17. Ally
Chapter 17
Ally
The morning after, Saturday, June 2
The kiss
I wake in the morning, alone in Dan’s bed. The dreamy haze from last night has worn off and my body is tender from my performance with that toy. Memories of the shower flash into my mind, and I’m flooded with embarrassment over how exposed and… nasty I got. I had no shame in that shower.
I sure as hell have shame right now. Not only was I acting like the star in a porno, but I enjoyed every second of it. The orgasm was the most intense thing I’ve ever experienced and it’s all because I knew what Dan and I were doing was wrong. I got off on him watching me and the way he praised me, telling me I’m a good girl. I liked the power he had and that he was controlling the toy.
It’s not just last night that’s the issue. It’s this obsession I have with him that makes me act differently—leaving the bathroom door open while I shower and hoping he’ll watch me; when I’m alone in my bedroom touching myself, I moan a little louder so he can hear what I’m doing.
I don’t recognize myself anymore. I don’t know why I do the things I do. They feel good in the moment. They make me feel alive and powerful to be lusted after. Being the center of Dan’s attention is intoxicating, and I keep pushing the boundaries, chasing the high it gives me.
I end up hating myself afterward, promising myself I’ll never do it again. That this obsession with him will stop. That I won’t crawl into his bed again. I won’t finger myself to the thought of him. I won’t leave the bathroom door open and let him watch the shower head give me an orgasm.
But it always happens again.
I’m an addict. A sex fiend. I feel dirty. If my mother and Josh ever found out about the things I do with Dan, I swear I would die. They see me as their sweet little daughter.
That’s the girl I should be. As a Blackwood, I’m supposed to be a role model for Forever Families and display to the public how unified our blended family is.
Needing to shake this dirty feeling off, I return to my bedroom, dressing for the day. When I enter the living room, Mom and Josh are having their breakfast on the couch while discussing our upcoming departure for summer in The Hamptons. It’s early June and we’re traveling there in a week.
They say good morning to me without glancing my way, asking how I slept. My eyes snag on Dan in an armchair, shuffling the neon cards I bought him. I glance away, my cheeks blooming with color as I head for the kitchen. I feel his gaze follow me the entire time as I grab bread from the fridge and place it in the toaster.
“What are your plans for today, honey?” Mom asks, reading something on her phone.
“Um… I don’t know.” I can’t think straight with Dan in the same room as me and give some dumb, flustered answer.
Dan laughs softly, like he knows I’m nervous because of him and last night. The next thing I know, he’s right behind me, reaching over me to place his own bread in the toaster. I flinch away, then feel his warm hand on my lower back.
“You okay?” he whispers.
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”
He studies me, his gaze soft. Amused. The left corner of his mouth lifts into that half grin I’m in love with. “No reason.”
His hand on my lower back readjusts, slipping beneath my shirt and resting on my bare skin. I stiffen, my eyes whipping to our parents, realizing they’re none the wiser. Regardless, that hand should not be there while we’re in the same room as our parents. Or ever. I step away, reaching for the peanut butter.
“Oh, Ally, before I forget.” Josh holds up a large envelope. “This arrived in the mail for you. It’s from the Paris Conservatoire.”
My interest sparks. It’s probably a pamphlet. I signed up for the Conservatoire’s mailing list a few months back. But I’m keen to read whatever is inside.
My toast pops. I spread the peanut butter, grab the envelope off Josh, and disappear into my room, eager to get away from Dan. Less than a minute later, I’m sitting on my bed and eating my breakfast when Dan enters my room, closing the door behind himself.
“Since when do you eat breakfast in your room?” he asks, mildly amused.
I shrug, not meeting his eyes. “Since today.”
His voice loses the smug tone and is replaced with concern. “Was last night too much?”
No.
Yes.
“I liked it. Too much,” I answer in a quiet voice, staring at my toast. “I feel guilty for liking it. I shouldn’t have done that with you. I shouldn’t do any of the things I do with you. It’s wrong.”
He doesn’t say anything. I look up at him, seeing the sentiment of my words reflected in his eyes. He feels it too, that what we’re doing is wrong. The only difference is there’s no guilt in his eyes.
“What’s in the envelope?” he asks.
“I don’t know. Probably an advertisement.”
“Open it.”
I do, welcoming the change in subject.
Dear Alexandra Hastings,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been chosen as the recipient for the DeLacroix scholarship.
My heart stops and I reread the opening line several times, not understanding the words that are so clearly spelt out for me.
“What is this?” I step off the bed and hand the letter to Dan. “Is this a prank or something? I didn’t apply for the scholarship.”
He reads the letter, his mouth slowly rising into a grin. “Fuck, you actually got the scholarship. I knew you’d get it. I applied for you.”
My hand claps to my mouth and I can feel my own smile forming. “I don’t understand. How?”
“I took a video of you playing the piano when you weren’t aware.”
A short laugh of disbelief escapes me. And then the reality of the acceptance letter sinks in and I scream, jumping on the spot and bursting with excitement. From the corner of my eyes, I see Dan watching me, laughing.
“I can’t believe you did this,” I squeal. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you.”
I jump on him with all my weight. He stumbles backward, his legs bumping into my bed frame, and the two of us fall onto the mattress. My forehead thumps against Dan’s as I land on top of him, and with it, the excitement of the moment shifts into something quiet when I realize I’m straddling him and how close our lips are. My hair forms a curtain down one side of our faces.
He’s looking up at me with such amazement, proud of me for receiving the scholarship. And I realize in this moment that I’m in love with Dan. Not the excitable love I shouted about a moment ago, but true, deep love.
I think I’ve always loved him. I’m only recognizing the feeling now after he’s done something so incredibly selfless for me. I love how supportive he is and how he believes in me. He takes time to learn about my interests. Socially, I’ve always struggled to fit in, but Dan has always liked who I am. He’s always made me feel seen. He’s my safe place.
Overall, he’s just a good person. My favorite person. I love everything about him.
“Fuck it,” Dan whispers, then presses up, his lips meeting mine for the first time ever.
The kiss is tender, catching me off guard and sending blissful sparks all through my body. I’ve been kissed before, once when I was younger, before meeting Dan. But I’d been tricked into thinking the guy liked me, later realizing the kiss had been a dare.
This, right now with Dan, feels like the first real kiss I’ve ever had, and it’s perfect.
I pull back, studying Dan’s eyes, confused as to how we’ve done so much together, yet a simple kiss can feel so magical and intimate. Despite everything I said a moment ago, about how we’re wrong, I want more. That’s the way it goes with Dan. I always want more, no matter how much I shouldn’t.
Between my legs, I feel how hard Dan is from the kiss. I grind against his dick, letting out a tiny moan at the tenderness I still have from last night, mixed with the pleasure that spreads within me.
Dan flips me on my back, getting me beneath him, and kisses me harder this time, pinning me to the mattress with his lips. His dick grinds against me, like he’s fucking me, and I move with him, sliding my tongue inside his mouth.
“Ally, baby, you have no idea how much I love?—”
“Honey?” Mom knocks on the door, the wall muffling her voice. “What happened? I heard you screaming.”
Dan and I push a part, right before the door opens and my mom steps inside. She looks at us, a mix of concern and curiosity in her eyes.
I grab the acceptance letter before I have a chance to look guilty and jump off the bed, handing it to her. “Dan applied to the Paris Conservatoire for me in secret. I just got accepted into that DeLacroix scholarship I was telling you about.”
She reads the letter with just as much disbelief as I had. Her face lights up the farther down the page she reads, and then she’s hugging me eagerly, speaking words of congratulations.
“Dan, you did this for Ally? You are so incredible. Come on, we have to tell Josh.” Mom grabs my hand and rushes me out of my room to where I left Josh only minutes ago, sitting on the couch with his breakfast. “Your son applied to the Paris Conservatoire in secret for Ally and she just received her acceptance letter.”
Josh looks between me and Dan who is now standing behind me. “You got in? That’s amazing.” He hugs me just as my mother did, and I get lost in the moment, filled with excitement. “Ally, this is so incredible. When do you need to leave for Paris? How long is the scholarship for?”
The logistics of Josh’s question stunts my excitement. Until now, all that’s crossed my mind is exhilaration that I’m a good enough musician to receive the scholarship. But this scholarship was never my plan A. Accepting the scholarship would entail moving to Paris and leaving my family behind. Leaving Dan behind. I’d be in a new city by myself. I’ve never done anything like this on my own. What if I’m alone in Paris and have a panic attack and can’t calm myself down?
I chew my bottom lip, suddenly overwhelmed with confusion. Even apprehension. “I don’t know if I’ll accept the scholarship.”
“What?” Mom and Josh gasp at the same time.
“Ally, you have to,” Mom says. “This is an incredible opportunity.”
“I know. And I’m grateful Dan did this for me, but… moving to Paris is a big deal. I’d be alone and… What if I don’t cope?”
“I already thought this through when I applied,” Dan says. “You don’t have to accept the scholarship if you don’t want to. I won’t be offended. I only applied to it because I wanted you to have options. If location is the only thing holding you back, I’ll move to Paris with you. I can easily play poker there.”
The look in Dan’s eyes as he says those words is so sincere. But I can’t tell which Dan is speaking them. The Dan who is my best friend? My stepbrother? The guy who likes teaching me how to enjoy my body? Or the guy who held me in his arms last night, kissing my forehead as I fell asleep?
It’s a rude reminder that I shouldn’t be in love with him. If we move to Paris together, this thing between us will only grow more out of hand. We’ll be together like an actual couple, not having to carefully tread around the family and public like we do now. I’ll fall more in love with him. We’ll have sex. We’ll be even more tangled up in each other and it will be a mess. A complete disaster that will end in heartbreak because there’s no future for me and Dan.
I take a steadying breath and glance out the window, anywhere but at Dan. “Um… My mind is chaos right now. I think I’d like to spend a few days with Uncle Daxton just to talk things through.”
“Of course, sweetie,” Mom says. “I’ll call him right now. He’ll love to have you stay with him.”
“I’m going to pack a bag.” I head to my room and grab a small suitcase from my wardrobe, throwing a bunch of clothes in it.
“You okay?” Dan asks, closing the door behind himself.
I don’t stop to look at him, knowing if I do, I’ll want to kiss him again. I’ll tell him I love him, and I can’t do that. “Yeah, just what I said—I need to think things through. Paris is a big decision.”
“And you need to be away from me to think things through.” He says it as a statement, though I can hear the displeasure in his voice.
I sigh, continuing to pack clothes. “I love that you got the scholarship for me. You’re perfect, Dan. Beyond perfect. But you shouldn’t have kissed me.”
He laughs, the sound bitter. “The way you’re acting makes me feel anything but perfect. Of all the things we’ve done, kissing was crossing the line?”
“It wasn’t just the kiss. But yes, it was crossing the line because it was physical. It scares me.”
Aside from sharing a bed and falling asleep in each other’s arms, we haven’t technically done anything sexual together . It’s all been from a distance and we’ve barely acknowledged any of it. Somehow, that distance and lack of acknowledgement has given me a sense of comfort, like I’m not truly crossing the line with Dan. There’s been a barrier between us and now that barrier is gone.
I love Dan and there’s a desperate need in me to give all of my mind and body over to him. It’s wrong and I wish I didn’t feel this way about Dan. I wish things were simple and I wasn’t filled with so much shame for loving him.
“I just need space to think. This scholarship has come out of the blue. We’ll talk in a few days, okay?” I zip up the suitcase and wheel it out of my room, right past Dan without looking at him to maintain my sanity.