Chapter Forty Four #2
My heart fucking soars and some anxiety—some fear that’s been eating at me for so long dissipates. I can feel my own tears start to stream as I smile down at him.
“I was really hoping you’d say that.” I joke—but Benjamin doesn’t laugh. He keeps hold of my face, rubbing at my cheeks with his thumbs.
“My little blue bird.” He’s trying so hard not to cry even harder. “I’ve been waiting—waiting so anxiously—waiting for you to fly away.” I pull him into a big hug, face shoved into my neck, my heart so hot and full I could just die.
“I’ve been circling you for years—I’m not flying off now.” He lets out a heavy breath. “Can I put this on?” I hold the box up again.
“Oh! Sorry—I forgot.” He sits back on his heels, holding a shaking hand out. I grab it—resting it in my palm—kissing the back of it. He shudders.
The ring is a perfect fit—thanks to string and Benjamin being a heavy sleeper—and it looks perfect.
“Beautiful.” I tell him, lifting his hand to kiss the ring where
it rests. “You are always so beautiful. Even more so now—as my fiancé.”
Benjamin moans—pulling my face to kiss me again like it’s urgent—like he’s dying. I’m laughing against his mouth. He leans back.
“Did you pick this out?” I nod. “You know me too well, Aaron Archer. Oh my God—wait.” His eyes are wide, staring at me in awe. “I’m going to be Benjamin Archer.” I grin at him again.
“Hot—right?” His eyes change from awed to panicked as something seems to dawn on him.
“Um, Aaron… who gets Felix as their best man?” Oh, fuck.
◆◆◆
I lean forward—elbows on my knees—chin resting on my closed fists. I’m staring Felix down as he looks between me and Benjamin who sits next to me—legs crisscross on the couch. He’s got that puppy-dog face going which I consider cheating.
“I never considered this as a possible problem growing up.” Felix says. “Who would get me as their best man—my brother or my best friend? In any normal instance—it’d be both.” Kayla is cracking up behind him as he sits in front of us.
“Remember—I’m your brother.” I say slowly, narrowing my eyes on him.
“Right—”
“Remember—I shared your bed and gave you half of my food for damn near fourteen years.” Benjamin interrupts and Felix nods—tapping his chin.
“Also true.” I turn and glare at my beautiful fiancé and he glares right back.
“What if you guys just like—fist-fought? Whosoever wins gets Fe.” Amber offers from where she sits on the dining-room table, eating an apple.
“Okay—that would be so unfair. Aaron can throw me from here to our apartment if he wants to.” Benjamin deadpans and I can’t help but grin, crossing my arms as I lean back on the couch.
“It’s true.” I say. Benjamin rolls his eyes.
I look back at Amber and she’s smiling at us gently, enjoying watching our debacle. Amber. My best friend. The one who got me through all of puberty. It’s so obvious now.
“Wait.” I interject. “Fe—stand with Button for the wedding.” I stand up and walk to Amber—standing in front of her where she sits on the table. Her eyes widen. “Amber.”
“Motherfucker—don’t make me cry.” She looks around the room before returning her gaze to me. I notice her hands are shaking.
“You’ve been my best friend for a very long time. We know each other very well. I love you—you’re my family. Would you? Would you be my best woman?” Amber’s glaring at me as she sheds tears—her mascara dripping.
“Are you… This is sudden. Are you sure? I’m really not offended if you choose your brother.” I can see the building emotion—how much this means to her, and I know I’m making the right choice.
“I’m definitely sure. I want you by my side now the way you have been for everything else. Will you?” She chokes down a sob and clears her throat.
“Duh.” Her arms wrap around my shoulders as she squeezes me. The three in the living room cheer. After she’s done wiping her dirty face on me and cursing me for the sudden emotional onslaught—I return to the couch. Benjamin smiles one of those sun smiles and I feel warm, poking a dimple.
“Thank God—” he starts with a little laugh. “If Aaron had won, it would have just been me up there.”
Silence. The whole room is sucked clean of sound as everyone realizes that he’s right.
The only other person close to him other than me is Felix.
Amber is his friend—sure—but not any more than Kayla.
I would have left him alone. He was willing to be—if that’s what Felix wanted—what I wanted.
Benjamin looks around—eyes widening as he looks at our faces.
“Hey now—that was supposed to be funny. Lose those pity eyes. Did we forget I’m getting married?
” He wiggles his ring adorned finger at us—eyes screaming don’t be ridiculous!
“Now everyone tell me how handsome I’ll look at the altar.
” He grins, batting his lashes as Fe and Kayla start fake-gushing about how gorgeous he is.
“You’ll be so handsome I’ll die when I look at you.” Kayla says—serious and sad.
“I might object just because I’m jealous and want you all to myself.” Felix admits like it’s a secret confession.
I watch Benjamin as he laughs and waves them off—a blush littering his cheeks. I feel like the worst fiancé in the world.
When I turn my head to look at Amber, she’s already looking at me and with that best friend telepathy she says—this
will be hard for him. I know it will be—I remember what he confided in me at Felix’s wedding.
I’ll make him happy, my eyes respond. She smiles.
◆◆◆
I watch Benjamin as he breathes—his head lying so gently on his pillow—his lips slightly parted. His hands are brought up to his chest so I can see his ring and it’s making me a bit hard.
He looks beautiful—so peaceful and defenseless.
“You’re staring.” He says, not bothering to open his eyes. Guess he’s awake.
“Am I not allowed?” I ask, laying on my side next to him.
“What’s bothering you?” He opens his eyes—looking straight into mine.
“If it’s what I said earlier—please ignore it.
I really didn’t say it to garner some kind of pity or guilt.
I thought it’d be funny and regretted it the moment I said it.
” I reach out and place my hand over his, running a finger over his ring.
“I know. But it doesn’t change that it’s true.” He sighs. “I’m serious. I didn’t even consider it. I only thought about myself.”
“Aaron, that’s not a bad thing. Thinking of yourself first doesn’t make you a bad person—or a bad boyfriend.” I shove his shoulder until he’s on his back, propping myself up to lean over him.
“Fiancé. And the entire purpose of having a man like me around is to protect you and take care of you. What god thinks of himself before his disciples?” Benjamin considers this for a moment—hand moving under the blanket to trace my tattoo.
“But then who cares for you?” He asks—soft and sad.
“You do.” I watch his eyes widen. “You take care of me all the time. That’s how I’m able to be the way I am. Where I am very loud in my love, you are soft and quiet. It’s why we work so well.”
“Aaron…” Benjamin’s eyes are watering. “I don’t know how to respond to that.” I kiss his forehead.
“Just keep loving me the same. Get onto me when I forget things, make me lunch for work, give me a safe place to be weak when I need it. All of the little things you do. Keep loving me like that and I’ll be happy forever.
” He grabs my face—pulling me down to kiss him deeply—a long, sweet, intimate kiss. It says yes, I understand.
He pulls away, panting slightly as he stares up at me.
“I love you.” He tells me. I run my fingers down his stomach.
“Then let me love you how I always have. And in doing so—I should have considered that Felix was your best man. There was no other option. We literally talked about it at his wedding. How you… how you don’t have anyone to show up for your wedding.
” Benjamin looks away from me. He looks embarrassed—ashamed.
I grab his face, turn him back to me. “Hey—don’t hide. ”
“I just get… I don’t know—it’s a bit embarrassing.” He mumbles, searching my face.
“I witnessed some of the aftermath of Ronnie over the years. I saw your house. I met the motherfucker. I know how you found your mother, how you suffered. You should be very proud to be here—to have kicked ass and gotten out of that house. Don’t be embarrassed that they killed themselves—you didn’t choose that.
It’s not your fault they didn’t know how to love you. ”
Benjamin pulls me down on top of him—sobbing into my neck—wrapping his arms around me.
“I…I…” He tries to speak but can’t get anything out through the sobs.
“It’s okay, baby—just let me hold you. Cry and lay with me.” So he does. He lets me roll over—pulling him into my side as I flip to my back. And over time his sobs subside, sending him fitfully off to sleep.
I kiss his hair—squeeze him to me. I’ll find a way to fix it.
◆◆◆
After Ronnie attacked Benjamin and Drew in 2018, he came home to me and Felix and had an episode where he begged me to fix it—to make it stop.
During that episode he said something that has always sat with me—stabbed at my heart—reminding me that he thinks about it every day.
Benjamin had looked at us and said, “I have no home to call my own.” It was said amongst other things—but this specific part really hurt to hear.
I want to give him one. I want Benjamin to finally have a home of his own.
Not just a house he stays in with his best friend.
Not a college apartment he barely pays for and hardly sleeps at.
Not his boyfriend’s apartment. A home that’s his from start to finish—meant for him.
And I want to be in it. A part of it. The source—even.
I’m just that selfish. So, like any good contributing citizen of society, fresh out of college I stalked the housing market until I found a good-sized—decently located—freshly built house up for rent. And then I rented it!