15. Tyler
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
TYLER
“It’s nearly midnight. You should get some rest. I can take care of Harper,” I tell Felix.
We’re back at the Winslow penthouse in Manhattan, in Harper’s bedroom.
The room is dark, all but for a bedside lamp.
My brother holds Harper while she sleeps.
It’s the strangest sight as I stand at the foot of her four-poster bed.
For years, neither of them wanted anything to do with the other.
Now, they’re inseparable. Felix has refused to let her out of his arms.
Harper’s subconscious is clinging to Felix, not me. I wish she were clinging to me, but I’m not jealous. All I care about is taking her pain away. She’s lost her mother and I’m pleased she has a source of comfort.
Clara’s death doesn’t feel real for me yet. My grief is locked away somewhere I can’t reach, buried under the need to keep Harper together. I’ll grieve later, once everyone else is taken care of.
“I’m not leaving Harper,” Felix murmurs to prevent waking her. “She needs me.”
My brother hasn’t had a moment to himself, other than bathroom breaks.
It’s been three days since we lost Clara and he’s barely eaten or slept.
He’s constantly watching over Harper. I haven’t wanted to leave her side either, but I’ve checked on Thomas several times, along with preparing food for the four of us, regardless that no one has an appetite.
I keep replaying the events of that horrific day in my mind—ditching school and driving to the Hamptons midday, angry with Harper but so in love with her that I needed to fix things between us; arriving at the beach house, finding Thomas in ruins over the phone call he’d received about Clara’s accident; Harper collapsing when Thomas gave her the news.
Felix caught Harper before she hit the ground. He wouldn’t let go of her and rocked her in his arms as she wept. I don’t think she knew he was with her. She became unresponsive to anything anyone said. I felt so helpless. I still do.
Thomas was adamant that we immediately return to the city where he and Harper could be in their home. The only way I could make myself useful was by driving the four of us back to the city in my car.
I’ll never forget how disturbing the drive was, with Thomas distraught in the front passenger seat and Felix in the back, cradling Harper as she clung to him, sobbing.
“She should be clinging to you.” Felix nods at Harper asleep in his arms, drawing my thoughts back to the present. “What do you think this is about?”
“Harper has lost her mother. She’s lost you. At least she can still hold onto you. She’s afraid of losing you for good. She’s always wanted you back.”
“Then take it as a compliment. You’re the anchor in her life. You had a fight with her but she knows you two will always find your way back to each other. She doesn’t have that confidence in me.”
Harper curls into Felix’s chest. He strokes her hair and kisses her forehead.
Perhaps I should be mad at him, but I’m not.
I know there’s truth in his words about me and Harper.
The sight of them together offers me a sense of relief because I’ve wanted this, for the three of us to find our way back to the way things used to be.
I hope we can. I hope this isn’t a temporary connection between Harper and Felix during the initial loss of Clara.
“Do you think it’s safe to turn the music off?” I ask.
For the most part, I’ve tuned out the music, but the “Sleeping Beauty Waltz” has been on repeat for hours. Earlier in the day, I was searching for any means to soothe Harper and was surprised when the song worked.
It was Harper and Clara’s song, and now it’s heartbreaking.
“Keep the music on. Turn it down a little,” Felix says.
I adjust the volume then sit on the bed next to Harper, preparing for sleep and emptying the contents of my pockets on her bedside table.
Harper is well-loved at her ballet school, evident from the number of condolence bouquets scattered around her room.
Her friend Cindy dropped them off earlier, but only now am I noticing one bouquet in particular, sitting on Harper’s bedside table and with a note attached.
Harper,
I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. I’ll visit soon, beautiful.
Paul xox o
Just like the text message from him, he’s calling her beautiful and it stirs up something acidic in my chest. From the way I’ve had no issues with Felix holding Harper over these last few days, I thought I didn’t have it in me to feel jealous and possessive right now.
I was wrong. I don’t know who this Paul Ferguson guy is, but Harper is not his to call beautiful.
“Who’s Paul?” Felix asks.
I look over my shoulder at my brother, realizing his eyes are on Paul’s note.
“He’s who started the fight between me and Harper,” I mutter. “They went on a date. Though, she said it was to please her parents. She thinks they want her to marry him. Did you see him drop these flowers off?”
“They came from a delivery service,” he answers with disinterest. “Bro, fuck Paul. Don’t even think about him. He’s not getting anywhere near Harper.”
I nod, slightly eased from his response.
Still dressed from the day, I kick my shoes off and climb beneath the bedsheets with Harper and Felix, hugging Harper from behind. I could be making things weird with the three of us being in bed together like this. Given the circumstances, I doubt Felix will care.
“I can’t believe she’s gone.” Felix breaks the silence, keeping his voice low.
He sounds nothing like my brother, so lifeless and full of remorse.
“The last time I spoke to Clara, we got into an argument. I said some terrible things to her. Yet she was kind enough to give me a peace offering, the only photograph she owned of Mom. The gesture was too good of her. It made me realize that maybe I didn’t need to be so angry with Clara.
I sent her a message, telling her I wanted us to mend our relationship. I was too late, Tyler. ”
I’ve never seen my brother like this before. The pain in his voice is so raw that it worries me.
Felix closes his eyes tight and shakes his head.
“Clara wanted to help me, and I shut her out. I made her life harder. I don’t know what state of mind she was in when she drove off.
Was her driving impacted because of our fight?
I keep going over the events of that day.
If I hadn’t been cruel to her, perhaps she would have been more present while driving?—”
“Stop. This isn’t your fault.”
He scrunches a hand through his hair. “Whether it is or not, I fucked up. She was the one adult in my life who believed in me. It shouldn’t have taken her death for me to realize how much I… wasted my time with her.”
My eyes prick with heat. Felix has never used the word love to describe his feelings for anyone or anything. I suspect it makes him feel stronger.
Hearing the strain in his voice as he speaks about Clara, I know some part of him loved her, even if he can’t admit it.
I curl a lock of Harper’s red hair around my finger. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
“There’s nothing to say. How are you coping with her passing? You were closer with Clara than I was.”
“It feels surreal. I’ve been so focused on Harper that I haven’t had time to process anything.”
“Have Dan and Killian been told yet?”
Our brothers will be saddened by the news, but they haven’t spent much time with Clara in recent years.
“My guess is Dad told them,” I say.
I’ve spoken with our father on the phone.
He offered his condolences to Thomas and told me and Felix to return home to give the Winslows their space to grieve.
Surprisingly, Thomas asked us to stay. He’s in no headspace to properly support Harper and appreciates us being here for her.
Our father has excused me and Felix from attending school for the next few days while we take care of Harper.
“We should sleep.” Felix reaches for the bedside lamp.
“Felix—” I say before he has a chance to turn the light off.
He pauses and looks back at me. I choose my words carefully, unsure of how he’ll take them.
“I know you and Harper have your differences, but once this initial grieving stage passes, promise me you won’t leave her again.
You’re important to her, regardless of whatever she says.
I can see how important she is to you too. ”
He looks down at Harper and strokes her pale cheek.
Everything I’ve said feels counterintuitive for the future I was so set on having with Harper.
Maybe I’ll regret it later, but not right now.
Deep down, I’ve never truly wanted this relationship to be just me and Harper.
The way Felix and I are holding Harper in bed feels like it used to, when we were children. I know he feels it too.
“She’s ours, Felix, and we need to take care of her.”
His hand pauses on Harper’s cheek. His eyes flick to me, questioning. Perhaps a little taken aback.
Without giving me a response, Felix switches off the bedside lamp, leaving the three of us in complete darkness to fall asleep. I’m left wondering if I said the wrong thing. If I’ve made things strange between me and Felix.
After a few minutes of stillness, when I think I’m the only one awake, Felix speaks. “Tyler, I don’t think I could leave Harper even if I tried.”