Chapter Twenty-Six
Ellis
I know if I get caught Liam will give me attitude, but it isn’t my fault. How am I supposed to spend four months on bed rest when I can hear Liam and Jack laughing downstairs? There are only so many episodes of The Great British Bake Off a girl can watch before she starts to lose her mind.
Fluffy socks dull the sound enough that I can move around pretty much silently. Any noise I do make, the boys counteract by being louder. I just hate missing out. Kids don’t stay kids for long, and every day I miss is precious.
Not wanting to test my luck, I stay outside the kitchen to go unnoticed. Putting my weight onto the door jamb to relieve the late-stage pregnancy pain, I glance around the room, my mouth dries at what I find: Liam is stood at the cooker flipping pancakes. Shirtless.
The man is wearing nothing but a pair of grey sweatpants, like a harlot . Jack is laughing louder with every pancake Liam flips as he makes it a whole performance. He wobbles back and forth, humming a circus theme. After each perfect flip he takes a second to bow to his enraptured audience.
Who created this man? I’m behind him, so I’m unfortunately missing out on a lot of ab action. But this is enough. His back muscles ripple with every movement against his perfectly sun-kissed skin. Where has he even been where he could get such a flawless tan? The man is inside more than most people I know. Gifted genetics, clearly. Still, he must find time to work out. His shoulders are wide and so … biteable. The things he can do with that body should be illegal. Especially to a heavily pregnant woman with wild hormones.
My mind wanders to what else he must be capable of doing in bed. I wonder what he has learned over the years; his dirty talk has certainly gotten more panty melting, but there must be other stuff too. Maybe he has some handcuffs he could tie me down with. The thought alone causes my thighs to clench.
“Ellis Ainsley!” His voice shakes my mind back into the room. Shit. I was so wrapped up in kinky fantasies that I missed him turning around.
“Hi,” I reply sheepishly.
“Don’t ‘Hi’ me! You need to be in bed.” God, he is hot when he lays down the law. His skin is flushed as he stalks towards me.
Liam scoops me into his arms, bridal style, and Jack cheers from his stool. Knowing there is no point in fighting him, I loop my arms around his neck while he heads up the stairs with me. Softly he lays me in the centre of the master bed resting his weight on his hands either side of my head.
“Stay here,” he demands leaving a kiss on the tip of my nose.
“Why don’t you wear me out?” I ask keeping my arms around his neck so he can’t get too far away.
I see his eyes look away for a moment in contemplation. He suddenly stops, pulling away abruptly. “I’m taking Jack to school, you need to rest remember?” He tells me. Was the suggestion so wrong? Did I offend him? I flop myself back against the pillowcase with a dramatic sigh, trying to shake the feeling.
“I’ve missed you.” I pout.
“Sorry, Sunshine,” he says lightly before leaving the room.
The rejection was completely reasonable, but I can’t help but feel like something is off . And I think it’s starting to become obvious what that is. Liam wants more than whatever we have right now. But honestly, I’m just not ready to give into that yet. Is it what I really want? I said I was his, and part of me meant it. Part of me always will.
But despite all the green flags he shows me, I can’t get rid of the idea of the red ones that might turn up in the future. When my heart tells me to stay , my head is telling me to run .
Liam and I being a family and raising our kids is apparently Liam’s goal. But there are so many variables he isn’t considering. There is so much more to this life than just a happy ever after, and I’m not prepared to be heartbroken again. No, I can only have him in one way – the only way to protect my feelings. We just need to fuck each other. Channel whatever chemistry and passion we have that way. Just one time.
Maybe twice.
I thought it would be sexy. I’m sprawled on the master bed in the only lingerie that I could get over my bump. A baby pink satin teddy with lace being the only covering on my boobs, the knickers are just as scandalous, crotchless baby pink lace with satin ties on either side.
Though he might not even see them – I can’t see them over my belly – in my head this plan is fool proof: Liam walks in to check on me to see me posed and ready for him with a list of pros and cons where there are no cons to him fucking me. Perfect.
Except now I’m worried I just look like an undercooked chicken, pink fabric on my stretched pale skin.
Originally I wanted to wear my black lacy set but it was way too small on my swollen boobs, I looked like a cut of meat stuffed into lace. Pink teddy was the best option other than stark naked.
It’s too late to back down now as I hear Liam’s heavy footfall coming up the stairs. I scrape together as much confidence as I can when the door creaks open.
“Fuck me, Sunshine.” He’s stock still in the doorway, his jaw on the floor. Maybe this is going to work out after all.
“I’m hoping you’ll fuck me.” I try to keep my voice sultry and sexy but that’s never been my forte.
“Ellis…” He’s shaking his head. No no no .
“No wait, I have a whole thing.” I hold up a hand to stop his protest and pull the slip of paper from between my boobs and begin reading my pre-prepared list: “Pros: We are really good at it; we have ten years to make up for; you are very fucking sexy; I am very horny; orgasms help relieve pain which I am in a lot of; lastly, I want you. Cons: there are none.” I breathe at the end of my list.
I think I have him for a moment, but by the time I get to the cons I can see him trying to hold in a laugh.
“Stop laughing!” I yell, throwing the paper at him.
“Sunshine, there is no way you wrote a pros and cons list and hid it in your underwear.” When he puts it like that, it does sound crazy. But I am so pregnant and so obsessed with being in bed with Liam that it’s overwhelming me. Still, I can’t help but laugh with him when he joins me on the bed.
“Ellis, I’ve told you that I’m not just going to fuck you because you’re turned on. We’ve done this dance once before, and I haven’t known what to think since. I won’t move forward unless you’re ready for a real us. I thought after what happened before that you were ready, but then you put up a wall again. I can’t keep taking one step forward three steps back. It’s not good for either of us.”
I don’t know how to respond. He’s right. He’s reasonable. But I’m hormonal and stubborn. “That’s got to be… I don’t know… At least extortion.” I tell him scooting across the bed away from him.
“Sex-tortion, more like.” He snorts.
“Maybe I should just get myself off instead,” I tell him. I glance to my bedside drawer where a small vibrator waits for me. It’s the least I could use.
He notices my hinting. “You think it will be as good as me?” Liam raises an eyebrow. He is so fucking cocky, yet it’s so hot. Damn him.
“It will be faster.” I’m lying but he doesn’t need to know that.
“I don’t think you have it in you.” Despite trying to stick to his guns, I can see him giving in to our flirting nature. I’m not sure either of us will ever be able to help falling into this habit. His dare is the shove I need. Keeping my eyes locked on him, I lean over to the bedside cabinet and pull out the bullet vibrator.
I need him to be as desperate for me as I am for him. This is all going to be a performance, but the more real it is, the more he will want it.
I suck the bullet into my mouth until it is dripping in saliva then I turn it on and drag it down over my clavicle, over the lace covering my nipples. That’s when I turn it on. The vibrations are directly on my nipples and they are already sensitive from pregnancy and the friction of the lace so the sensation just heightens everything. I take the time to circle both of my nipples feeling the intensity of Liam’s stare on them making my skin flush bright red.
I’m already wet and aching. When I plant my feet onto the bed and spread my knees I hear Liam inhale sharply, I guess he hadn’t noticed the barely-there underwear.
It’s not easy to reach around my bump, but I need to. I manage to get the bullet to my entrance where I rub it up and down to coat it in my juices before pulling it back to my mouth to taste myself. That’s when I look at Liam.
His jaw is tight and I watch his Adam’s apple bob when he swallows. His skin looks as flushed as I feel and his fists are gripping the bed covers like they’re his lifeline. Because of how he is sitting I can’t see his crotch, but I know he is hard, there’s no way his jeans aren’t uncomfortable but I need more to push him over the edge.
Dragging the vibrator along my skin I take it back to my thighs to tease my legs, whimpering just for Liam’s benefit. But when the vibrations hit my clit, the moans are genuine.
I’ve masturbated more than a few times over the past few months, but it has never felt like this. Liam’s gaze on me mixed with the desperation in the air makes it too much to handle. Almost immediately my back is arching off the bed and my head is tossing back against the pillow.
I can hear how wet I am. I stretch my other hand down to slide two fingers into me, keeping the vibration on my clit. I’m pumping in and out, the sound of my pussy mixing with my moans.
“Liam,” I groan out. I need more, I need his hands on me.
“Fuck it.” I hear his voice come out on a desperate groan. In a blink his hand pulls mine from inside me, he takes my fingers and sucks them into his mouth. Taking each finger between his lips he runs his tongue over my knuckles gently, savouring the lingering taste. Once he’s licked them clean, he pins my arms next to my head.
“I have to taste you. If you want me to fuck you, you are going to have to be ready for what comes after.” His voice is rough. “I’m not letting you hide after this. Not again.”
He takes the vibrator out of my hand and puts it down beside him when he settles his shoulders between my thighs. I can see him looking up at me over my bump. When he knows he has my attention he winks and buries his face into me.
His tongue drags from top to bottom before swirling around my swollen clit. I can feel him moaning against my skin, the vibrations pushing me closer to the edge so quickly after I warmed myself up. Liam is clearly not done because he slips in a finger when he sucks lightly at me. His fingers are so much larger than mine that even with just one finger I can feel the stretch more than with two of mine. He curls his finger to rub my G spot and I see stars.
My legs tighten around his head as my body nearly levitates off the bed, Liam licks me through it.
“You think you can get away with teasing me Sunshine?” He tuts, still between my legs, saying, “You can give me one more, can’t you?”
“Liam, I can’t…” Fuck, that orgasm was so powerful.
“Where’s my big independent girl? You gotta tap out already?” His voice is full of condescension, he always knows what buttons to push.
“No.” I grit my teeth preparing myself for more.
“I didn’t think so.” That’s when buzzing fills the room. I try to wriggle away, but Liam’s strong arm bands over the top of my thighs as he uses his other hand to hold the vibrator directly against my clit. I’m already building up to the edge after seconds, but Liam doesn’t let up.
I can’t see his face because my eyes are screwed shut, but I can imagine the grin. Sadistic and satisfied as I shake under the pressure. I can feel my insides pulsing around nothing when my toes clench and I scream out into the room.
The pleasure is so intense, I could black out, but Liam kisses lightly up my body until he has me wrapped in his arms. The safe feeling of his arms around me helps tether me back to earth.
“I’m scared.” I break the comfortable silence in the room. I knew I was going to have to have this talk at some point, but I was hoping to put it off until the baby came.
“Of what?” he asks, kissing my forehead and tightening his arms around me.
“You getting sick of us.” I tell him my truth. My real fear that I have never been enough for anyone. My mother never cared, Jack’s dad walked away, even Liam had to leave once before.
I know that isn’t fair, it was technically me who told him to leave. It was my boundary to split before he was drafted. But a part of me always wondered about what would have happened if he turned up on my doorstep one day, saying he chose our relationship over hockey, and I couldn’t protest the decision.
“Ellis—” Before he can talk, I interrupt him.
“It’s just been me and Jack for so long I’m scared that if I give us a chance and you get bored I will have to mend his broken heart as well as mine and I don’t think I could survive it.” I know I couldn’t survive it.
Liam takes a second to himself before he takes a deep breath.
“I wasn’t going to tell you this,” he says lowly, clearly unsure about what he is going to say next.
“Tell me what?” I usher him.
“Jack asked for a talk with me a few weeks ago.” My body freezes.
“When?” I choke out, Jack is so introspective for a kid that he could have told Liam anything and a million different conversations filter through my head.
“Last month, the day I took him to the park and for ice cream after school.”
I remember that, I woke up from a nap and the house was eerily quiet because I was there alone. I called Liam to make sure they were okay and neither of them told me anything had happened, they just asked what flavour ice cream I wanted.
“What did he say?” I ask. I’m scared to know the answer but the morbid desire to know is seeping into my bones.
“He told me that he likes having me around because I make you happy.” I look up at him and find Liam looking at me as though he sees the planets in my eyes, taking a second to admire me, he holds my jaw lightly. “He asked if I was going to abandon the baby like his dad did. He made me promise that I wasn’t going anywhere.”
“Liam you shouldn’t have promised that.” I try to keep the tears at bay. This just highlights even more of my fears; Jack would be broken if Liam goes back on his promise. Besides, I’m pregnant and that means I am allowed to be overly emotional.
“I’ll tell you what I told him, it’s the easiest promise I’ve ever made. Ellis, I love you, I love your son and I love our daughter already. You’re stuck with me forever so you better start getting used to it.”
Then the tears flow. I couldn’t hold them back if I tried.
Communication has never been my strong suit and Liam knows I’m not ready to admit that I love him again, even if the words are on the tip of my tongue, but his willingness to tell me how he feels wrecks me. Like always, Liam holds me to his chest and lets me cry.
I wish I could say it is just pregnancy hormones but I know that isn’t the truth, I’ve just never felt safe enough to cry. I needed to be strong, always, but now Liam has given me a place to be as vulnerable as I feel without judgment.
“Will you go easy on me?” I ask him. Tears are drying on my face, my eyes must be rimmed red but he still looks at me as if I’m beautiful.
“What do you mean?” I can see a flash of hope in his gaze that he tries to hide, not wanting to wish I could be ready. Never wanting to push me if I’m not there.
“If I say I want to try with us, will you give me grace? I can’t promise you an easy forever but I want to try. I really want to try.” I have more than just myself to think about, but I know I can’t push Liam out of my life out of fear because not only does Jack want him in his life, I want him in our daughter’s life. In mine, too.
“I’ll give you anything you need Ellis Ainsley, as long as you’re mine,” he says.
But I’m not his. Not yet. And yet, I want to be. I want to be a family, it’s something I’ve never had and I always promised I’d give Jack a different life than me. I have the chance to give him a dad, a man who makes his mum happy and who loves me including Jack, not in spite of him.
Liam has pushed me so far out of my comfort zone since January and now I have friends I never would have imagined – I’m in a hockey group chat for crying out loud. One where his team ask for updates. One where they send me pictures of Liam reading baby books on the plane to games. A chat where they co-ordinate who is going to check on Bloom and Blossom for me. Hell, Rook has taken the liberty of letting me know he is on food duty when the baby comes, something about a bad experience with hospital food when he had his appendix removed. I am surrounded by help and people who show me I am worth going out of their way for. I just need to open myself up enough to believe them.
I deserve happiness.
It’s time I stop standing in my own way.