Chapter 16 Jude
SIXTEEN
JUDE
“What do you think of this one?” Charlotte asks in an excited tone, holding Ava in front of a stuffed animal that’s as big as Ava is.
My daughter lets out an excited squeal as she flaps her arms in front of her, trying to grab the pink teddy bear.
Charlotte’s eyes meet mine as a beaming smile overtakes her face. “I think Daddy should get you the pink bear, shouldn’t he?”
Despite how unexpected and stressful my day has been, I feel like a smile hasn’t left my face this entire shopping trip.
I might have said it countless times to Charlotte today, but I really don’t know what I’d do without her.
I’m so clueless when it comes to kids, but because of her, I feel like I can handle this.
She’s been incredibly patient with me, taking time out of her day to help me get all the necessities for Ava and never laughing at me when I show just how completely clueless I am when it comes to raising a baby.
I prop my shoulder against the shelf, focusing on Charlotte as she shows Ava the different stuffed animal options. According to Char, we should have enough to get started, so now we’re in the toy aisle, finding out what Ava is interested in.
My lips twitch with the blooming of a smile, watching Charlotte with my daughter.
She holds her against her chest with Ava facing out so she can really look at all the toys.
Ava seems to be having the time of her life looking at the different options, and the sight of her so happy with Char does something to my chest.
I’m lucky enough to have made many close friendships in my life.
I have numerous people I know who love me and support me in anything.
Eventually, I’ll tell everyone about Ava and allow them to be there for me, but right now, I’m still figuring things out.
I feel the need to have my footing better before telling everyone else about Ava.
For the moment, it feels right for only Charlotte to know.
The way she’s shown up for me today makes me realize just how lucky I am to have her.
I still haven’t processed the fact that I have a daughter and that I missed four months of her life.
Instead of bombarding me with questions or making me feel guilty about having a daughter I didn’t know about, she’s stepped in without hesitation.
I don’t know what I did to deserve a friend like her, but as I watch her playfully use the bear to pepper kisses along Ava’s cheeks, I make a promise to myself that I won’t do anything to mess up this friendship.
I can’t.
I need her.
And something tells me that Ava is going to need her too.
Whatever feelings I have for Charlotte, no matter what I wanted to happen last night, and no matter how attracted I am to her, I push it all aside.
With Ava now in my life, I’m in no position to ask for more from Charlotte.
I’ve never been known to be good at commitment or taking things seriously, but all of that has changed.
And for my daughter’s sake—and my own—I have to keep things platonic with Charlotte and not let it go any further.
I can’t lose her.
Ava can’t lose her.
It hasn’t even been a day, and she’s already made all of this easier. I don’t even want to think about what all of this would be like without her. I can’t imagine it.
“I think he needs to get you the pink bear and the puppy,” Charlotte says in a higher pitch than normal as she talks to Ava. Her words break me from my thoughts before my eyes connect with hers.
She smiles, completely unaware that I was lost in thoughts about her.
“He’s got lots of money,” Charlotte continues. “If you play your cards right, he’ll buy you anything you want.”
I smile before stepping closer to them and tapping Ava’s tiny button nose. “Anything for my baby girl.”
Charlotte bites her lip before her mouth spreads into a wide smile. “She’s going to be so spoiled, isn’t she?”
I lean closer and place a kiss to Ava’s cheek.
I didn’t think about how leaning in to Ava would also bring me closer to Charlotte.
My lips linger against my daughter’s cheek for a moment before I step back.
“Of course she’s going to be spoiled. I’ve got to make up for her somehow being stuck with a dad like me. ”
Charlotte’s lips turn into the smallest frown as her blue eyes scan my face. “She’s not stuck with you. She’s lucky to have you.”
I lift a shoulder before grabbing the teddy bear and the stuffed dog and tossing them into the cart.
It’s our third cart; the other two sit at the front of the store, ready to be rung up whenever we’re done.
I’m hoping I have everything I’ll need for Ava.
I don’t want to mess this up, and buying as much as possible makes me feel slightly prepared to take on my new role as a dad.
Truth be told, I don’t know if Ava is lucky to have me or not.
I hope one day she’ll think so. I’m going to do my best to make that a reality for her.
Charlotte takes a step closer to me, and my heart soars when Ava reaches her arms out, making it seem like she wants to be handed over to me.
I outstretch my arms and take my daughter, everything in the world feeling right the moment she’s in my hold again.
I expect Charlotte to take a step back after handing her over, but she doesn’t.
She stands close to me, her eyes pinned on me in the middle of the toy aisle.
Ava squirms in my arms, but I can’t look away from Charlotte’s earnest blue stare.
“Ava is lucky to have you.” She keeps her voice strong, and something about it makes me believe that she might actually mean what she’s saying.
“Ava hasn’t known me a day. I still have plenty of time to fuck this up.”
“You’re trying. That’s all that matters. She’s lucky to have you, Jude. I believe it. I know she’ll believe it. And I hope someday soon, you’ll believe that too.”
I look at the ground because I can’t stare into her eyes for another second.
Not without showing emotions I don’t want her to see.
It’s been such a whirlwind of a day that I haven’t even been able to really process what all of this means and what all is going to change.
It also means that I haven’t had time to let the doubt creep in too much, although I know it’s only a matter of time until it does.
I don’t know when—or if—I’ll ever feel confident about raising Ava, but Charlotte has a point… I’m trying my best.
And my best is all I can do.
I look at my daughter before running a hand over her small head. She watches me closely, looking completely content and not at all scared about the fact that she’s been placed in my care.
I hear the sound of some more items being placed in the cart, but I don’t break the moment with Ava. I can’t. My baby girl stares up at me like I’m the only thing that matters in this world, and I have to swallow a lump of emotion as a realization hits me.
I’m truly all she has, and I’m going to make damn sure that’s enough for her.
When I look up, I find Charlotte watching us with her hands clasped next to her cheek and a warm smile on her lips. “Ready to check out?” she asks, keeping her voice soft.
I nod. I don’t even remember everything we’ve thrown into the cart since we got here, and I know I don’t know how to use half the things Charlotte insisted we needed, but I feel better now that we’ve gone shopping.
It feels good to have more than just the duffel bag full of clothes she was dropped off with.
“Let’s go buy all your new things, baby girl,” I tell Ava, leaning in to press my lips to her temple and following Charlotte and the cart to the checkout counter.