Chapter 14 Jude
FOURTEEN
JUDE
Charlotte blinks a few times before her eyes scan my face. “Of course I said we,” she whispers. Her hands twist in front of her as if she’s trying to find a way to keep them busy. “You’re not in this alone. Not unless you want to be. If you want to handle this alone, just let me—”
I cut her off by pulling her body against mine. My arms wrap around her as I pull her in for a hug. I didn’t realize just how badly I needed a hug from her until this moment.
Her arms hang at her sides for a beat before she tentatively lifts them and wraps them around my middle. I let out a relieved sigh as I tuck her head under my chin.
I don’t know how long we stand there. It could be seconds, it could be minutes. Neither one of us moves for the longest time. Ava stays content the entire time, too entertained by trying to get her feet into her mouth to care that the bottle is taking a while.
“I don’t want to handle this alone,” I tell Char, keeping my arms tight around her, even though I know I should probably let go. “I don’t know if I even know how to handle it,” I admit, hating how weak and hoarse my voice sounds with the admission.
The reality is, I don’t know how to take care of a baby.
I don’t know the first thing about kids.
It’s new and foreign, but my biggest fear in the world now is letting down the baby girl who is depending on me to figure it out.
Ava deserves a dad who gives her everything, and in giving her everything, I have to admit to myself—and Charlotte—that I don’t think I can do this by myself. Not in the beginning, at least.
“I’m here,” Charlotte tells me, pulling me from my thoughts. Thoughts of all the different ways I can fail my daughter.
“I know it’s a lot to ask of you, and you have every right to tell me no, but I think I really need your help, Char.
” I pull away, even though every part of me wants to keep her in my arms. My hands drop to my sides, and I stuff them into my pockets before I give in to the temptation of pulling her body against mine once again.
She gives me a smile before looking over at Ava. My gaze follows hers, the two of us lost in our own thoughts for a few moments.
“I’m here, Jude. I’m not going anywhere.
” I feel her timidly place her hand against my chest. The simple touch pulls my gaze from Ava as I focus on Charlotte once again.
She smiles, as if my attention is exactly what she wants, before she opens her mouth to speak again.
“You’re stuck with me. We’re going to figure this out.
And the first thing we’re going to do is feed Ava and then run to the store and grab all the things she needs. How does that sound?”
I nod, having to swallow past the lump in my throat. I’m not normally an emotional person. My default setting is to be silly and casual. I’m not used to being run by my emotions, but now I’m being overrun with so many of them at once that I don’t even know how to handle them.
All I know is I want to be the best dad possible to Ava, and I know the first step in doing that is to accept Charlotte’s help in that.
“Char,” I say, watching her closely as she takes the lid off the can of formula.
I narrow my eyebrows when she sticks her hand in the container, but I figure out what she’s doing the moment she pulls a little scoop from inside.
“This isn’t your responsibility to take on.
I know you’ve got a lot going on in your life, and the last thing I need to do is add to your plate by asking you to help me figure out how to be a father. ”
“The milk is the perfect temperature.” She completely ignores what I’m saying by wrapping her fingers around my wrist and lifting my arm between us.
She taps the top of the bottle against the inside of my wrist. “Feel that? Not too hot, but not cold either. She should take this.” She hands the bottle to me and gives me an encouraging smile. “Time to feed her.”
I don’t know why I suddenly feel so anxious, but my heart hammers against my chest at the idea of feeding my daughter.
Charlotte bumps her hip against mine. “I’m right here with you. You can feed her. You’ve got this, Jude.”
I stare at her for a moment, wondering how I got so lucky to have a friend like her.
I haven’t even wrapped my head around having a daughter myself, yet somehow, she seems to have full confidence in me.
She doesn’t ask questions I can’t even begin to answer.
All she does is step up and help me in my time of need, and I wish my mind wasn’t spinning so I could properly thank her for it.
Charlotte takes the bottle from my hand and nods toward the living room. “How about I hold the bottle, and you grab Ava, and we’ll go to the couch together to feed her?” She keeps her voice soft and reassuring, knowing what I need from her without me having to say anything.
I nod and swallow the lump in my throat.
My pulse spikes the closer I get to Ava.
This won’t be the first time I hold her, but with Charlotte’s eyes on me, I suddenly get self-conscious about how I hold my daughter.
I have no idea if I’m doing it right, and it’s something Charlotte’s done countless times.
Is she going to judge me?
Will I hold Ava the right way?
Is there an angle I’m supposed to hold the bottle at?
Will Charlotte think I’m not qualified to raise a baby?
Ava lets out a little squeal the moment I crouch down in front of her.
“Hi, baby girl,” I whisper, unable to fight the smile on my lips when I carefully place one of my hands behind her head and the other at her back.
Ava excitedly kicks her legs as I lift her off the pillows.
She’s squirmy, making me even more anxious to lift her from the ground.
I carefully pull her to my chest, closing my eyes for a moment as I stand to my full height with her.
I don’t have to look at Charlotte to know she’s watching me carefully, and it makes me nervous.
I know she knows I’m brand-new to this, but I still don’t want her to believe I’m not cut out for being a father.
Except…am I cut out for this?
I try to push the thought from my mind as I slowly walk to the couch where Charlotte sits.
When I’m finally brave enough to meet her gaze, all I see in her eyes is encouragement.
Her lips curve up into the hint of a smile, her stare never wavering from mine as I take a seat on the couch next to her.
“She’s so cute I can’t handle it,” Charlotte mutters, easing some of the tension I feel.
I carefully adjust my position next to her before returning her smile with my own smirk.
“She gets that from me.” I wink and savor the way Charlotte rolls her eyes at me.
The last day has been one unexpected thing after another with her, and seeing her react to me the way she always has is oddly comforting.
Everything has changed, and yet nothing has changed at all. The realization causes the knot of anxiety in my chest to loosen.
Maybe I can do this…as long as I have Charlotte.
“You’ll learn this early on,” Charlotte begins, gently tickling Ava’s belly, “but your daddy isn’t humble in the slightest. He’s full of himself, and we love him anyway.”
We love him anyway. I don’t know what it is about those words, but they make me smile.
“Is it really being full of myself if it’s just the truth?”
I get another eye roll from her, and I love it.
There’s no awkwardness between us, even though we haven’t talked about what happened—or almost happened—last night.
She isn’t acting like she regrets anything from last night, but isn’t acting like anything has changed either.
Instead, she’s focused on helping me with Ava.
“So you’ll want to cradle her in the crook of your arm,” Charlotte instructs. Her fingers brush against my skin as she helps adjust Ava’s position in my arms. It feels like she’s lying too far back, but I trust Charlotte knows what she’s doing.
Charlotte’s breath tickles my cheek as she makes sure Ava’s head is supported well. I meet her gaze, unable to calm my racing heart. With her this close, all I can think about is last night.
About how it felt to press my lips against hers.
About how she looked at me in a way she’s never looked at me before.
I blink, trying to push the thoughts aside, because the last thing I need to be doing is thinking about kissing her when she’s trying to help me learn how to be a good father to another woman’s baby.
“Now you’ll just give her the milk. About halfway through, we’ll pay attention to whether she’s uncomfortable or not. If she seems like something’s bothering her, we’ll burp her in the middle of the feed. She might not need it until the end though. We’ll just have to see.”
I nod as Charlotte hands over the bottle. I shouldn’t be so nervous to feed Ava, but I am. I don’t want to mess it up.
“You’re not going to mess it up,” Charlotte says, making me wonder if she can somehow read my mind or if I said the words out loud. I look away from Ava for a moment and meet Charlotte’s reassuring stare. She smiles, and it’s just what I need. “You’ve got this,” she adds on, her smile only growing.
I swallow before looking at Ava. I tentatively bring the bottle to her lips. Her dark blue eyes stay focused on me as I place the tip of the bottle in her mouth. Before wrapping her lips around the top, her face lights up, and I swear she gives me a smile.
I smile back, wondering if what she gave me was actually a smile or if I’m just seeing things. Either way, the moment she begins to drink the milk, I let out a breath of relief.
I’m feeding my daughter.
She isn’t crying or complaining.
She’s eating.
And I swear she smiled at me.
With Charlotte’s help, it’s the first time since the moment Ava got dropped off on my doorstep that I feel like maybe I really can do this.