17. Seventeen
Seventeen
Abi
What the hell was going on?
One minute I was pissed that Cash was calling me out on my walls, the next I was looking in his eyes, studying every drop of brown that was there, hoping he would keep talking. Hoping that I could get some more of his walls down. And maybe scoot a little closer to me. So, what did I do? I moved closer to him. The feeling was there even through the light conversation. The butterflies flew like crazy in my stomach, and I could have sworn he was going to kiss me. The way his eyes kept moving to my lips and how his breaths became short and shaky…something was going through his mind that he was forcing himself to ignore. And then he had to go and say he was there for Stetson and me, and then he had to touch me.
One simple touch threw me off. One simple touch sent a buzz through my skin that I felt all through me.
But this feeling shouldn’t be here.
He was Sylas’s best friend. My dead husband's best friend.
With my chin down, I pulled myself into a run. I put as much distance between Cash and myself as I could, heading straight to the main house.
I passed Wyatt as I barreled in the front door, ignoring his, “Hey! I was just heading to the stable,” as I said a silent prayer that Kyla was in the kitchen. If she wasn’t, I was about to get a run in for the day in the quarter mile to their cabin. Thankfully, Rhett’s voice came floating down the hall, followed by a laugh from Kyla.
“I need your wife,” I said, almost out of breath, resting my hands on the counter.
Rhett raised his eyebrows. “Hey, Abs.”
Abs?
Rhett never called me Abs. I was Sis or just Abi. The only one who called me Abs was Cash.
“I don’t have much time, and I need to talk to Kyla,” I said again quickly, still trying to catch my breath from my run.
Rhett’s lips formed a soft smile, and his jaw moved. He situated next to his wife, getting comfortable against the counter as he crossed his ankles and folded his arms. His expression told me he wasn’t leaving.
“You wanna be here for this?” I sternly asked, giving him a knowing glare that I was hoping would cause him to leave.
“Always.” He grinned.
Letting out a deep breath, I pretended Rhett wasn’t in the room, and I let everything out. “I think I’m spiraling or something because I can’t keep my emotions in check when it comes to a certain person who’s showed up on the ranch, and I need you to talk me out of doing something stupid and remind me that I hate him.”
Kyla’s brow raised. “You want me to remind you that you hate Cash?”
“I didn’t say this was about Cash,” I bit back defensively.
“Who else has shown up at the ranch?” Rhett muttered under his breath.
I let out a long groan. “I really want you to leave.” I looked over at him, giving him a silent plea.
Instead, my brother shook his head and wrapped his arm around Kyla. “Not a chance.”
Closing my eyes, I held them tight and tried to form the words that were going through my mind. It had been an odd past few days—starting with the damn embrace. A simple hug.
“It was when he hugged you.” Kyla’s soft voice basically told me she was reading my mind. “I knew it was more than a hug between friends.”
“And it stirred my brain. I haven’t had that kind of…” I trailed off. I didn’t want to use the word love when it came to Cash. With the way he held me, the way he looked at me, the things he did and said the past forty-eight hours…it almost felt right.
“I give you hugs,” Rhett teased, a small pout on his lips.
“You’re just as bad as my son when it comes to pouting.” I put my hands on my hips.
“Rhett.” Kyla glared at her husband.
“I’m just teasing my kid sister.” He chuckled, his hand sliding down Kyla’s back.
“Now’s not the time,” she hissed at him.
“Ok, fine. See you soon?” Rhett pushed himself off the counter, kissing Kyla on the cheek and accepting her small nod, before leaving through the back door.
I waited until the door was shut before I let out the breath I didn’t know was lodged in my chest.
“Are you ok?” she asked, her voice soft—caring—almost like a mother.
“I’m really tired of people asking me that,” I admitted.
“Who else has asked you that?”
“Since Stetson pulled his disappearing act?” I raised an eyebrow at her.
“OK, fair. But seriously, what’s going on?”
“Would you believe me if I said I didn’t know?”
“Yes,” Kyla said simply. “But I think you need to elaborate.”
If only I knew how to.
Taking a deep breath, I willed the words to form.
I told her everything. Cash and Sylas being friends, how we met, how he and Stetson were close, and how he was basically a part of the family. I even told her every detail about Carolyn and how she never accepted us though we tried. The entire time I spoke, I circled the kitchen, my hands moving and my breaths unsteady as they both tried to catch up with my mind. It was a rapid fire of information, but Kyla listened. I hadn’t told this story in so long, no one really truly knew the details, yet here I was pouring it all out in the open, the weight of it all lifting from my shoulders and being replaced with something else…a different weight. One I still wasn’t sure I wanted to feel.
“He was here you know…the day Sylas died.” I forced my voice to calm as Kyla’s eyes widened, but I carried on, almost like nothing could stop me from word vomiting all over. “When he fell off the bull Cash was the one to call 911, and he was the one who came to the hospital with Wyatt and me. He was the one to tell me Sylas was gone.” I inhaled, my hands doing the motion of ‘breathe in, breathe out,’ before I began again.
“And then…” I placed my hands on the island once more to steady myself and looked at Kyla. “Well, he vanished. He didn’t answer any of my phone calls, none of my texts, and he stopped coming by. Suddenly, two of the most important people in my life were gone, and all I could do was pour myself into this ranch and being a mom to stop thinking about losing my husband and my friend. I couldn’t be sad. The only one who ever saw me break was Wyatt, and even then, it was once at the hospital. But that’s why he’s not keen on Cash—he saw the hurt he caused, and he saw how I broke.”
“Abi,” Kyla’s soft voice carried in the air between us. I simply waved her off.
“It’s okay. If anything, pretending to move on helped me…move on.” I rolled my eyes at myself. “I mean, I haven’t because I’m still pouring myself into the ranch, but then when I finally feel like I’m getting a hold of thing, he appears. And Kyla…”
“You hate him.”
“Yes. No.” I groaned. “I don’t know. I love having my old friend back. I want to let him in and go back to how things were. And now, my stomach will flip when I see him, and I’m not quite sure what to do with that feeling. So, I remind myself that he’s telling me I can call him, I can text him that he never left, but then I do call him, and he doesn’t answer. I text him and he never looks at the message. Then he shows up in the stable right when Stetson needs him, and I can’t be mad because he’s comforting my son and then he helps me find the damn horse and just knows exactly what to say to push my buttons and then he gives me these looks…” At this point I was rambling—no periods or commas needed here. I couldn’t stop the words from falling from my lips. I still didn’t know how to piece everything together. I never had issues voicing my emotions. Or was that because I never voiced them? I bit my bottom lip to shut myself up. “I want to be mad at him,” I said once I finally caught my bearings. “But it’s very hard to be. Kyla, I cannot control my emotions right now, and I need you to tell me to hate him so it can go back to normal.”
Kyla’s eyes met mine for a moment, her brows furrowed as the worried expression took over her face. “Abi, have you ever considered seeing a therapist?”
I jerked back. “That’s not going to help me right now . I need you to tell me to stop.”
“I see a therapist, and it helps. She’s helped me deal with what happened with David and get grounding exercises. She’s even seen Rhett and me a few times and—”
“Kyla,” I interrupted her. “I’m not against therapy, I just don’t need therapy.”
“I’m a firm believer that everyone can benefit from therapy.” Her eyes met mine once more, compassion flooding them. “Abi, I can’t be the one to tell you to hate him. There’s a lot to unpack there—Sylas, Cash showing up, these new feelings—”
I waved a hand in front of her again. “No, no new feelings are there—just—tell me to hate him.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think I can do that Abi.”
“Why not?”
“Because…you’re saying things that make me think you don’t hate him, that there are new feelings whether you like it or not.”
“Like…” I edged her on, hoping she’d enlighten me.
“Your stomach flips? You love that he’s here. He’s there for Stetson and says all the right things…”
I shook my head rapidly. She had a point, one that I wasn’t ready to accept. “I just hate feeling this way. I don’t like being angry.”
“Then don’t be mad at him anymore.” Kyla leaned against the counter.
“It’s not that simple,” I muttered.
“It could be. Cash seems like an amazing man. He cares about the ranch, he’s helping without being paid. He adores Stetson, and I can tell by the way he looks at you that he missed you, too. Maybe he’s not sure how to respond to your messages, or maybe he’s just as confused as you are. So maybe….don’t be mad at him anymore.”
“That simple?”
Kyla shrugged her shoulder. She rounded the island and pulled me into a side hug. “You are the sunshine to the ranch, even if you are hiding something deeper that we are unaware of. You’re not one to hold grudges. You’re the one who takes the reins and pushes through no matter what. Take the reins here, talk through all these emotions—I’m here if you need to vent—and decide if you want Cash in your life for a while, or for a season. Either way it works…but that stomach flip?”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m trying to ignore that.”
Kyla let out a small chuckle. “Which is fine, but it really could be that simple to not be mad at him anymore.”
Cash stayed for dinner. He sat across the table from me, Stetson settling in right next to him. The entire time, Cash carried on conversation with my mother, asking her if she was looking forward to her retirement coming up, which turned into all the trips she and my father had begun planning, which then turned into when the ranch would get handed down to Rhett and me.
I found it hard to concentrate on the conversation.
My concentration was on the man in front of me. Not on the ranch.
Could it really be that simple to just stop being mad at him? There was too much there to just stop being mad…right? Clearly, I’d have to talk to him first—one hundred percent clear the air when it came to him. Tell him why I threw that brush at his head, ask him why he still hasn’t answered any of my messages, ask him why he left, everything would need to be answered before I could just stop being mad.
With how open he was this morning, telling me he saw himself as weak, I knew he would have no issue sitting down and talking with me. It was up to me to find the courage to do it. It had been so long; things had bottled up for so…damn…long. I wasn’t even sure how to begin the conversation.
Do you have a minute…I’d like to clear the air here…
Hey so I’m noticing things, and feeling things I didn’t before…but so I’m not angry all the time, wanna chat?
Don’t take this the wrong way…but…so I don’t hate you…can you tell me why you vanished?
Did you mean to just toss us aside?
Nothing seemed good enough. It would have to happen naturally. An ‘in the moment’ type of conversation.
But there were things that weren’t there before. I noticed the way he was looking at me. A soft smile would appear when we made eye contact even for the briefest second. His eyes would trail and linger on my lips before he would return to the conversation at hand, but the moment he could, his focus was back on me. I could feel him even if I wasn’t looking, and as hard as I was trying not to look, I always found my gaze flickering back to him.
I had to force myself to not think about those flutters that were growing in my chest.
And before I could do anything—before I could even pretend to acknowledge whatever it was that was ‘fluttering’ in me—I had to talk to him.
“Quinn seems to be doing better.” My mother lifted her wine glass to her lips as she looked over at Cash.
“Yes, ma’am.” Cash leaned back into his chair, resting his arm on the back of Stetson’s chair. “She rounded the barrels this afternoon and did great, needs to gain speed though.”
“She’ll be back on the dirt before she knows it. Maybe I’ll just have to show her how it’s done sometime.” My mom chuckled, doing a small dance in her seat. If anyone in Alpine Ridge could show Quinn how to barrel race, it was my mother. “Do you think we can get Quinn and you on the board for the Fourth of July, Cash?” Mom gently set her glass down and gave him a pointed look.
“Quinn, yes. Me? No, ma’am.” Cash tilted his head. “I couldn’t compete again.”
“He did get on a horse the other night though,” I spoke up. “He says he wants to again tonight. How about it, Rhett? You up for it?”
“Hell yeah.” Rhett shifted in his seat. “I need to get some roping in, too. We can have our own mini rodeo in the arena tonight. Whatcha’ say Lach?”
“I’ll be the pickup again,” Lachlan mumbled, standing up with his empty plates. “Stetson, help me with dishes, and then we can go get the calves if your uncle is thinking he’s roping tonight.”
Stetson jumped up from the table, grabbing his and Cash’s plates right before he went to follow Lachlan into the kitchen.
“I told you, you aren’t going to get Lachlan on bareback again.” Cash’s hushed tone barely reached me over the table.
I gave him a cheeky grin. “I didn’t say anything. Rhett did. Don’t give up so soon.”
Cash raised an eyebrow and leaned back in his seat. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”
Narrowing my eyes at him, I stood from the table. “I’ll get the horses ready,” I said softly, handing my plate off to Stetson.
“I’ll come with you.” The legs of Cash’s chair moved against the wood floor and before I had any time to protest, he was at my side, his hand finding the small of my back as he gently guided me from the dining room.
The heat from his palm radiated up my spine and to my neck, a tingle causing me to hitch my breath. Once the night air hit us, my hope was the crisp feeling would take away the warmth from him.
Nope.
I was proven wrong.
Even though his hand had fallen away, his warmth was only amplified.
I could feel him around me, hovering, creating those butterflies I didn’t want to admit were there.
“What’s the best horse for the wildest buck?” Cash jogged ahead of me, pushing open the door to the stable so I could walk in.
“Hmm,” I thought, turning to the ranch’s horses. “My guess would be Blaze.”
“Blaze?” Cash responded. “Please tell me you’re not joking when it comes to his name.”
“Nope.” I spun on my heel, my braid whipping around to fall on my shoulder. “He’s Nick’s, technically. Well….we own him, but Nick rides him the most. He doesn’t really like when others ride him, so he’s a bucker.”
“Good. Let’s get him riled up.” Cash rubbed his palms together, a wry grin forming on his lips.
I eyed him up and down. He began to shift from side to side as I opened the stall, that cocky-ass smile only growing as I stepped into Blaze’s stall. The deep gray horse bobbed his nose at me, already angry I was waking him, but he let me slip on the lead. I took two steps back, and he followed.
“Where is all of this confidence coming from?” I chuckled, Blaze puffing some air next to me.
Cash’s palm reached out to touch Blaze on his nose, stroking down his white patch. “Honestly…” he sighed. “Not sure. Just…with you here, I gotta get on this horse.”
I don’t even think he understood what those words did to me. He was so focused on Blaze as he stroked down his nose. But I was frozen. I gave him confidence? Just from being here? I watched as he studied the horse, learning the way Blaze breathed for a few beats. He was focused on the horse, cooing at him and talking to him. Saying things like, “You won’t buck me off won’t you?” and “You’re a good guy…I can tell.” All the while Blaze bobbed his head and leaned into Cash’s touch. I didn’t give this man anything. He already had the confidence.
His gaze met mine, his lips twisting into a smile that formed little wrinkles around his eyes. I blinked away the moment, getting my emotions in check yet again. He may have wanted to kiss me in the arena earlier—but if I wasn’t careful—I’d kiss him here.
I cleared my throat, remembering my family was on their way.
Forcing myself to remember I didn’t need to feel this way.
I pointed to the tack room. “Can you grab the saddle? Or are you riding bareback?” I changed the subject.
Cash was reaching out his hand to pet Blaze once again, but stopped, frozen in place. He tilted his head and gave me a soft, playful glare. “I do not ride bareback.”
“Ah.” I lifted my chin, finding myself wanting to play back. I wanted to tease and smile along with him. “Only the insane cowboys ride bareback and bulls.”
“Insane,” he emphasized. “I’ll get that damn saddle. You get the bronc rope.”
I led Blaze into the arena, grabbing the few necessary items along the way, catching sight of Cash from the corner of my eye. He had the saddle hung over his arm, the long rope swung over his shoulder, his hat tipped on his head, the bridle in between his teeth. He walked quicker to catch up to me, his eyes glowing once he got closer to Blaze.
“Think I can get a ride in before Lachlan gets here with the calves?”
“You need more than just me in this arena before you jump from a chute, so I veto that idea.” I ran my hand down Blaze’s neck.
“Oh, come on,” Cash groaned.
“Nope, he’s not too thrilled we woke him.”
“Nah.” Cash gave his back a pat. “He’ll have fun, we talked didn’t we Blaze. The event has to be fun for the animal too, right?”
“First rule of rodeo.” I nodded. “You think you got this?”
Cash’s eyes flickered to me, the small, soft smile lingering on his tight lips. He gave me a small nod. “You’re the one who got me back on a bucking horse, you trying to talk me out of it.”
“No, no…” I shook my head, breaking the contact to watch as he laid the saddle on Blaze’s back. “Quite the opposite actually. I know you can do this.”
His smile grew. “Only if you’re there to watch me.
As if it were on cue, voices began to echo around the stables, coming in clearer as my brothers and Lachlan came into the arena. Stetson followed, leading two small calves next to him.
“You weren’t kidding when you said we’d do a full on rodeo?” I smiled, watching my son take the calves to the holding pen. “You gonna ride, Wyatt?”
My twin shook his head, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Hell no. I’ll open the chute and hype you guys up.” He looked over to Cash. “Well, except you.”
Cash winked at Wyatt. Wyatt’s eyes flinched slightly before he stepped away.
“Ah, the announcer.” I smiled. “Big boy pants remember?”
I loved my brother and his chosen career. At least I didn’t have to worry about him getting trampled by a…
Nope.
Wasn’t going to fall into the memory. I was going to be here and here only.
Cash stayed next to me as Rhett did a few runs, a large smile on his face the entire time. He needed this moment with Buckle. Just him and the rope between his teeth. His best time of the night was an eight point nine, and he took it proudly.
“Alright Callahan.” Wyatt’s voice dropped. “You’re up.”
Cash looked at me, his eyebrows waggling as his grin grew, then he made his way to the chute. Following him, I looked around for my son, who thankfully had settled himself on the gate, away from everything. Lachlan mounted Onyx and moved to the side of the arena, ready to be Cash’s pick-up man.
Cash climbed on Blaze’s saddle. He flexed his fingers a few times, loosening them up before wrapping the cinch around his palm. He shifted in the saddle once more before he stilled. He let out a long, low breath through rounded lips before finally giving the nod. Wyatt opened the chute, and Blaze flew out. Literally flew. He jumped, his hind legs kicked once, and twisted, Cash moving with him for each turn and each jump. Cash’s arm never once fell to his side, and his body was positioned perfectly. The look on his face was nothing short of determination. Even the small smile of enjoyment peeking out as he was bucked from side to side didn’t take that away.
He said he was weak. He said woke up every morning knowing that his leg would remind him just how much he had lost. He put on that mask, he put up those walls… weak . I saw anything but.
I saw him.
He was meant to do this.
The entire eight seconds, Cash was focused. He was shining brighter than I had ever seen him, and once the faint buzzer went off and Cash was able to pull Blaze into a gallop, Lachlan came up to his side to pull him off. I realized I never once had that twist in my stomach. I just loved watching Cash do what he was born to do.
Cash jumped from Lachlan’s horse, a slight limp to his first few steps, his eyes locked on me.
If he came up and pulled me into his arms again, I wouldn’t mind it.
I would relish it.
But he didn’t.
Instead, he walked up to the chute where I stood, his arms wide, his smile wider. His eyes locked on me.
“We gotta get that horse in the chute again,” he exclaimed, his shout echoing off the arena walls.
I chuckled. “Told you he was a bucker.”
He clapped his hands together and then rubbed his leather gloves against one another. He watched as Lachlan led Blaze back into the chute, and the horse gave a loud huff. And Cash? He was glowing. He was strong.
“You were wrong, you know,” I said, catching his attention.
“About what? One more ride? I don’t think so.” He cocked his grin. “Hey Lach!” He shouted, turning his back to me.
“No, not about that.” I reached out to grab his forearm, pulling him back to me. “You most definitely can ride again but…you were wrong.”
“Okay, I give up. Wrong about what?” A corner of his lips raised in a smirk.
I couldn’t help but smile back at him. “You’re not weak. After seeing you on that horse, seeing you here…you’re the strongest person in this arena.”