Chapter 36
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
CURTIS
When Finn bursts through the room, his face morphs from determined to just as confused as I am. I glance at David, who’s inching closer to Finn, and then suddenly turns on his heel and runs.
Before either of us have a real chance to figure out what’s happening, both David’s and Melanie’s wide smiles greet us as they begin closing the wide double doors.
“What—”
“You’ll be allowed out once you’ve talked,” Mel says.
“Allowed out?” Finn asks. He goes to step toward them when David holds up a door handle.
“Nope. You two need to discuss this.”
“We will,” I say. “Just, not here. This is your day. We don’t want to make things weird.”
Melanie makes a “Pfft” noise. “Like the dinner last night wasn’t already weird?
I don’t care what you do—fight, yell, kiss, make up—but you’re going to talk so we can have a peaceful wedding that’s not full of awkward looks and the cold shoulder.
Okey dokey? Now, if I had a preference, I’d prefer you kissed and made up because you two are so right for each other, but what do I know?
I’m the only one you didn’t tell that you were even together! ”
“Wait, you told Melanie?” I yell at David.
“Nope,” comes another voice from behind them.
Sophia steps forward. “I did. Because this one came home miserable”—she points to Finn—“and it was obvious last night that you’re miserable too.
So stop playing games. Stop running. Just fucking talk.
” She shakes her head. “This is why I’m going to only date women from now on. At least they know how to communicate.”
Sophia walks off, Melanie closes us in here with a door-shuddering thud, and even though there’s no handle, Finn grabs the door and shakes it like that might miraculously free us. With his size, it probably wouldn’t take much to bust open.
Standing here, looking at him and feeling the way I physically ache for the guy, I have no clue how I thought I’d be able to go on pretending like I’m unaffected by him.
Even though my palms are all clammy, I try for a joke. “Super eager to get away from me, are you?”
Finn’s back is to me, and he refuses to turn around. “I figured I’m the last person you want to see, let alone talk to.”
The crack in his voice makes me feel like the smallest person on Earth.
“I’m so sorry I ever made you feel like that.
” I approach him slowly, wary of the way his back is stiff, his shoulders rigid, and his head hangs low.
Everything about him looks so defeated, and I hate it.
All this time, I was so worried he’d hurt me that I didn’t stop to consider he’d be hurting too.
I press myself to his back, my forehead landing in between his shoulders, and I freeze for a second, scared he’ll pull away and reject me.
“I’m sorry for a lot of things,” I admit, and when he still doesn’t separate from me, my confidence grows.
“How I acted. How I ran away. How I forced myself not to feel things for you because I was scared. Most of all, I’m sorry I hurt you when you didn’t deserve it. You deserve the world.”
Finn scoffs. “But you’re not the man who can give it to me.
You can save your excuses and your sorries.
The only person in the wrong here was me, and as much as I’ve told myself I need to try to convince you that what I said was in the heat of the moment and I didn’t mean it and I was drunk …
I can’t. It was the truth. So, I can’t be around you right now.
Hopefully, one day, we’ll be able to go back to being only friends, but I …
I can’t …” He swallows. “It’s so painful to be around you. I’m … I’m going to move—”
“No!” Melanie’s voice carries through the door. David shushes her.
Wonderful. Not only do I have to bare my soul for the first time ever, but I have to do it with those two listening in as well.
I lift my head where it still rests on the top of Finn’s shoulders. “As invasive as they are, listening in,” I say loudly, “I agree with her.”
Finn turns and takes a step back from me, cutting the feeble connection we had. “You do?”
“Well, yeah. I’m really shit at relationships, and I wouldn’t want to start ours as a long-distance thing.”
There must be a million seconds squeezed into a minute. Either that or he glitches out and is frozen. I wave my hand in front of his face.
Finn blinks out of whatever the fuck that trance was and gives a subtle shake of his head. “I’m sorry, what? You might have to repeat what you said because I can’t have heard right.”
Time to drop being subtle. I owe Finn how I really feel, and I’m going to give it to him, no matter how terrified I am.
“You have something backward. You weren’t the one in the wrong here.
I was. Because I never gave you a proper chance.
I threw up walls, and no matter how many times you’d make them crack, I built them back up again.
I made up rules that were impossible for both of us to follow so I could protect myself from being hurt.
But the thing is, I’ve never hurt more than seeing what I did to you.
And after my boneheaded best friend slapped me in the face—”
Finn steps forward. “David did what? Okay, now I really will hit him.”
I laugh because Finn getting in a physical altercation is cute. His size could probably work in his favor, but his heart? It’s pure teddy bear.
“If you let me finish, he slapped me in the face with reality. That reality being that maybe my past boyfriends weren’t the problem.
I’m the one who sabotaged those relationships by pushing them away.
The blame isn’t all on me, but I can’t exactly play innocent victim when I’m the one who wouldn’t let them in.
He pointed out that if I’m too scared to go after the things I want, I’ll never be happy. And I want to be happy.”
Finn shoves his hands in his pockets, and I want to scream and beg him to use those hands to touch me instead. Hold me. Reassure me that putting myself on the line like this won’t be a mistake.
“You deserve to be happy,” Finn says. “And I hope you find the man who doesn’t make you doubt that.”
The lump in my throat suddenly feels the size of an orange. Is he saying … “Are you saying you’re not that guy?” I don’t know how the hell I’m still standing at the possibility that I might have ruined things irreparably.
He averts his gaze as he says, “Even if I wanted to be, you’ve made it clear that I’m not.
I don’t want a partner who’s unsure. I want them to know with their whole chest that I’m the guy for them.
As much as it hurts to even say this, that’s what I deserve, and I can’t play this game if I’m going to keep losing.
” He turns again and curses under his breath.
“Damn it, Mel. Let me out of here. You’re going to be late to walk down the aisle, and you said you didn’t want that. ”
There’s no answer, and I wonder if they’ve finally given us privacy.
“Please, Mel?” Finn sounds desperate now. “Putting me in here with him is fucking torture.”
The way I can hear his heart break in his tone makes a crack appear in my own chest. I have to put it on the line in the same way he did.
“You’re right,” I rasp. “This is fucking torture.”
Finn’s head pops up, and he tilts it toward me, looking over his shoulder.
It’s now or never, Curtis. Don’t fuck this up.
“I’ve been trying to tell you that I love you, okay?
As hard as I tried to fight it, to make it not happen, I couldn’t.
So when you …” Oh, right. Need to breathe.
“When you said you loved me, I freaked out because all my past insecurities ran through my head. Like you were only saying it to try to get me to stop filming and that you would own me and I would be trapped until you ultimately broke me, and all these irrational thoughts had me running. But I don’t want to run anymore. ”
He slowly turns back to me, his eyes as glassy as mine. “You don’t?”
“You said you want someone who doesn’t doubt you, and I don’t. I’ve never once doubted you, your intentions, or what a decent person you are since the day I met you … even after all that Money Shot stuff. It’s me I don’t have faith in. My issues. My baggage.”
He hasn’t stepped toward me, hasn’t moved, and panic claws at my throat.
“Please, Finn. I understand if I’m not the type of guy you can trust or that you don’t want to be involved with, but I can’t let you walk out of here until I’ve told you.
I’m one hundred percent head over heels in love with you, and even though I’m terrified, this is me deciding to go all in.
To stop being scared. I want to be with you. I want to—”
Out of nowhere, Finn barrels into me, almost knocking me off my feet, but then he’s there, holding me up, being my anchor, and pressing his lips to mine in a kiss that sends an electric jolt down to my toes. I grip him closer, and I’m determined to never let him slip through my fingers again.
You don’t let go of a man like Finn.
He pulls back gently, forehead touching mine. “I love you too.”
On the other side of the door, Sophia lets out a “Finally,” while Melanie says, “Yay, we did it. Now, let’s get them out of there.”
So much for privacy.
I ignore their voices until David’s cuts in.
“Uh, I don’t think we thought this through. I have the handles. The handles that need reattaching inside the room.”
Oh no, Finn and I are stuck in here, where we don’t have anything to do but kiss and touch and say sorry to each other with our mouths?
What a terrible shame.