14. Millie
Jaw slack, mouth gaping, I blinked at Killian, struggling to make sense of the events that had just occurred. Did Killian actually throw my exasperating TA out the front door?
And why did it make me want to giggle?
“Now.” He flicked the lock back into place and turned. “Where were we, wife?”
My eyes widened, no doubt the size of dinner plates, as he prowled my way, his long legs eating up the space between us faster than I could process his words. Herding me backward, I jolted when my ass connected with the far wall. His muscular forearms sealed to the wall on either side of my head, boxing me in.
I should scream, shove him back, or at the very least feel a trickle of fear. Killian was a giant compared to me in height and clearly strong as hell if he could toss Jeremy around like a rag doll, one-handed.
My pulse raced, yes, but there was no rush of panic to trigger my fight-or-flight response.
Instead, heat slithered through my veins, collecting between my thighs while my stomach fluttered and my breaths turned shallow. His dominating me, crowding me with no escape, turned me on to the point I could feel the evidence collecting in my already damp panties.
My natural responses were clearly broken for this man.
“No,” I rasped. I’d hate myself if I acted on the desire thrumming through me. Too much hurt and anger still brewed inside me to give in to what my body clearly wanted.
Him.
His brows pulled in tight, a deep line forming between them as he studied my face. “No, to what?” I licked my lips, unsure how to answer, but thankfully he said the words for me. “No, to a quick hate fuck?” I nodded slowly, not wanting to make any sudden movements. The intensity radiating off Killian made me think of him like a hungry predator, and me the prey. “Why is that, Mrs. Cooper?”
I squeezed my lids shut, hating how much I loved the sound of that and not wanting him to see the yearning in my eyes. Peeling both eyes open, I gave my head a quick shake, hoping that would rattle some sense loose, and dipped beneath his arms. Moving to the living room, I paused in front of the unlit fireplace. The framed picture sitting on the mantle of me, smiling at the camera, eyes light with laughter and love, taunted me. The man who stood behind the camera then was the same one standing behind me now.
“No, because I don’t hate you, Killian,” I stated, voice quivering with the swell of emotions.
Swallowing down the bubbling nerves clogging my throat, I turned to face Killian. It was time to clear the air. I needed answers before we walked into this dangerous assignment and before I gave in to the insistent pull toward him. Hands braced along the back of the couch, his aqua eyes were locked on me, face blank, keeping me from reading how he felt about that declaration.
“Well,” I corrected, lips curved in a sad smile. “At least I didn’t until I walked into the FBI building yesterday and saw you happy and successful, living a perfect life as a profiler like on Mind Hunters?—”
He huffed. “You watch Netflix now?”
“Yes,” I said, rolling my eyes. He arched a brow and looked around the room as if pointing out the absence of a TV. “Okay, fine, just one episode on my laptop because it looked interesting.” He started to say something, but I held up a hand. “Stop distracting me while I’m trying to explain. I need to get this out so you know why.” My fingers danced along my loose, black joggers as I actively avoided his intense stare. “Why it hurt so much.” My voice cracked. “Fucking hell, Killian.” I tossed both hands in the air. “I need you to understand why you leaving me naked in my bed, alone, ten years ago broke me.”
“Millie.” My name was a whispered plea as he stood up straight and ran a hand through his long hair.
“No,” I said, swiping my hand through the air to cut him off. “You have to understand, if we’re doing this assignment together, you need to understand me, what I’ve struggled with for years because it all revolves around you.” I paused, allowing that declaration to settle in the heavy silence. “I don’t hate you, Killian. I was hurt and scared, yes, but more than anything, I was worried about my friend. And have been since that morning I woke up without you. I’ve looked for you every damn day since. I never gave up, too afraid that you were out there somewhere, needing… well, me.”
“What?” His face fell; the emotionless mask cracked, exposing the man I knew and loved beneath.
So this was it, the time I dreaded and hoped for in the same breath for years. When I laid out everything. This was healthy for both of us. And hopefully, once we cleared the air, and he realized just how much his leaving broke me, but not nearly as much as finding him alive and well did, he’d stop pushing for more. Stop stoking the long dead and cold feeling inside me that only he could spark back to life. My legs trembled, barely holding up my weight as I moved to the only chair in the room that still had a cushion and fell into it.
“Based on the slivers of information you let slip about your dad, I thought he was in a cult or something similar and that he was forcing you to follow in his footsteps.”
“You weren’t far off,” he grumbled before those aqua eyes snapped to me. “That’s why you…” His voice took on an awe-like tone. “You were looking for me.” His voice broke at the end, exposing the emotions bombarding him.
“Yes, I was looking for you. The only real friend I ever had.”
He cleared his throat and looked toward the bay window. “You never forgot about me.”
“Forgot about you?” I shook my head in disbelief. “There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought about you, Killian. Wondering where you were, if you were safe and alive.” I angrily wiped at the rogue tear that escaped, and I huffed a humorless laugh. “Just ask my ex. Apparently, no one, including the man I willingly married, could live up to your memory. That’s why he left me.” My gaze dropped to the floor. “He said he couldn’t take being compared to someone who didn’t exist. But you still did to me, in my memories, plus in the hope of finding you.”
I peeked up through damp lashes at the sound of his boots against the hardwood floor. I tracked his cautious movements as he rounded the couch, inching closer and closer until he paused directly in front of where I sat. With more grace than someone his size should have, he knelt to the floor. Gripping my thrumming fingers, he held them tight in his own. The small, encouraging squeeze gave me the courage to keep going.
“So no, Killian, I can’t hate fuck you because deep down it’s not hate that I feel. I’m hurt, embarrassed, and feel like a damn fool, but hate…” I shook my head. “I never considered that you just left, not caring about the devastation you left behind. Then you stepped into that office yesterday, not trapped in a cult or in danger. It was like a punch to the heart. In front of other agents, I was slapped with the realization that you left me willingly and never even tried to reach out, despite having the resources to find me.” I shook my head, sending my dark hair slipping forward to form a dark curtain around my face. With both hands, Killian threaded his fingers through the silky soft strands, holding my head while he stared into my eyes with so much emotion swirling in his own my breath caught. “I spent the last ten years of my life searching for a man who didn’t want me to find him.”
His aqua eyes bore into mine as if attempting to detect the truth in my words. Sucking in a deep breath, Killian leaned closer until his forehead pressed against mine.
“I didn’t want to leave you. Please believe me. I did what I had to do to keep you safe despite what it would cost me. I needed you far away from me, from my father’s reach. He was hell-bent on me following in his footsteps, of being even better than him. He threatened to hurt you so that I would comply with his demands. I can’t go into detail because it’s still dangerous for me if anyone outside of the agency uncovers my past. I’ve made a lot of enemies over the years who would love to get their hands on me and anyone who they deem my weakness.” Pulling back, he searched my face. “Tell me this. Maybe it will help you believe me. That morning, when you woke up, and I wasn’t there, do you remember feeling groggy or out of sorts?”
My lips pressed in a tight line, brows furrowed as I thought back to that morning, pushing past the intense heartbreak that immediately set in at finding his side of the bed cold. I gave a slow nod. “Yes, now that you mention it. It took me an entire day to think clearly again, but I just associated it with the emotional whiplash. In twenty-four hours, I went from elated to devastated, in love with a future to ditched and alone.”
“Fuck,” Killian cursed. “I’m so sorry, Millie. I knew leaving with my father would save your life, but that you’d be confused and hate me. But I still did it, knowing that the light in my life that was you would hate me. I walked away that morning to save you. And circling back to what you think about me, happy and successful, you saw what I want everyone else to see. Because I sure as fuck haven’t been happy since the day I left.”
I focused on that revelation, not sure if it made me more upset or pleased that he was unhappy during our years apart.
“I’m so confused, Killian.” I sat back in the chair and buried my face in both palms. “You say you haven’t been happy, and you’re clearly free from whatever your father forced you into, considering you’re in the FBI now, so why didn’t you reach out to me? All you had to do was google my name and know exactly how to find me.”
Was it time to tell him I never changed my last name after I got married because I couldn’t let go of the hope that one day he’d find me again? Though I never said that out loud; no, I blamed it on the fact that my diplomas and certifications were listed with my maiden name.
“Why didn’t I reach out to you, the woman I left without explanation?” His huffed laugh held zero humor. “Because I’m a damn coward, Millie,” he rasped. “I knew that you’d hate me or, worse, had forgotten about me. If I reached out and you turned me away or I found you happy, really happy with a life that didn’t include me, I wouldn’t have survived that level of devastation. And I thought, considering the shit I went through and still deal with, that you were better off without me. I’m a fucking mess and always will be because of what I’ve done and have gone through.” He looked up, unshed tears filling both lower lids. “I’m not that guy anymore, the man you trusted and wanted. I didn’t want you to see this version of me, so… broken.”
My fingers trembled as I reached out and cupped his scruff-lined jaw. His lids fluttered closed, and he leaned into my hand.
“Are you better now?” I probed.
“Some days, no, but most days, yes. Though memories of those hard, dark days haven’t been an issue since yesterday when I saw you.”
“Yesterday, when both of our lives turned into this… complicated mess.” I snorted.
“I’d take this every fucking day over the all-consuming nothingness I’ve lived in since I left you sleeping in that bed.” Killian inched closer, his lips hovering over mine. “Please let me kiss you, Millie. Remind me what it’s like to feel.”
My fingers slid into his hair. Using the light hold, I tugged, erasing that small distance and sealing our lips together.
I wasn’t a saint, had kissed and slept with others in the years we were apart, but the moment his lips touched mine, I knew none of them meant anything compared to this. Every nerve ending flickered alive like sparklers dancing beneath my skin while my stomach tightened and loosened with the swell of desire flooding my veins.
Calloused palms cupped my cheek and tilted my head just enough to take control, deepening the kiss. A soft sigh had my lips parting, giving him access to sweep his tongue inside, amping up the pulsing need for him.
I sucked in a deep breath when he pulled back, though he didn’t go far, instead brushing his lips along my jaw, tracking down the column of my neck.
“I missed you so fucking much. Every part of you. I dreamed of this, fantasized about what it would be like if I ever grew the balls to approach you, to see if you’d missed me as much as I had you.”
Before I could respond, his lips sealed to mine again, this time with a desperation I felt deep in my core. My arms snaked around his neck, fingers diving into his hair to hold tight in case he tried to back away again. Though I didn’t need to worry. His hands dropped from around my face to slide beneath my ass, fingers digging into the plump flesh as he stood. My legs wrapped around his waist, sealing my core to his hard stomach.
“Tell me you want this,” he mumbled against my lips. “Tell me you want me as much as I need you right now.” I nodded, but apparently that wasn’t enough. A stinging slap connected with my ass, making me gasp and pull back. His hooded gaze watched me with blatant heat. “Words, babycakes. I need words before I lose myself in this tiny little body of yours.”
“You spanked me,” I said instead of responding because apparently, a spanking short-circuited my brain.
In the best way possible.
“I did, and I’ll do it again to get an answer.”
My heart thundered against my chest as I sealed my lips shut. A spark of humor passed over his features before another hard slap hit in the same place as the previous. My head fell back as a moan vibrated up my throat. I shifted against Killian, desperate for any kind of friction to ease the uncomfortable pulse between my thighs.
“You like that, don’t you, naughty girl?” A breath caught in my throat. “Oh, Millie, just let me in, baby, and I’ll show you how being my good, naughty girl can be so fucking amazing.” I tipped my head forward, lips parted to accommodate each shallow breath, and met his heated gaze. “Tell me, Millie. Do you want this, want me? If you say yes, I’ll make you forget the hurt from my absence and remind you it’s always been me who owned this delicious body.”
Once again, my brain stopped working as I fought to catch my breath. This was everything I wanted and wished I had in my boring-as-hell sex life. I needed someone to take control, to help me turn off my brain to forget about everything but my partner. I hesitated to ask what I wanted now, considering my ex scoffed at me and rolled over, disgusted the last time I dared to speak up.
Killian’s dirty-blond brows pulled in tight, and a thumb pressed between my own brows, smoothing the line that formed there.
“If you have to think that hard, then it’s a no, and that’s okay, Millie. I’m a patient man when it comes to you and will wait until my last breath for the chance to touch you, to feel you from the inside, all hot and tight around my throbbing cock?—”
“Fuck,” I moaned and shifted against him, hoping the seam of my joggers would help relieve the insistent throb. “Yes, I want this.” Fingers wrapped around the back of his neck, I gave it a tight squeeze. “I need you, Kill.”
He considered me for a second, his delay driving my frustration higher. Without warning, I slammed my lips to his and bit at his lower lip.
“Please don’t make me beg,” I whispered, allowing some of the vulnerability to seep through my tone.
“Bedroom,” he demanded with a growl as he palmed both ass cheeks, no doubt leaving fingerprint bruises.
“Second floor, last door at the end of the hall,” I rasped against his lips, while trying to maintain the hot-as-hell kiss.
With each step, the pounding of his feet against the stairs sent a jolt straight to my core. A low moan escaped as I hung on to Killian, face sealed against his neck. This was happening. Not only was I more turned on than I had been in a decade, but I was in his arms.
My Killian.
Even though my heart was still tender, I knew deep in my soul I could trust him, not only with my safety but my body, too. For years, I chased the same blissful high he wrung from me that night we were together. And hopefully, here in my little townhome, in my bed during the middle of the afternoon, I’d finally reach that ecstasy again.