Chapter 5 Harper
CHAPTER FIVE
HARPER
I leave the confines of my guest bedroom, desperate to salvage the connection Felix and I found last night. I need him to look at me again with the love I saw in his eyes.
My thighs clench, remembering the sex, how even after all we’ve suffered apart, we fit together perfectly. This man turns me feral and I don’t know how I’ve survived without him.
At the same time, my chest flutters with nerves, knowing I could see Tyler any moment. Today will be the first time we’ve spoken since our breakup. I miss him so much but am unsure what to expect from him. Has he missed me too or has he decided we’re better off apart?
What if he has a date for the party? My stomach churns at the thought. It makes me sick to think of Tyler being with anyone other than me. He’s mine, and yet he’s not.
My feet come to a firm stop when I turn a corner and see Dan and Ally making out against the wall. He has one hand around her thigh, playing with the lace of her dress. The other threads through her blond hair, twirling the pink ribbon she always wears.
“Do you two ever stop kissing?” I groan, teasing them.
They both look my way, laughing at my comment, though neither of them steps away from the other.
They’re not ashamed of their relationship, which pleases me.
Every time I see them together, they’re finding some way to be intimate, whether it’s as simple as holding hands or sitting next to each other.
Dan can never take his eyes off Ally. He’s so in love. They both are.
The things Ally tells me about her life with Dan… Their history. Their love. The sex… I’m so happy for her. Both of them deserve all the happiness in the world.
Their relationship also makes me ache for what I don’t have.
“Sorry to interrupt. I’m looking for Felix. Have either of you seen him?”
“Try the back porch.” Dan rests his forearm on the wall above Ally’s head. “Amabella is serving breakfast.”
His voice gives me butterflies, almost identical to Tyler’s.
They look so similar. Handsome and charming.
But it’s more than just the dark hair and eyes they have in common.
I often recognize mannerisms in Dan that Tyler has, like the shape of their smile and how it slants to the left. Or the way they laugh.
Tyler doesn’t laugh much anymore. He used to be lighthearted and playful. He hasn’t been that person for a long time. Taking over his father’s business in hotel development has worn him down, along with the absence of Felix.
As teenagers, they had a brotherly pact to open a speakeasy. Felix went ahead with the plans on his own. I’ve never visited his venue, knowing I wasn’t welcome. I don’t know a thing about the speakeasy. Not even its name. I don’t ask Tyler questions about the place since it’s a sore topic for him.
Although I’ve forgiven Tyler for the many truths he had to keep from me surrounding the cover-up of Paul Ferguson’s death, and although I don’t blame him for the loss of Felix in my life, I don’t think he’s ever stopped feeling guilty.
Nor do I think he’s ever stopped worrying about the truth of Paul’s death surfacing.
Neither of us have ever fully recovered from the traumatic repercussions of Paul’s death. Once we lost Felix and the baby, I threw myself into ballet to cope, as did Tyler with college and taking over Josh’s business. But we’ve never truly been happy in our relationship without Felix.
Tyler has become withdrawn. He used to be close with all his brothers.
Since the rift between him and Felix, he tells me he feels like an outcast. I’ve always worried about his wellbeing, even wondered if he’s depressed.
I’ve asked him to speak to a therapist for help, if he won’t speak to me.
He says there’s no point seeking help, not when he can’t talk openly about the root of all his problems—Paul’s death.
I miss the Tyler I fell in love with at eighteen. I miss him as my best friend and how happy we used to be when Felix was with us.
Three months ago, Dan proposed to Ally, triggering the break between me and Tyler. It was a mutual agreement, though he initiated it. Their happiness was a moment of deep reflection for us. Though we’ll always love each other, things just weren’t working.
Not one day has passed where I haven’t missed Tyler. He means everything to me. But there’s a hard truth we both finally acknowledged.
Tyler and I don’t work without Felix.
We’re on an indefinite break until Felix... if Felix ever accepts us back. That’s our goal, to be a trio again.
“Are you okay?” Ally asks me, linking hands with Dan.
The sadness of my thoughts must be reflected on my face. I smile and nod. “I’m fine. Just wishing your fiancé didn’t look like a clone of one of the men I’m in love with.”
“Harper—” Ally calls as soon as I walk off. “Tell me the truth. Is being my bridesmaid too much for you? You’re not on good terms with two of the three groomsmen. I feel guilty for placing you in an awkward situation.”
“I love awkward situations.”
She laughs but there’s hesitation in her smile.
Aside from Josh, Ally and Dan are the only people who know about my history with Felix and Tyler.
I filled them in on the details, leaving out information about Paul’s murder.
Dan has always been like a little brother to me.
I’ve known Ally ever since she became one of the Blackwood children.
We’ve never been close until these last two years. Now, she’s my best girlfriend.
I’ll be proud to stand next to her when she exchanges vows with Dan. I’m excited to help Ally plan her wedding. After everything the two have fought through to be together, I want to see them happily married.
The members in the wedding party will make this an interesting experience for me. Felix is Dan’s best man. Tyler and Killian are groomsmen. I’ll be in close quarters with my ex-boyfriends over these next two months, which I’m sure would be hell for most people.
But I want it so badly.
I’m desperate to be around Felix and Tyler even if it’s painful.
“Ally, nothing will prevent me from being your bridesmaid. Your engagement party will be incredible. It will be all about you and Dan, as it should be. I won’t let any of my personal issues interfere. This is what sisters and friends are for.”
“Stop,” she laughs. “You’re going to make me cry.”
Once leaving Ally and Dan’s side, I continue my search for Felix. The Blackwood beach house and its grounds are massive; it could take a while to find him.
Glancing out the window, I catch sight of the wedding planner in the garden, overseeing the setup of tonight’s party. A marquee is being built. Florists are transporting dozens of roses, and caterers are dressing tables. The weather is perfect, being early September.
The engagement party will be an extravagant affair, but intimate. Ally and Dan don’t want a circus. No reporters. This isn’t to be a public event. All their wedding celebrations are reserved for close family and friends. It’s perfect and is exactly them.
The Blackwoods, as founders of Forever Families, are in the media a lot and not always in a positive light. Over the years, the four brothers have been scrutinized for reckless partying and gambling. More recently, it’s been the scandal of Ally and Dan’s relationship.
If the media thinks those two are scandalous, they’d have a field day knowing the relationship that took place between me, Felix, and Tyler.
The three of us have always remained a secret, originally because I was ashamed of the relationship ruining my image.
But after enduring the amount of heartbreak I’ve lived through, appearances mean nothing to me anymore.
I couldn’t care less about my reputation.
I should care about my reputation, having achieved the career of my dreams. As a prima ballerina representing the most prestigious ballet company in the country, I’m supposed to act a certain way to uplift the company.
But the public side of me—the sweetheart of ballet—is all for show. It brings surface level pleasure.
True happiness, truly being myself, that’s all I’m seeking in this world. The only time I’ve experienced either of those things was when Felix and Tyler were mine.
I need them both in my life, no matter what it takes.
Once I’m downstairs and in the kitchen, I spot Felix on the back porch. Every time I see him, he’s dressed impeccably, in a style straight out of the 1920s. He’s always wearing tailored suits and gold cufflinks, with the chain of a pocket watch hanging from his breast pocket.
This morning, he’s more casual, without a jacket, and his collar loose.
The sleeves of his white dress shirt are rolled to his elbows, revealing tattoos along his forearms. His blond hair is slicked back.
Felix is the one Blackwood brother who stands out among the others, his light hair setting him apart from their darker features.
He’s sitting alone with his stepmother, the two of them having breakfast. Amabella is beautiful, as always.
She’s wearing a floral sundress. Even this early in the day, her blond hair is perfectly curled.
She’s only about a decade older than Felix but has always been maternal with him.
When Amabella married Josh, not only did she seek out a motherly bond with all four of his sons, but me too. She’s lovely.
Right before I step out to the porch and make myself known, Amabella pours two glasses of water and broaches a topic that makes me pause.
“Are you bringing a date to the party tonight?”
Felix rolls his eyes. “Only if you’re ready to leave Dad for me.”
She swats his arm and laughs. “Oh, stop it. Fine, I’ll take the hint to stay out of your love life.”
I smile to myself. A bittersweet memory finds me, of Felix teasing my mother like this. I wish we all had more time with her.
He was angry with my mom, but I know he loved her and regrets not fixing his relationship with her before she died. I’m glad he’s embraced Amabella.
“It would make me so happy to see you with a girlfriend,” she continues.
“And it would make me so happy if you finally accepted the chemistry between us.”
I laugh a little too loud. They both turn and see me through the window, but only Amabella smiles.
“Harper, darling. Join us for breakfast.” She stands from the table, greeting me with a hug as I join them on the porch. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yes. I had a great sleep.”
The sound is quiet, but I hear Felix groan at my comment, which confirms my suspicion he still has an issue with me.
Before I take a seat, Josh arrives at breakfast in billowy white cottons, giving his wife a good morning kiss.
“Felix. Harper.” He nods to us. “Eat up. We’ve all got a big day ahead of us.”
I have mixed feelings toward Josh. He saved Felix from prison and I’ll always be grateful to him for doing so.
He was supportive of me and Tyler when I got pregnant at eighteen.
Since marrying Amabella, he’s become a family man.
He’s even tried to act like a father figure to me since my dad passed away five years ago.
He’s very active with Forever Families. But regardless of all the good Josh has done, he still aided the downfall of my relationship with Felix and Tyler. Deep within me, I do resent him.
As I pull out a chair to sit, Amabella clutches my wrist, eager. “Oh, Harper. Tyler arrived early this morning. He brought a beautiful bouquet of roses for you. They’re waiting for you in the living room.”
Excitement radiates through me. Nerves too. Tyler is here and he brought roses for me. The flowers have to be a good sign.
“Relationships can be difficult,” Amabella says. “But I believe you and Tyler will get back together. You’re made for each other. I know how in love you two still are.”
My smile is tight. I don’t respond, wanting to kill the Tyler conversation while Felix is present. But the damage is already done. Felix’s chair scrapes against the ground and he abruptly stands from the table.
“Felix, can we talk?” I ask.
“I need to make a phone call.”
He’s already back inside the house by the time I chase after him. He enters a hallway of doors leading to the library. I catch up, darting in front of him and blocking his path.
Felix glances down at me coldly. “Yes, Harper?”
“You left before I woke up.”
“Entering your room last night was a weakness. A mistake. Amabella proved my point just now. You’ll always be caught up with Tyler.”
“Bullshit. You don’t make love to someone like that if it was a mistake.”
He laughs but the sound is cruel. “We didn’t make love. I needed to get you out of my system. Simple as that. The truth is, Harper, you’re messy. I don’t do messy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have business to attend to. Go find your lapdog.”
I’m speechless as he leaves. Angry. So fucking angry at myself for believing things could be different between us.
Footsteps approach, followed by Ally and Dan’s voices. Not wanting them to see me emotional, I rush into the closest bathroom, gasping when I realize it’s already occupied.
Tyler is standing in front of me, completely naked as he steps out of the shower.