Chapter 6 Hope
HOPE
It takes hours for my phone to charge enough to turn on. I know it’s time to get a new one but there’s no way I can afford it right now. A new phone will cost a lot and if I want to stop bothering Heath I need to get a model similar to his, but I know the one he has is super expensive.
If it comes down to books or phone. I’ll always choose books. No brainer. Although, I bet Heath wouldn’t think that. He’d tell me to buy a phone because it’s an investment for the business I’ve been running.
My business… It's been two days since I’ve checked Heath’s phone. I wonder if there are any orders.
I wish there are hundreds of orders so I can get busy and stop my brain from thinking.
Since the conversation I had with Mom I can’t stop thinking about how less I know about my parents. All the things they told me have further stories connected to them, and I believe I won’t like it when I get to know all those.
The second my phone lights up, it starts chiming with messages and calls. I quickly switch it to silent and watch the notifications bombard my screen. At this rate, my phone will glitch and freeze up.
After two whole minutes, the notifications stop coming and I swipe up the home screen and click on the messages app.
There are a hundred and seven messages from Heath and two hundred messages from Marie.
My heart sinks.
Gosh! She knows.
The thought makes my hands clammy and the rhythm of my heart picks up.
I knew that I wouldn’t be able to hide the truth from her forever, but still. The fact she got to hear it from someone else and not me breaks my heart. I know I wouldn’t have been able to tell her anyway, but still. It was my truth to tell.
I’m still thinking about it when Heath’s name pops up on the screen. He’s calling me.
I decline the call in panic.
Is he out of the cell?
At once worry clings to me and I want nothing more than to talk to him, but it’s late at night and it’s so quiet in the house after the disaster that unfolded a few hours ago.
Mom and Dad had a huge fight and it ended with him smashing a beer bottle against the wall.
He didn’t hurt mom but he yelled at her.
I was the centre of their conversation as Mom took my side but Dad wasn’t having it.
So he did the one thing he knows the best. He terrorised her and it worked.
She stopped talking and the topic was pushed under the rug like it wasn’t even there in the first place.
Mom and Dad returned to their room and a while later I could hear noises that made me sick to my stomach. I can’t believe she let him touch him let alone sleep with her.
Gosh! Just thinking about it makes me want to puke.
Heath: Pick up my call. I want to talk to you.
I see his text and switch off my screen.
Curled up on my side so I’m facing the window, I look out at the night sky that looks breathtaking with shimmering stars. I like seeing them.
My phone buzzes again and I flip it over and see another text.
Heath: I know you’re reading my texts. Say something, please.
What am I even supposed to say to him? Because of me he went to jail and has a record now. I got him into mess. I’m nothing but trouble to him.
It hurts. It hurts a lot. Because I don’t want to be that person to him. I want to be his safe place like he is mine. But I’m not. I’m the storm that wreaks havoc in his life.
Another text pops up.
Heath: Rose, talk to me.
Rose. He has a nickname for me. That wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to give me a nickname—a nickname that gives me butterflies. Every. Single. Time.
Heath: Fine! You don’t need to reply. Just keep reading my texts okay.
I hold my phone tighter.
Why is this guy so good to me? He doesn’t have to be and he isn’t with the majority of the world, but he is to me. He’s the sweetest to me.
Heath: I hope you’re okay.
Heath: Why the fuck am I saying it? Of course you’re not fucking okay. You must be hurt.
Heath: I’m so sorry that you got hurt because of me.
Heath: I don’t want you to get hurt because of me.
Heath: Like ever.
Heath: So I’m sorry that you’re hurt.
Heath: Are you crying? Please tell me you’re not crying. You know I hate it when you cry.
Heath: You look awful when you cry.
Heath: Absolutely hideous.
Heath: No! Fuck. You’re not hideous.
Heath: YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL THAT I KNOW.
Heath: IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
Heath: AND YOU HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL EYES. I LIKE THEM A LOT. NOT MORE THAN YOU, OF COURSE.
Heath: I LIKE YOU THE MOST.
I like you the most.
I like him the most too.
Heath: I hope you like me too or otherwise I don’t know what the fuck I’ll do.
Heath: I know you have feelings for me.
Heath: The way you kiss me, there’s no faking it.
My cheeks turn red. I can’t deny that I enjoy kissing him. It’s one of my favourite things to do. Now I understand why people kiss and why characters love making out. For some it’s the thrill and passion, but for me it’s the comfort and sweetness.
I tap on the message bar and start typing.
Hope: You’re a good kisser.
I watch the dots appear and disappear on the screen. It’s like he can’t decide what he wants to send.
This is the first time we’re talking after the incident. No calls, no messages. Nothing. All we did was wonder about each other hoping we’d be okay.
Heath: That’s because I like kissing you.
Insecurity hits me out of nowhere. I assume Heath has kissed other girls. There’s no way he hasn’t. The way he moved his lips and kissed me… yes, there’s no doubt that he hasn’t. And it makes me a little jealous that plenty of girls had him before me. He was someone else’s, before he wanted me.
Hope: More than the others…
I press my hand over my chest as I try to contain my heart inside. I don’t want him to think I’m jealous or anything. Just a little sad.
Heath: What others?
Hope: Other girls…
Heath: They meant nothing. I don’t even remember kissing them. It was fucking nothing.
Heath: I consider you my first kiss because I felt everything when I kissed you. It was the best kiss.
I smile at that because that’s exactly how I feel about our first kiss and every other after it.
Heath: Tell me you’re okay. Please.
Hope: I’m okay.
Heath: Are you hurt?
Hope: No
Heath: Don’t lie to me. Tell me the truth.
Hope: I’m not lying to you. I swear I’m okay.
Heath: Did something happen when you got home?
Hope: No.
Heath: Did he leave you alone?
Hope: Yes.
Heath: I find that very hard to believe.
Hope: He drank and watched TV.
Heath: Where is he now?
Hope: Downstairs, sleeping in the bedroom with mom.
Heath: Can I come over? I’ll be quiet when climbing your window.
Hope: No! Please don’t come here. I don’t want you to get into any trouble.
Heath: I’ll be fine, Rose.
Heath: You don’t need to worry about me.
Hope: Please, don’t come here.
If he comes here I know bad things will happen. Dad will know and what happened the other day will happen again. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want him to get hurt any more than he already has.
Besides, if he were here, standing a few feet away from me and staring at me, I know I wouldn't be able to break his heart by ending things with him. Like an addict, I’d cling to him for even a short amount of time and will do anything that he’ll want from me.
Despite knowing I’m nothing but a thorn that'll prick him and make him bleed.
The total opposite of the nickname ‘Rose’ that he calls me by.
Heath: I’ll pick you up for school tomorrow.
Hope: No. It’ll be too risky so I’ll just see you at school.
Heath: That’s too much wait.
Heath: You have no idea how badly I want to see you.
Heath: All I can think about is you.
Heath: Your face, your body, your hair, your eyes, your lips… I think about your lips a lot.
I can barely breathe.
Heath: If you let me kiss you I wouldn’t stop.
Heath: Unless you want me to stop.
My heart is beating so loudly I can hear it in my ears.
Hope: I only stop because you leave me breathless.
Heath: Good.
One word. Good. It shouldn’t make my stomach fill with warmth.
Heath: Are you sure I can’t come over?
Hope: Yes.
Heath: I can come over anytime you want, Rose. You just tell me, okay. It doesn’t matter what time it is, I’ll be there for you.
Hope: You don’t have to.
Heath: I want to. So don’t think too much about it.
Hope: I can’t help it. I think a lot.
Heath: Then let me come over and distract you. I assure you, I can be a really good distraction.
Crimson red burns my cheeks and my entire face heats up at that message. I’m sure he didn’t mean it in the way I’ve taken it… or maybe he did. I don’t know. I’m new to this. Despite reading so many romance books and knowing about feelings like the back of my hand, I’m still clueless.
It’s the self-doubt that keeps throwing excuses at me. I know Heath likes me. He has told me himself. But after what happened on Friday night, I can’t bring myself to understand why he wants to talk to me.
Doesn’t he realize that I got him hurt? He got stabbed because of me. I cleaned his blood with my own hands hours ago. The sight crosses my mind whenever I close my eyes. I can feel my hands get wet with the stains of his blood. And the worst of it all, is that he had to go to jail because of me.
By the time I come to all these conclusions after long thinking, all I want to do is shut off my phone and go to sleep.
I need courage for tomorrow because there’s no way I’m letting Heath bear any more hurt and trouble because of me. He doesn’t deserve it. And if he stays with me, things will only get worse and he’ll get caught up in the crossfire and eventually he’ll be forced to hate me.