Chapter 21 #2
“When this marriage began, I told you that all I wished for was a marriage of convenience. I spun you a line about expectation, butting heads with a life I had come to enjoy. I made it seem that the reason I wished for a distant marriage was because of who I am, that I did not want to give up my old life. That of a…” He grimaced. “Well, not a very nice fellow.”
She snorted. “That is one way of saying it.”
“It was hard for me to reckon with this,” he continued, stepping deeper into the room.
“That first night especially, I was at pains to control myself. Again, the attraction I found for you…” His eyes flicked over her, pausing on her lips.
“I wanted nothing more than to take you in my arms that night and make you my wife.”
“But you didn’t,” she said softly, as if with regret.
“I abstained,” he agreed. “And the reason was that I was scared…” He winced with shame.
“I feared that if you and I… if there was more to this marriage than we originally anticipated, it would grow into something else. That we might learn to…” He laughed awkwardly, for he could not believe what he was about to say.
“That we might develop feelings for one another.”
She frowned at the admittance. “And that is such a bad thing?”
“I thought so,” he admitted pathetically. “And it was made worse after the Marlow garden party. It was just a single evening, but you saw a side of me – I saw a side of you. It became clear to me that my original fears were justified, which was why I pulled away.”
“Yes…” She bit her lip as she studied him; there was a sense of anger behind her eyes, and he knew why. “You have told me this already. Nothing you are saying is new. But it changes nothing. Not until you tell me why.”
“That is why I am here.”
“Oh…” She blinked in surprise. “You… why? Why then?”
“You are going to think it is stupid.”
She laughed. “Likely. But…” She considered and then rose from the chair.
She did not go to him, but that she was standing suggested that she was at least open to hearing the truth.
“But I need to hear it, Sebastian. What is more, I sense that you need to say it. Something tells me that you have been fighting this for some time, and me?” She shook her head.
“I am just unlucky enough to find myself in the middle.”
He could not help but smile. “I haven’t made it easy, have I?”
She snorted. “That is an understatement.”
He could feel the tension easing between them. He could sense her slowly coming closer, wanting to hear the words and accept them – that dim hope that whatever he told her would explain his situation, and from that they could fix the tear that existed between them.
And I need to believe it too. It is time that I finally left the past where it belongs.
“When you found my mother’s room last week, you asked me why,” he began solemnly. “Why I would keep a room like that. Why I would not decorate the house with her things as any son would surely do.”
“I remember,” she said. “I just assumed… not all sons have close relationships with their mother.”
He smiled. “I did. I loved my mother deeply. She was not just my mother, but my protector. In my eyes, a more perfect woman did not exist. Even my father…” His lips curled.
“As cruel a man as existed, but even he could not help but be taken by her spell. She died when I was fourteen, and that room…” He shook his head.
“I suppose it keeps me from remembering.”
“You don’t want to remember her?”
“I don’t want to remember what happened after she died,” he said.
Then, he took a step closer to Margot, and she did not move back.
“My father was always cruel, but he and my mother did love each other, and I never realized how their love kept him in check. I had always assumed that he was miserable, but I know now that his love for her gave him a reason to live. It kept him sane.”
Her expression turned pained. “And then she…” She swallowed. “She passed?”
He nodded sadly. “It broke him. It shattered him. It turned him from a cruel man into a monster. My father was never one to show emotions, so rather than grieving as one might, he turned his wrath on me. He acted as if her death was my fault…”
“Oh, Sebastian…” She took a step toward him.
“I hated my father,” he said. “And I hated what my mother’s death did to him.
Maybe a part of me blamed her. I am not sure.
Regardless, it made me realize that love…
as glorious as it can be, can be just as deadly.
” A shake of the head as the words tumbled from his mouth, as the truth finally came out.
“I wanted nothing to do with it. Nothing to do with my father – he always insisted that I wed. But I spurned him, partly to thumb my nose at him, partly because deep down I did not want to suffer as he had done.”
She was looking at him as if seeing him for the first time. “That is why…”
“I ran from love out of fear…” Another step closer, so they were less than three feet apart. “The fear that, as wonderful as love might be, it was fleeting. That it would leave me, and I would turn into my father.” A bitter chuckle. “The irony being that by running from it, I have become him.”
“No, Sebastian. You are not evil.”
“Not evil,” he said with a sigh. “But alone. That was what tore at my father, as it does me. I have been alone for so long, telling myself I am happy, knowing that I am not. But I am sick of it, Margot. I am sick of pretending. I am sick of…” The words caught in his throat.
“Of what?” she pressed him gently as she closed the gap between them.
Their eyes met, and slowly he reached for her hand, taking it. It was warm, and he felt that warmth spread up his arm as if giving him life. He met her eyes, saw the shine in them, felt it touch at his heart, and he knew then that his words had landed. That it is not too late…
“I am sick of being alone. Love might cause pain one day. It might lead to ruin. But what does that matter if, for even a short time, I am allowed to be happy? Is that not worth it?”
She was smiling, and her eyes were glistening. “A month ago, I would have said no. But lately…” She shook her head, and her smile grew. “I have started to wonder the same thing.”
“I am sorry.” He took her other hand. They faced one another.
“For everything. I understand if you don’t want to hear it.
I will not hold that against you. But you deserve to know the truth.
And now that you do…” He smiled awkwardly, still unsure what she might say.
“If you want to keep things as they are, I understand. But if you wish to try for something more, well… times are that I might be open to it.”
She frowned playfully. “Are you suggesting that people change?”
He laughed. “It has been known to happen.”
“I have yet to see it.”
“Shall I prove it to you?”
She tilted her head, her eyes flashing. “And how might you do that?”
The time for words had come and gone. Sebastian had spoken his truth. Margot had heard it, accepted it, and seemed to want the same as he did. And as they stood looking at one another, holding hands, their hearts seeming to beat as one, Sebastian knew what he had to do.
He pulled her into him, pressed his body against her own, and planted a passionate kiss on her lips. And unsurprisingly, she kissed him right back.
It was a kiss unlike any Sebastian had ever had.
Beyond mere lips pressing together. Beyond the amorous.
It was… the right feeling. It felt natural in a way he could not explain.
A kiss that was so overdue and so needed by both that he felt his entire body tingle as if life itself was being breathed into him.
His hands moved to her face and cupped it. Her hands took his waist and held him. And for a few perfect seconds, they kissed, showing the other not only how much they cared but how much they were willing to work for this marriage. Finally.
Once they parted, Sebastian found himself beaming. “So… you forgive me?”
She laughed. “I am starting to.”
He smiled awkwardly, taking her hands again. “What… what happens now?”
“I am not sure,” she said with more laughter. “But I am excited to find out.”
“As am I.” He squeezed her hands, and that urge to kiss her again took hold.
To lift her and carry her to the bed and make her his wife, as he had wanted to do since they married.
And was it with anyone else, he would have done just that.
Only this felt different, and Sebastian was determined to treat it as such. “I think we should take things slow.”
She scoffed. “Do you know the meaning of the word?”
“What I mean is… I am often one to rush into things…” His hand cupped her face again so she could not look away. “But with you, there is no need. Tomorrow, let us have breakfast and spend the day together. Prove what we both know.”
“And what is that?”
“That this marriage will not be a complete and utter tragedy.”
She laughed and rolled her eyes. “Here’s hoping.”
“Good…” It was hard to do, but Sebastian stepped back from her. “Now, do not take this to mean anything, but I need to go.”
“Wh – what? You do?”
He sighed. “Business, I am afraid. Lord Livingston, he insisted that I meet with him tonight to sign some papers.”
A shadow passed behind her eyes, which he assumed to be sadness at him leaving. “Papers? What… to do with what?”
“Nothing to concern yourself with. A loan, as part of a greater business deal, is in the middle of boring stuff, truly. But tomorrow…” He stepped into her again, wanting to kiss her and never stop. “Tomorrow, things will be different, Margot. I promise.”
She was frowning, her expression pained, again, he assumed, because she did not wish to see him go. “As you say.”
It was hard to leave her, made easier because Sebastian knew that tomorrow would bring better days. Already I am looking forward to spending the day with my wife… and the next… and the one after that. Honestly, what was I even worried about?
He laughed as he left the manor, shaking his head, beaming the whole while. He had hidden from the truth his entire life, and now that it was behind him, he could not wait to see what all the fuss was about where love and happiness were concerned. Hopefully, it would be everything that people said.
Seeing as it is with Margot, I cannot imagine that it won’t be.