Chapter 8 Hope
HOPE
Marie takes a step in my direction but Sebastian puts his arm around her waist and pulls her back. He says something to her in a low voice.
“She knows, doesn’t she?” I whisper to Heath without averting my gaze from Marie who has red-rimmed eyes and her lips are trembling. She looks like she wants to cry a river and I know it’ll be for me.
Leaning closer, he answers. “She does.”
I stiffen. Shame washes over me. I want to find a corner and hide, just so I don’t see the hurt on her face and the sadness in her eyes. She looks miserable and worried. Both things I don’t want her to be.
I dimmed her light. Her bright, warm light that is magic and suits her is now replaced by gloominess.
Now all I see is the girl who’s shed tears for me and looks distressed.
Heath rubs my back and draws my attention to him, as if he can read all my thoughts and knows it upsets me seeing Marie like this. “It’s not your fault.”
“It is.”
“It is fucking not,” he says harshly. “Don’t blame yourself for a second. It is not your fault.”
I stare at him and let his words sink in.
It isn’t my fault. I repeat those words a couple of times but I still feel guilty.
Heath’s gaze softens and he adds, “She’s your friend that’s why she’s worried. I’m sure if the roles were reversed you’d feel the same. Don’t you think so?”
I nod, remembering the time when Marie shared about her past with me, and I started crying, because I didn’t want any of those things to happen to her.
“You know, she’s been anxious about you ever since Sebastian told her. She beat me black and blue for not telling her. So just take it easy on her.”
Looking at her, I ask, “She must hate me.”
“She does not.”
“She looks like she cried a lot. It is because of me.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
How can I not? My best friend looks nothing like herself.
Marie and I stare at each other for a while, until she rips away from Sebastian and runs towards me.
I stand up from Heath’s lap and wrap my arms around myself, my stomach tying up into a rope of knots. It twists and turns as anxiety starts to grow.
She comes to a halt and there’s only a couple of feet distance between us. Too little yet too much.
“Hi,” she says, her eyes filled with tears.
“Hi,” I reply, my voice cracking.
No words come to me and from the looks of it she’s experiencing the same.
Her lower lip wobbles and she rubs her arms.
I fidget with my fingers, my anxiety kicking up.
Sebastian comes up and stands beside her but I don’t look at him. I can’t. All my attention is fixed on Marie who wants to say all and nothing at the same time.
Heath stands next to me. And just being this close to him I find strength to face Marie.
“I… wanted to tell you—” I start.
“Can I hug you?” She sobs.
Without thinking, I cross the distance between us and wrap my arms around her in a vice grip.
Hers quickly wrap me and immediately I’m all enveloped in her.
All that she is—good, light, comfort and warmth.
Being this close to her is like sitting under the sun and letting its hot beams melt away your fears, sadness and loneliness.
Marie starts crying and a second later I join her.
I hear Sebastian and Heath saying words to us but I barely hear a thing. All I’m focused on is the girl who’s my best friend, another person I’ve bothered and worried.
The last thing I wanted was to be a burden and it’s exactly what I’ve become.
A mess. A complete, utter, hideous mess.
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“Are you okay? Please tell me you’re okay?” Marie asks, holding my hand. She hasn’t let go of it in the past hour or so.
I give her a smile. “I’m okay.”
“Are you hurt anywhere?”
I remember the slight discomfort I feel on the side of my head I hit when Dad slapped me and the cheek that hurts a little.
I shake my head. “I’m fine, Marie.”
Her eyes scan mine, searching for answers. She looks unconvinced but I don’t have it in me to tell her the truth. It’ll worry her. Besides, the pain is little. I can tolerate it.
“I don’t believe you, Hope. You can lie all you want, but now I see things differently.”
“I…I’m not completely lying. I am fine, except for a little pain in my head and cheek.” I cave in, seeing her puppy eyes. There’s no way you can refuse her when she looks at you with those sad, big hazel eyes.
“Where does your head hurt and which cheek?” she asks.
I take her other hand and put it over the side of my head. Her fingers move over the surface, her touch gentle, careful not to hurt me in any way which I find endearing. She finds a little bump and I wince. She stops.
“It’s okay. It doesn’t hurt that bad.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
A stare burns the side of my head, I turn and find Heath staring at me. He’s sitting next to Sebastian who’s also watching me, worry thick in his eyes. He hasn’t spoken to me yet but I know he wants to. He sends me a smile and I return it.
Heath scowls hard, so I shoot him a smile too and his features lose their tightness.
“Which cheek hurts?” Marie asks quietly which is so unlike her.
I point my left cheek and she gazes at it.
“I didn’t even notice it looks extra red today. I thought it was your natural blush,” she says. “It stings, doesn’t it?”
“A little, but it’s okay.”
Marie squeezes my hand. “Stop saying it’s okay because it’s not. You don’t have to pretend. None of this is okay. It’s all wrong, and I hate it.”
Her sentiment tugs my heart strings. I used to think that at the beginning when it happened the first few times.
I couldn’t come to terms with it and kept thinking how wrong it was.
As time passed, and Dad crossed more lines I just realized that it didn’t matter whether I thought it was right or wrong.
All that mattered was how I could be strong and make it through each day.
Just trying to be okay so I can survive each day.
I knew what fear felt like because I had watched him abuse mom most of my life. In the past months I’ve also learned how it feels like to be betrayed and have your trust broken. Parents are supposed to protect you and love you. Not hurt you until you have no tears left to cry.
And it’s not just Dad who has played with my emotions. Mom has done equal damage where I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone about what I was going through because no one would believe me.
So I know it’s not okay. Nothing that I’m dealing with is okay. But to survive I have to be okay.
“You’re right, but if I don’t pretend to be okay then I won’t be.”
Marie stares at me for a long time, as if she completely understands what I said.
Without saying anything, she hugs me and I hug her back.
Tears appear in my eyes once again but I keep them at bay. When Marie sniffles in the crook of my neck I can’t help the sob that escapes me.
We cry again and then I tell her everything from the beginning. I keep a few intimate things to myself, parts that are too ugly and horrific to share.
Heath and Sebastian also come closer and listen to me.
In the middle of it, Heath sits behind me.
He makes space between his legs so my back is pressed against his chest and my head is nestled nicely on his shoulder.
His arms wrap around me and he cocoons me in his scent, warmth and him—everything that I like so much about him.