Chapter Nineteen
W ell, he couldn’t seem to romance her. As for relaxing, that wasn’t happening either. In fact he decided to do the opposite. He was going to ask Sierra to move in with him. Hell, it wasn’t like he was asking her to marry him. She obviously wasn’t ready for that but he needed something from her. Some indication of how she really felt about him. Something more than this was great sex and a good time but nothing more serious.
She came over after work, bringing pizza with her. “I’m starving,” she said. “Tell me you have beer.”
“I do. Even your favorite. That light crap you like.”
They ate, talking a little about work. When they finished and had put away the trash and cleaned up the dishes Sierra asked him if he wanted to watch a movie.
“No. I want to talk to you.”
She sat on the couch, tucking her legs up under her. “Okay, why does that sound like you want to talk about something bad?”
“It’s not bad. At least I don’t think it is.” He cleared his throat. Maybe this was a dumb idea but he was basically committed now. “I’ve been thinking about buying a house.”
“Really? When did you decide that?”
“I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.”
“That’s exciting, Connor. Do you know what you want?”
“That depends on you.” She looked puzzled. “I want you to move in with me.”
She stared at him without speaking. Finally, she said, “You want us to live together?”
“That’s the idea.”
“That’s…a big commitment.”
Not as big as getting married. But he didn’t say that. “Yeah.”
“I don’t know what to say. We haven’t been dating that long.”
Depends on what you call long. “We’ve been together for months now.”
“I haven’t thought about that. Honestly, living together hasn’t even crossed my mind. I mean, you’ve always been not big on commitment—”
“I have a rep as a player. Yeah, right. But I haven’t been since I met you. Which you should know.”
“I realize that. But I still need to think about this, Connor. It’s a big step I’m not sure I’m ready for.”
“Especially since your ex came to town, right?”
She rolled her eyes. “He has nothing to do with it. Why would you say that?”
“Because it seems like ever since he’s come to town you’ve been different.” He hadn’t sat down, instead choosing to pace the room.
“You’re the one who’s different. You’re jealous and you have no reason to be. Besides, we never talked about getting serious.”
“I told you I loved you. That’s serious in my book.”
She had no answer to that.
“Remember what you told me the night we met? You said you weren’t over your ex-husband and you’d take him back if he asked.”
“I said I might have taken him back. Besides, that was a long time ago. Before you and I got together.”
And she still wouldn’t confirm if she loved him or had any desire to have more than a casual relationship. “I can’t shake the feeling that you aren’t done with him.”
“So naturally you ask me to move in with you. You realize that makes no sense at all.”
“What makes no sense is you saying you have to think about it when it’s pretty damn obvious you’re going to say no. So I’ll save you the trouble. Forget it. Sorry I mentioned it.”
“You can’t spring something like this on me out of the blue and expect me to answer you immediately.”
“Obviously not. Like I said, forget it.”
She rose, picked up her jacket and put it on. “I’m going home before I say something I’ll regret.”
“Hey, feel free.”
She gave him a dirty look and walked out the door.
That went well.
*
Sierra and Connor didn’t see each other until they both worked a shift. It was absolutely the most uncomfortable work day Sierra thought she’d ever had. She and Connor had two pickups and didn’t say a word that wasn’t related to the cases for the entire day. On top of that she’d had a shitty night’s sleep so she felt crappy too. She was still mad at Connor. Not because he’d asked her to move in with him but because he’d been such a jerk when she hadn’t immediately said yes.
Damn it, she wasn’t ready. She cared about Connor but part of her simply wasn’t able to make that commitment right now. Why couldn’t he understand that? Why was that such a terrible thing to say?
She’d thought she and Phil were forever. It was both a shock and a huge hurt when she’d found out he’d cheated, and what’s more, he wanted a divorce.
Sierra didn’t trust Phil and she never would again. And a marriage without trust wasn’t a marriage at all. Now he had the nerve to come to Marietta and tell her he’d made a ‘mistake’ and he and his bimbo had broken up. And guess what, he seemed to think if he was nice—like he used to be—that she’d just forgive and forget.
Screw that.
Of course, none of that solved her issues with Connor. She’d thought she didn’t want a serious relationship but maybe she was just scared. It wouldn’t be surprising. What she’d been through made it hard to trust another man. Yet when she thought about losing Connor…God, she didn’t even want to think about how that made her feel. She’d been falling for him almost from the first time they met. Certainly after she’d met him again in Marietta.
It wasn’t late so she called Sam to see if she could talk. Sam was about to leave the hospital but said she’d stop by before she drove home.
Sierra opened the door to her a short while later. Sam had on her scrubs and running shoes and looked whipped. “Thanks for coming over. Can I get you a drink or something to eat?”
“Water. Thanks. I’m parched.” She sat on the couch and toed off her shoes. “My feet are killing me. I’ve been operating all day.” She drank half the glass of water Sierra gave her, set it down, and asked, “What’s going on?”
Sierra threw herself into the chair beside the couch. “I’m in trouble.”
“I’m going to need more than that,” Sam said when she didn’t continue.
“I think I’ve fallen in love with Connor.”
“But you’re not sure?”
“It’s not so much that as I’m not ready. I like him a lot. I want to be with him. But love?” She shook her head. “It scares me.”
“Is he in love with you?”
“He says he is.”
“I’m not seeing the problem.”
“Connor wants more of a commitment than I’m ready to give right now. And then there’s Phil. He isn’t going away.”
“Do you think he’s planning on staying for much longer? I mean, how can he with his job?”
“His vacation is for two weeks, and it’s been nearly that. So unless he asks for more time off he should be gone soon.”
“Do you think he’ll do that? Ask for more time, I mean?”
“I wouldn’t doubt it. I have a feeling he’s not going away until he gets the answer he wants.”
“Did you tell him he doesn’t have a chance?”
“No, because he hasn’t actually asked me to get back together. He’s hinted at it and I don’t know why he’d have come to Marietta and worse, is talking about staying if he doesn’t want to get back together.”
“Again, what’s the problem? Once he asks you, tell him to go to hell. Or tell him now. Problem solved.”
When she didn’t speak, Sam asked, “Are you falling for Phil again?”
“No. Some things can’t be put back together. My marriage to Phil is one of them.”
“Then tell Phil how you really feel. It’s obvious he came here to win you back. He doesn’t have to put it into words. His actions speak clearly.”
Sam was right. She needed to tell Phil to get lost. She didn’t want Phil. She wanted Connor, even if she wasn’t ready for the commitment he wanted.
She sighed and said, “Connor asked me to move in with him. He wants to buy a house and live together.” Sam simply looked at her. “I said I didn’t think I was ready.”
“That’s valid. You haven’t been with him that long or divorced for all that long either.”
“Ha! Connor thinks because I didn’t immediately jump into living with him it means I’m still hung up on Phil.”
“Why?”
“The first night we were together—what was supposed to be a one-night stand—I told him I wasn’t over Phil and I might even have taken him back if he’d asked. So naturally Connor thinks I’m still in love with Phil. Especially because I don’t want to move in with him yet. And because I haven’t made Phil leave yet. He thinks ‘I’m not ready’ is just an excuse.”
“Is it?”
“Not in the way he thinks it is. I’m scared, Sam. Phil and I were happy at first. It wasn’t until the last couple of years that things got bad. Even so, I was shocked he cheated on me. I didn’t see it coming.”
“And now you think Connor might do the same thing.”
“He hasn’t given me a reason to believe he’d cheat. But you know what his reputation was before me. I’m afraid to take the chance. Originally we said we were exclusive but casual. We weren’t supposed to get serious or fall in love.”
“He’s changed the rules.”
“Yes. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him. I love being with him. He’s fun and he’s sweet, and he’s thoughtful. At work he’s professional. He never crosses the line at work.”
“That all sounds good. How’s the sex?”
Sierra laughed. “Trust you to ask that. It’s great. Really great.”
“Are you in love with Connor or aren’t you? That’s what you need to figure out.”
“I—” She started to say she didn’t know. But that would be a lie. “Yes, damn it. I’m in love with him.”
“Are you still in love with Phil?”
“No.”
“So the problem isn’t Phil. The issue here is that you’re not ready to move in with Connor.”
“I guess.”
“Tell Connor. Tell him you love him but you don’t want to move in together yet.”
“What if he won’t listen to me?”
“Make him. Show him you love him even though you don’t want to live together yet.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“I never said it was. But if you love him it’s worth it.”