Chapter 18
18
RAINN
My stepmother doesn’t work. Which means searching for letters will be difficult. She barely leaves the house. Tonight is church. And I need Jesus because I’m required to attend with the family. I don’t mind too much because I get to see Mac. We trade smiles and glances, and I pretend to sing the hymns so I can focus on his deep voice from the pew in front of us. I jump up when it’s time to read the affirmation and brush my fingers against the back of his neck.
By the time Friday rolls around, I’m ready to scream. Not only have I not found the letters—and we leave for school tomorrow so I’m running out of time—I haven’t had a moment alone with Mac in days. But the pool tournament is tonight.
Then, I get what I wish for in the most annoying way.
“I’m not cooking tonight, Rainn. I figured you’d eat at the pool tournament. And your dad’s working late. One of the new deputies had to take off, so he’s covering. You know how stupid people get at those things.” She peers at me as if I’m one of the stupid people. And that was once. But the preacher’s son cheated. And I’d been drinking. Mac had saved my ass that night.
“I’ll be with Mac.” That’s normally all it takes.
She tilts her head. “I heard he was going with Sally Jo. Those two will be married before the year is out. Mark my words.”
Not likely. But I just nod.
“I’m meeting Donna at the diner. It’ll be nice to eat out for once.”
“Have a good time. You deserve a break.” And I’d mean it, except I’m still pissed about how she’s treated Hettie. And whatever happened with my mom. But this is my chance. I’ll be able to snoop as soon as she’s gone.
Unfortunately, it cuts into the time I’m supposed to meet Mac.
Mac
Where are you?
Me
Still waiting.
Mac
Still?
Me
Go without me. I’ll get there as soon as I can.
Mac
Need help?
Me
Nah. I got this. Watch out for Sally Jo.
I love that Mac wants to help, but he’s in the tournament. I’m not. I prefer watching pool over playing. Okay, I prefer watching Mac play pool. I shake away thoughts of Mac bent over the pool table, taking his shot, and focus on the task ahead of me.
“I’m leaving, Rainn. Have fun tonight.”
Once she’s gone, I go to the kitchen and get a snack. If she forgot something, she’ll realize it fairly quickly.
After finishing my blueberry yogurt and cheese stick, I head upstairs to my dad and Belinda’s room. I check the drawers. And her things in the closet. Nothing. But would she leave them in here? Where he could potentially find them?
Where would she keep something that no one would ever mess with? She doesn’t have a craft room, but her extra baking supplies are in the cabinets over the laundry room. There are two things my dad never does: cooking and laundry.
The trick is putting everything back exactly as she has it. I take pictures with my phone so I can get it right. Then, I go through each cabinet and drawer. I’m almost ready to give up with I find a cookie container—one of many—but this one is heavier than the rest. I pull the lid off, and—Bingo.
Letters from my mom addressed to Belinda. And with those letters are ones addressed to me. And Zye. Why wouldn’t she just send those to Zye’s dad? Not like Belinda would give them to him. My hands shake as I flip through them. All these years. The answers to all my questions are here in my hands. At least some of the answers.
My phone buzzes.
Mac
Dude. What the heck?
Before I have a chance to respond, I get another text.
Mac
Get your butt over here now.
I take the letters. What’s she going to do? Accuse me of stealing letters she’s not supposed to have? Fuck her. And my dad.
I stash them in my Bronco because I’m the only one with the key. I’m itching to read them but also not. Do I really need to know any more than she didn’t come back?
But none of that matters when I make it to The Loose Brick for the Cedar Ridge Annual Pool Tournament.
The leaderboard is right there as I walk in, and Mac is in the lead. I find him off to the side, waiting for his next match. His loud friends are around him, but that’s not what stops me. Sally Jo is sitting in his lap.
She grins at me as I walk over and take an empty seat. Mac shifts like he wants to push her off but doesn’t.
Is it wrong I want to claim him as my boyfriend? Lover. Husband.
But the reality is that he isn’t any of those things. Not in the way it matters.
“Find what you were looking for?” Mac asks, shifting his legs again. “Sally Jo, can you grab Tad and get me some mozzarella sticks? I forgot to eat anything.”
She narrows her eyes at me but gives Mac a bright smile. “Sure, babe.” She leans in to kiss him, and he moves slightly so her kiss lands on his cheek. Ha. She jumps up and smooths her top.
“Can you get me a beer?” I ask, trying to look innocent.
“Sure.” Glare. And she flounces away.
What would they do if I took her place? Plopped right down in Mac’s lap? I shake my head.
“Had good luck then?”
We’re still surrounded by people. Many of them drunk, but still. Too dangerous to talk. “Yeah. Really good luck.”
His eyes widen at my words.
“That’s—I’m happy for you.”
I shrug. I don’t know how to feel. “Thanks.”
“Do you want to talk?” he asks in a lower voice.
“Hey, Mac. You’re up.”
He nods to the guy in charge of the tournament and smiles. “I’m gonna go show these guys how it’s done. Don’t eat all my mozzarella sticks.”
I don’t follow him, not wanting anyone to notice how desperate I am to be next to him. Desperation is not a good look.
“Where did he go?” Sally Jo asks with a huff as she hands me a beer and puts the food on the table. Not a good look at all.
“It’s his turn.”
“Oh.” She slumps in the chair and takes a bite of a mozzarella stick.
As much fun as it is watching Sally Jo be disappointed, I have better things to do. I excuse myself and make my way to the pool tables. There aren’t any empty chairs, but I don’t need one.
I watch the game. Mac is good. I enjoy watching him stretch his body to get the correct angle. Or his intense look as he evaluates a shot right before the cue ball smacks into the other balls and they slip into the pockets.
His confidence is a definite turn-on as he sinks ball after ball. His hands slide up and down the stick after each shot. He points to the corner pocket and looks up, catching my eyes on him. He shoots too hard, and the ball bounces off the pocket. I almost feel bad.
Even with the mistake, Mac wins, and all I can think about is him bending me over the pool table. It’s unbearably hot in the tavern, and Mac’s grin tells me some of his stunts were on purpose. He walks a few steps closer, but Sally Jo rushes in front of him and throws her arms around him. “Babe, that was amazing!” He doesn’t push her away. Not in front of all these people.
What did I expect? Do I really think Mac is going to claim me as his husband or as anything more than a friend in front of the entire town? I’m a fucking idiot.
I slip out to the back alley, needing some air. The server is grabbing a quick smoke. “Is it over?” she asks, taking a quick puff.
I quit smoking months ago, but tonight, I really want one. I focus on an old bike resting against the brick wall next to the dumpster instead of the craving to bum a cigarette from her. “Yup. Mac won.”
“No surprise. I better get in there. There will be a rush now that the tourney’s over.”
I nod at her. People won’t leave. Now’s the time to get as drunk as possible. I lean against the brick. What am I doing? Letting other people decide my life for me. I wasn’t going to do that anymore, yet here I am. Still letting Mom hurt me after all these years. Chasing a man who tells me over and over he’s straight.
His kisses say otherwise.
Doesn’t matter, if he’s never able to accept that he’s attracted to men. Or to me.
The door opens, and I realize I expect to see Mac. Expected him to notice my absence and find me. Maybe I should have anticipated Sally Jo.
Not in the mood, I push off from the brick wall, intending to leave.
“Thought I’d find you waiting out here. He’s not coming.”
“What’s your problem, Sally Jo?”
She laughs. “Like you don’t know.”
I don’t respond or take my eyes off her. I don’t trust her one bit.
“We’ve been together for five years.”
“Off and on,” I say, not mentioning the twenty years Mac and I have been friends.
“My point exactly.” She glares at me. “You’re the one thing that always gets in the way.”
“Okay.”
“He’s not yours, Rainn. Mac is straight.”
“Sure.” I don’t mention the many times he doesn’t act so straight, but I do have one thing she’ll never have. “But he married me.”
She shakes her head, her smile twisted. “I thought you were just desperate to hold on to him as a friend. That was when I thought you were straight. When you confessed you were bi, it all started to make sense.”
“Whatever. Your opinion means nothing to me.”
Cars race by on the road behind us. Honking horns. Sally Jo walks around as if she’s thinking. “Mac admitted the wedding was a drunken mistake.” She shrugs. “Honestly, I feel sorry for you.”
She’s not wrong. At all. But it’s still hard to hear. Hard to believe he said those words to her. Even if they are true.
“Mac is loyal. You know that. You should take your claws out of him. Give him a chance at a happy life.”
“You done?” I cross my arms and raise a brow in question. “Because Mac doesn’t need you—hell, or me—to run his life. He hates that shit, so whatever this is you’re doing? Will not work out for you.” I stomp past her and back into the bar. I’m so done with this entire night.
A hand on my arm stops me right inside the door. Mac. “Hey. I thought you left.” His eyes search mine. He drops his hand and shoves it into his back pocket.
“No. I just needed some air.”
“Were you?—”
“I wasn’t smoking, Mac.” Just tempted.
He nods. “Rick said you had to leave?—”
“Let me guess. He heard it from Sally Jo.” I glance at the door. She’ll be back in here soon. “We had a fun chat.”
“Rainn—”
“No. I’m out.”
Mac steps in front of me, his mouth set in a hard line. His mouth that I can’t stop staring at.
I step closer so I can see his eyes. He’s furious. What am I doing? I stop the words before I completely ruin his night. “You did good. Still the champ.”
He blinks. “So you found…something?”
The letters. Holy shit. I’d forgotten. “Yeah.”
He nods and turns sideways as if we’re just two guys hanging out. Nothing gay going on over here. “Your dad working late?”
“Until midnight.”
“Belinda still go to bed at ten?”
“Every night.”
He nods again, but the edge of his mouth ticks up. Excitement curls in my stomach. It’s barely ten-thirty now.
I focus my gaze on the pool game in the back, but every other part of me is aware of the man beside me as he moves closer. No one questions us. The bar is packed. Accidentally touching another man in these close quarters is fine. Expected. Mac’s hand touches my lower back and excitement bursts to life as he leans in. “You leave first. I’ll follow in fifteen minutes. That still gives us plenty of time.”
I catch Sally Jo watching us from the corner. Fuck her. Seriously. “For us to go through what I found?”
“That, and…” He hesitates, and I turn to look at him. “So I can convince you everything Sally Jo likely told you is wrong.” His eyes are hot on me, melting away any tiny bit of resistance. His mouth parted slightly. So kissable. Fuckable.
My cock in Mac’s mouth. He’s taking every bit of it. I swallow, needing to keep my fantasies in check. His growl tells me I’m unsuccessful.
“Rainn,” he says, catching my gaze. “Go.”