18. Eighteen
Eighteen
Cash
You’re not weak…
You’re not weak…
You’re. Not. Weak.
You’re…weak…
“You’re so weak, Cash, I can’t believe this is what’s happened…I can’t believe I married you…”
I shot up, sweat dripping from my brow as Abi’s voice turned into Carolyn’s. Abi’s words stuck in my brain for the remainder of the week, from the moment she said them, right up until she gave me a soft hug goodnight. You’re not weak . So why my brain had decided to twist them into the last thing Carolyn truly said to me before she asked for a divorce was beyond me.
Carolyn was the reason I called myself weak. She was the reason I knew I would never amount to anything again.
And she didn’t deserve a second of my thoughts.
I rubbed my palm down my face, a long sigh leaving my lungs as I took in the room around me. The dresser with the flat screen TV was in front of me, a small red light in the corner. The desk near the window where my computer and sketch book sat, illuminated by the moon from outside. Twisting, I tapped my phone alive, seeing just how late—or early—it really was.
I hadn’t had a nightmare like that in a long time. Starting out with something I was drawn to, something I wanted to be enveloped in. Abi. And ending with that horrible twist of something I wanted nothing more than to get away from. Carolyn.
Flinging the covers off my waist, I climbed out of bed, the cool air hitting my bare chest. I flicked on the light on the desk, seeing my sketch book open on a messy drawing of Nova. Flipping the page, I turned to see the sketch of the mountain range, Luna and Nova mid gallop and finally, Abi and Luna laying in the field, and the other haphazard drawings I managed to get from my head on the paper. I hadn’t drawn in a long time, and finding the outlet now had become a comfort. I flipped to an empty page and grabbed the pencil that was next to it, pulling out the leather chair and bringing pencil to paper.
An hour later, I had the ranch sketched up, complete with the wooden post sign. Even in messy pencil scratch, this is one I would frame one day. I dropped the pencil to study to sketch, taking it all in. That’s where I wanted to be at this exact moment. There. Hartwell Hills Ranch.
With purpose, I went for my phone, bringing the screen to life. Thumbing through until I found Lachlan’s name, I typed out a text.
Me
You awake?
I knew he was. It was just past four. He was up and ready for the day by now.
But no text came through.
He must be sleeping still.
Me
I’m gonna head to the ranch early if you don’t mind. Can’t sleep…see you for coffee in the main house?
Closing my eyes, I breathed in deep when the first image that came to my mind was…
Abi.
Her smile.
Her laugh as a horse would nudge her as she mucked the stall.
Her arms slipping around my waist.
Her soft voice as she said the words, You’re not weak.
Abi and I had spent the majority of the week in close proximity with each other. She was always in the stables, focusing on the horses that Rhett was supposed to take care of. She loved it, and even though she wouldn’t admit it, I knew it was where she was meant to be. Maybe I was just imagining it, but she wouldn’t fake a smile. I began to get the genuine ones. The smiles when Stetson ran in the stables after school were the best. The second ones I craved were the ones only for me, the ones where she would turn and look at me before she left the stable, our eyes connecting for the briefest moment. She would smile, I would mirror it, then she would turn and leave, her son at her heels. I would watch until they were gone, taking the smiles with her.
I wanted— needed— to be around her more than anything.
Wasting no time, I tossed the phone on the bed and went through my morning routine. Shower, wranglers, boots, meds, and hat. My mind was focused on one thing and one thing only. Getting to that ranch.
You’re not weak.
Her voice still rang in my ear.
I pulled up the ranch in record time. With no cars on the road this early, it didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me was the light coming from the stables. It wasn’t even five. Lachlan was more than likely getting his coffee before coming out. It should still be dark. The main house had its porch light lit, a soft gleam coming from one of the windows, but other than that, it was still.
Something seemed off.
Furrowing my brow, I took one step towards the stables.
Hook was in his stall, popping his head out for a pat once I reached him. Charming was resting, Nova bobbed her nose when I walked by—but my focus was on the blonde, walking in circles around the arena guiding a stunning, black horse around.
Abi looked overly tired. But she walked…and walked…
“Abs.” I shoved my hands in my pockets and walked onto the dirt. “What are you doing?”
She blinked, her eyelids heavy. The dark circles that surrounded her eyes became more apparent the closer she came to me.
“Hey.” Even her voice was heavy. “You’re here early.”
“Couldn’t sleep. Who’s this?” I asked, tilting my head towards the horse next to her. He stopped and started pawing at his stomach, his back leg raising slightly. “He’s got colic.” It wasn’t a question. I had seen this—and walked—more horses with colic than I’d like to count. Poor guy had to be just as uncomfortable as Abi looked tired.
Abi nodded, her shoulders raising with a deep inhale. “This is Boone.” She patted the horse’s nose. “He got here at the beginning of the week, remember?”
Giving her a slight nod, I took another step towards them. I did remember him coming in. He was a racehorse, here for a few weeks for some races. I remembered being introduced to him with a much longer name, but Boone fit him.
“He started showing signs last night. We had the vet come out, but he had to order medicine from the city. So…we walk until the medicine can come.” She leaned against him, but his nudge told her he needed to move. “Lachlan walked him until about midnight, then I took over.”
“You’ve been walking him for four hours?”
“We take breaks. I don’t want to over-tire him, but walking seems to be the only thing that makes him comfortable.” She took a step; so did Boone. “Come on boy…just a few more hours.”
“Abi,” I stopped her, touching her arm lightly. Her gaze went from my hand to my eyes. “You need to rest, let me walk him.”
“No, I got it. It’s my job.”
“Technically, it’s Rhett’s job.” I flashed her a grin, giving her a wink. Amazingly, she smiled back, even if it was a sweet, sleepy, smile. “Let me walk him. You have a boy to get ready for the school day—”
“Kyla said she’d get him—”
“Let me walk him.”
Her chest moved as she inhaled, then she handed me the lead.
“Thank you,” a soft whisper left her lips.
I pulled her into me, then braved a gentle kiss to her temple. I could feel her lean into me, sighing as her entire weight spread over me. She needed to sleep; she didn’t need to be here with a horse.
“Go inside. I’ll wait for the vet.”
Abi stepped away, her arms folding over her chest. She gave me a single nod before turning to leave the barn.
Lachlan arrived as soon as the vet pulled up, his eyes just as heavy and his morning scruff thicker than normal. His eyebrows pinched once he saw me with Boone, but he asked no questions. He accepted me just as simply as he would any ranch hand.
Once Boone was medicated and resting in his stable, Lachlan and I made our way into the main house where hopefully coffee would be waiting for us. I had been walking Boone for three hours, and my leg was sore. Pain shot in all directions. I’ll admit I didn’t think about my leg when I offered to take over the walk; my only thought was Abi.
“Why the hell,” Lachlan started once we stepped into the house, “did you text me at four in the morning?”
“Because I was awake, thought you would be.” I rubbed the back of my neck, forcing my body to keep moving. “It’s a good thing I just came. Abi needed the rest.”
“I was passed out on the couch after walking that horse for hours, or I would have responded. Abi’s probably upstairs since she didn’t get much sleep either.”
“Wrong.” We heard Abi’s voice float from the kitchen, “I’m in here…with coffee.”
I passed through the threshold of the kitchen, seeing Abi dressed comfortably in sweats and a baggy sweater, her hair in a messy bun. The bags under her eyes were still visible, and she still looked tired, but the smile she gave me lit up the room.
“Here.” She poured me a cup of coffee, handing it to me with care. “You must be as tired as I am.”
“What about me?” Lachlan grumbled.
“Get your own damn coffee,” she replied flatly.
Lachlan’s eyes widened and twitched as his gaze met his cousin. “Damn Cash, she must be changing her mind when it comes to you.”
“I just have my big girl pants on.” Abi lifted the mug to her lips and gave Lachlan a sneer, but the look she gave me was anything but. It was…endearing. And it made my heart jump. “Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to go…” She paused, blinking a few times before she looked over at me. “To the stables.”
“The stables?” Lachlan called as she left the kitchen. “He’s fine. You don’t need to go in there.”
Gripping my cup, I gave Lachlan one last glance and left, catching Abi just in time before the door closed behind her.
“You should go to bed.” I caught up to her quick enough, my strides longer than hers. I found myself at her side faster than expected. But still, I would run after her.
“I spend almost every morning with Luna,” she said. “I’m sure Boone is okay, and Rhett assured me he’d muck out all the stalls, but—” She paused. “Luna needs this time just as much as I do.”
Staying silent, I stepped next to her, taking a sip of my coffee.
“And you’re following me why?” she asked, turning to look at me, that small smile on her lips.
“You need time with Luna, I need time with you.”
She hummed. “Okay, I won’t mind the company. I may fall asleep, so…”
“That’s totally fine. You can even use my shoulder as a pillow.”
Walking into the stables, Abi did a quick check on Boone, happy to see him resting, before turning to Luna’s stall. She opened it and let me pass before she did. Luna stood in the center, her ears perking up when she saw Abi walking into the stall.
“Ah, Rhett’s been here.” She took in the cleaned stall, fresh hay on the sides and water in the trough. One less stall for her to muck. “Wanna grab that blanket for me? We can sit on the hay.”
The blanket she motioned to was hanging over the gate. I grabbed it and laid it on the floor, moving my body to lean against the wall. Abi was scratching under Luna’s ear, the mare happy to have all the attention in the world. She kissed her nose, both of them looking more peaceful than anything, before Abi came to sit next to me. Our shoulders touched as she settled, taking the last sip from her mug.
“Thank you again,” she finally said, “for taking over for me.”
I nodded. “Did you get any rest?”
“A little, then I helped Kyla with Stetson and couldn’t go back to sleep. So, I watched from the living room. I saw the vet come and knew you’d want coffee.”
“You made a fresh pot of coffee just for me?” I leaned slightly, looking over at her, faking shock.
She nudged me. “Don’t start expecting it.” She giggled.
A giggle. Abi giggled. It was a sleepy giggle, one that pulled at the corners of my lips. How can I hear that sound again?
“Never.” I nudged her back. “Thank you.”
She hummed again, looking up at Luna. The horse moved then, taking a few steps before kneeling down, laying on her side with her head resting on Abi’s lap. Abi began playing with her mane. Her fingers threaded through the dark black hair. She seemed at peace here with Luna, even if she was tired beyond all reason. The more I watched her interact with the mare, the more sense it made.
“You don’t care that Rhett hasn’t been mucking out the stalls, do you?”
She shook her head, her hands running through Luna’s mane. “Not in the slightest.”
“You like it in here,” I stated.
Softly, she nodded again. “I love it here.” Her head hit the gate with a bang. “The stables are probably my favorite place on the entire ranch.” She shrugged her shoulder. “I’ve always loved being around the horses. I spent most of my time growing up in here.”
“Getting in everyone’s way?” I teased.
“Hell no.” She looked shocked that I would suggest such a thing. “I was mucking stalls. I was feeding the horses. I was giving them baths. I was riding them, breaking them. I was walking colicky horses all night long. I barrel raced—”
“You barrel raced?” I asked, taken aback that in the years I’d known her I hadn’t known that.
“Not professionally, just for fun. I was the flag girl at some rodeos, though. Smaller ones mainly.”
My imagination drifted to Abi in her teenage years, spending all of her time with her favorite horses, dressed to the nines as she waved the flag for the national anthem, maybe even entering into Miss Rodeo Idaho. I smiled at the thought. Even if it was all made up, not really knowing who Abi was before I had met her that day at the rodeo, I could see it.
“What are you thinking about over there?” Abi’s voice pulled me back to reality. I turned to see her, her neck tilted away from me, both her eyebrows raised.
“You as Miss Rodeo Idaho.”
Abi let out a loud laugh that echoed through the stable. Luna lifted her head slightly but laid it back on Abi’s legs.
“I would never pass as Miss Rodeo Anything. Miss Rodeo Has-the-Most-Manure-Under-Her-Nails maybe.” Lifting a hand Abi looked at her fingers. “I can never keep them spotless.”
I looked at her hand. “Do you remember when we met?”
“Oh.” She dropped her arm back on Luna’s mane. “When you thought I was a buckle bunny?”
I scuffed, “No—”
“I clearly remember you hitting on me.”
“How could I not? I saw a beautiful woman standing alone, only my pickup line was terrible.”
“Didn’t you say something like, ‘Is this your first rodeo?’” She mocked my accent, turning to look at me.
Any fear that I had said the wrong thing drifted the moment I saw the blush hit her cheeks. I tilted my lips into a smile. Chuckling breathily, I broke her gaze and looked at her hand. I gently slid her palm in mine, turning to hold her fingers to take in the delicate features, even if she claimed she could never keep them spotless. “You told me, and I think your exact words that day were, “More often than not, I have some kind of shit under my fingernails.’”
“Well, I do.” Abi’s laugh was light, but fun. Her fingers moved against my skin, slowly wrapping around my own, taking in the moment just as I was.
Me and her, just us. There were no distractions of the ranch to take us from each other, and I had the deepest urge to kiss the pinkish tint that still lingered on her cheeks, and then her lips.
“You look good with that shit under your fingernails,” I finally said, almost a whisper.
“I’m not sure if I should take that as a compliment or…”
“Definitely a compliment. You’re not a buckle bunny. You’re not a rodeo queen or a spotless girl who thinks she knows what it takes to run a ranch. You get your hands dirty. You muck the stalls, you ride and break them, you care for the horses and the ranch. You raise your little boy to be just as strong as you. You’re absolutely amazing, Abi. The shit under your fingernails just proves it.”
She inhaled, her lips parting softly.
I could kiss her, right here, right now. No one to stop me, nothing to ruin it. And I wanted to. I could almost feel her lips on mine…
Reaching up, acting on pure instinct, my fingers lightly brushed her chin. Her skin was warm even in the chill of the barn, and soft…just as soft as I’d imagined. The specks of blue in her eyes, that perfect Cupid's bow of her lips…
She blinked; her eyelashes fluttered as she took a deep inhale. Moving the weight of her body, she rested her head on my shoulder. Did she know I wanted to kiss her? For the second time in less than a week? She had to have known. She looked as if she wanted me too. Next to me, I felt her body rise and fall with each breath she took. I kissed the top of her head, resting my cheek against her hair.
“Thank you, Cash,” she whispered before her breathing slowed, and she drifted off to sleep.
And as I rested my head against her, my body leaned up against the wall, Luna with us, I finally fell asleep too.