Chapter 35
THIRTY-FIVE
JUDE
I swore I was only going to answer a couple of emails before taking Ava from Charlotte and allowing her to actually have a break after getting off work, but when I stepped out of my office and made my way down the hallway to the living room, Charlotte had Ava laughing so hard that I didn’t want to disturb them.
For a few minutes, I stood there and watched them. My heart ached, seeing them together. It’s clear how much she loves Ava, and seeing her interact with my daughter makes me feel things I shouldn’t. A few weeks ago, I felt so much guilt that Ava wouldn’t have a mother in her life.
Now, that feeling is forgotten. For Ava’s sake, I wish her mother had wanted to be involved, but I know it’s for the best that she’ll have no memory of the mother who didn’t want to be in her life.
Ava is still a very lucky little girl because she has Charlotte.
I can’t even be jealous that Char is getting belly laughs out of Ava—far louder than I’ve been able to—because it’s just so sweet to watch the two of them together.
Instead of interrupting their time together, I backed away and dove into more work. I hadn’t even realized a couple of hours had gone by until I looked out my office window and saw the sun setting.
I pull my glasses from my face and sit back in my office chair.
I let out a loud sigh as I think about the plan Charlotte came up with earlier.
Tomorrow, I’ll be leaving Ava alone with her while I leave the house, and I know I should feel nervous about it—and I do—but not because I don’t trust Charlotte.
I just haven’t really left Ava alone fully yet.
Charlotte’s watched her for me, but I’ve always been around.
Tomorrow will be different, and while there are nerves that come with that, I am excited to get back to Pembroke.
I’m ready to tell more people about Ava.
Because of Charlotte—and finally telling people, like my parents and Cal—I’m realizing it’s okay if I don’t give every detail of how Ava came to be mine to others.
All they need to know is that she’s my daughter and that I’m excited for the rest of the world to meet her.
Eventually, I’ll have to explain it to the bigger social scene of Manhattan, but for now, I can dip my toes in by just telling those at Pembroke.
And then there’s the party on Friday with Charlotte.
I called it a date as a test, to see if maybe things are changing for her the way they are for me. Her reaction made it feel like maybe it is, but I’m still too nervous to ask that outright.
The reality is that I want Charlotte. I want her in any way she’ll give me, and it’s getting harder to accept her as just a friend.
There are so many reasons why she and I should never cross the boundary we set between us, but the more time that passes, the more it feels like maybe I’ve had it wrong since Ava came into my life.
I drew a line between us because I thought it was the right thing to do.
Now, lying to her—and myself—about how my feelings for her have grown deeper doesn’t feel right at all. It feels wrong.
I pinch the bridge of my nose as I try to think through the last few weeks. It’s felt like a whirlwind, and I haven’t even had time to process it all. I’ve been so busy—and rarely alone—that I’ve been able to push a lot of things to the back of my mind.
Now, they won’t stay silent any longer.
Sitting alone in my office, I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I were honest with Charlotte. I have no idea what my life will look like with Ava, and I’m terrified about what Charlotte sees as her future, but I’m also trying to live in the present. I want to live in the right now.
And right now, I want to tell Charlotte the last thing I want to be is her friend. I want to see if we could be more, and I don’t want to keep trying to prevent that from happening. I just don’t know if that’s what she wants, and I don’t know if I have the nerve to ask.
It’s unknown territory for me.
Women typically come to me. Their feelings for more are obvious. They chase me, and that’s all I’ve ever known. It works. I smile at them, and they eat out of the palm of my hand.
Until Charlotte.
She brushed me off from the moment we met. It didn’t used to bother me. It was still fun.
Now, if she told me that she isn’t feeling the same way I am, it’d crush me. I wouldn’t be able to brush it off and pretend that it’s fine. She’s the first woman to ever have the power to hurt me, and I don’t know how to handle that.
“I didn’t know if you wanted to do her bedtime routine or if you wanted me to.” Charlotte’s soft voice pulls me from my thoughts.
I try not to jump. I was so locked into thinking of her that I didn’t even realize she walked in holding Ava.
I immediately stand up and take my daughter from her. Ava melts against me instantly, and the tightness in my chest I felt while thinking about Charlotte disappears. “I can put her to bed. Go take a break. I’m sorry I got lost in work. I didn’t mean to make you watch her that long.”
Charlotte smiles. She stands close to me, close enough that she can reach out and run a hand over Ava’s hair.
“It’s fine. You needed to work, and us girls had a good time together.
I am going to finally get out of my work clothes, and I told my sister Carly I’d call her tonight while she’s at home visiting Mom and Dad, so I’ll probably go do all that if you’re fine with Ava. ”
“Of course. I’m sorry again that I took so long.”
Charlotte looks up at me through her long eyelashes and gives me that soft smile that I dream about at night.
“Don’t be sorry.” She leans in and presses a kiss against Ava’s head, and I can’t help but wish that she were kissing me instead.
“Good night, Ava girl. Let’s try and get some good sleep tonight… what do you think?”
I laugh. “We’ll see. If her refusal to nap anywhere but on me earlier is any indication, we might be taking a drive tonight. What secrets do you have for me?”
It’s Charlotte’s turn to laugh. “I don’t have any good secrets tonight, so let’s hope Ava sleeps.”
Before I can respond, she leaves my office, which is probably a good thing because I was about to tell her that I have a big enough secret for the both of us. I want her, and if I knew she wanted me too, I’d say fuck the rules and boundaries we’ve put between us.
I watch the doorway for a few moments, wondering if for some reason Charlotte will appear in it again. When she doesn’t, I look down at my daughter. Her eyebrows are red, and instead of her eyes being wide open, her lids are heavy.
“You tired, baby girl?” I lean in to kiss her, and I catch a whiff of the familiar scent of her baby soap mixed with the specific smell of Charlotte.
I inhale again, my eyes closing for a moment.
It isn’t lost on me how much comfort I find in not only the smell of my daughter but of Charlotte as well.
She always smells like vanilla mixed with something else…
maybe cherry. Whatever it is, the scent is intoxicating.
It’s been weeks of being taunted by so many things when it comes to her, her smell being one of them.
I have to push the feeling away of how much I love the vanilla and cherry scent that I now associate with her.
Not only that, but the smell now brings me comfort, something I’m trying to ignore.
I shake my head, ridding my mind of thoughts of her as I make the mental note to thank her for already giving Ava a bath. All there’s left to do is give Ava a bottle and rock her to sleep—two of my favorite things to do with my daughter.
I use my free hand to close my laptop lid and leave my office.
I actually feel really good about how much work I was able to get done today.
For the first time in a long time, I think I’ll be able to go to bed without feeling guilty about all the things I left for my assistant to do.
I know eventually I’ll have to find a better childcare situation than asking Charlotte to step in, but for now, I think it’ll work.
I walk to my room and fight the urge to stop at Charlotte’s door on the way.
She’s done enough for me today, I need to leave her alone, but even though I just saw her, I still miss her.
We live in the same house, and I still find myself missing her when she’s not around.
It’s a foreign feeling, but one I’m tired of fighting.
Ava lets out a little coo, as if she’s excited about being near Charlotte too. I can’t help but smile. It seems like I’m not the only one who Charlotte has wrapped around her finger; she’s got my daughter obsessed with her too.
“I know,” I tell my daughter. “I want to see her too, baby girl. But you’ve got to go to bed, and I’ve got to leave her alone.” I walk by Charlotte’s door without stopping. Once Ava’s milk is made, I go right to my room without even glimpsing in the direction of Charlotte’s room.
The entire time I feed my daughter and rock her to sleep, I can’t help but let my mind replay every moment between Charlotte and me over the last few weeks.
I think about every interaction, trying to figure out if all of this is one-sided or in my head, or if there’s a chance she’s feeling the same way I am.
I let my head fall against the rocking chair in the corner of my room as I rock back and forth.
“What do you think? Do I tell her how I feel, or do I keep pretending not to like her?” I ask Ava as if she can actually respond.
It’s quiet, so quiet that I look down and find that she’s popped off the bottle and has fallen fast asleep.
“So you’re leaving me to decide that by myself?” I mutter. “You’re supposed to tell me what to do here because this is new territory for me, and I don’t know what to do.”
Ava stays fast asleep, and I stay in the chair, thinking about all the things that could go wrong if I confess my feelings to Charlotte.