Chapter Twenty-One
S he was an idiot. How had she expected that conversation to go? She’d been mad going in, frustrated that Connor wasn’t listening to her. But she hadn’t wanted to break up, even though she acknowledged that she had no right to expect Connor to hang around waiting for her to ‘take some time’ to make up her mind about what she wanted.
She wanted Connor. But because of her past, she wasn’t sure she could ever let go enough to love him like he deserved. Was she always going to be ruled by fear?
There would be plenty of women waiting to console him. The minute it got around the hospital that they’d broken up, it would also get around Marietta and then the single women would be on him like a duck on a June bug. And she’d have no one to blame but herself.
She wanted to hang on to her anger. For heaven’s sake, she had told him she wasn’t ready to get serious. But then as time went on it just…happened. Connor fell in love with her and told her while she, damn it, she fell in love with him too. But she hadn’t told him because she was too scared to commit. Too scared that their relationship might turn sour, like her relationship with Phil had.
Connor hadn’t done anything wrong. He’d been jealous but could she honestly blame him for that? No. He hadn’t tried to give her an ultimatum. He’d waited—impatiently, it was true—for her to tell Phil they were over. Then once she did she’d put him—put the two of them on hold. Which wasn’t fair to Connor and he’d gotten angry. She couldn’t blame him for getting angry, either. Even so, she still needed time to think. Time away from Connor because when she was with him she wanted him too much to be logical about the issues. Her issues.
*
Connor and Sierra had broken up two weeks ago today. He hadn’t seen her at all. He couldn’t decide if that was good or bad. He missed her. But if she didn’t want him then there was no point in trying to hang on to her. He should never have admitted he loved her, and he sure as shit shouldn’t have asked her to move in with him. Too late now.
He wasn’t working until later that day so he went to the Java Café for coffee. The glass door closed behind him and he strode to the counter to order a black coffee and a cheese Danish. The barista smiled at him with a sympathetic look before getting his order.
Taking his coffee and Danish with him, he found an out-of-the-way table and sat. He knew word had gotten out about the breakup because he’d already turned down seven women who wanted to help him get over his heartache. They were nice women. In the past he’d have gone out with them. All of them. But he couldn’t dredge up the enthusiasm. It wouldn’t be fair to go out with another woman when the only person he could think about was Sierra.
“Is this seat taken?”
For a moment he was back in Vegas, wondering how he’d gotten so lucky. Then he realized it wasn’t Sierra. He looked up to see an old friend of his smiling at him. He stood, saying, “Holly, I haven’t seen you since you got married.” Although they’d been together for a couple of years, Holly and her husband Paul had only married a few months before.
She hugged him and they both sat. “I know. I’ve been busy with the ranch. Paul and I have started a new business.”
“Oh, yeah? What’s that?”
She looked mischievous. “We’re raising pygmy goats.”
That threw him for a moment. “No kidding? For fun or profit?”
“We started out raising them for fun but now we sell them as pets.”
“Really? I never thought of a pet goat but I’ve seen some pretty funny videos of them on the internet. You sell a lot of them?”
“Surprisingly, we do. They’re a lot of fun. They make great pets. Plus they’re adorable.”
“Paul’s good with this?” Paul, a big, burly rancher, seemed like the last person to go in for pygmy goats but he suspected Holly could talk him into anything.
“He loves them. You should see him with them. It’s the cutest thing. Shocked me too.”
They chatted a bit more and then Holly laid a hand over his. “What’s wrong, Connor? I heard you’d fallen in love but you sure don’t look happy if you are.”
No reason not to tell her. “We broke up.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Want to talk about it?”
He shrugged. “Not really.” But then he started talking. He and Holly went way back, having gone to school together as kids. They’d never been romantically involved. They’d tried—just once—in high school and kissed to see if there could be more between them than friendship. They both wound up laughing and agreeing that they were much better as friends. Connor had always valued that friendship as Holly was one of the only women who knew the real Connor. Until Sierra, that is.
He told her the whole story and when he finished she shook her head. “Oh, Connor, you must really love her.”
“I do, but why do you say that?”
She smiled sympathetically and patted his hand. “Because you totally screwed up. Tell the truth. Would you have reacted the way you did with any other woman?”
He shrugged in answer.
“Jealousy, asking her to move in with you, telling her you loved her. I’ll bet my favorite goat that you’ve never said or felt any of that before.”
He couldn’t help smiling. “I don’t want your goat anyway. But yeah, so?”
“She was cheated on, dumped, and now the jerk comes to town wanting her back. Instead of being understanding, which was what she needed, you got jealous. Instead of giving her time you told her to forget it.”
“How the hell was I supposed to react? Besides, the only other woman I’ve loved fell in love with my best friend. Revisiting that feeling wasn’t high on my list.”
“Oh, I had no idea.”
“Not many people do.” His brothers knew the whole story and Ryan knew he’d been in love with her, but that was it.
“Have you told her about what happened back then?”
“No.” He sure as shit didn’t want to either. But he should tell Sierra. Maybe she’d understand where he was coming from then.
“Do you want her back? Even if she isn’t ready to commit like you want her to?”
Absolutely. “Yeah. But I don’t know what else I can do now but wait for her to change her mind. What if she doesn’t?”
“Ask her to talk to you and tell her the truth about your past. And you tell her you understand she needs time and you’ll wait as long as it takes.”
Good idea. Except he’d already told her he wasn’t waiting around. Man, he’d screwed up three ways from Sunday.
“I’d better go. I told Paul I wouldn’t be long and I’ve already been gone two hours.” She stood and so did Connor. She stepped into his arms naturally and he held her tight. “I’ll be rooting for you,” she said, and kissed his cheek.
He let her go and looked at the café door. Sierra stood in it, stock-still and clearly pissed. His entire conversation with Holly faded and all he could think was Sierra had no right to be mad, especially since they’d broken up because she ‘needed time.’
They stared at each other for at least a minute. Then he walked past her with no more than a nod, as if they barely knew each other, instead of having once been passionate lovers.
Obviously, those days were gone.
*
Why in the hell am I surprised? Sierra asked herself. He didn’t wait long to see other women but wasn’t that par for the course with Connor? It pissed her off royally that she couldn’t even blame him. They weren’t together anymore, which was mostly her fault. She knew he’d have tried to work it out if she hadn’t been so insistent that she needed time alone. Time to think.
Thinking was overrated. That’s all she’d been doing when she wasn’t working. Trying to think about what had gone wrong and what to do about it. She hadn’t wanted to break up but clearly Connor either hadn’t understood or was fed up.
Thank God that at least during working hours she could think about her patients. But the minute she had free time she could only think about Connor.
Damn it, she missed him. Missed his smile, missed his humor. Missed talking to him about medicine or movies or just about anything. And the sex. Oh, my God, the sex. She wanted his mouth on hers, his arms around her, his body next to hers, wanted to lie beside him in bed, boneless from making love.
She realized that everyone in the Java Café was looking at her with varying degrees of empathy or satisfaction, depending on who they were. She raised her chin and stalked to the counter, ordered her regular: a nonfat latte.
The barista, who Sierra had seen but didn’t know, gave her the drink and said, “I guess it’s true.”
“What’s true?”
“You and Connor are through. That’s going to make a lot of women happy.”
“Including you?”
She shook her head. “No. I have a boyfriend. But I like Connor and he seemed really happy until lately. I hate to see that.”
“So do I,” she said, and took her drink with her as she marched out the door.
It was April and still chilly but she took her coffee and sat on one of the benches outside of Sage’s Chocolates. She sat brooding until she heard a woman say, “Hi, Sierra. Did you just come from the chocolate shop? I didn’t see you in there.”
Val McFarland stood before her holding a bag from the shop.
“Hi, Val,” Sierra said, glad for some company other than her morose thoughts. “No, I haven’t made it in there yet. I just came from the coffee shop. Have a seat.”
“Thanks, I will.” She settled onto the bench beside her. “Want some chocolate? Not to be rude, but you look like you could use it.”
“I’d love some and yes, I definitely need it.” She reached in the bag Val offered and pulled out a chocolate candy.
“It’s chocolate buttercream,” Val told her. “I’ve been looking at baby stuff and then I saw the shop and it was calling me.”
“These are my favorites. Thanks.”
“They’re mine too. Delicious.” They munched in silence for a bit and then Val said, “Want to talk about it?”
Clearly it was useless to deny she was upset. Connor was Val’s brother-in-law. Maybe she could offer some insight. “At the coffee shop I saw Connor with another woman. They looked very chummy.”
“Are you wondering if he’s dating someone?”
“Yes. You probably know we broke up.”
Val nodded. “Liam told me. Plus I’ve seen Connor. He’s been out to the ranch and he looks pretty miserable.”
Sierra snorted. “He looked happy enough with this woman.”
“I’m sorry. But if you want the truth, I don’t think he’s over you.”
“I didn’t think so either, but then I saw him with that woman. For all I know he’s been dating her and a bunch of others. I told him I needed time. I didn’t want to break up, I just needed some time after my ex left town. Connor didn’t see it that way. He told me to forget it.”
“Something tells me he’s regretting it.”
“Then what’s he doing out with another woman?”
“You’ll have to ask him.”
“Assuming he’ll tell me. I didn’t realize how much I’d miss him.” She reached into Val’s bag of candy only to find there were only two left. She’d been mindlessly eating them as she talked. “Oh, my God. I’m so sorry. I ate half your candy. Let me buy you some more.”
Val laughed. “Don’t you dare. I was going to save half for when I got home but they’d never have made it that long. Which I knew even though I pretended I could resist them.”
“Still, I shouldn’t have eaten so much.”
“Do you feel any better?”
“Actually, I do.”
“Chocolate therapy works wonders,” Val said, nodding wisely. “Have you decided what you’re going to do?”
“Yes. I’m going to ask him who that woman was and if he’s dating her or she’s just a friend. And then I don’t know what I’ll do. I guess it depends on what he tells me.”
But confronting Connor wasn’t so easy. Shouldn’t she be feeling relieved instead of miserable? She didn’t. She was totally miserable and didn’t think it was going to get better as long as she and Connor were broken up. She’d been upset with Connor partly because he’d been jealous of her ex-husband. But honesty made her admit he’d had reason to be. She should have cut Phil off the minute she realized she was never going back to him. Which had been almost as soon as he got to town.
Now she was feeling the bitter pangs of jealousy. Was he close to the woman she’d seen him with? Was she an old girlfriend or simply a friend? Was he already dating other women and if he was, how did she feel about it?
Jealous as hell, that’s how.
Her talk with Val and the chocolate therapy had helped. But only for a little while. And though she’d told Val she was going to ask him about the woman he’d been with, she wasn’t sure she should.
After pulling into the parking garage at the apartments, she started to go to her apartment. Instead she found herself climbing the stairs to Connor’s place. He wouldn’t come to her, she knew. So she’d go to him. And ask him who the hell was the woman he’d been hugging. Was it fair of her to be angry at him? No. But she didn’t care. She had to know.
If he wasn’t home she’d wait for him. She still had a key to his place. They’d never gotten around to returning each other’s keys. She knocked on his door, hoping like hell that he didn’t have a woman in there with him. If he did she’d probably lose it and try to rip out the woman’s hair.
What was wrong with her? She hadn’t reacted this badly when her ex-husband had cheated on her. She’d cried, of course. And been unhappy, even angry. But she hadn’t felt almost crazy like she did now.
She banged on his door. It took him a while but he answered, wearing jeans hanging low on his hips and nothing else. “Can I come in?”
He said nothing, just stepped aside to let her in.
“Are you alone?” Oh, God, what if he had a woman here? Surely he wouldn’t have answered the door.
“What do you want, Sierra?” he asked instead of answering.
“Who was that woman you were with at the Java Café?”
He smiled. “Why are you asking?”
“I need to know. Is she a friend or something more?”
“Does it matter?”