Chapter Twenty
“C an I see you sometime soon? I really need to talk to you.” Phil had waylaid Sierra as she was leaving the hospital. “Tonight? Or now, if you’d rather.”
“Why?” Why hadn’t he left town yet? He’d been in Marietta over two weeks and hadn’t shown any sign of leaving.
“I’d like to talk to you without Connor around.”
“Again, why? What do you have to say that Connor can’t hear?”
He sighed. “I’m leaving town soon and I need to talk to you before I do. Preferably alone, but I can do it with him there if you want. I think you’d rather not have him present, though.”
“You mean you’d rather be alone.”
Phil hadn’t said anything to her about getting back together. She’d begun to wonder if he would. Because like Sam had said, everything he’d done said he wanted her back.
“Yes, I would. It’s hard to pour my heart out to you with your boyfriend sitting beside you glaring at me like he’s one step away from pulverizing me.”
“There’s no point in ‘pouring your heart out,’ Phil. We’re divorced. We’re done. Over. Finito.”
He’d followed her to her car and now leaned against the driver’s door, blocking her access.
“Please, Sierra. I’d like to explain what happened.”
“You mean with our marriage? After all these months? I know what happened. You had an affair, at least one, possibly more. You fell in love with the other woman, asked for a divorce and got it. Now that what’s-her-name has dumped you, you figure you’ll try your luck with me. But I’m no longer the doormat you were married to.”
He actually laughed. “You were never a doormat. That’s not exactly how it happened. Please, let me explain.”
“And then you’ll go home and leave me alone?”
“If that’s what you want.”
“Fine. Let’s get it over with. You can follow me.”
As she drove to her apartment she wondered why she’s agreed to see Phil. She didn’t want to get back together with a man who’d betrayed her and broken her heart. Why hadn’t she told him to go to hell when he first came to town? But she hadn’t and if this would get him to leave town maybe Connor would believe her when she said she wasn’t ready to live with him but that had nothing to do with her ex-husband. That would probably sit better with him if the ex-husband in question had left town.
Phil was right behind her when she opened her apartment door. She walked in, tossed her keys and purse on the coffee table and hung her jacket on a peg by the door. Turning to Phil, she said, “I’m listening.”
“Can we sit down?” He took off his jacket and draped it over a chair.
She motioned to the couch and they both took a seat. She didn’t say anything. He was the one who wanted to talk.
“I still love you, Sierra. I never stopped. Tamera was a mistake.”
“Funny. You didn’t think she was a mistake until she dumped you.”
“She didn’t dump me. I broke things off with her.”
That surprised her but for whatever reason, she believed him. “Why?”
“Because I realized I was a stupid fool who’d never stopped loving you. We had some problems—mostly my fault—but instead of trying to fix them, I left.”
“You didn’t simply leave. You’re forgetting you had an affair while we were married. Was it the only one? Don’t lie to me, Phil.” Not that it made any difference but she wanted to know how long she’d been so blind. She honestly hadn’t thought Phil would cheat on her. Until he did.
“She was the only one. I’ve regretted what I did, regretted losing you every day since.”
“Bullshit. If that was true, why the long wait before you wanted to finalize the divorce? We were separated for months before you decided to end it. To end us.”
Thank God he had ended it. Otherwise she might very well have gone back to him. And been miserable because she knew she couldn’t trust him.
“I thought being with her would make me happy. For a little while it did. She was different. Young, exciting—”
“Nice. Now you’re saying I’m boring. And old. I’ve got news, Phil, I’m neither of those.”
“I know that! I’m not explaining this well.”
“Ya think?”
He grabbed her hands. She tried to pull them away but he held on. “I think it took the finality of the divorce for it to sink in how much I still loved you. When I found I was thinking of you and how it was with us more than I was thinking of her I knew I had to break up with her.”
“You know I’m involved with Connor. Do you think he’s just a rebound affair? Because he’s not. I care about him. He asked me to move in with him.” Now why had she told Phil that? To prove that someone else wanted her? And why hadn’t she said she loved Connor? Because she wasn’t certain? Or because she was scared?
Or because she hadn’t told Connor and he deserved to hear it first. She’d like to think that was the reason.
“You’re telling me you feel nothing for me. That you’ve never imagined us getting back together.”
She decided to be honest with him. “I did think about us being together. At first. When I thought I could forgive you for what you put me through. But as time went on, I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. It’s one reason I moved. I wanted a fresh start.”
“With Connor McFarland.”
“Yes.”
“You didn’t wait very long.”
True. The first time was right after the divorce was final. Even less time than you probably think.
“Sierra, even I have heard about his reputation. What makes you think he’ll be faithful to you? What makes you believe he is even now?”
“I believe he’s committed to me. My reasons are none of your business.”
“I hate to see you taken in by a player like him.”
“As opposed to a man who wasn’t a player but who cheated on me anyway?”
“Damn it, Sierra, I’ve said I was wrong and I’m sorry and that it was a terrible mistake. What else can I say or do?”
“That’s just it. I don’t think there’s anything you can do. We’re over, Phil. Accept it. Go home and get on with your life.”
*
Connor hadn’t talked to Sierra since he asked her to move in with him and she’d refused. Okay, she hadn’t actually refused but it was pretty damn clear she wasn’t planning to move in with him anytime soon. He’d gotten mad, which, while understandable, was stupid. So he was going to apologize and, he hoped, make up. Put aside his hurt feelings and act like a man.
He was on his way up the stairs to her apartment when her door opened and Phil came out. With his back to Connor, he paused in the doorway and said something Connor couldn’t hear and the next thing he knew, Sierra was hugging the son of a bitch.
What in the actual hell? He couldn’t move. The door closed and Phil turned around and saw him. Neither spoke and as Phil passed him he gave him one of those self-satisfied smirks that essentially said ‘screw you.’
He stood there awhile, trying to keep his shit together. It was a hug. Not like she was making out with the bastard. It wasn’t even a kiss… Unless it was and he just hadn’t seen it. But if he knew one thing, he knew he couldn’t go in loaded for bear. He could ask her, in a non-accusatory tone, why in the hell had she been hugging her son of a bitch ex-husband. Not in those exact words, of course. Except he wasn’t sure he could pull that off.
Yelling at her and accusing her of something she hadn’t necessarily done was a surefire way to cause a rift between them. Of course, if she had kissed her ex that was going to cause a big ass rift. Shake it off, he told himself. Just go talk to her. Remember, you were going to apologize for being an ass, so don’t ruin it by being an even bigger ass.
He finished climbing the stairs, determined to be reasonable. But when she opened the door to him all he could think was ‘She’s going back to the asshole.’
“Connor. I wasn’t expecting you.”
She didn’t look happy to see him. But she stood aside to let him in. “What’s wrong?”
“I ran into Phil on my way up here.”
“Oh. Yes, he came by to talk to me.”
“You mean he came by to ask you to take him back.”
“Yes.” She raised her chin. “And stop looking at me like I’ve committed a crime.”
“Is that what I’m doing? Or is that your guilty conscience talking?”
“I don’t have a guilty conscience.”
“You hugged him. I saw you hug him. Did you kiss him?”
She stared at him in disbelief. “I can’t believe you asked me that.”
“That’s not an answer.” So much for being cool. He had to struggle not to explode. “You’re going back to him, aren’t you.” It wasn’t a question.
“No, I’m not. And right now I don’t much like you either.”
He wanted to feel relieved. But he didn’t. Because he didn’t believe her. “Why? You’re mad at me because I’m asking you a perfectly reasonable question?”
She walked into the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of water from the refrigerator. He noticed she didn’t offer him one. After twisting off the top, she drank some water. “It isn’t reasonable. I’ve told you I don’t want to go back to Phil. I don’t know how much clearer I can be.”
“You could start by not hugging the son of a bitch.”
She stared at him with her mouth open. “You’re being ridiculous.”
Maybe so but he couldn’t seem to help it. “I didn’t come over to fight with you.”
“Guess what? You failed.”
He gritted his teeth. Unclenched them deliberately. “I came to apologize for what happened when you said you wouldn’t move in with me.”
She leaned back against the counter and glared at him. “That’s not what I said. I said I needed to think about it and that I didn’t know if I was ready to move in with you. And that pissed you off.”
“I was wrong. I should have been more understanding.”
“So naturally you come over and yell at me about Phil when I’ve told you I’m not getting back with him.”
He rubbed his hands over his face. “If I hadn’t seen him I wouldn’t have lost it.”
“You’re in luck, then. He’s leaving town. Soon.”
Thank God. But… “How do you feel about that?”
“I’ve been telling him to leave since he got here, so obviously I’m glad.”
“What about you? What are you going to do?”
“What do you think I’m doing? I’m staying right here. I’ve told you a gazillion times that I don’t want to get back together with my damn ex-husband!”
Her voice rose with her last few words. She was pissed, obviously. “Why are you so angry?”
She took a turn around the room, then faced him with her arms crossed over her chest. “I’m frustrated as hell. I’m pissed because I practically had to take a shovel to Phil’s head to make him understand. And you’re no better.”
That got him. “Me? What did I do?”
“You can’t seem to accept that I’m not in love with Phil, no matter how often I’ve told you. I’m sick of it.”
“And sick of me.”
“That’s not what I said. I’m tired of your behavior. I’m tired of explaining my feelings over and over and clearly it’s not sinking in.”
“In my defense, you told me he was leaving, and he didn’t. Why was he staying if he had no reason to think you might change your mind?”
“I don’t know why he stayed and I don’t care. The point is, he’s going. Today or tomorrow. And I’m going to work out of Redbird’s facility in Bozeman for a time.”
What the hell? “You’re quitting Marietta?”
“No, I’m taking some time away and another flight nurse will take my place. She’s going to work with you and I’ll work with whoever needs me, but I’ll be based out of Bozeman for a while. I’ll be able to commute so I won’t need to find lodging in Bozeman.”
“You can’t even work with me? Do you hate me that much?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t hate you at all. This is a temporary move. I need time, Connor. Time away from…everyone so that I can think about what’s best for me.”
Time away from him, she meant. “This is all because I got jealous of your ex-husband when you wouldn’t tell him to get lost. And because I got bent out of shape when you refused to move in with me.” And to top it off, now he’d found her hugging the man.
“No, it’s partly because you won’t listen to me. And partly because I’m not ready to be serious. We fell into this relationship so quickly that I couldn’t even catch my breath.”
“So this is it. We’re over.”
“That’s not what I said or what I want. I just need some time.”
“Fine. But don’t expect me to be waiting around like a schmuck when you finally get your head together.” He knew he was overreacting but he was so pissed he didn’t care.
“You want to date others.”
“Why shouldn’t I? If you’re going to do this then we need to break up. You date whoever you want and so will I.” But he had no desire to go out with anyone other than Sierra, damn it. And he knew it would kill him to hear about Sierra with another man.
“Is that what you want? To break up?”
“Hell, no. I’m in love with you. But you don’t feel the same. You’re changing jobs, for God’s sake.”
“Temporarily.”
“I should have known this would happen. You told me from the first you wanted a casual relationship. I think you said ‘exclusive but casual.’ I’m the dumbass who fell in love and wanted to change the rules.”
“Connor, I still care about you. I don’t want to break up. I just need some time.”
“Sorry. That’s not going to work for me.” He strode to the door and opened it. He had to leave before he completely lost it. He was hanging on to his temper by a thread.
He walked out the door without speaking again. Neither did she. Beneath the anger was the sick feeling that he’d known better than to fall in love again. It never worked out. Not for him, anyway.