Chapter 35 - Davis
DAVIS
Dealing with emotions that seemed too big for my chest wasn’t a new sensation for me. When Timothy was in his accident, I felt like my heart would combust completely. It rammed against my chest as though it wanted to burst through it. It felt the same now—except different.
The wound in my heart wasn’t the same. Because I had given this stupid fucking thing over to Rae, and now I wasn’t sure what the fuck to do because it wasn’t as though she gave it back.
It was as though she had just uncovered that she’d had it the entire time, carefully holding it, waiting for me to realize that it was in her hands.
Protected.
Cared for.
Maybe that was why it was so easy for me to love her…maybe because she’d loved me first for so long.
Fuck.
Didn’t matter, she had lied.
There was no hope for a relationship of any kind, not on the level I was hoping for, where she fucking lived with me—not when she couldn’t even find it in herself to be honest.
This was shit she should have told me when we first met.
Although…
“Hey, dumbass,” Gavin yelled over my head, walking out onto the patio. “You weren’t answering your phone, so I just came over, hope that’s okay.”
Misplaced rage simmered under my skin, making it pop.
“No, it’s not fucking okay. What if Rae had been here?
You can’t just walk in. She lives here now.
” The words felt like dust in my mouth, making something strange happen in my chest. It felt as though something had gotten caught there and wouldn’t budge unless I let some of these fucking tears free.
“Sorry, man…you’re right, I wasn’t thinking,” Gavin said remorsefully. “Is she here? I just mean, I didn’t see a car out front.”
That made the burning in my chest worse. “She usually parks in the garage, unless she gets in late and she doesn’t want to walk that far in the dark.”
I was rambling, like an idiot. I knew I was, but I couldn’t seem to stop.
“She doesn’t even know that I bought her a new car. It’s a Jeep, with heavy tread—thirty-fives, a roll cage, and enough protection in the snow that even if she fell down a cliff, I’m pretty sure she’d be okay.”
Gavin shifted on the lounger, his brows dipping to the center of his forehead, but he didn’t say anything.
“I was going to surprise her for Christmas. I had this whole plan,” I laughed, rubbing at my chest absently. “We’d drive it to go pick out a Christmas tree, and while we were out, I was going to ask her to marry me…”
“Fuck, man,” Gavin finally said, with a slight crack in his voice.
I realized then that the tears I was holding in had been forced out, and my best and only friend was sitting here witnessing me fall the fuck apart.
“Shit.” I swiped at my face. “Doesn’t matter anymore…she’s gone.”
Gavin seemed to hesitate, adjusting in the lounger again. “What…uh—what happened?”
Groaning, I shoved my hands into my hair and leaned my head back. “Found out she was the girl…the one that used to follow me…the one in the library.”
A few seconds passed before he finally exhaled heavily. “Holy fuck.”
“Yeah, just found out last night.”
“Did she confess to stalking you in the library?”
Shaking my head, I tried to gather the small pieces of that night into order. “She said she was given a handwritten note from this piece of shit that works at her dad’s diner. I don’t know the whole story because…”
The words died on my tongue because I wasn’t sure how to explain that I hadn’t given her a chance to talk…to tell me everything. I hadn’t given her a chance for anything. I just told her to fuck off and called her pathetic.
More pain pierced my chest, making me nearly double over.
“You okay, man?”
My chest burned, my head pounded, and I felt like I was going to be sick.
“No…I…fuck, she’s gone. She’s not coming back…”
Because when I hurt people, they never did.
Gavin moved closer, putting a firm hand on my shoulder. “Man, you’re falling the fuck apart. I’m confused. If you want her, even after the past, and all the stalker shit, then just tell her that.”
“I can’t.” I barely got the words out.
“Why, what the hell happened?”
I crushed her, again…just like before. I completely crushed her and made her feel stupid for something she couldn’t control.
I shamed her for liking me. I made it seem like I would have never chosen her compared to the one-night stands I had selected.
The women who I never called again…the ones who could never compare to her.
What the fuck had I done?
I knew there wasn’t much I could do in terms of damage control.
I had said what I said, in a moment of rage, and ruined the best thing I ever had.
I knew there was no coming back from what I had said, and how I made her feel, but I couldn’t just sit at home.
I had to do something with this anger simmering under my skin.
I hadn’t slept the night prior. Just drank, looking at photos on my phone of Rae.
Her smile was so wide in each and every picture.
She was happy, and I looked…fuck, I looked healthy.
Whole. The most complete I ever felt in my entire life.
And in one moment of fury and pride, I just let it all go.
So, I was after the one person I could take some of this anger out on.
I waited until I knew for sure that Roger and Millie had gone home and watched as more and more employees left through the back. Once I was sure Carl was alone, I slipped inside, but immediately realized I wasn’t the only one who'd had the idea to confront the bastard.
Thankfully I was still in the darkened space of the small hallway when Rae burst through the back door, stomping to the kitchen. Even seeing her like this, anger radiating from her in waves, made me want to reach out and touch her.
“Carl!” she yelled, her boots clicking on the floor as she caught him by surprise. I carefully moved where I could watch and stay hidden.
“String bea—”
Her hand flew up. “Don’t!”
Carl’s bushy eyebrows caved as his posture deflated. Fucker probably knew what was coming. The whole town was already gossiping about our breakup; wouldn’t take much to connect the dots.
“How could you?” she rasped, her fists clenched tight at her sides. “How could you give me that note? How could you crush me that way?”
Carl’s head lowered, his hands slowly sinking to the counters.
Rae continued on. “You, of all people, knew how much I loved him. You knew how badly it would hurt me to see him there, especially after thinking he finally saw me!” She was shaking, her voice trembling, and fuck, it felt like her words had grown talons and were suddenly tearing at my chest.
I had an idea of how she had felt for me.
Obviously back then I had chalked it up to teenage obsession.
I thought she’d outgrow it, but I had no idea why she’d been in that library.
Truthfully, she likely would have outgrown her crush once she matured, but Carl forced the pain, so it stuck with her forever.
“I just wanted you to be over him. You were finally old enough to actually be interested in him, and it—” Carl hesitated. “It scared me.”
“Why?” Rae yelled, slamming her hand down on the counter. “Why did it scare you, and how the fuck did you even know he’d be there with…” She trailed off, her voice shaking.
If I had walked in on Rae fucking someone else, it would kill me.
Straight up remove my ability to breathe and exist, and if I had to replay that image for any length of time…
Jesus, I had no idea she’d been carrying that for so long, but it finally made sense why she hated me so much when she met me for what I had assumed was the first time.
Carl shook his head. “At the time, I was dating Pam. She was the librarian. A few days leading up to that night, she’d let it slip that she’d be off early because Davis would be there working late.
Then she’d dropped that she hoped he didn’t meet up with anyone because he’d apparently done it before.
The boy had built a bit of a reputation for having company while working late on city projects.
Honestly, I just took a shot that he wouldn’t be alone. ”
Rae shifted on her feet, her arms now crossed over her chest.
“So, there was a fifty-fifty chance that I’d go, and he would have been alone?”
What would have happened if I had been?
Nothing. Back then, she was a kid to me, I would have asked her to leave. But Carl didn’t even know me. How did he know Rae wouldn’t have been hurt, or worse? What a fucking prick.
“Guess I was right about him being a player, since he broke your heart,” Carl snidely remarked, tossing his rag.
Rae’s jaw set, and her lip wobbled. “You broke my heart, Carl. Not him. He had no way of knowing, and it was completely unfair that someone intruded on his privacy. All these years, I assumed he’d just sent that note to hurt me—to be cruel. Turns out, you were the only cruel one in the scenario.”
Taking a steadying breath, she moved her hands and declared, “I want nothing to do with you.”
Carl surged forward, worry etched into his features. “You don’t mean that…”
She stepped back, and a fierce protectiveness swept through me. If he tried to touch her at all, even to give her a hug…
“I love him, Carl…with all my heart, and I was going to have a future with him. That’s not happening now, but that doesn’t change the fact that I can’t have people in my life who don’t support my choices.”
With one last look at the man, Rae turned to leave, while I ducked further into the shadows.
I waited there long enough to let her words sink in. It was slow, like a block of cement. Her saying our future wasn’t happening now…it fucked with my head. I still wanted one with her. Still, her lie and the fact that I had nearly gutted myself to be vulnerable with her…it hurt.
I loved Rae. To my very marrow, I did—but I didn’t know if I could trust her.
Even getting over that she was worried how I’d respond, assuming I had given her that note, how could she still have thought that after being with me?
After hearing something so deep and personal to me, how could she assume that I—
Well fuck, I guess in the end, I responded exactly how she feared.
Wasn’t that some shit?
Shaking my head, I waited to ensure she was gone before pushing through the back doors and inhaling the cold October air.