Chapter 33
THIRTY-THREE
JUDE
I blink a few times, wondering if it’s actually Charlotte standing in my office doorway or not. I don’t know if she’s really there or if it’s just a dream. She stares at her feet, her shoulder resting against the doorframe as she seems to be deep in thought.
I use the opportunity to just look at her.
I’m still in that in-between state of being asleep and waking up, and I’m not confident she’s actually there.
It’d make sense if I were just imagining things.
If I’m not thinking about Ava, I’m thinking about Charlotte.
It’s impossible not to constantly think about her.
Her never leaving my mind has bled into me dreaming about her as well.
Maybe this is just another dream. No matter if it’s real or fake, I allow myself to really look at her for a few seconds without being caught.
She wears her Pembroke uniform…the dreaded uniform.
The one that taunts me every morning when she goes into work and every evening when she gets back.
The hem of it always dances along her upper thigh, making me think about what it’d be like to push the fabric up her skin to reveal more of her to me.
I hate the thought of her wearing it all day at work, but I keep my jealousy to myself.
She doesn’t need to know the envy that boils deep in my gut when I think about her wearing that short skirt all day on the course, around the other members.
I don’t want her to wear a skirt for anyone but me, and the daydreams I’ve had about her wearing nothing but that pleated skirt for me are happening far too often.
Charlotte pulls her gaze from her feet, and the moment our stares collide, I can’t help but smile.
I don’t know how to explain it, but life just always feels a little better when Charlotte looks at me.
Maybe it’s because it feels like she sees a version of me others don’t, or maybe it’s because no matter how hard I try to fight it, I’m developing feelings for her.
Either way, I let the feeling in for a moment instead of trying to stifle it the way I always do.
She rubs her lips together before a slow smile spreads across her mouth.
Those lips.
The ones I’m desperate to kiss again.
I want her to smile at me just like she is right now, but instead of seeing it, I want to feel it against my own lips.
I want so many things when it comes to her.
“Did I wake you up?” she asks, keeping her voice quiet.
I shake my head. The movement makes my glasses shift on my face, reminding me that I was even wearing them at all. “No, you didn’t. You just get home?”
Charlotte nods and takes a step into my office. “Yeah. It was so quiet, and I couldn’t find you. Didn’t expect to find you fast asleep at your desk with Ava in tow.”
A small rumble of a laugh leaves my chest as I look down at Ava.
Charlotte’s been working hard at getting Ava on a sleep schedule, and she’s supposed to sleep in her crib, but she wasn’t having it today.
“I promise I tried putting her in her bed. She kept screaming instead of sleeping, and I needed to get some work done, so I let her sleep on me instead.”
Charlotte tilts her head to the side. “Which led to you sleeping too?”
I shrug. “I was trying to at least catch up on my emails, but apparently, my lack of sleep caught up to me, and the emails finished the job.”
“Speaking of you working, I had an idea while at work today, and I want you to listen to it before you tell me no.” She steps farther into my office before leaning against the edge of my desk.
I smile, unable to resist messing with her. “No.”
Charlotte’s mouth falls open. “I told you to listen before you told me no.” She keeps her voice barely above a whisper, but even so, I can tell that she isn’t amused by me immediately saying no.
My smile grows. “If you’re telling me to listen before saying no, then I already know I’m not going to like whatever you’re about to say.”
She purses her lips and narrows her eyes. “Jude, you’re going to listen to the one thing—no, actually, two things—I have to say before saying no.” With every word she says, she leans in closer as she continues to scold me.
God, I love messing with her. I resist the urge to point out the truth: with her this close to me, I think I’d agree to anything.
“I’ll listen, but I bet the answer is still going to be no,” I finally get out.
I try to ignore the way in which my heart races at our close proximity.
Yet again, I’m thankful for my infant daughter being between us so I don’t do anything I shouldn’t.
Charlotte pouts for a minute before leaning back slightly. She tosses her hair over her shoulder. “So, I’ve been thinking…”
I adjust my position in my office chair, my hands resting against Ava’s back as I make sure she stays snug against my chest with the movement. “I’m nervous,” I admit with a laugh.
“I know you said you were going to look into a nanny for Ava, but you haven’t, and what you’re doing now isn’t working. You need to be able to work without worrying about Ava as well.”
I frown because I wasn’t expecting her to lecture me on this.
I meant it when I said I’d look for a nanny; I’ve just been putting it off.
I’ve only been in Ava’s life for almost a month.
It feels wrong to hand her off to some stranger while I work.
I don’t know how people find childcare, but I’m just not ready to leave her with anyone but me or Charlotte.
“Char.” Her name comes out more as a warning than I was expecting it to. I quietly clear my throat in an attempt to make my next words softer. “I promise I’m handling it. I can watch her and get my work done too. I don’t need a nanny.”
Charlotte nods in understanding. Her gaze rakes over my face for a moment before she opens her mouth to speak.
“I understand you’re not ready to hire a nanny yet, and to be honest, I can’t imagine just leaving Ava girl with someone random anyway, but you still help run an entire company, Jude. You need help.”
“I don’t need help. I’ve got it.” I try to lace as much conviction as I can into my words, hoping that gets her to believe me.
“You do need help. Most weeks, I only work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Let me watch Ava at least a few weekdays while you work.”
“No.”
She lets out an adorable little huff. “What did I say about saying no?”
“I listened to your idea and then said no. I’m not making you watch my daughter for me so I can work on your days off. You work long days all weekend and deserve your days off.”
“I spend them with you and Ava anyway.”
I grind my teeth together as I think of how to respond. She has a point. She typically spends her days off with us, but I’ve tried telling her not to. I don’t want her to feel like she’s responsible for Ava. It isn’t her job to watch her. “You’re not using your days off to watch Ava.”
“Yes, I am.”
“No, you aren’t.”
“Are we going to keep arguing about this, or will you just listen to me?”
I open my mouth to respond, but she lifts her hands to stop me.
“No. I don’t want to hear that Ava isn’t my responsibility and that you didn’t have me move in with you so I could watch Ava. I want to watch Ava, and you’re not going to stop me.”
My jaw flexes, and I try to think of another reason to tell her no. I just don’t want to feel like a burden to her or for her to feel like she has to fix things for me. “Char, you deserve days off.”
“Let me worry about that. I’m perfectly fine spending my days off with Ava. We’ll have girls’ day while you work, because what you’re doing now isn’t sustainable, Jude. Accept the help, and just say thank you.”
I don’t know why I do it. It happens so fast that I can’t even think better of it.
One moment, my hand is pressed against Ava’s back, and the next, it’s reaching out and taking Charlotte’s hand in mine.
“Thank you.” The words come out a bit hoarse.
“I’m not taking all your days off, but maybe this week, we’ll start with you watching her for two days and then go from there. ”
“Okay,” she responds, her voice barely above a whisper. Her gaze darts to where my hand still sits on top of hers. I hadn’t even realized my thumb was brushing over her skin until I follow her gaze and find our hands still entwined.
“But you have to promise if it feels like too much, or if Ava starts to feel like she’s a burden, that you’ll tell me.
” My words come out hurried because it’s one thing to worry in my head about Ava ever feeling like a burden for Charlotte, but it’s another thing to say it out loud.
I just don’t want Charlotte to feel like things with Ava and me are too much to handle.
I don’t want to give her any reason to leave. And that includes asking too much of her, especially when it comes to my daughter.
Charlotte’s head rears back slightly. “Ava could never feel like a burden to me.” Her words come out a little louder than they have been, but it doesn’t wake Ava. She stays fast asleep on my chest, completely unaware of her surroundings.
“You say that now, but what happens when you’re tired and you just want a day off, but instead, you’re having to watch a baby who isn’t yours?”
She winces but recovers quickly. Her smile is soft as she looks from our joined hands to me.
“I know myself well enough to know that I won’t feel that way.
I wouldn’t be offering to help if I thought I couldn’t handle it or if I didn’t want to.
I know Ava isn’t mine, but I still care about her—and you—so please let me help. ”
It’s silent as the two of us stare at one another.
I’d give anything to get in her head to find out what she’s thinking.
She hasn’t pulled her hand from mine, and I’m dying to know if feeling my skin against hers is driving her as wild as it’s driving me.
It feels like a million different things go through my head.
I want to tell her that I’m getting far too used to her being in our lives.
I want her here forever, and I’ve never wanted someone the way I want her, and that’s terrifying.
She woke up one day and decided she was going to move to the Hamptons.
She left her entire family and everything she’s ever known to come out here.
I respect the hell out of her for it. She had a dream of moving to the Hamptons and chased it, no matter who she had to leave behind and miss to achieve it.
But now, with my feelings growing deeper for her with every day that passes by, I can’t help but be scared about what happens if she wakes up one day and decides to leave.
Nothing ties her here to the Hamptons…to us.
What if she decides she’d rather do photography somewhere else?
She could leave at any moment, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Because of that, it’s scary to lean on her, especially with how deep the feelings I’m developing for her are.
“You’re not arguing, which I can only assume means you’re going to let me help you.”
My cheeks twitch with the hint of a blooming smile. “It’s as if you know me so well.”
This makes Charlotte smile—a real one. Her fingers move underneath mine, but she still doesn’t make an effort to move, so neither do I. I soak in the connection of our skin for as long as I can, even if it is just a hand hold.
“Well, perfect. While you’re staying silent, it’s time for you to hear the second thing I have to say. The same rules as before apply. No talking or saying no until I finish.”
My grip on her hand tightens as I keep my gaze locked on her. “Lay it on me.”
The way she bites her lip and pauses before speaking up tells me that I might like this idea even less.