21. Xaden
TWENTY-ONE
Xaden
Bullets zing past, landing in walls and kevlar and flesh. I can hear the distant rumblings of shouts and explosions.
But I can’t stop. The job isn’t done. We need to take out the target and then evacuate.
Lights flash over my eyes from the building across from me. I’m blinded momentarily, nearly losing my balance as I perch on the edge of a step.
This stairwell is the best viewpoint to see across the wide space between these two crumbling buildings. Still, the stairwell here is shoddy, and as I stumble ever so slightly from the light, a chunk crumbles off.
Thud!
The landing is too loud, and after a moment, I hear footsteps rushing toward my location from the exterior west wall. That’s not my men.
I need to move. I need to take out the target before I’m caught.
Gunshots echo below me. They’re coming. I’m going to miss this chance. I’m going…die.
“No!”
I shoot up in bed, disoriented and trying to piece together where I am. There’s a soft bed beneath me. I’m not in the field. I haven’t been for years. It was a dream.
A nightmare.
My pulse is still racing, and I’m struggling to slow down my breathing. Dammit. Come on, breathe, Xaden.
Gripping the sheets, I process more of where I am.
I’m home. We went to bed a little while ago. Daisy had a fun day with Ivy at the park. We ate dinner. I have been home all day.
There’s no mission. There’s no target.
“Hey,” comes a small voice from next to me, and I look down, finding Ivy sitting up in the bed, “are you okay?”
I’m almost not able to answer, too happy and shocked that she’s there—that she’s real.
“I’m…shit. I’m sorry. I had a, umm, nightmare.”
She pulls herself into a better seat, laying her hand on my arm as she offers a sympathetic smile.
“Oh, no. I’m sorry. But hey, you’re not there. You’re home. You’re safe.”
I know that she’s saying the words because that’s what a child would want to hear after a bad dream. But the truth is, I still appreciate it.
It’s hard to remember where I am right now, and I do need to hear that I’m safe, that I’m not where I thought I was.
Shakily, I let out a long exhale, calling on my therapeutic training to slow down my nervous system.
Reset yourself. Take a breath. Breathing actually signals the parasympathetic nervous system. It helps. Come on. You can do it .
Ivy stays quiet as I regulate myself, but she doesn’t leave the situation. She’s still totally checked in, watching my reactions and holding my eyes as she strokes her thumb across my skin.
The tension recedes, and I’m able to nod at her, letting her know that the worst is over.
“Thank you.” I close my eyes for a moment, taking one more deep breath. “I’m alright.”
“Was it about your time serving?” she asks gently.
Ivy’s picked up on the clues as we’ve gotten to know each other, spotting the photos of me in uniform and hearing me mention it briefly. While I haven’t been as forthcoming as I should be, Ivy at least knows that, yes, I was a SEAL.
And yes, it was…rough.
I nod. “Yeah. A, umm, a mission I was on. It was one of the handful that didn’t go well.”
Ivy scoots closer, reaching up her hands to cup either side of my face. “You’re here.”
I nod again, closing my eyes as I focus on the feeling of her touch on my cheeks.
After a moment, Ivy drags her hands away only to take mine. She squeezes gently, and I look down at her and find a mournful smile of support.
“Do you want to talk about it? Get it out of your head?”
She’s offered before, and I’ve never taken her up on it. Still, maybe it’s time to just…let go a little, unburden.
“We were set to take out a target. I was stationed in the building across from the target’s location. I made a mistake. A small one. But it was loud, attracted attention, and the opposition heard. They converged on my location, and I had to think fast. I…”
The words get stuck, and I have to clear my throat, shaking my head. This memory has haunted me quite a bit. It’s right up there with the worst days in the field.
“When you have to move that fast, you don’t take as much time to assess the threat. You just end anything that could keep you from your mission or affect your safety. I had to…there was a lot firing that day.”
“I’m so sorry, Xaden. I know it doesn’t really help, and I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, but you were doing what you had to. You’re not a bad man.”
I scoff, wincing immediately afterward and pulling Ivy’s hands closer to my chest.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to dismiss you. I appreciate what you’re saying. I do. It’s just…I may be a good man, but I did terrible things trying to serve that goal. I regret them.”
Ivy’s eyes go glassy, and it’s weirdly touching to know that she cares as much as she does. I haven’t felt supported like this—by someone who isn’t a trained professional—in so long.
“I understand what you mean. I can’t say I know what you’re going through exactly, but I do know what it’s like to be forced into a situation you hate. I’m really sorry that happened to you.”
I’m a big enough person to admit that her words choke me up, and it takes several moments before I can speak again.
“Thank you. It was…I lost my friends, Ivy. I saw them killed in front of me. But I never would have met them if I hadn’t joined. There were these moments—these brief windows of happiness that shined so damn bright—that sit tangled up in my mind with the horrors I saw.
When Maeve got pregnant, she asked me to leave the SEALs. I didn’t hesitate. I was so ready to get out, but I never told her that. She thought she was asking something huge of me. I never told anyone but the shrink that I had been thinking about retiring for months.”
Ivy lifts up onto her knees, putting her forehead on mine as she takes my face again.
“You shouldn’t have to pretend like that, and I hope you know that you don’t have to do that around me.” She kisses me, wrapping her arms around my neck. “Thank you. For telling me.”
I’m frozen for just a moment, and then my arms are around Ivy, and I’m holding onto her with everything I have.
“Thanks for listening.” I bury my nose in the crook of her neck, breathing in Ivy’s sweet scent. “You’re amazing.”
She laughs a little, but when she moves to sit back down, I keep her close, kissing her throat and shoulder. Ivy feels real and solid in my arms, and I can’t explain it, but I need that right now.
I need it so damn much.
When she cranes to get face to face with me, Ivy’s brows are knitted together. I kiss the crease there, smoothing it away with my lips.
Her breath drifts over my skin as she sighs, and I travel my caresses down to her mouth, claiming her in a kiss that’s pointed and purposeful.
Adjusting her so that she straddles my lap, I let myself feel her weight over me, the softness of her flesh on mine. A gentle hum escapes her as I move my lips down to her throat again.
“Xaden…I…”
“Please, Ivy,” I whisper, punctuating my words with still more kisses across her neck, “I need this.”
Meeting her eyes for a moment, I see the conflict there, but then it shifts, and Ivy smiles softly. She nods at me, both her hands on my face, and then she kisses me—deep and slow and powerful.
Everything with Ivy is incredible, but there’s something about this particular experience that hits me differently. We move in a natural slow wave, comfortably rocking in an ocean of sensation and stillness.
Our lips tangle into infinite kisses, only separating when I move to lift her shirt over her head and when she helps me do the same.
Nothing is hurried, and the movements get both of us stripped of clothing, protection in place, and pressed back to each other—where we belong.
Ivy straddles me once more, lowering herself onto me. I slip inside, greeted by a perfect warmth that I will never tire of. She moans gently, and we wrap around each other so there’s not an inch between us.
Our lips dance as our hips do, creating a measured rhythm of nearly unbearable circles and lifts. It’s all so intense with my awareness of each movement.
Ivy’s body yields to mine so beautifully, but it demands just as much as it takes—a back-and-forth of giving and receiving.
Her breasts shift against my chest as she rises and falls, welcoming my length with each descent. I can’t get enough of her—the feelings, the steady calm she offers, the perfect way I fit inside her.
This is not the frenzy of before, but it’s not any less incredible. It’s also impossible for me to deny that Ivy has penetrated the wall I kept around my heart, finding a home there.
I’m…falling for her—so damn hard.
Sensations peak as I thrust up into Ivy’s warmth, her walls clenching around me as she tips over the edge. She clings onto me as the orgasm washes over her, and the rhythmic pulses of her core encourage my own release.
“Xade.” The soft plea is a whisper, but it shoots right to the center of my being.
Burying my face in her neck again, I hold her pressed to me so very tight, sheathed up to the hilt inside her.
“Ivy.”
It’s all I can manage, but the word contains everything I’m not saying.
I find her lips again, kissing her as I rock my hips, and she rolls hers. I explore her mouth, our tongues entwining as I thrust intensely—one, two, three times, and then I’m there.
The climax hits me like lightning, and I empty myself until there’s nothing left.
It’s perfection, and even more so because as the crescendoing sensations back down, Ivy still surrounds me. We fall asleep like that, tangled with each other, and it’s the best I’ve slept in years.