Chapter 37
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
FINN
It takes a call to the venue’s manager to get us out of that room, but the flicker of hope doesn’t leave my chest all day.
Not even when I tell Melanie what a sadistic monster she is to accuse her future husband of cheating and make me think I need to fight him. Though the look on David’s face when I say that last part makes me think that maybe there’s a chance I could have taken him.
Hopefully, we never need to find out.
The ceremony goes off without a hitch—minus the one Mel created with us—and by the time we reach the reception, I have approximately twenty-five thousand photos on my phone of my sister walking down the aisle and approximately ten thousand of Sophia and Curtis.
Mostly Curtis. I showed restraint to not make it more than that because I’m still worried he could be a flight risk.
“We’re going for a spin,” I tell Beth, who hasn’t had a chance to leave the dance floor. Between David, Mel, Curtis, then all their friends and family, I was lucky to get my chance with the little minx.
She passes under my arm with a laugh. “I’m not going to be able to use my feet tomorrow!”
“That’s the sign of a very good night.”
A shadow passes behind her eyes. “But will I remember why?”
We’ve been so, so lucky that other than a few disorienting moments, Beth has been firmly in the moment today. Even though Melanie and David made the right choice, there was no guarantee that having the wedding early would mean she was present for it; it just increased the chances.
“We don’t need to worry about that,” I tell her gently. “It doesn’t take away from tonight.”
The smile she gives me almost looks genuine. “You’re right. I got to be here to see David get married. That’s the whole point.”
I give her a reassuring squeeze and cuddle her closer so she doesn’t see if my expression slips.
I need to get a whole lot better at keeping my emotions separate if this is the kind of conversation I’m going to be dealing with every day.
And with a bit of luck, it will be. It’s the first thing that feels right when I think about where my career is going next.
“I think someone wants to steal you away,” Beth says suddenly. She looks to our side, where Curtis is waiting, and that little hope flicker swoop takes over.
“If it comes to a fight over me, my money is on you.”
She slaps my shoulder and releases me so that Curtis can slip into the place she vacated. His face brings a rush of happiness and nerves that I don’t think I’ll ever get used to, and thankfully, dancing with him means I’m not having to stoop so much.
“Oh, hey,” I say, sounding totally cool and unaffected as his arms wind their way around my waist. Our bodies press together, and the contact is everything I’ve been needing for the last week.
Maybe longer. His eyes hold the happy sheen of someone who’s had a great day and gotten a nice buzz, and while I know that the sadness will creep back in again, I’m glad it could stay away and let him enjoy this.
“Hey, yourself.” His nose nuzzles my jaw, and I relax into his hold.
As much as I’d like to think I might be smarter this time and protect myself more, I can’t.
Curtis has his issues and his past, and while I’d be an idiot to think that his need to protect himself is magically fixed, I want to believe all the way to my bones that we can overcome it.
“I’m beat. I don’t know how Melanie and David are still going. ”
“It’s their wedding day. I can only imagine how I’ll be riding that high on mine.” And I have obviously not learned my lesson if I just said that out loud. To the guy who ran at the mere mention of the L-word.
Surprising me though, one side of his lips lifts. “You want that? To get married?”
This could very easily be one of those moments that freaks him out and makes him run again, but if we’re doing this, I’d rather he run now and not in a few years after I make a shit ton of plans for our future together.
If it’s too much for him, I’d rather know now.
“Yes. It means more than some piece of paper to me. It’s security and confirmation that if something happens, he’s my person.
It means I’m protected legally. It sucks that’s something I have to consider as a gay man, but even without all that, I think I’d want it anyway.
” I’ve always been a romantic at heart. It’s how I’m built.
“A whole day celebrating that I’ve found my person sounds fucking awesome to me. ”
He nods, and I’m scared to ask him the same, but I force myself to be confident.
“What about you?”
“I think so, yeah. It’s not something I’ve given a huge amount of conscious thought to, and big and flashy isn’t really me, but I catch myself sometimes thinking about when I get married or having a husband or whatever.
Right before I remind myself why I’ve never thought it was possible.
I have to quit self-sabotaging, I guess. ”
“That would be a good first step.”
We share a quick laugh that’s awkward but hopeful.
“I really, really am sorry, Finn.”
“You don’t need to be,” I’m quick to say, because while he wants to take the blame, it’s not all on him. “Look, you’ve always been honest with me. You’ve always told me you weren’t looking for something. Even if that changed, I should never have dumped my feelings on you like that.”
“I’m glad you did.”
“I’m not denying that I should have told you, but there was a better way to handle it than how I did.
So I get it. You’re sorry for hurting me while you took time to process, and I’m sorry for hurting you by forcing you to face things you weren’t ready to face.
” I skim my hand over his scruffy cheek. “We can both be the assholes.”
This time, his laugh is real. “You could never be an asshole.”
“I could. I was prepared to barge in on David and Sophia and cause a row.”
“A row?”
“It would have been a real spectacle.”
“If he was really cheating on her, that still wouldn’t make you an asshole.”
I loop my arms around his neck and relax into him. “One day, you’ll see how big and bad I am.”
“I hope not.” His thumb rubs circles into my side. “I sort of like being in love with the sweetest, kindest man in the room.”
Hearing him say it again almost makes me pass out. “You really mean that? I was worried you were only saying it because I said it, and if that’s the case, there’s no pressure.”
“There’s no pressure. I thought I could ignore it and that it would go away. It didn’t. So all I can do now is admit it to myself if I want a chance with you.”
“So we’re really doing this?”
His eyes soften. “As long as it’s what you want.”
“I can safely say I’ve wanted that since before I met you. And now that I have met you, I’ve confirmed what my gut feeling was telling me. You’re amazing. And you want me? How is this real?”
“Wait until you find out that I steal the bedsheets. Then your opinion of me will suffer.”
“I already know that. You did it the night I stayed over, comforting you.”
“I think that was the night I knew,” he confesses. “How I felt. It scared the fuck out of me.”
“You mean we were both lying there in love and being all angsty and introspective about it when we could have talked?”
He hums, kissing his way along my jaw. His lips leave bubbles of happiness behind. “I wasn’t ready for the conversation then. It’s hard to know if I’m even ready for it now, but I want to be.”
“That’s enough to make me stick around.”
“You were determined to stick around long before now. I’ve tried to push you away so many times, but you were always there.
Quietly fighting for this. I’ve … never had that before.
The more I think about my past relationships, the more I realize David was right.
I’d start to feel something and immediately bring up a problem that neither of us wanted to face.
Money Shot was always the easiest thing to throw in their faces, and it was all I needed. A built-in exit strategy. Until you.”
All I can take away from that is none of Curtis’s exes were his people.
Porn is only one tiny part of him and our relationship, and when you love someone the way I love him, you cherish all those tiny parts.
I’m not sure if it would be different if I were a jealous person, but I don’t think I’d even let that get in my way.
Because Curtis is worth everything.
“I love you so much,” I tell him, wanting him to know how serious—and sober—I am. “This last week has been hell, and if you need me to fight for this, then I will. If you get cold feet or feel that instinct to self-sabotage or shut down, tell me. I’ll be right here with you through it all.”
“You say it so easily.”
“What?”
“That this is going to work.”
“As long as you want it as well, there’s no other option for me.”
His hazel eyes search mine. “I think that’s why I’m not scared this time. You don’t give me any room to doubt you. It’s hard to self-sabotage when all I want is to hold on to you forever.”
I can’t help it. I lean in and press my lips to his. How one person can be responsible for this much happiness, I’ll never know, but I’m not going to question it either. My heart feels like it’s swelling, and I sink into the feeling of his kiss.
I will never get enough.