Chapter 18 Jude
EIGHTEEN
JUDE
“I don’t know how I’m going to get any sleep tonight,” I tell Charlotte as we both stand at my kitchen island. I work on pouring us both a glass of wine, even though a drink is the last thing I want right now. It was just the only thing I could think of to get her to stay a little longer.
I don’t want her to leave. I don’t want to be left alone with Ava tonight, but I don’t have the right to ask Charlotte to stay. Ava isn’t her responsibility; she’s mine. And Charlotte’s already helped so much. I can’t ask more of her.
I just don’t want her to go. And not because I don’t feel like I can do this alone.
It hasn’t even been a day, but she’s helped me feel confident about taking care of Ava.
I think I can do it on my own. I just don’t want to.
Her presence has been calming, and I’m not looking forward to the absence of that feeling.
“It seems like you might be lucky and Ava’s a good sleeper.
Maybe you will get some sleep,” Charlotte offers, taking the glass of wine from me.
She doesn’t take a drink, just holds the glass to her lips.
I’d been so lost in thought about how I don’t want Charlotte to go home that I forgot I even said anything about Ava’s sleeping.
“Maybe.” I pour my glass of wine but don’t take a drink either. “But even if she sleeps all night, I don’t know if I’ll be able to. What if something happens to her while I’m asleep?”
Charlotte smiles, and I try to ignore how the sight of the beautiful upturn of her mouth immediately calms me. “She’ll be okay.” She keeps her voice soft and encouraging. “But I understand the worry. It’s cute, seeing you being a concerned dad.”
I raise my eyebrows. “Did you just call me cute?”
She rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “You know you’re cute.”
“That doesn’t mean I don’t like hearing you say it.” The words come out before I can think better of them.
I wince, knowing I shouldn’t have said that, but not regretting it either.
I don’t know if I can regret anything when it comes to Charlotte.
Because of Ava, things are far more complicated than they were last night, but that doesn’t mean I feel any differently today than I did then.
It just means I can’t act on the attraction I have for her.
“I should go,” Charlotte interrupts my thoughts. She places her glass on the counter; I don’t think she took a single sip.
My jaw flexes as I try to keep myself from asking her not to go. I pull my gaze from hers, looking at the monitor for a moment to give myself time to think of a way to convince her to stay.
Ava still hasn’t moved. She sleeps peacefully, completely unaware that she’s no longer on Charlotte’s chest and is instead in her own bed.
The events from today run through my mind.
It still hasn’t quite hit me that I’m a dad and I’m now the only person responsible for Ava.
I know there are countless things I’ll need to do to make sure Ava can’t ever be taken from me, but right now, the only thing I can think of is asking Charlotte to be here with me, not only for my sake but for Ava’s too.
“Let me know if you need anything tonight,” Charlotte says, breaking me from my thoughts again. “I’ll keep my phone close in case you call.”
I swallow, pinning my gaze on her. I know I have no right, but asking her to stay is on the tip of my tongue.
Everything with Ava is uncharted territory.
I don’t know what the rules are, but I know I really need my friend right now.
All I want to do is ask her to stay with us; I’m just terrified of how she’ll respond.
She’s got her own problems. It’s unfair of me to ask this of her when she’s still dealing with the fact that she just got kicked out of her place for the summer.
She hasn’t mentioned it once, and with everything that’s happened today, I completely forgot why she even showed up on my doorstep last night in the first place.
“Stay with me this summer,” I blurt, the proposal I made to her last night falling from my lips before I can think better of it.
Charlotte’s blue eyes get wide. She shakes her head, acting like the question is ridiculous. “Jude, I told you this last night. I’m not staying with you for the summer. I’ll ask Lucy and Cal. I just haven’t gotten the chance yet.”
“I need you,” I confess. I run a hand through my hair as my eyes scan her face.
She looks back at me with an unreadable expression.
I sigh, knowing I shouldn’t be doing this but continuing anyway.
“I don’t know a thing about taking care of a baby.
I’m learning, but if today taught me anything, it’s that I need some guidance.
And I figured…since you need a place to stay, maybe we can work something out to help each other. ”
My heart slams against my chest as she thinks through my words.
She chews on her lip for a moment, still giving no indication about what’s running through her head.
I haven’t thought through the details yet, but I don’t think my idea is terrible.
I have plenty of space in this house for her.
It’s nicer and closer to work for her than the place she was renting anyway. It might actually work.
“You won’t have to pay a thing,” I hurriedly say, using her silence to my advantage.
“You’ll be closer to Pembroke, and you can have whatever room you want.
I promise not to bother you or make you watch Ava—that’s not why I’m asking,” I add, realizing she might think I’m asking her to move in to take care of Ava, which isn’t the case.
I just want to know she’s here, and I try not to think too deeply about what that means or everything that could go wrong by wanting that.
“I’ll find a nanny for when I need to work or figure something out.
” I give her a grin as my mind goes in countless different directions with everything I still need to get sorted out.
“To be honest, I haven’t had the chance to think about what I’ll do when I have to work or childcare or anything, really, but I’ll figure it out. ”
“You don’t need me here interrupting your time with Ava.”
“That’s the thing, Char. I want you here with us. Not because I expect you to do anything. I fully understand she isn’t your responsibility. I just…I don’t know, it feels like perfect timing that this stuff with Ava happened right when you need a place to stay.”
Charlotte stares at me. I wish I could get into her mind and figure out what she’s thinking. Now that I’ve asked, I’m desperate for her to say yes. It seems like the most logical solution for her to stay here instead of anywhere else.
“You have so much going on right now. All of this with Ava is so new. I promise I can find somewhere else to live. You don’t have to take me in.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose as I think about how to convey to her that I want her here without making it seem like I expect her to help with Ava. I can do everything with Ava on my own, but knowing she’s here just in case is enough to help put my mind at ease.
“I’m not asking you because I feel like I have to.
I want you here. I think it makes sense.
” I give her what I hope is a convincing smile.
After what happened last night, it might not be the best idea to ask her to live here, but I can’t find the will to care about that right now.
I’ve put up my own mental boundaries when it comes to her.
I plan on sticking to those boundaries. I know I need to keep her as a friend and not let my attraction get in the way.
I believe I can do that. I just want her here with us for the summer. Nothing more.
I run my fingers through my hair and take a step closer to her. There’s still a safe distance between us, but I want to make sure she can see me clearly with my next words. “Just say yes, Char.”