Chapter 12
CHAPTER TWELVE
CURTIS
Fuck me.
As I stare down at “Mitchell” covered in my cum, an emotion I’ve never experienced while doing cam work washes over me: shame.
The only thing is, I can’t be sure what I have to be shameful for. Is it that I’ve never crossed this line with a subscriber or because I didn’t charge him for it? Other content creators offer private videos or video calls, but I’ve never felt comfortable with that before.
So why is this guy different?
Maybe if he’d been a low-tier subscriber or only been watching me for a month or two, I would have suggested him paying me extra for our interaction just now, but this guy is one of the reasons my down payment fund is thick and healthy. A lot like his cock.
Granted, compared to the rest of him, his cock looks around average size, but his limbs and where the dildo was suction cupped to the wall indicated the guy was really tall.
It’s difficult to determine size if he’s disproportionate to the rest of him.
It wasn’t the length that I was looking at, though, anyway. It was how fucking thick he was.
Is the shame stemming from knowing that KingdomHearts is probably the most decent guy on my subscriber list who has ever reached out, and I’m using him? Then again, he has basically said the same with me.
Perhaps it’s that I’ve blurred lines between my job and my real life. I didn’t even film that. I should have. It’s rare now to even think about getting off without first contemplating getting the camera out. If money was attached to what we did, then maybe it wouldn’t feel so … personal.
KingdomHearts
I don’t mean to sound needy, but it’s been a while since I sent the video. Was it totally the opposite of sexy and now you’re trying to think of a way to tell me to never, ever contemplate starting my own profile on this app? Because don’t worry, I’m leaving that to you professionals.
I’m still reading over that message when another comes through.
Sorry. You’re probably busy and don’t even have time to watch it now. And you’re under no obligation either.
There’s that cute rambling thing again, and it really does remind me of Finn. It’s as if I can read the words in his voice. And even though I could only see his lower half on the video, he looked tall like him.
Ugh. This. This is why I’m feeling shameful. Because KingdomHearts is a mere surrogate for what I truly want, and that’s Finn.
If it weren’t for David’s upcoming wedding, I wouldn’t be around Finn so much, so if I can get through this next year with as minimal contact with him as possible, I’ll rid myself of this slight infatuation with him.
I would say sleeping together could work to move on, but Finn isn’t hookup material. He’s boyfriend material, which means he has the potential to hurt me.
Here I am, talking to KingdomHearts but thinking about Finn. I shake it off, ignore the voice in my head telling me to cut things off with KingdomHearts too, and take a pic of my cum all over the back of the silicone ass.
Gunner
Sorry. Was too busy with my hands full to reply.
I attach the pic and add:
Thanks for the fun. For what it’s worth, you could make a living out of videos like that.
KingdomHearts
Ha. You’re very sweet, but I thought I was going to vomit just sending that to you. I don’t know how I’d do with an audience.
Gunner
You kind of forget about that after a while. About how many people are watching. Also, nothing defeats the afterglow of an orgasm quite like the mention of vomit. Just a tip. In case you decide to upload that video.
KingdomHearts
Still not going to happen, but thanks for the tip in general. Note to self: don’t mention vomit to the deliciously handsome cam boy who’s nice enough to give you the time of day even if it’s only because you pay him to.
Oh, look. That shame feeling is back.
It’s so weird to me that I can take thousands of people’s money every month in exchange for videos of me getting off without an ounce of shame, but the minute one of them becomes real, the guilt hits hard.
Maybe that money shouldn’t go to a down payment on a house after all. Maybe it should go to therapy.
I’ve been a good boy. I successfully avoided a family brunch to see off Melanie and Finn’s parents as they head back to Chicago. David and Beth were there, so they said I belonged there as well, but I made up an excuse about having a project I needed to work on so I could get paid.
There was no project, but to make sure I wasn’t completely lying, I spent the whole time sketching out a scene for a new graphic novel, even though I haven’t sold my last one yet.
My new main character looks a hell of a lot like Finn.
Maybe I haven’t been a totally good boy because I might be strong enough not to see him, but my mind isn’t strong enough to not think of him.
David’s asked me to meet up with him today, and while my Spidey senses tell me Melanie and Finn will probably be there too, it’s not like I can ask if they are. My opinion means a lot to David, and while I love Melanie for him, the reason I didn’t go to brunch isn’t because of her.
It’s because my self-control is hanging on by a thread.
It’s also why I haven’t reached out to KingdomHearts again as well. Now that we kind of had a private session, he hasn’t messaged me either. It’s entirely possible he got what he wanted from me and that’s the last I’ll hear from him, but I know he still subscribes. He hasn’t completely bailed out.
That’s for the best, though, too.
What’s wrong with me? I went from being completely happy alone, doing the cam thing while working on my novel, and the idea of getting all twisted up over a guy made me break out in hives.
Now here I am, twisted up over two, and going back to filming and imagining my toys as my perfect men doesn’t hold the same satisfaction as before.
There’s that want for more. Real flesh instead of silicone. But thinking about hooking up with any rando still has that cringe reaction. I apparently only want Finn.
Or KingdomHearts. Our connection is the closest thing I’ve gotten to a reprieve from everything Finn.
Maybe I should reach out again or propose a collaboration. I’ve never done a collab before, but I’ve seen other creators do them. Sure, most of those are in person, but there was one I saw where it was like a duet. Side-by-side split screens.
KingdomHearts says he’s not brave enough to post videos, but he really could make bank.
I won’t pressure him though.
I’m about to leave to meet David for lunch when my phone goes off. It’s him, asking where I am.
Me
Traffic is a bitch.
David
You haven’t left yet, have you? Don’t lie to me.
Damn it. He knows me too well.
Me
I’m walking out the door right now.
Luckily, our lunch place is near his work and my apartment, and traffic isn’t a bitch, so I’m only fifteen minutes late.
I hold my breath as I enter Brown’s Social House, hoping and praying it’s only David waiting for me. I only let it out when I see he’s by himself at the table, facing the door, and watching me with a playful scowl on his face.
“Finally. You know I only have an hour for lunch, don’t you?”
“Pfft. You’re the boss. You can take as long as you want.”
“Don’t go using technicalities on me. Or that I took the rest of the day off. Be on time, jackass.”
I gasp. “I am always on time, thank you very much. Except for when it comes to you. What can I say? The thought of seeing your face makes me dawdle. It’s a real struggle sitting here pretending you aren’t the ugliest fucker in the world. I need to prepare for it. Every time.”
“Just for that, I’m not paying for your lunch.” He mumbles under his breath, “And you’re the ugly fucker here.”
We love each other. Really, we do.
“Okay, fine. You have killer dimples. No one can compete with that.”
“Don’t try to suck up now. I’m still not paying for your lunch.”
I grit my teeth. “I don’t need you to.” Because my freelance graphic design business is a work-from-home kind of gig, everyone assumes I don’t have money.
And okay, sure, if it wasn’t for my Money Shot income, I would be dead-ass broke, but they don’t know that. I haven’t asked to borrow money from anyone in years, but because I have the luxury of dropping what I’m doing at all hours of the day, they assume I don’t actually work.
“You’ve been getting more design jobs?”
“I told you I couldn’t go to brunch because I had a job.” I might have been lying, but that’s not the point.
“Good. Melanie was worried she’d overstepped and scared you off with constantly trying to set you up with her brother.”
I avert my gaze. “Uh …”
“Oh, shit, it is because of her, isn’t it?”
“No. No, it’s not. But could she possibly, maybe, a tiny bit ease up on that front for a while? It’s not that she’s being pushy, but Finn and I agreed to be friends.”
The server approaches to take our drink order, but we put in our food orders, too, because we don’t even need to look at the menu to know.
As soon as the server is gone, David says, “I’ll tell her it’s too much and you don’t like it.”
“No, don’t make her think I don’t like her. I’m … seeing someone.”
He pulls back. “Are you? And why haven’t you told me about him?”
“Uh, because it’s none of your business.” And it’s not true.
“Is too my business. The night I met Mel, I called you and said I’d met my future wife. And you’re so anti-relationship, you dating someone doesn’t make sense.”
“Maybe that’s exactly why I haven’t said something. Because anything I have won’t go anywhere. I haven’t told you because I have never, and will never, experience that moment of ‘I just met my future husband.’”
David leans back in his seat. “You deserve to have that moment, you know? I know your past boyfriends were assholes, but that doesn’t mean all the men out there are the same. You deserve to be happy.”
“I don’t remember ever saying I’m not happy.” Even if it was only this morning I was thinking it.
“If I make Mel promise to stop trying to set you two up, will you come to game night on Saturday?”
Game night with Finn? Sounds like a game of real torture to me.
“You know you want to,” David sings.
I really do. Game nights are the best. But I promised myself to try to stay away from Finn as much as possible. “It’ll depend on where I’m at with this project. If I get it done by Friday, I’ll be there.” You know, the imaginary project that doesn’t exist. That one.
Before he can beg some more, my phone pings with the telltale notification sound Money Shot messages have.
“Oh, you’ve got that app too?” David asks, and my phone burning a hole in my pocket is forgotten.
“Too?”
“Yeah. Finn has it, and I know it was rude, but it was reflex to look when the notification went off.”
Even though I tell my heart to calm down, it doesn’t listen. Just because he has the app, that doesn’t mean he’s come across my content. Or that he ever will. There are thousands of creators on there.
He would’ve said something if he recognized me. Surely.
Fuck, what if he’s seen my content? I’m stuck in my head, trying not to freak out, when David keeps talking.
“He said Money Shot is about stocks and trading … but wait, why do you—”
Stock market? Trading? My pursed lips must give it away that it really, really isn’t.
“Oh. Ohhh. It’s gay. It’s a gay thing, isn’t it?” The panic that takes over his face is priceless. Sweet, innocent David. “Oh my God! I pried into my future brother-in-law’s sex life without even knowing it.”
“Probably don’t ask him for tips about … stock market trading.”
His eyes only widen more. “Too late.”