Chapter Twenty-Five
July
Ellis
Screaming. There’s a baby screaming.
Where is it?
I can hear it but I can’t see where it is. I have to get through that big wooden door to help the baby.
Screaming. I’m yelling out, but the sound is drowned out by the poor baby.
It needs help, let me help.
I try to get out of bed but I can’t move. My wrists are bound together at the headboard and my feet are weighed down, strapped to the bed. The more I try to fight against them the tighter they bind.
Screaming. As soon as I’m free, I’ll help it.
Why is nobody helping me?
The baby needs help.
I need help.
The louder I shout the tighter the binds fasten.
Screaming.
I call out for Liam, begging him to help. He doesn’t come. The wooden door shakes on its hinges mocking me with how easily it should open.
Everything stops.
The baby is no longer crying and I am no longer bound.
I am in a pitch-black room. The only light is coming from a window in front of me. Through the glass I see a beautiful woman holding Jack. She is curvy and full-busted, someone out of a Sports Illustrated magazine. Jack is smiling in her arms waving at someone.
I knock on the glass but the sound is muted. I shout out for my son but he doesn’t hear. Then Liam joins them.
“I’m so glad you’re here.” He tells her, kissing her before taking Jack from her.
“Finally Ellis is out of the way.” Liam sighs. Now Jack isn’t in her arms I can see her baby bump that Liam rubs.
“ I could never have a child with her, she was useless.” He laughs.
“Women like her shouldn’t be mothers.”
I’m yelling apologies and pleading for them to help me. I beg for my boys, for them to come back for me, but they don’t. They just laugh.
“She is worse than Eleanor. Jack is better off without her.” Pain sears my chest. I have tried to be better than my mother. It’s never enough. I’m never enough. The man I love wishes I was more.
“Will you be my new mummy?” Jack asks the woman. He looks at her with stars in his eyes.
“We will be a family now Jack,” Liam tells him as the strange beautiful woman nods to my son.
They start to walk away from me. The dark room around me closes in but I stay locked in place. Pleading for them to return. Jack never looks back as he walks hand in hand with his new mum. Liam glances over his shoulder though. Finally, his eyes meet mine but his gaze is not filled with love. He hates me. Still looking at me full of contempt he throws his arm over the beautiful woman he finally gets to be with.
“Please come back! Jack! Liam! Don’t leave me! Please…”
“Ellis, wake up. You’re safe, I’m here.” I hear Liam’s voice, but it’s no longer coming from the man walking away from me. “Sunshine, you’re okay. It’s just a dream.” He shakes me lightly but my eyes snap open at the contact. As soon as my eyes meet his I burst into tears. Sobs wrack through me when Liam pulls me into his arms. He hushes me lightly but I can’t catch my breath.
It might have been a dream but it felt so real.
I can see the highlights in the woman’s dark hair, the disgust in Liam’s eyes when he looked over his shoulder.
I can hear the baby’s screams echoing. Liam lets me cry.
He holds me to his chest and rubs calming circles onto my back as I soak his T-shirt with tears. My back is pricked with sweat but I’m unsure if it is from the warm air or the fear I feel. Even the pain was real, being strapped down reminded me so vividly of the chronic pain I feel and every little movement aches deep within. The pain of that dream was real, mentally and physically.
“I’m sorry,” I sob, “I’ll be better. I promise, I’ll be better.” My words are muffled but Liam shifts when he hears me.
“You have nothing to apologise for.” I hear him but I don’t believe him, every word he says is silenced by the hatred I saw in his eyes.
“Please don’t hate me,” I’m begging and the tears are still falling but he holds me tight and kisses my forehead.
“Never Ellis, I could never hate you,” he tells me. “I heard you from the other room, what was happening?”
“You left, you walked away and took Jack with you,” I tell him, leaving out the other woman. I don’t think I can imagine her for another second without sobbing, and my breathing has only just started to even out.
“Me and Jack are right here, do you want to go see him?” he asks, god, he is perfect . I shake my head though, burrowing further into his chest.
“I don’t want to scare him. He’ll think I’m mad. Can you just hold me for a second?” I bury myself from the world. I never want him to let me go. Every day the baby is closer to coming into this world and the only place my anxiety can’t get to me is when Liam’s arms are wrapped around me. He knows exactly what to do – like he has done dozens of times before, he holds me in his arms, holding my broken pieces together because I don’t have the strength to.
I savour the moment, because I know it won’t last. Liam will need to rest when the season starts again, and the only way I can think of that happening is if me and Jack go back to our flat. It’s what Liam will need. I’ll think about that tomorrow though, because right now I just want him to hold me.
“Always,” he whispers.