Chapter Twenty-Eight
Ellis
All week I have been excited about the spa. It has been all I could think about. I have found that when I focus on the good I can ignore all the pain I’m in. I spend 90 per cent of my time switching between heating pads and making Liam massage my back, and feet, and legs… pretty much everywhere. The last 10 per cent is split between crying and those small moments of relief that come around once in a blue moon. I am so completely over being pregnant that it’s crossed my mind to ask for an induction, I am at my wits’ end.
Sometimes I need to put time aside to look after my body the best I can. I love Liam, I do, I know I haven’t told him yet but I will. It’s why I kissed him in front of everyone. I wanted to show him that I am serious about this. It was a strange sensation, knowing everyone was watching, but it also felt good. Natural, like I was always supposed to be kissing him and I’ve been holding back.
Still, I know when the baby comes he is going to live by my side so I need a little bit of me time before that. As soon as I get in Lyndsey’s car though, there is something a lot more fun to think about.
“So…?” I ask as I watch in the rear-view mirror as the boys drive away for a rink day.
“So… what?” she asks watching them just as closely as me.
“You and Anders?” I nudge.
“We’re just friends.” Lyndsey is good at a lot of things. Lying is not one of them. Her skin flushes pink and she can’t meet my eye.
“Friends my arse. You want him,” I sing, like the mature adult I am.
“Ellis!” She slaps my leg lightly but it just makes me laugh until my sides hurt. The harder I laugh, the pinker she gets. I am seconds away from peeing myself when she switches on the ignition.
“I’m not saying anything, but he is handsome as sin,” I tell her when I manage to pull myself together again.
“He doesn’t want me like that,” she says quietly.
“Why?” I’m not laughing any more. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so dejected.
“He’s just being a good guy, that’s all. You know how much I love the Spears, how attractive I think Anders is, but there’s no way I would go there – especially now.” I can clearly see this isn’t the first time she’s thought about this.
“Why not now?” I ask confused.
“Because you’re having a baby with his teammate and we are going to be in each other’s lives forever through little baby Ruin so if things didn’t work out it would be way too awkward.” Wait, she isn’t going to go after Aiden because of me? My baby? I think the baby will bring them closer together in a good way.
“Lyndsey—” I start to argue but she interrupts me.
“Let’s just have fun today okay? No boy talk.” We pull up at a red light so she looks over at me for a second and I can see that the topic alone is weighing on her so I give in.
“Fine. Just know I think you guys would be cute together.” I bite my tongue even though I’m eager to tell her all the reasons she’s wrong. Lyndsey moves on and asks me about what else needs to be done before the baby is born and I go off on a tangent about how unprepared I feel as we drive out of the city.
After about an hour, we pull into the car park and Lyndsey runs to check us in while I check my phone. I promised her I’ll put it away for most of the day so we can focus on relaxing but I’m getting one last look.
I’m glad I did too because Liam has sent me a bunch of pictures of Jack skating with the guys. His smile is wider than I think I’ve ever seen it.
That last picture is everything, Rook sprawled on the ice with Jack standing over him laughing. I can practically hear him through my screen. I love how comfortable he is with Liam and his teammates. For a long time there were no men in his life, and now he gets to have that male influence and I couldn’t have asked for better men.
The weather outside might be dark but Liam makes me feel so light that it balances perfectly. I don’t know how Liam did it, but with his care and time, I’m becoming less scared of what lies ahead of us. Ever since I found out I was pregnant with Jack there has been an undercurrent of fear in my life. Scared of the pain. Scared of being a single mum. Scared of failing.
Liam makes me feel so secure that the fear doesn’t take over every part of my life any more. Being a single mum was the best thing I’ve ever done and I think I raised the most amazing kid on my own. More than that, Liam has helped me see that failing doesn’t mean you are unworthy. I might fail from time to time, but I have him in my corner either way. He’s been here this whole time, always by choice – I just didn’t want to believe it was possible for me.
I love that Jack feels safe with him, too. When Liam first came into my life I told him that me and Jack were a package deal but I never thought he would take it as seriously as he has. Liam loves Jack like his own and Jack loves him back.
I’m pretty sure Jack would follow Liam anywhere and I would be right there with them. Six years ago, when I was this close to labour I was riddled with panic attacks and nightmares, yet this time around I feel ready. Half because I’ve done it before, but also because Liam won’t let anything happen to me.
Not if he can help it. This time is so different. I am so different. I feel stronger and more confident both as a mother and as a girlfriend. The rational part of me always knew I was worthy of love, I just didn’t know how strong being loved would make me feel.
Green goo has never felt as good as it does seeping into my pores. The cool paste smells like mint and grass and it’s like I can feel the toxins being sucked out. Or the moisture flowing in. Maybe both, I don’t know exactly what it does – I didn’t ask – but I’m enjoying it either way.
Being wrapped in the world’s fluffiest robe is another plus. Lyndsey opted for a lavender mask and she lies next to me humming along to the spa music. The first thing we did after checking in was a full body massage for Lyndsey and a pregnancy specialised massage for me, and now my skin feels glossy and warm.
There was a moment on the bed where I was so comfortable I thought the baby was just going to shoot right out. Honestly I’m surprised I didn’t pee myself I was that calm, my pelvic floor exercises went straight out the window.
My bones still feel like butter when the facial specialist starts to remove my refreshing detoxing goo. The water she uses is warm. As she wipes away at my skin, it’s as though my worries wipe away with it. A part of me wonders what my boys are up to, but there is no anxiety about being away from Jack like there has been at other points in his life.
No, today it is just sheer curiosity because I know they will be having just as much – if not more – fun than me. Skating around, eating junk food, a day filled with fun and adventure as I enjoy the opposite. The quiet calm before the storm of having this little girl running us in circles.
“You’re all done Miss Ainsley, feel free to enjoy the pool during the rest of your day.” The spa woman says in the classic, soft whispered tone that feels so cliché but so right.
Taking my time to soak in the last few seconds on this shockingly comfortable wooden chair I feel the baby wiggle around, followed by a small stabbing pain. I have been getting these little pains for a while now, so I know that the baby is coming closer and closer every day. Braxton Hicks scared the life out of me the last time around – the false labour pains really know how to shock you.
When Jack was coming, every little thing scared me: every little cramp, I thought he was going to come; every little kick, I thought he might fracture a rib. Basically, I was a mess. But now I’m more relaxed. I think it’s because I’ve had a little bit of practice but I also know as strong as Liam is, when he is faced with me actually going into labour he is going to shit himself.
All day Lyndsey has been eyeing up the Jacuzzi but won’t tell me she wants to go in because she knows there’s no pregnant people allowed, so I walk over. I hear the hurried slap of her slipper-clad feet scurrying after me as I settle myself on the edge, dipping my legs into the jets. The warm water pulses on my swollen ankles and it makes me feel just as good as the massage.
“El! What are you doing? You can’t get in there!” There is genuine concern in her voice as though she thinks this is my first time ever hearing pregnancy Jacuzzi rules.
“I know. But you can. Anyway, this feels good as hell so good luck getting me up without a fight.” And I’m not lying.
“I love you, you know that.” She all but moans as she drops into the water, settling into a bench seat next to me.
“I am pretty lovable.” I wink. The only thing that could make this better would be a glass of prosecco because the non-alcoholic version they gave me at check-in really sucks. Another Braxton Hicks rumbles in me but I do my best to keep my face from twinging. If Lyndsey even suspected there was a chance it was a real contraction she would have me in the car faster than lightning.
If not that, she would call Liam and he would demand we go to hospital. By now I know my own body… or at least I hope I do.
Besides, hiding pain is my superpower. I’m the queen at it. The trick is to divert and distract by talking about something that might make the other person uncomfortable so they are so worried thinking about themselves they don’t even notice the twitch in my eye or sweat on my brow.
“I’m enjoying not being at the shop right now. Does that make me terrible?” Distract and divert.
“Of course it doesn’t make you terrible. You worked hard to get it off the ground, now you are doing the same for your family. Balance and shit.” Lyndsey coming in clutch, never mincing her words.
“But what if I never want to go back?” At the moment, I do want to go back. I love Bloom and Blossom so there is no way I could give it up, but I still want to see what she will say.
“Then you’d have to hire another person because I’m great but I’m not superwoman.” She laughs but I know she’s right. I have put a lot on her the last few months of this pregnancy, but there is no one I trust more with my business.
“There’s no way I’d stay away, but a new hire doesn’t sound too bad. Spend more time with Jack and the baby.” I muse. I want to be there and at home all at once, but if Lyndsey isn’t a superwoman then I guess astral projecting is out of the question.
“And your baby daddy.” She laughs.
“Sure, him too.” My eyes roll but she’s right. I like spending time with Liam. If I’m being really honest, I love it.
After a while we fall into a comfortable silence the only sound being the ripples of the water from the jets and the repetitive spa music through the speakers. We’ve been sat here a while and should probably think about packing up but there is a thought I can’t shake. I should have expected it really; as good as Liam is, there are always going to be things I worry about and this is one. I know it is irrational, but most anxious thoughts are irrational. That’s their biggest catch.
“I don’t want to be like my mother,” I blurt out. The words just fell right out of my brain into the air around us like a crashing cymbal.
“Jesus! Where did that come from?” Lyndsey recoils, finally slipping out of the water and joining me on the edge.
“She never worked but also never parented. What if I think I’m doing a good thing by being at home but I’m just teaching my kids to be lazy and to expect everyone to do things for you?” Hearing the words I know it’s crazy. I know that traditional work isn’t right or possible for everyone. But there is still a niggle that I might be my mother’s daughter at my core and there would be nothing I can do about it.
“Bullshit. Ellis, I’ve never had the displeasure of meeting Eleanor, but the fact you are worried about becoming her already makes you miles better. She never cared about the fact she was shitty,” she says sternly.
That’s true. I think even if you asked her now, Eleanor wouldn’t admit to her shortcomings. Maybe she just doesn’t care that she hurt me for all those years. “Ellis, you are a good mom. You are a good woman. Never doubt it.” Lyndsey takes my hand and squeezes it before pulling me to my feet to take us home.
I can hear the guys before I even get to the door. I don’t need to look at Lyndsey to feel her smile as she registers them. The pair of us pause at the door listening as they laugh and joke. Rook’s voice is the loudest, it sounds like he is re-enacting some hockey game where he is every player and commentator at the same time. Too desperate to see my boys and, honestly, to see the award-winning acting from Rook, I finally open the door to the smell of pizza and joy.
As soon as he sees me, Jack jumps from his place between Liam and Jay and comes with a running leap into my arms.
“Missed you,” he tells me in a whisper by my ear and god, I missed him too. A few hours is nothing, but knowing I missed a day of smiles and laughter is a little bittersweet. Laughter from him is par for the course these days.
The rest of the house is a sight to see. The guys all lounging on the couches, spilled over onto the floor, surrounded by pizza boxes and cans of soda. Normally I would care about the mess but before I can even take it in, Liam is on his feet and by my side kissing my temple with a gentle hand on my belly. Just in time for our little girl to kick the hell out of him.
“My girls’ doing good?” he asks, but instead of answering I stretch up onto my toes to plant a kiss right on his lips.
After all this time, I feel like I’m starting to accept it as reality: these people are my new family. I have spent time and energy on Eleanor today, wasted it thinking she is the only family I had; she’s far from it. She might have given me life but Jack and Liam and his rabble of friends have made me feel alive. That’s what I am going to focus on from now.