Chapter Twenty-Four
Liam
This time last year fatherhood was not on my mind. I always hoped I would be a dad someday, but I never really thought it would happen. Now, here I am in the pick-up line at Jack’s school with the windows rolled down, blasting my cheesy Nineties boyband playlist with an easy smile.
Some of the other parents give me sideways glances but I pay them no mind, it feels right being here. Sun shining down on me as I wait for Jack to come out with the rest of his class, this has been my new routine since Ellis left the hospital.
Personally, I think fatherhood looks good on me. My mom said the same when she FaceTimed me yesterday. When I told her not to come up here after Ellis was put on bed rest, the only condition she had was that I had to call her every day with updates, even when there aren’t updates to give her. On those uneventful days she just wants to know about me and how I’m getting on. It’s the most I’ve talked to her in years, and she’s loving it. Even dad gets in once in a while to ask about hockey and offer random baby advice. His most recent piece was not to buy baby supplies until after the baby is born. It’s an old Russian superstition, but I had to break it to him that it’s far too late for that.
On quick little feet, Jack jogs over to the car and hops into his car seat. The first time I picked him up, I offered to strap him in. He looked at me like I was stupid and told me “I think I have more practice than you.”
He wasn’t wrong. I forget how grown up he is. Before I met him, I thought five-year-olds where basically toddlers, but Jack is a little human with opinions and the ability to strap himself into the car.
“Hey bud, how was school?” Normally he gives me a run through of every little thing he did and every thought he had, but today he just meets my eye in the rear-view mirror and shrugs.
“You okay?” I’m trying not to worry, but if something is wrong it will be my first Jack problem to possibly solve alone.
“Yeah.” Jack’s little voice is quiet, I’m not even sure he heard what I said, but if he isn’t ready to talk I’m not going to push him. Maybe I should wait until we get home and ask for Ellis’s input.
“Liam?” Jack asks after a while of driving.
“Yeah, bud?” The atmosphere in the car feels different than usual somehow. Heavier.
“Can we stop for a bit before we go home?” At its base, that isn’t a strange request. Sometimes we meet up with some of the guys to skate, but I can hear a wobble in his voice and it’s putting me on edge.
“Where do you want to go?” The sun is shining down, but my sunny mood feels like it’s floating away in the breeze.
“Maybe the park?” I watch in the mirror as he worries at his bottom lip while watching the world zoom by out of the window.
“You wanna play in the park for a bit?” Please want to play, please tell me this weird mood is all in my head.
“No, I–I want to talk to you about something.” Well shit .
“Oh okay, yeah we can do that.” I just need to pull myself together before we get there.
By the time I’ve pulled into a space at the park I would say I am about 30 per cent more chill. Not a lot, but Ellis’s son is asking for a private chat. He could tell me he doesn’t want to live in my house any more. He could tell me to leave him and his mom alone altogether.
I have my fingers crossed that maybe he just has a problem at school he wants to talk about or maybe he has his first little crush. The thing that settles me most is when I jump out of the car and I flick through my wallet polaroids. Seeing Ellis’s growing bump calms my soul. Every month I look forward to adding another to my collection, since she lives in my house now, Ellis argued that she doesn’t need to take them any more. Yeah, no , I love these little reminders of what is coming.
We walk in silence hand in hand through the winding paths for a while. Summer in this park is beautiful, but until Jack came into my life I hardly spent any time here. Even when I go for a run I tend to go around the neighbourhood or in the gym, but I’ve been missing out.
Tall trees edge the paths and grow far overhead, painting sprawling shadows along the walkway. In the distance I can hear the sound of children in the main section of the park. It’s louder than usual, but that’s not surprising given the weather. I do wish we were somewhere more private for whatever this conversation is, but there is something calming about this place. Even if it is full of children and their parents staring at me to figure out where they recognise me from, it must be something to do with having Jack by my side that makes it so enjoyable.
I notice that Jack is heading towards the lake and I can’t help but smile. When I was a kid this was the same little lake my dad would take me to feed the birds. Those times were few and far between. He worked so hard to make sure I had everything I could ask for, but it just made it all the sweeter when we would get that time.
There is a small fence stopping you from getting too close to the water now, but back then I used to sit right on the water’s edge, listening to my dad tell me stories of his childhood. I never thought about bringing my own son here one day, I never thought I would have the chance.
We aren’t here to feed the birds or to tell stories from my past. We are here because Jack needed to get me alone. The benches on the side are not the same as when I was young, back then they were rickety wooden things held together by nothing but splinters.
The newer ones are faux wood but made from recycled plastic that was collected in the park a few years ago. It was the first community project I helped out with when I joined the Spears. All the players came out in matching shirts with litter pickers while the press snapped away and asked questions about the environment. At the time, I thought it looked like we were just doing community service, but either way we now have nice, recycled benches for Jack and I to sit on.
“Come on Jack, you’re killing me. What’s wrong?” I try to laugh it off, but my real feelings are starting to show.
“I don’t know where to start,” he tells me, finally meeting my eyes for the first time this afternoon.
“Start where you want, we can always loop back if you need to.” I hope he hasn’t noticed how anxious I am. Perhaps my reaction is putting him more on edge.
“It’s always just been me and mum,” he begins. The words sink in my stomach.
“I’m sorry.” I don’t even know what to say but he shakes his head lightly at me.
“No, I–I like you being around. I just, well I’ve never had a dad and I don’t ask Mum about him because I see how sad she gets.” He goes back to avoiding my eyes.
“Oh Jack, your mom would always answer your questions,” I reassure him. I know Ellis. It might hurt her, but she would do it every time.
“I know, but I like it better when she’s happy, like when she is with you. But it’s just different than before.” He is breaking my heart, I can see that he still hasn’t gotten to his point though, because anxiety is still flowing off him.
“I like you being around Liam, you make Mum happy, you look after her and I think you’re cool. I never had a dad but you’re going to be the baby’s dad forever right? You’re not going to leave her?” That’s when he meets my eyes again and my heart drops seeing the tears he is trying to hold back.
“Is that what’s worrying you, that I’m not going to stick around?” I’ve spent so long trying to prove to Ellis that I’m in this for the long haul that I just assumed Jack would know too. I’m an idiot.
“It would hurt if you left me too.” His voice shakes, then he bursts into tears. Heavy sobs wrack his little body, his bright blue eyes filling at the brim, unable to hold them back any longer.
“Oh Jack, come here.” I pull him onto my lap and some tears leak onto my shirt. I let him cry it out and rub circles on his back. “I’m not going anywhere, I’m not just staying for your mom and the baby, I’m staying for you too, okay?”
“You and Mum and the baby will be a family without me.” He sobs into my shoulders. This kid has been having some huge feelings. I never would have expected a five-year-old to even have thought about this stuff but Jack has. Then again, Jack isn’t a normal kid, with his mom’s illness and his dad’s absence, it shouldn’t be surprising that he is wise beyond his years.
“No Jack, never. You are my family,” I tell him and I mean it to my core.
“I wish you were my dad.” His voice is scratchy and raw but I hear him over his sobs. I wish I was his dad too. I have since I found out Ellis was pregnant with him by scrolling on social media. I thought that it should’ve been me all along. Now that I have had the displeasure of seeing Michael up close, I wish it even more. That man didn’t deserve Ellis and he sure as shit doesn’t deserve Jack.
“Then I am,” I tell him.
“What?” Jack pulls his tear-stained face away from my shoulder looking at me with eyes full of confusion. I wish I could hug him hard enough to put all of his broken pieces back together.
“If you want me to be your dad then I will be your dad. I’d be lucky to have a son like you.” I mean it, too. If my daughter turns out half as amazing as her brother then she will be more than I could ever have wished for. I’m staying in this boy’s life for as long as he wants me: it will be me who teaches him to shave, me who helps him talk to his first crush.
It will be me who shows him how to treat the people you love and I will love him so hard that hopefully he forgets his birth father ever existed. He may not share my DNA but he owns a big part of my heart.
“You promise you’re not going to leave?” His little pinkie comes between us showing me again that he is still just a child.
Without a second’s hesitation I link my finger with his. I haven’t made a pinkie promise in a very long time but I’m sure they are as legally binding now as they were when I was young.
“The only time I’m going anywhere is when I have to go for work but I will always come back to you guys. It’s the easiest promise I’ve ever made.” I swear to him.
“I love you, Liam.” Hearing him say that again for the first time since the hockey game melts my heart in my chest. I thought it was a heat of the moment thing with the adrenalin of the game, but I guess he really meant it, or at least he means it now.
“I love you too Jack, so much.” I love this kid deep in my bones, a love I never thought I would get to experience until I found out I would be a parent, but I guess I’m a parent already.
Jack knows he is my family now and I’m hoping Ellis is coming over to my side after the past few weeks. She knows that I want her to be mine and I know she wants me too, but I’m going to show up every time until the two of them know there is no chance of me leaving them.
I’m going to be the man that stays, the man that gets the honour of becoming a part of this family unit.
Ellis, Jack, baby girl and me.
It sounds perfect.