Chapter 6
CHAPTER 6
Mercy
I had to admit, stretching my legs was a good idea. With all the chaos surrounding me, it had been a bit... stifling.
My dad had given me a wide berth most of the time, unaware of precisely how to deal with me once I was a full-fledged teen and not a quiet little kid. It was like, for him, time stopped when my mom died, and every now and then he’d look up and realize years had passed, and he didn’t recognize me.
I was used to being alone, I guess, and I found some sense of comfort in that. Because I was never really alone. I had Miles. My best friend, who happened to be trapped inside of a computer, states away.
I washed my hands in the bathroom sink, the fluorescent lights flickering above me.
Miles.
His name felt monumental on my tongue.
It felt like there was something important I was missing, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
My memory of him was... murky, at best, but the feeling I got when I thought of him...
My body warmed and my heart beat faster. My best friend, my confidant, my...
Boyfriend?
I wasn’t sure one kiss constituted a boyfriend. But...
I couldn’t deny that ever since I woke from that vision, my mouth felt all tingly and my stomach was in knots.
The lights flickered again, the room darkening around me as I tried my hardest to remember.
When I looked up in the mirror, my blood froze. I could see his face, so vividly. His dark eyes and hair, that boyish smile. I’d seen hundreds of pictures of him, but in the flesh, he was... taller.
Hotter.
My heart skipped a beat and without thinking, I reached out to him, but the knock on the bathroom stall alerted me, and I turned in surprise.
“Just a sec,” I said as I finished up, turning back around as the lights brightened and stayed put.
He was gone, or the image of him was gone. Like he was never here at all...
Of course he’s not here .
What were the odds he’d be on a train to Eureka?
A sharp realization hit me.
I’d shown up in Heaven, unaccounted for, because I’d been ejected from my body, and only until recently had I remembered even going to Jasper Springs in the first place.
What if...
What if Miles was like me?
What if he was walking around somewhere, a lost soul?
I stumbled out of the stall, nearly knocking the woman in front of me over.
“Sorry,” I said, not bothering to hang around long enough to hear her curse me.
I had to tell Val and Endor. If I was not?—
“Mercy...”
I froze in the aisle, turned to look for the caller of my name. There was no one walking around, and most of the people in their seats were reading or had their headphones in if they weren’t sleeping. It was nearing nine pm, and it was dark out. With any luck we’d be arriving in the early hours of morning.
“Hello?” I asked, my heart in my throat.
No one answered, and I thought I must have been hearing things.
Madness... maybe that’s part of the whole lost soul thing, right?
Except just as I slid my hands in my pockets and set forth toward our cabin, I felt someone grasp my hand. The feeling was cold, like ice.
I jumped, turning around once more, but there was no one there.
What the hell?
Panic and fear ran through me because I thought I really must have been losing my mind. I needed to find my body. I needed to find myself so everything could go back to normal.
What is normal? My psyche asked.
Being left alone like a houseplant and hoping to get enough sunlight to live?
I shoved the thoughts away and moved faster down the aisle toward our cabin.
I wasn’t sure what was happening, but maybe Endor or Valory would have an answer.
So that’s what I held onto.
I knocked once before entering, not missing the rustle of sheathing feathers or the thudding sound of Valory shifting in her seat.
The first thing I saw was Val’s pink cheeks. The second thing I saw was a look of hurt in Endor’s eyes.
I recognized that look. My dad had gotten it every year when it was my mother’s birthday.
I should feel proud, or at least victorious, because I knew what that look meant.
It meant that I was right about one thing, and that was that my supernatural chaperones had it bad for one another.
Which, that alone was like the storyline of the century.
An angel and a demon?
That was peak enemies to lovers if I ever heard it, but...
I didn’t have it in me to ooh and ahh over my guardians’ budding romance when I couldn’t shake the goosebumps on my skin, or the feeling like I was being watched.
You’re probably just paranoid from being kidnapped. Stressed because your body’s out there somewhere...
“Have a nice trip?” Valory asked, her voice betraying no hint of difference.
Endor shifted in his seat, flashing his gaze at me. That look... the sadness in his eyes, the fall of his shoulders...
My memory tugged at my heart as I thought about all the nights I’d found my dad, three or four beers in, staring at mom’s photos.
It was the only time he’d let me hug him without grumbling.
Mom always said emotion was easier for empaths like us. But for men like my dad—men who’d been conditioned to think feeling made them less than—it was more difficult. But difficult as it was, it didn’t mean they didn’t need a hug or comfort just like the rest of us.
So, I sat next to Endor, noted the shift in his stance, the momentary relief , and I thought maybe I was not the only person in the cabin who knew something about loneliness.
“Uh, sure...” I said.
“What is it?” he asked, his dark gaze focusing on me.
Valory said nothing, but I could feel her gaze on us.
“I, uh... My memories... they are coming back stronger, I think,” I said, twisting my hands in my lap. “I can’t... I can’t stop thinking about him. And then, in the bathroom, I?—”
“What?” Valory pressed, and leaned forward. “What happened?”
I sighed, and looked between the demon and angel in my presence.
I’d never know the truth, if I didn’t ask, right?
“I saw him. Not like a vision, like...”
“Like he was in the room with you?” Endor asked carefully.
I nodded. “Kind of, but then he disappeared, and?—”
Endor’s gaze hardened. “Like a ghost.”
“Something like that, I guess...”
Valory spoke, her voice soft, caring. “Memories can be quite haunting.”
I caught her gaze. “I could almost... feel them. Like... like they were real. And then, I could’ve sworn I felt someone touch me, and?—”
I shook my head. Nothing felt like it was making sense anymore. “It doesn’t make sense... why... why can’t I remember?” I pursed my lips, trying to hold back tears.
I wanted to remember. I wanted to remember so badly...
What happened to me, how I ended up disembodied.
But I also wanted to remember him. I needed to remember him.
God, what if he was out there, all alone, looking for me ?
What if he didn’t remember me?
What if?—
Valory shifted, taking a seat next to me, setting her hand on my thigh. She rubbed lightly.
“Because you loved him.”
Her words weren’t accusing or condescending, but sympathetic.
As if she understood on some imperceptible level what I could barely grasp.
Of course, I bet someone as gorgeous as her has had tons of boyfriends.
I can’t even figure out if I had one.
God, I am such a loser!
My silence spoke volumes, her words settled on me.
I wanted to say I’d never been in love, but the truth was...
I didn’t remember being in love. Not in my brain, but...
My heart skipped a beat, my insides rushed with warmth as Miles’s image filled my psyche, as the memory of his kiss lit up every nerve in my body.
The goosebumps returned, and for a moment, as I closed my eyes, I swore I could smell the faintest scent of Axe body spray.
I’d sent him a gift set last Christmas, because he said he loved the ocean scent. I bought myself a bottle of the deodorant spray, not only because it was cheaper than my usual Secret , but because it made me think of him.
And maybe it did work better on my sweat than women’s deodorant...
Something about that scent felt important, but it faded when I opened my eyes and I was remiss to believe I wasn’t only hallucinating, but full on going delusional.
My mind might not have remembered being in love, but my heart... my heart ached at her words.
How could that be?
How could my memory tell me one thing but my heart another?
What body part did I believe?
“No, I mean, yes... maybe? I don’t know...” I said as the tears pooled in my eyes.
Endor wrapped his arm around me, pulling me close to his chest, and I lurched forward, my head in my hands.
Valory moved, and before long, she was beside me. She slid her arm around my shoulders, her fingers just brushing against Endor’s on my back.
He squeezed me tight.
“What do you remember?” Valory asked calmly.
“Start at the beginning,” Endor coaxed.
“We were friends, I know that much. But, like, online friends.”
Endor’s eyebrows furrowed. “Online friends?”
Valory rubbed my back. “Go on.”
“I guess... I was alone a lot. So was he. We met on Reddit, and it was like... like we just... clicked, you know?”
Endor grunted, his expression stoic as he shook his head. “The fuck is Reddit?”
“A hellscape,” Valory deadpanned, and I couldn’t help but laugh. It started deep in my gut until it escaped me with a life all of its own.
The situation itself was absurd. I knew that, but the comfort of being with them, like that...
It almost reminded me of being with my mom and dad.
Before my mother died.
Before my dad’s spirit died and left him a shell of the person I used to know.
“Tell me more about this Reddit friendship,” Val pushed.
Endor didn’t say a word, but he didn’t remove his hand, either.
“I guess we just talked a lot, you know. I don’t really remember much, but I know that we used to talk a lot. Like, for hours at a time.”
I didn’t miss the longing look in Val’s gaze. She looked at me the same way Endor did when I entered.
Like she was missing something. Or perhaps, someone...
I didn’t know the first thing about death from their perspective, but the fear of leaving behind people...
People I might love , made me feel every bit like a frozen popsicle.
I wondered who Valory had left behind...
Pain struck me at the thought.
“Did you take this... friendship ... offline?” Endor asked, his voice full of concern.
Not judgment, but more like... the way a father would be concerned.
The way my father should have been concerned, if he’d noticed.
I thought about his question. I couldn’t really remember what happened. I remembered talking online. Remembered staying up for hours talking about shows and school and college applications.
College applications...
Miles was a freshman in college.
The truth hit me as I remembered him lamenting about his impending twentieth birthday.
When I asked him what he wanted for his birthday...
You. I want to meet you.
I blinked as I sucked in a breath, my hand settling on my chest. My heart beat fast, like the wheels of the train beneath our feet.
“I think that’s a yes,” Valory said, but suddenly, I felt faint. My heart was dangerously beating fast and my gasps had turned rapid.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t...
“Shh... deep breaths, Mercy,” Endor’s voice cut through the panic and he shifted me into his lap, wrapping me up like a baby in his arms.
I curled up in his warmth, grabbing his arms as I tried to focus on his voice, his warmth.
“Mercy...”
“We pushed her too hard,” Endor bit. “ You pushed her too hard. She’s just a fucking kid, not a criminal.”
“We need her to remember!” Val said, her tone pleading. “If he’s out there...”
I closed my eyes, her truth stirring up a hundred memories, a hundred fantasies, and a hundred wishes.
If he’s out there.
He had to be, right?
I couldn’t be in this alone...
I’d always been alone...
Until I found him.
I squeezed my eyes shut, pain and exhaustion overtaking me.
“It’s okay, Mercedes. I have you. You’re safe,” Endor breathed.
Valory’s hand rubbed my back and Endor growled, but he didn’t push her away.
“We have you,” she said, her voice stern.
“What if I’m not the only one?” I asked as the tears made their way out of my eyes.
“What if I’m too late, what if we?—”
“Over my dead body,” Endor said solidly. “We will find your body.”
“What about him?” I asked. “What if he’s out there...”
“If he’s as tied to you as you are to him, Mercy, we’ll find him.”
Her words soothed me in a way that should not have been possible.
They gave me hope.
I nodded against Endor’s chest as he ran his fingers through my hair. The motion reminded me of the way my mother used to do it when I was little before she put me to bed.
“Rest, sweet Mercy. We have a long journey ahead of us.”
I didn’t have to be told twice. Exhaustion took me as Endor held me, shielding me from the monsters within myself.