Chapter Twenty-Three
Ellis
I’m not an ungrateful person. When someone holds a door open for me, I always thank them and I never take simple things for granted. But I keep thinking something super ungrateful: I hate being in Liam’s house.
Don’t get me wrong, the guest bedroom is beautiful and full of light and he is waiting on me hand and foot – but that’s part of the problem.
My flat isn’t a big posh mansion, but it is mine. I have my own room here at Liam’s, even have an en suite bathroom. But it feels more like a hotel room than a home. I am just a visitor passing through until another guest fills the room.
I feel so out of my depth being the centre of attention. Liam checks on me every hour to see if I am comfortable or if I need anything and it should be a dream. For the first day and a half it was, but now I’ve been bedbound for three weeks and nobody lets me move.
I tried to do some stock ordering for Bloom and Blossom and when Lyndsey found out she told on me to Liam. When I argued that the doctors said I had to stay in bed, not that I had to stop living, I was told to “enjoy my time off and relax”. I tried to throw a pillow at his head but he caught it, fluffed it, then put it behind me.
Exhausting. Kind and thoughtful and oh so loving, but fuck , I just want to go for a walk or take Jack to school. I’m not asking to run a marathon.
Part of the problem is how beautiful everything is, because I can almost imagine having this forever. A beautiful house with a chef preparing meals for us because Liam didn’t want to poison us with his lack of kitchen skills. She made me crumpets from scratch for Christ’s sake, and they are incredible and they weren’t burnt on one side like they are when I make them in my toaster.
It is so easy to imagine this as my life. Liam wants this to be our life. I’m okay with that, well most of it. I want to cook my own meals and to be allowed out of bed whenever I want and in my heart I know he isn’t going to change his mind and leave us like Jack’s dad did, but a little part of my brain can’t seem to agree. We still haven’t spoken about the last time we had sex. We just keep tiptoeing around it.
I know he said he wouldn’t have sex with me until I was ready to be together, and I thought I was. The way he looked after me after our run-in with Michael, the way he has handled the press asking questions so I can keep my privacy. He is a great man and a great partner. But I am still scared. I don’t know why I can’t trust him when he tells me he is in. I wish I could pinpoint exactly what he could do to prove his devotion but I can’t. It isn’t him it’s me – as cliché as that sounds. I need to trust myself enough to let him in. I want to commit to him, but whenever I feel ready to say the words, a little voice in my head stops me. I wish I could prove to him that it did mean something, it does mean something, but the words just don’t seem to come out.
With every little thing Liam has to do for me, that judgmental voice gets louder, tells me I’m a burden to him so it won’t take long for him to get bored. He has put himself on the line by telling me what he wants and all he needs is for me to meet him halfway.
Then there is the mum guilt. Every time I think about Jack, a lump forms in my throat. He must feel like I have abandoned him just like his dad because everything that I used to do Liam is doing instead. I can’t take him to school or join in at bath time – instead, I am the princess in the tower.
I don’t feel like his mum, I feel like I’m just someone he knows. I know it sounds crazy but going from being a full-time single mum to only seeing him for a few hours when he comes and sits in bed with me to watch The Great British Bake Off is hard. Every time I try to tell him how sorry I am he just hugs me and tells me he loves me, crushing me even more.
He is so damn caring and gentle, a part of me wishes he would throw a tantrum so I would know he misses me doing stuff for him as much as I miss doing it. That must make me a terrible person, wanting my son to be sad just so I can feel vindicated.
My beautiful boy is sat with me as I remind myself to just hold him and be happy. Every day after school he comes into my bedroom and tells me about his day, sometimes the boys from the team take him skating or to the park. I guess they do so to form a stronger bond as a chosen family. It’s working.
“I only fell over once today, Liam says I’m getting really good out there.” He tells me full of energy. He skated for nearly two hours today and I don’t know how he has any energy left. Oh, to be a kid .
“Well, you do have good teachers, who was with you today?” Someone always meets them at the rink and Jack finally got to meet Jackson Felix – the Spears goalkeeper – last week, he spoke about it for hours.
“It was just Liam and Rook but that was good because I think Rook might be my new favourite,” he says in a whisper.
“Rook? Why not Liam?” I ask.
“I love Liam but I see him all the time so he doesn’t count, he’s family. Rook is cool, he is funny.” Before I can say anything about that Liam walks into the bedroom, stopping short in the doorframe.
“Excuse me? I must be having a bad dream because I thought I just heard Jack say that Rook is his favourite?” Liam says dramatically and as soon as he hears his voice, Jack squeals and hurries under the covers with me.
“I don’t know Liam, I think he did.” I laugh.
“Mummmmm!” Jack groans as Liam comes over to the side of the bed he is hiding in and rips the covers off.
“Say I’m your favourite,” Liam demands.
“Nope.” Jack giggles harder.
“Oh, you’re gonna regret that,” Liam says before attacking Jack with tickles. Beside me on the bed, the two of them toss and wiggle but Liam doesn’t relent until Jack is gasping for air. Pulling back, Liam pins Jack down on the bed.
“Say it, say I’m your favourite.” When Jack doesn’t answer right away because he is still catching his breath Liam pokes him in the side once more.
“You’re my favourite, I promise!” Jack laughs out, smiling up at Liam like a son looks at his father and my heart stops. The whole time I have had all this mum guilt and Liam has stepped up to parent Jack. He isn’t just looking after him until I’m better, he is being his parent.
“Good. We have an hour until dinner if you want some screen time.” Liam stands back up and Jack scrambles out of the bed but before he runs from the room he turns back to give me a kiss.
“Love you, Mum!” he shouts before bolting off again.
“Love you, bud!” I yell after him.
Liam kicks off his shoes before sliding onto the bed beside me where Jack was just sitting. He fusses over me for a moment, fixing the pillows behind me, and hands me a glass of water off the bedside table.
“How are you doing?” he asks.
“Going crazy in this room,” I answer, the same way I have every time he has asked today.
“I’m sorry Sunshine, but you know it’s right for you and the baby,” he tells me again.
“I feel so useless,” I sigh.
“You are growing a whole ass baby, you’re doing more work than most people just by sitting here.”
I wish he was less sweet. Wish he would tell me to get over it and to stop complaining.
“When can I go back to the shop?” I ask after a while.
“When the baby is born,” he reminds me, ignoring my groan of protest. “I was going to take Jack to the shop today after school but Anders volunteered to go instead.”
“Okay…?” He said that like it’s strange, but I thought the guys were taking turns to check in on my business to make sure it doesn’t burn to the ground.
“I think something is happening with him and Lyndsey,” he tells me with a sneaky smirk.
“What?” I almost yell. Remembering that he dropped her off at work the day of my accident, I snap my posture ramrod straight beside him.
“I don’t know for sure but every time I even mention Bloom and Blossom he either blushes – blushes! – or volunteers to go and check on it for me.” I can’t believe this is the first I’m hearing about this after Lyndsey’s protests, but I know Liam. He will have been doing his own investigating so he can give me as much information as possible.
“Sneaky sneaky.” I smile.
“I know but he’s not telling me anything. There’s a project for you: annoy Lyndsey into telling you if there’s something there.” I smirk at him trying to give me something to distract my mind. He knows I love a challenge. And what a wild one it is. My Lyndsey and his Anders. Oh yes, that is something I can work with.
“You’re incredible you know?” I tell him. My heart suddenly warm with everything he is doing.
“Where’d that come from?” he asks rearing back a little to look at me fully.
“I just, I’m so proud that I’m having this baby with you of all people.” I shrug shyly.
“Sunshine—” he starts before I interrupt him.
“No, let me say this.” I know if I stop and don’t get this all out right now I never will. “Liam, you have stepped up for me and Jack more than anyone else ever has and I didn’t even ask. Hell, I wouldn’t have asked but you did it anyway. You are basically raising my son right now while being my nurse and still keeping in shape for next season and I just, I guess I want you to know how amazing you are.”
“I’d do it a million times over if it made you smile, Sunshine,” he tells me. I can hear the emotion in his voice, but I don’t mention it as he pulls me into his side and kisses my forehead.
“Thank you.” I will be thankful for him forever.
“You need anything?” he asks, and when he goes to pull back the covers to get out of the bed, I grab his hand before he can get too far.
“How about a cuddle?” I nibble at my bottom lip worried he will have stuff to do. Instead he crawls back into the bed and shuffles down until he is lying beside me.
“I think I can manage that.” He pulls me over to him so my head is resting on his chest.
We lie in a comfortable silence, breathing in sync as I listen to his heartbeat. The feeling of his T-shirt is soft against my face and he smells like something fresh and woodsy that I can’t put my finger on, but I enjoy it anyway. I also enjoy when he starts to run his fingers through my hair. It’s gotten so much longer recently, but I love when he plays with it so much that I don’t want to cut it anytime soon.
I stay in his arms until his phone pings on the bedside table with a text from our chef telling him the food is ready whenever he wants it. Even though I’m not ready to leave his arms yet, we untangle our limbs and he goes to fetch Jack for dinner, promising me he will bring me my plate up right away.
I think about how it might be time I ask about moving into the master suite with him.