4. Ally
Chapter 4
Ally
Three weeks later, Friday, June 15
Dan is about to become my… stepbrother?
I have a crush. My first real crush and on a guy who actually exists. A guy who texts me every day and walks me home from school. It’s been one month since we first met, and every Wednesday afternoon, we visit a 50s style diner and sit across from each other in a booth, sharing a milkshake with two straws. We laugh about TV shows and movies.
During our piano lessons, he asks me to play music for him, and lies back on my bed, watching like he’s entranced by my skill. Then he sits beside me on the stool and tries his hardest to copy everything I teach him.
When our parents aren’t looking, he teaches me the rules of poker. I’m no good at it and he teases me, yet it’s in a fun way I’ve never experienced before. I like teasing him back. I like when the left side of his mouth curls into a grin. I like the deep sound of his voice and how he speaks my name. How he hugs me each time we say goodbye.
I like everything about Dan Blackwood.
Yet, I’ll never take this crush to the next level. Not only because our parents are dating and it would be weird, but because Dan and I are friends. I’ve been so lonely and miserable for years, but now he’s come into my life and I think this is the first time I’ve ever truly been happy. I like how easy it is to talk to Dan, when normally I can’t string a sentence together in front of a guy. I’m not about to ruin any of this by letting my feelings get in the way.
“The tennis courts are down that path.” Josh points to our left, giving my mom and me a tour of his summer home in The Hamptons, which he insists is now our home since Mom got time off work and we’re spending the entire summer break here with him.
Mansion would be a more accurate description. This is by far the biggest and fanciest place I’ve ever visited. His property is right on the beach with expansive land and a driveway a mile long. The mansion is elegant, in typical Hamptons style architecture, white with large windows and porches. There’s a five-car garage, incredible pool, and the gardens are immaculately groomed. There’s even a hedge maze Josh has advised me not to enter alone in case I get lost.
“Do you play tennis, Ally?” Josh asks as we round a corner in the garden, the three of us stopping by a water fountain.
“No. I’d love to learn.”
“We’ll have to teach you while we’re here for the summer.”
“Speaking of which, do you know when Dan will be arriving?”
It’s early evening and the sun is about to set. The school year finished today, and Josh drove the three of us up here after Mom finished her shift at the restaurant. Dan was meant to come too but was held up with a prior arrangement. As for Josh’s other sons, I still haven’t met them. Josh invited them to spend the summer with us, but they turned down the invitation.
“Dan should hopefully be arriving soon. He’s busy with his brothers,” Josh says, which is code for playing poker . He tries to hide his displeasure of Dan’s absence, along with the reason, but I can tell he’s unhappy with Dan’s choices.
“Ah, the brothers,” Mom sighs, laughing fondly as she weaves her fingers with Josh’s.
Unlike me, she’s met Killian, Tyler, and Felix, and says they’re lovely. When Dan heard her describe them in such a way, he started choking on his drink with laughter.
Despite Dan telling me not to be nervous about meeting them, that they’ll love me, I am nervous. I don’t do well around new people, regardless of my good intentions. My awkward tendencies get interpreted for rudeness, and that’s the last thing I want Dan’s brothers to think of me.
I dip my fingers into the fountain. “When will I meet your other sons?”
“Soon enough, honey. Are you two hungry?” Josh changes the subject quickly. I don’t pry further, curious but respecting his wishes, and instead follow him and my mom inside for dinner.
After we’ve eaten, we spend the rest of the evening together in the living room, playing board games and laughing, and it feels nice, like we’re a real family. Dan texted me earlier in the day telling me he’d be here tonight, but when I still haven’t heard from him at ten p.m., I decide to call it a night and go to bed.
The guest bedroom Josh has given me is upstairs and next to where he and my mom are sleeping. Mom won’t say it out loud, but I know she’s keeping me close by in case I have a panic attack in the middle of the night.
We’ve narrowed the cause of these panic attacks down to me feeling trapped in uncomfortable social situations that I can’t remove myself from. The episodes happen a lot at school. Medication is the only thing that helps. When I was younger, on the rare chance I was ever invited to a sleepover, the attacks happened there, too. It was embarrassing, having the girls at school witness me like that, then needing my mom to pick me up.
I’ve learned to control my environment by accepting fewer social invitations. Now, I never get invited anywhere. It’s helped the anxiety but has brought on loneliness and an inability to feel normal. I’m sure it only encouraged the bullying. It’s a vicious cycle I can’t break.
But I’ve reassured Mom I want to be at Josh’s beach house, and it’s the truth. It feels like home here, with two loving parents, and I drift to sleep instantly.
The hour is still dark when I wake to a repeated clinking sound. I rub my eyes, my phone telling me it’s one in the morning. I also have a bunch of missed calls and texts from Dan.
The sound continues, coming from the window in my room. A pebble hits the glass. I open the window, finding Dan in the garden beneath my room.
“Finally.” He grins up at me with a black hoodie pulled over his head, his voice not too loud, like he doesn’t want to risk waking our parents. “The house is locked and I don’t have keys. I’ve been throwing rocks at all the guest bedrooms, trying to find where you’re sleeping. Let’s go for a walk on the beach.”
“Right now?” I call back, matching his hushed volume.
“Yeah. Why not?”
I look back at my bedroom door, knowing my mom wouldn’t approve of me leaving the house at this hour, especially being in a new location and with my history of panic attacks. I’m about to suggest Dan comes inside and we talk in the living room, but a flicker of excitement stirs in my chest at the thought of sneaking out and being truly alone with Dan. I’ve never snuck out before. I’ve never had anyone to sneak out with. I’ve never done anything my mother wouldn’t approve of, nor have I had the urge to.
But that grin on Dan’s face makes me want to do something wrong for once.
“Okay. Let’s go to the beach.” The words feel electrifying leaving my mouth. I scope the trellis, not wanting to risk waking Mom and Josh if I sneak out the door. “You think I can climb out the window?”
“Yeah. I’ll spot you.”
My muscles tighten with adrenaline as I hoist myself over the windowsill and cling to the trellis. A cool breeze rolls in from the beach, ruffling my hair and caressing the bare skin on my legs, making me realize I didn’t think through this plan at all. I’m not wearing any shoes, my sleep shorts hardly cover my ass, and I don’t have a bra beneath this baggy shirt. As an A cup, it’s not like I’m in need of much support, but I don’t want Dan seeing the points of my nipples.
Too late now. This feeling of excitement that Dan awakens within me is too addictive and I’m not climbing back inside. Taking care with my footing, I descend slowly, making sure not to trample the flowers growing on this trellis. Halfway down, a yelp escapes me as I step on a weak part of wood and the trellis crumbles beneath my feet, leaving me scrambling and clinging to the wall.
“Oh, shit. Are you okay?” Dan whisper-yells.
My feet dig into a crevice on the side of the house, securing my safety, and I let out a much needed breath of relief. A light switches on from within Mom and Josh’s bedroom. My stomach twists, knowing if they peer outside, I’ll be caught and have a lot of explaining to do. She’ll put two and two together, realizing I have a crush on her boyfriend’s son, because why else would I sneak out to be with a guy?
I hear my mother’s voice, though her words aren’t clear. All I know is I need to find a way out of this situation and fast. But when I look down, realizing my climbing path to the ground is gone, I have no clue what to do.
“Jump. I’ll catch you.”
I peer over my shoulder at Dan. “You can’t be serious. It’s a long way.”
My mother’s silhouette appears right on the other side of the curtain, making my pulse thunder in my ears. Time is running out. Any moment now, she’ll open the curtains and catch me red-handed. Jumping is my best option, but fear holds me in place.
“It’s not that far,” Dan says. “Do you trust me?”
“Yes, but I’m still scared to jump the distance. What if I’m too heavy and you drop me?”
“Not going to happen. You’re tiny.”
“But—”
“Ally, get on the fucking ground already so I can hug you.”
My pulse kicks into overdrive, having nothing to do with fear this time. My heart squeezes at the playful way Dan scolds me and how he wants to hug me. Jumping is worth it, just for that hug.
“Okay. Three, two, one.” I let go, my stomach vanishing as I fall through the air.
Strong arms catch me, one beneath my legs, the other at my back, cradling me to his chest. Above us, the window opens. Dan rushes us out of sight, around the corner of the house, saving us just in time from being caught.
“The trellis broke,” Josh says from a distance. “Must have been some wild animal climbing it. I’ll take care of it in the morning. Let’s go back to bed.”
“You little rebel.” Dan grins at me and I laugh. He holds me for a moment longer than necessary before lowering me to my feet, yet doesn’t release me from his arms.
I get that hug I was promised, being lifted off my toes. His warmth spreads through my body and I soak it up, also noticing the scent of alcohol. Though he doesn’t seem drunk. On anyone else, I wouldn’t like the smell. But with Dan… well, I’ve already accepted nothing he does will turn me off.
“Fuck, I missed you.”
I’ve never liked swearing, but the way he says fuck in that deep, gravelly tone makes me think it could be my new favorite word.
Dan buries his face in my hair, breathing deeply. Sometimes I wonder when he says things like this, if I’m not the only one with a crush. I let myself get carried away with the fantasy, but I’ll never ask.
“Sorry it took me so long to get up here,” he says. “I got caught up with Killian and Felix, playing poker.”
“Did you win?”
“A couple of games.” Dan looks down at my body, seeing my pajamas. “Are you cold?”
Before I can answer, he pulls off his hoodie and places it over my head. My arms slip into it with ease. I don’t object, the hoodie surrounding me with his warmth and scent.
“How did you get up here?” I ask.
“Felix drove me. He’s waiting out in the front with Killian. They want to meet you.”
My eyes pop open wide with panic. “Oh… Maybe that’s not a good idea. Your dad doesn’t want me to meet them yet.” It’s a genuine excuse. I want to respect Josh’s wishes. But making a good impression on Dan’s brothers is the real reason I hesitate. “I’m not good with new people?—”
“Screw what my dad wants. And I’ll be with you the whole time. Nothing to worry about.”
There’s something comforting in Dan’s words, and even though I’m nervous about meeting his brothers, I can’t deny being intrigued by them. “Okay. So, Felix is the oldest, right?”
“Yeah. He’s twenty-one.” Dan leads the way through the gardens, walking alongside me with his hands in his pockets. “Tyler’s a year younger than him, but he’s off with his girlfriend tonight. Killian is seventeen.”
Dan asks me about my day and how I’m settling into the beach house. I mention liking it here and ask whether he saw the latest photos the paparazzi took of us. I’ve noticed the cameramen more frequently since that first time my photo was taken on the street. Dan’s advice was to ignore the cameras and not search my name on the internet, but I care too much and need to know what’s being said about me in the public eye.
A couple of weeks back, a rumor surfaced that I was Dan’s girlfriend, all thanks to that first photo where his arm was around my shoulders. I showed him the gossip site, expecting him to be astounded. The only reaction I got out of him was a smirk, like he was pleased by the rumor.
Secretly, I liked his reaction. The girls at school started treating me a little nicer too, thanks to the rumor. When Josh made a public announcement that I’m family and not dating his son, the girls returned to showing no interest in me, as I expected they would.
Within a few minutes, we arrive at the front of the mansion, where a black Chrysler sits in the dark, the only light surrounding us coming from its headlights. I gulp at the sight of two guys dressed in suits, leaning against the car with their arms folded and engaged in a quiet conversation.
I’ve seen them before in photos, but the photos didn’t do justice for how handsome they are. Especially Felix, the oldest one. He’s a different kind of handsome to Dan. Not boyish at all. A man, and a dangerous one at that. Slick and sharp and with cunning eyes. Blond hair. The only blond one of the Blackwoods. Tattoos peek above his collar.
Killian has a younger look to him, like Dan. More approachable than Felix, athletic and strong, though he still makes me nervous.
“Hey,” Dan announces our arrival.
They both turn to the sound of his voice, their eyes latching onto me, and I feel naked beneath their gazes.
Felix looks at me for five seconds at most before glancing away with a smirk. “Now I see why Dad was hiding you from us.”
Killian laughs, nodding at Dan. “Dad is letting you near her? He’s lost his mind.”
“Enough. Don’t be dickheads,” Dan drones, then lowers his voice to me. “Sorry, I thought they’d behave.”
The younger brother continues. “She really is as pretty as you said she is. And she’s wearing your hoodie. Cute.”
“Killian, shut the fuck up.”
He laughs harder. “We’re only messing around.”
Perhaps I should be more nervous about the downhill direction this meeting is heading in. I now understand why Josh wanted to control my interaction with his sons. But all I can focus on is that Dan told his brothers I’m pretty. And they’re implying that, what, Dan might try something on me? A tightness coils in my lower tummy, hot and foreign and… I like this feeling, more than I should.
Finally, it dawns on me that I haven’t said a single word to Felix and Killian. I don’t know if they’re trying to intimidate me or what. If they are, it’s working. I need to say something to level the playing field but have no idea how to respond. The longer I contemplate my words, the more I realize I’m standing here like an idiot, so I speak the first thing that comes to mind, pathetic as it may be.
“Thanks. I guess you guys are kind of pretty, too.” I try to say the words with bite, but I’m so nervous my voice ends up sounding airy and delicate, like I’m sincerely telling the brothers they’re beautiful.
The two of them look at each other, confused and trying to decipher my tone, before Felix cracks a smile at me. “You’re a little weird, you know? I like it.”
His approval is a shock, yet I’ll take it as a win.
“Don’t worry, Ally. Whatever our father might think, you’re safe around us. After all, we’re about to be family.”
My brow furrows. “What do you mean?”
“Our father is smitten with Amabella. It’s only a matter of time before he proposes.”
This is the first time marriage has been brought to my attention. Maybe it’s silly of me to have never entertained the idea of Mom and Josh getting married. I hug my body in the cool breeze, processing how the information makes me feel. I like Josh a lot and I’m happy for my mom. Yet, having him as a stepfather would change the dynamics between me and Dan.
I’d no longer have a crush on a random guy, but a crush on my stepbrother. That’s weird and wrong and I can only imagine what others would say. It’s not like I’ll ever act on this crush, but I would know the truth, and I wouldn’t like it one bit.
“All right, Killian and I are heading back to the city.” Felix retrieves car keys from his pocket. “Nice meeting you, baby sis. Dan, keep your dick in your pants.”
“Felix, I swear to God,” Dan groans. The other two brothers laugh.
I force a smile and say goodbye, barely taking notice of their banter. They drive off, leaving me and Dan alone in the moonlight.
“Sorry, that was kind of intense,” Dan says. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m just stuck on the part about our parents getting married.”
I look up at Dan, gauging his reaction to the potential marriage. His eyes are already on me, his jaw stiff. He doesn’t say a word, but I sense he’s not thrilled about us being step siblings either.
I stare out to the black abyss of the ocean, not truly hearing the waves crash on the shore, not when my mind is a million miles away.
“You’re quiet,” Dan says, sitting beside me on the sand.
“I’m still thinking about what Felix said about our parents getting married.”
“You don’t like it?”
“I don’t know. I like Josh for my mom. But their marriage would make me your stepsister. I don’t like that part.”
Dan watches the ocean, not saying a word. He hasn’t shared his opinion on the marriage. Perhaps us being step siblings isn’t such a big deal for him. He’s my only real friend and is quickly becoming the center of my world, but the same can’t be said in reverse.
Dan has many friends. He’s social and I’ve seen how everyone flocks to him. Sometimes I catch him looking at me in an intimate way friends don’t look at each other. But if I became off limits to him as his stepsister, it wouldn’t be such an issue for him, seeing as there’s no shortage of girls lining up to be with him.
Yet, still, there are things I wonder about Dan, like has he ever thought about kissing me? Has he ever wanted to have sex with me? I think about those things a lot. Too much, probably.
I don’t have the confidence to outright ask him those questions and settle for something a little less obvious. “You told your brothers I’m pretty?”
Dan looks across at me in that familiar way no guy should look at a girl who is just his friend, his gaze on my lips, his voice soft against the crashing waves. “Yeah, I did.”
The heat of his eyes warms me. I want him to lean in and kiss me. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything as much. Yet, there’s something within me that feels ashamed of wanting his kiss. My mom wouldn’t approve of my actions, sneaking out and kissing a boy. Not any boy either, but her boyfriend’s son. Maybe even fiancé’s son, soon.
Dan tears his eyes away from me and peers up at the night sky. “You know you can see Jupiter from this beach.”
“Really?”
“Lie back. I’ll show you.”
I follow Dan’s instructions, lying in the sand. He scoots right beside me, making nervous flickers of energy come to life in my chest as he lies back, slipping a hand beneath my shoulders. My breath hitches at the sudden closeness between us as Dan draws me into his chest. The way he’s holding me is so innocent yet… it doesn’t feel innocent at all.
We’ve touched before, with brief hugs or when I’m giving piano lessons and correcting his hands, but never has he held me like this. I don’t know much about guys, but this has to be more than friendship.
“You see that star there?” Dan points, his words a deep murmur against my temple.
I’m too consumed by his scent and the warmth of being in his arms to pay attention to the stars, and nod on autopilot. My eyelids fall shut and my breathing gradually slows in time with Dan’s. The waves continue rolling onto the shore, the white noise lulling me into a deep relaxation.
“Are you tired?” he whispers, breaking the silence.
“Yes, but I don’t want to leave. I could sleep just like this.”
“Then sleep.” Dan pulls me closer and strokes my hair as I drift to sleep. The last thing I remember is a kiss on my forehead and Dan murmuring, “I think you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, Ally.”