug chasing.
“No Liam, fuck you. Get out!” I throw the pillow from next to me at him. I wish I had something more substantial to hand but it’s the best I can do. Even that movement causes bile to rise in my throat.
“No, Ellis listen.” Falling to his knees at my bedside, he tries to take my hands in his but I am too mad to let him.
“You have no fucking idea do you? Oh, to be so perfect.” Tears flow down my face as the anger and pain pour out of me in tandem. “You think I want this? I thought you knew me better than that but I am not going to let some dude without a medical degree try to tell me what I’m feeling.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” He wipes the tears from my cheeks but that act of comfort makes me madder.
“No Liam. Next time you get thrown into the boards or one of your teammates break a bone remember that that is what I feel every second of every day and I do it without complaint. I get up and go to class and do what I have to do while wishing I could scream. Now here you come making me feel worse about something I can’t change.” I am full on sobbing now, my words spoken through hiccups and laboured breaths.
“I’m sorry. I just, I hate seeing you like this.” He has told me that a million times but wishing it away doesn’t work. I know because I have tried.
“And you think I like it? Look if you’re going to judge me for taking painkillers I have been prescribed then there is no point in you staying.”
“I’m sorry, you’re right. Come here.” He slides himself under the covers next to me. Part of me wants to fight him but a bigger part just wants a hug. So I let him in; curling myself into his side I take shallow breaths as he rubs a gentle hand up and down my spine. “Forgive me, Sunshine?”
Safe to say he changed his opinion on medication after that. He did what he could to help me after that but it has been a long time. He might have gone back to his old way of thinking for all I know. It will be better for me if I wait until I feel good before I tell him. That way I won’t feel like a burden.
“Don’t worry Mum, I got it, I can fix it.” Jack grabs my phone from the nightstand, running out of the room with it. His face had a little flash of mischief knowing I can’t chase him.
“Jack, come back!” The sound of his running footfall gets further away despite my yelling.
“JACK!” Some instinct tries to make me move and I throw my body up to a sitting position, but before I can fully make it, the pain flows through me so violently that blackness coats the edges of my vision. I fall back down onto the bed again as darkness clouds my eyes.
Knowing I can’t afford to lose consciousness right now, I try to wiggle myself up again but to no avail. Each inch I move feels like molten knives are puncturing my muscles. Each joint feels fused together, clicking as I shift.
Jack doesn’t come back when I yell for him, but I can hear him chatting on the phone. I don’t know where my boy got his sudden heroism from, but I hope Lyndsey forgives me for letting my child call her so early.
She knows better than anyone that having a flare-up can’t be scheduled. As much as I wish they could. There are things I can do to prevent them, like rest and not push myself, but that isn’t realistic day to day – especially now I’m pregnant again.
Everything will be okay, I think silently to myself.
Just.
Breathe.