Chapter 7 Hope
HOPE
School has never intimidated me, until today. All I want to do is run away and never come back here.
My whole body fills with dread and fear at the idea of going to school today as I make my way towards it.
I haven't even stepped into the hallways, and I’m already trembling like a leaf.
It’s Monday, meaning everybody will be there. If the news didn’t travel over the weekend, then it will today. By the end of the day, everyone will know what happened. This is a small town where people gossip and news travels fast.
My feet feel heavy and reluctant to move. I’m half convinced, I have stones in my Converse with how difficult it is to take a single step. One step. It shouldn’t be that hard.
It’s okay.
People already act like I’m invisible.
I probably won't be the headline of today.
There could be a chance they have no idea about what happened.
Like a chant, I repeat those words in my head, hoping they can give me courage. I mean, books have always helped. Why can’t my own words help me?
My phone buzzes in the back pocket of my jeans. I know it’s Heath. I just don’t have the courage to talk to him right now. Not when I’m standing ten feet away from the school building and commanding myself to enter it.
Can I miss school?
But where would I even go?
Library is my sanctuary, but Heath and my friends will find me there.
I don't want to be found.
I want to be lost.
Today more than ever I wish to be alone.
But, I can’t miss classes. If I get behind and get bad grades the situation at home will become even worse.
Inhaling a deep breath, I stare at school and the students lingering on the grounds. No one has noticed me yet. As usual, they’re all busy talking and laughing among themselves, not paying attention to others. It’s good. Please act like you don’t know me.
Holding the novel open in my hands, I fix my eyes on the page and start paving my way into the school. I’ve only taken a few steps when I hear their voices.
‘She’s here.’
‘Did you hear her boyfriend beat up her dad?’
‘He spent the night in cell.’
‘She went to visit him.’
I was wrong. So wrong. They all know.
My skin crawls under the sheer attention of every single person who’s watching and talking about me. I feel like scratching and making myself bleed because all at once the blood flowing through my veins resembles a river of hot, molten lava.
Turn around and leave.
I can’t.
I close my eyes momentarily, then stare back at the paragraphs of the long monologue that are best for this occasion. Blinding, I climb the stairs and push through the doors of the hallway. The eyes follow my movements.
Don’t look at anyone.
Walk straight to the math class and take the seat in the back and pretend—
Silence reigns over the hallway, the second I step inside. The air thickens and tension fills the space.
I can feel it.
The attention. The stares. The voices.
My hands start shaking.
This is too much for me. All I want to do is get out of here.
Out of all the days in my life, today I want to be invisible. I want to wrap myself in invisibility cloak and just sit in the corner while the world moves on.
Tears build up at the back of my eyes and I truly have no idea where I’m going. At this rate I might collide with someone—
My book jams hard into someone’s chest.
“I’m so sorry—” My voice cracks. I’m one second away from having a meltdown right here, right now.
A finger settles under my chin and tips back my head. Through my blurry vision I see him.
Heath Travon. His blue eyes stare down at me.
My head quietens. The voices subduing to nothingness.
“You never watch where you’re going,” he says. Lifting his other hand, he wedges his finger between the pages, closes the book, and plucks it out of my hand in one effortless move that leaves me surprised in the way that butterflies fill my stomach and dispel the cloud of anxiety.
His arm wraps around my waist and he pulls me to his body.
“Heath—”
His soft, warm lips brush against mine and just like that the whole world fades away. He is the only person I can focus on.
Nudging my lips once more, he asks for permission. I grant it to him by kissing him back, wanting to get lost in him than the voices in my head or the whispers flying in the air.
We kiss in front of everyone, not caring one bit about the number of eyes that are fixed on us.
Wanting to be close to him, I put my hands on his chest that’s burning hot and seek in its warmth. I want to infuse myself in his skin and hide.
I feel his hand open and sprawl over my back as he pulls me flush against him, just as his mouth kneads mine in a slow and long kiss that’s filled with the feeling I missed you.
I meet his strokes with equal passion and longing.
People murmur around us, but I only focus on him and my pounding heart.
When we pull away, I tuck my face in his chest. My breathing out of control.
The first thought that crosses my mind is, I will be the headline today.
Heath nuzzles his face in the side of my neck. I twist my head a little and meet his worried gaze.
Are you okay?
No.
Wrapping my arms around his waist I snuggle into him and he holds me tightly against him. Just being this close to him makes me feel okay. It’s like oxygen fills my lungs and I can finally breathe.
“I’m here. You have nothing to worry about.” He presses a kiss to my head. “I’ve got you.”
The voices around us get louder, and the scrutinizing gazes watch us in interest.
I shiver in his hold because I can hear them—or at least my head can, even when it’s made up.
She kissed him.
Is she dating him?
I knew she was a freak behind those books.
My heart scratches the walls of my ribs, desperate to get out and be free. But I keep it inside, hidden under my skin and alive with my blood.
You know you have to break up with, don’t you. My brain says.
The mere suggestion makes my heart clench. I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I have to. It’s the right thing to do. I truly believe it.
“Let’s get out of here,” Heath murmurs against my temple.
I give him a nod and start pulling away from him.
Grabbing my hand, he leads me out of the crowded hallway. People hardly spare us space to move and we bump into them, until Heath swipes out his arm and pushes everyone out of the way. The chatter picks up and I try to tune out every word that I hear.
I expect Heath to take me to his car, but he climbs up the stairs that lead to the library on the first floor.
When we pass by it, I stare at his back but he keeps going as if he has the perfect place in mind.
We climb another set of stairs, and another, before he pushes the door that opens to the rooftop. Dry, cold October air brushes against my skin and I draw in a deep, long breath, finding it easy that I can breathe.
Heath closes the door behind me. Leaning me against it, his mouth is on me and I just melt.
One hand settles on my waist and the other cups the back of my head as he kisses me long and deep, taking his sweet time with no care in the world.
Butterflies come alive in my stomach and wildly flutter around.
I wonder if he gets butterflies, too? Or if the chemicals in his body mix up and reactions happen?
Maybe, it’s only me who feels like she’s standing on the edge of the mountain peak and he’s in the air asking me to jump and I do without a second thought. Because I trust him.
Because I trust him.
The realization hits me like cold water. I trust him with my body but this is different because now that he knows all my secrets, I still trust him.
Standing on my tip-toes, I fist his t-shirt into my quivering fingers and inch closer to him. The longer he kisses me, the more my hands move over the broad expanse of his solid, warm chest that resembles a rock. My hands rise and touch his skin—it’s burning and there is thrum of his rapid pulse.
I jerk back in response.
Oh my God.
I’ve never touched him like this before.
My head thuds back against the door but since palm has it cushioned, he takes the burnt of the hit.
His eyes study me in detail. “What happened? Did I do something wrong?”
I shake my head.
“Was it the kiss? I didn’t use tongue.”
I shake my head again.
“I made you breathless, didn’t I?”
I shake my head, then nod, thinking that’s a better excuse than telling him what really happened.
His thumb swipes back and forth on my jawline. His touch so soft and gentle as if I’m the most delicate and precious thing in the world. It’s an exquisite feeling, knowing someone values you so much that they are careful with how they hold you.
Slowly, he tips my head back and align our gazes, leaving me no choice but to stare at him.
“I’m beginning to know it when you lie to me, Hope.”
I let out a sharp exhale.
He used my first name.
That means trouble.
He uses my middle name otherwise.
Blue eyes search mine. “And trust me, I don’t like it one bit.”
“I’m sorry,” I murmur.
“You don’t need to apologize.”
“But—”
“I’d like the truth instead.”
I stare at him, then look down at his chest. The simple black T-shirt paired with the same black jeans and black converse. Nothing is new about his attire but he still looks so good in it. So good.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath. Here it goes.
“It was… I… my hands…” I palm my eyes as my cheeks burn in embarrassment.
“Keep going,” he encourages and his touch continues on my jaw, making it harder for me to tell him. “I want to know.”
“I touched your neck and felt your pulse.”
His thumb stops moving.
I peek at him and find him frowning at me. “That made you pull away?”
I nod. “I’ve never felt it… before.”
Heath watches me, then removes his hands from my body and instead cups my face in his warm palms. His touch so gentle that I can’t help but lean into his touch.
“I know this is all new for you, fuck, it’s all new for me too. We’ll take everything at your pace. So just talk to me, okay. Don’t lie and hide things for me. Not anymore.”
The only thing I focus on is the part. We’ll take everything at your pace.