Chapter 4
LUCY
The aspirin must’ve worked pretty damn well if I was out as soon as I’d hit the pillow. It was morning now, and the sun was bright against the half-closed blinds that faced the bed.
Once the adrenaline wore off last night, my body turned to jello, and I had no fight left in me.
All I knew was that Sam was home, and I had to fight the urge to throw my arms around him and sob.
I wanted to, but how would that make me look?
I’d just left Jack. It was almost too calculated, and the town was small.
Were there whispers that Sam had been home?
I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he thought it was a good idea not only to come pick me up, but allow that to be the first time we had seen each other in years.
I needed to find out how long he’d been home, and why he hadn’t come to explain why he fucked me and disappeared the next day like I meant nothing.
Should I even care?
It was a stupid yet realistic question. He looked the same as the last time I saw him.
The only difference was that his arms were bigger, and the veins bulged every time he flexed his muscles.
His hair was still short, and he had thick facial hair versus the growing stubble I’d grown to know.
Most importantly, he was quiet. We’d only had that one conversation where I was a bit harsh, but the whiplash of seeing him again, coupled with the stress of the crash, had completely knocked me off my feet.
I wasn’t myself, and maybe he deserved an apology.
Peeling the covers back from my body, I gasped at the sight. Deep purple welts coated my legs, and my ripped-up hands had clean bandages.
My head.
That was cleaned up, too, with a soft cotton pad and medical-grade tape over it.
Guilt riddled my chest. He took care of me last night, and I had told him to stop trying.
When my feet hit the floor, my body threatened to fall, my legs unsteady beneath me.
After a few tries, though, I was out the door and heading down the stairs.
As I approached the kitchen, a low sizzle could be heard among laughter and the sound of flesh on flesh.
A small smile spread across my face as the pair came into view.
They acted like they didn’t have a care in the world, but it was Marco with the scorching laughter, pouring coffee into three cups that sat neatly lined up on the counter.
I wondered if my brother had ever noticed the way Sam tensed when he was touched, or that he’d been zoned out, staring at something out the window as he meticulously scrubbed at a plate.
Our eyes met when he looked up from the dishes. Sam smiled, but it didn’t reach the eyes that were locked on my form.
All the hidden feelings I’d harbored came crashing to the surface, and I needed to come clean about them if we were all going to stay here, inhabiting the place together.
Back in college, Sam was one of the most popular guys. He’d had it all, and everybody had wanted to be him. Captain of the basketball team, amazing grades, and a best friend who would take a bullet for him.
Then there was me.
A familiar emotion crept along my veins. The same feeling I’d had for the last half of my life. Inadequacy.
Sam pulled out the chair, gesturing for me to sit, but I stayed glued to my spot. I tasted copper on my bottom lip from how hard I’d bit down, and decided to go for it.
“Why?” His fingers thrummed over the top of the chair, staying silent. “What happened that night in your dorm? Tell me what I did, Sam.”
My voice cracked on his name. His answer wouldn’t have been what I was looking for. Honestly, I would be fine with “the sex sucked” as long as he gave me something.
“I’m so sorry. I had to. I was nowhere near the man you needed,” he finally admitted, squeezing the chair so hard I thought it would break underneath his fingers.
“You were one year away from graduating. This wasn’t just a few years. You disappeared for fourteen!”
His eyes turned glassy, tears threatening to fall as he took a step toward me. “I never meant to be gone that long. You have to believe me.”
“I don’t.”
“Then I am not sure why we are having this conversation,” he said, narrowing his eyes in suspicion. “If everything I say is a lie to you, why bother?”
“You took my virginity and left, Sam!” I hissed. “You don’t just forget about something like that. It fucking hurts.”
“No, you just shack up with a piece of shit asshole so you don’t have to feel anything at all, right?”
I was only half expecting the outburst and was taken aback by his sharp tone. How did he know anything about Jack? I stepped back, but it was too late now. His chest heaved as he straightened to his full height, towering over me.
“Don’t look at him, look at me.”
“Alright, you two. That’s enough. Why don’t y–” Marco cut in.
“Shut up,” I countered shakily. Sam refused to look at me now, his eyes glued to the floor and running his palm around the back of his neck.
“Ah.” My fingers rubbed against my chin in fake and rebellious thought. “The pesky validation, right? You always battled with it. You wanted everyone to like you.” I laughed menacingly. “What better way than to get bragging rights by fucking your best friend’s perfect little sister?”
Each word rolled off my tongue with venom. They needed to hurt. I wanted him to feel it as much as I’d been hurt and sit with it. Somehow, he seemed unfazed, and it started to seem like I was hurting myself more.
“What did you just say?” He said darkly, his voice dropping a level.
“Oh…I’m sorry. Would you prefer to be tied down and bent over while I whisper it in your ear?”
He took long strides until we were mere inches from each other. His thick hand grabbed my face harshly, pulling me the rest of the way. I could feel his breath on my face as he spoke, and goosebumps rose along my arms.
“So, after the whole two minutes it's been since we have seen each other again, you know my motivation? Hmm?”
I grabbed his arm, silently asking him to let go. He wasn’t hurting me, only enough to force me to face him. “Answer me, Snowflake.”
He got me with that one. The nickname he used to call me when we were kids. A name I no longer knew.
“Let me go, please,” was all I could whimper out as genuine fear spread throughout my body. He didn’t listen and brought his lips close to mine. “You have no right to call me that anymore.”
Emotions flickered across his face at a rate I couldn't keep up with. Sam released me and peered at his hands before clenching them into fists and placing them at his sides. “I’d never hurt you, so get that out of your head right now. I just need you to stop yelling.”
I stuck my pointer finger at my chest, and before I knew it, tears streamed down my reddened cheeks and onto the tiled floor. Memories from the past crept up on me, and I just wanted to go to sleep.
“I hate you.”
“I’ll make sure to add you to the list.” He was egging me on, giving me more of a reason to fight back, and I was shutting down.
“Because you can’t hate me any more than I can possibly hate myself.
” He swallowed. “Whether you believe me or not, I did it for you. You would have never married me for the person I was back then.”
“You're wrong.”
“About what?” He shot back.
“About me.”
“Oh yes, the whole ‘I could have fixed you’ speech.”
“That's enough, you two,” Marco tried to reason again.
“Sit down,” we yelled in unison.
“You were enough for me, Sam,” I said quietly.
“And now?”
“Now, we are roommates. Nothing more, nothing less.”
“That’s a lie, and you know it.”
I saw red, and my brain misfired from the stress of everything. I pushed him backward and gasped, guilt flooding my system before I even fully realized what I’d done. The hurt was written all over his face. I didn't mean to do it. I wasn't thinking.
I’m just like Jack.
“I’m so–”
He grabbed the front of my top, backing me slowly into the wall, and the sound of a chair scraping against the floor hit my ears.
Sam’s hand moved up slowly to cup my cheek, thumb brushing over my bottom lip, and I gave a shuddering breath, waiting for his next move.
“I broke you long before he did,” he choked out, leaning down to rest his forehead on mine. “You’re already ruining me. Please, don’t keep holding the mirror up when I am still accepting that I have to live with that for the rest of my life.”
His phone pinged, and I used his moment of distraction to rip myself from his grip, a sob pushing its way through as I ran up the stairs.
The front door slammed so hard I felt the vibration travel from the floor to my feet.
Hot tears poured down my cheeks as I barreled through the doorway, standing in the middle of the room, and not really knowing what to do.
I wasn’t a cryer, almost never, but those last words he spoke to me rang true.
When Sam left, it broke me, even more so when my brother followed.
We had been an inseparable trio growing up, and then I was alone, wondering if they would come home.
One day, Marco came home, safe from his first deployment.
Sam, on the other hand, hadn’t followed, and my head went to the worst. I was given the reassurance that he was very much alive, but he’d stayed behind.
Volunteering for some mission that should’ve had him home in a couple of months.
I waited for him to come home, and he never did.
At least, not the hometown we all grew up in.
Jack was able to sink his claws into me because of my choices, and my not listening to my intuition when red flags showed brightly. The moment I told him that Sam wasn’t coming home was my greatest regret.
Sam couldn’t be my verbal punching bag, and I refused to treat him as such. I wanted him in my life. All I wanted was an explanation.
Three soft taps rapped on the open door, and I turned to face the culprit. My brother stepped over the threshold and walked straight to the bed. He patted the spot next to him. I sighed, joining him.
“I was harsh,” I admitted. “You don’t have to say it.”
“Listen. He harbors a lot of guilt for several things that were both in and out of his control, but he’s trying to be better.”
“How do I start over with him? This? It’s too late for us. He waited too long.”
“It’s a two-way road, Sister.”
Marco cleared his throat and pulled a stack of letters from behind his back, handing them to me. I flipped them around in my hands, inspecting them. They were all marked return-to-sender, from Sam…to me. I looked to my brother, who had an equally sullen expression.
“I never got these, any of them.”
“Yeah, but I bet Jack made sure you had mine, right?”
Now, I was even more confused. “I didn’t get any letters. From either of you.”
I shook my head furiously, trying to make sense of everything in my head.
Jack withheld my letters from them? Sam, I could understand, but my brother?
It felt like someone was repeatedly punching me in the chest, not allowing me to get a full breath in.
The world spun, and heat spread across my skin.
“I think you need to clear your head. Why don’t you head up to the lodge for the weekend and enjoy some alone time? I’ll take you in the morning.”
My head snapped up. “That sounds like a wonderful idea. Love you, M.”
“Love you too. Now, get out of the house for a bit after you pack so I can try to salvage my day off.”
Maybe a weekend at the lodge was exactly what I needed.
Just me and the mountain air. I’d been wanting to go back for a long time.
My dad had bought the lodge as a gift to my mother, and we got plenty of use out of it as kids.
The second home was huge, with a four-panel window and six bedrooms, so our friends could join us whenever.
We would snowboard all day and have a fire at night.
Rinse and repeat the whole weekend until we had to go home.
I loved it. We spent every Christmas there until we all grew up.
I don’t think any of us had been there together in years.
I grabbed my bag from the floor and dumped the contents onto the bed so I could pack, ready to get the hell out of here and away from the one person that I would break all the rules for.