20. Twenty
Twenty
Cash
The ride to the cemetery was silent. Not even Stetson made a single noise. The only sound was the hooves hitting the ground. It wasn’t silent in my head, though. And I couldn’t turn my brain off.
How did I forget what today was? How did it not cross my mind that I lost someone so important to me five years ago today?
I pretty much wiped that day—and many that followed—from my memory.
The day of his funeral, I watched as Rhett, Wyatt, Lachlan and three others carried the coffin from the building to the car. And then I left. No one even knew I was there. I didn’t even cry. I wouldn’t let myself. I was so mad that he was gone. I was so mad that Carolyn didn’t care. I was so mad that I missed so much trying to fix something broken. I was so mad at everything, and there was nothing I could do to change it. He was gone…and that was that.
The moment I drove away, Carolyn in the passenger seat scrolling on her phone, not saying a word, I knew my life wouldn’t be the same.
Now here I was, heading to the cemetery with Abi, Stetson and my racing thoughts. On the one hand, I was honored she asked me to come. On the other, I was terrified. I hadn’t let myself think of this.
Abi was riding Luna with ease. Her hold on the reins was loose, as if Luna knew exactly where she was going. Stetson would kick Marshmallow into a trot, then slow him back to a walk when he went too fast, his back going stiff as if the memory of his fall took him over. The two of them led the way, each moving at their own pace. But I kept back, moving Nova softly through the flat terrain.
I watched them, my heart fighting to feel the warmth that was growing.
I wanted to be here with them. I wanted this moment.
But…
I didn’t belong here.
Watching the two of them only reminded me of the way I failed them. I had left, unable to handle the fact that my best friend was dead. I left Abi sitting on that hospital chair, all alone after I told her he was gone. I got in my car and tried to break the anger that had taken over.
I wasn’t there for Abi.
I wasn’t there for Lachlan, or Rhett…the entire Hartwell family…
I wasn’t there for Stetson…
I never got to say goodbye to any of them.
I failed them. In so many ways. And I never got to talk to Abi about it.
I was going to be coming face to face with the man I considered a best friend, and then what? Would I stand there and just stare? Would I ask for a private moment? Talk to him? How dumb would it be to talk to a piece of stone? I could technically talk to Sylas anywhere—he would hear, right? That’s what people say? But I never did. So why would I start now and have that moment of weakness when the people who I loved needed me to be strong. Pushing down every single emotion that was running through my veins, I straightened my back, donning the mask I always wore. Abi wouldn’t see me break today.
Stetson kicked Marshmallow into a gallop, bursting ahead of us as the cemetery came into view. Abi slowed Luna and looked over her shoulder, her eyes hidden by the shadow of her hat.
“We come here every year.” She said it loud enough for me to hear. I nudged Nova, coming right up to Abi’s side.
The shadow faded and I saw the emotion in her eyes. She swallowed. “We each take turns talking to Sylas, basically letting him know what’s been happening. Stetson talks a lot, just a warning.” Through the sadness, she smiled.
“And you?” I choked out.
“Everything we say is private.” Abi broke eye contact. “I never ask Stetson what he said, and he never asks me. It’s our moment with Sylas…you know. Sometimes Stetson gets animated, and he talks a little louder than he means to, so mainly he talks about Marsh and the ranch. Sylas knows all about Kyla.” She gave a small chuckle. “And me, well…” she took a deep breath. “I just like to be with him.”
“Do you talk?”
She nodded. “Sometimes.”
“Mom!” Stetson screamed, waving his hands in the air. He was already off Marshmallow, the horse tied to a nearby tree. “Can I go?”
“Yeah, we’ll be right there,” Abi shouted back.
Stetson didn’t even wait; the kid took off running, and Abi and I fell back into silence. Together, we dismounted and tied Luna and Nova up to separate trees, then began the walk to Stetson. He was already sitting on the ground, his hat on the top of the stone. With my eyes trained on him, I didn’t notice Abi until I felt her fingers against mine. Her palm slid in my hand as if it was something she did every day, a natural feeling of the two of us coming together. We walked in sync as I squeezed her hand. And she squeezed back.
Abi stopped me to give Stetson his time, and her body came close to mine. Her opposite hand found my forearm as she drew me close to her, the warmth of her body colliding with the frozen chill that circulated through me. She rested her head on my shoulder, just like the other night at the stables, and we waited. We stood, watching Stetson as he spoke, laughter and shouts coming from him. Abi would let out soft laughs, but her head never left my shoulder. Her warmth never left my body.
Finally, Stetson stood and ran back to us. Abi lifted her head, and didn’t let go of my arm.
“That was a lot to catch up on.” He smiled.
“I bet,” Abi said softly.
“Your turn, Uncle Cash.” Stetson looked at me.
My eyes widened. “Me?” I looked down at Abi. Tears were welling up in her eyes, but she didn’t let them fall. Instead, she gave me a nod and dropped her hands.
“It’s been a while, right? Go talk to him.” She ran her hand down my back, giving me a gentle push forward.
Sylas’ stone was a long rectangle, reaching just to my waist. A soft gray that still looked new, as if five years had nothing on it. The words Sylas Acosta, riding bulls in the sky were etched into the gray surface. Below his name were the dates, and below the dates, the engraving of a bull rider mid jump. It suited him. I half expected to have a stupid saying on it, something he would have laughed at himself. I took a quick look at the back of the stone, semi shocked to see it empty.
“What,” I whispered, feeling odd enough just being here. “No witty remark to get the last word?”
I touched the top of the stone before glancing over my shoulder at Stetson and Abi. Abi stood with her arms around Stetson’s shoulders, his body leaning into her. She gave me a nod and a reassuring smile.
“I feel weird doing this,” I admitted, “talking to a rock…but here we are. You must be so pissed at me.” I laughed, deflecting from the real emotion that wanted to break through. “I bet you’re wondering why I’m even here. Why in the world am I pretending like everything is okay when I haven’t been here for five years. You would probably give me a lecture. Tell me I was being a complete idiot, and that I needed to get my act together. Then you would laugh, call me some stupid nickname in Spanish, and then we’d ride. I miss those rides. The ones where we would take Stetson and build a fire and roast marshmallows. We would drink and talk about stupid shit. You remember those? I should take Stetson out before I leave and do that. It’s warming up enough. Plus, the fire will keep us warm.”
I glanced behind my shoulder again. Abi and Stetson had moved, their backs to me as they walked hand-in-hand back to the horses.
“He’s a good kid, you know. He helped me with the roof on the stables, and we picked out a color for the barn. Lachlan fought us, but it’s red. He fell off his horse a while back, but he got right back in the saddle even after he said he wouldn’t. You would be proud of him. I sure am. And Abi…damn Sy if you could see her now. She’s amazing…”
I stopped. The pit in my stomach grew.
There were so many things I could say to him now, but only one thing crossed my mind. Only one thing I needed to get off my chest and into the open. But forming the words was a lot harder than thinking them.
Before I could stop them, tears began to well in my eyes, and being here…with just Sylas…I let them fall. I sniffed and blinked through them.
“I’m sorry.” I finally spoke, my own voice gravely as the pit in my stomach grew bigger. “I’m sorry I left her. I’m sorry I left Stetson. I’m sorry I…” I inhaled, “I’m sorry I…”
I fell, my knees unable to carry all my weight as I held onto his stone for support. Resting an elbow on my knee I dropped my head, and I cried. I cried as silently as I could, letting every bit of guilt and pain flow through the tears and onto the ground. This was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Opening up, even to a stone—to Sylas—was the one thing I never saw myself doing. And now, breaking down and coming to terms with every single fucking emotion that was flowing through my skin…I couldn’t take it anymore.
The guilt.
The anger.
The fear.
The loss.
I thought of Abi.
The love.
Everything hit like a ton of bricks.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help her through this. I’m sorry I let other things control me enough to not see what was right in front of me. I’m sorry I never said goodbye to you. I miss you…I missed everything so much, and I want to go back to that. I want to feel that again. It feels so good to be back at the ranch. It feels like home. It feels like I could belong here with them, with her. I know I left, and I fucked it up, but I’m here now, and I want to make everything better. Starting with Abi. I want to make this right. I can see why you fell in love with her. It’s hard not to. Ever since the first time I saw her, there was this small flicker—this spark she ignited. And that never went away.
“Did she tell you I hit on her? You know I would have never admitted this while you were alive. I would have never acted upon anything, and now I’m feeling like a shit friend for more reasons than just forgetting that today is the day you died. I probably shouldn’t be feeling this way about your wife, but Sylas, I’m falling for her, every day. I want her near me. I need to feel her there. She gives me the courage and strength to get through all of this. She needs it too—I can see it, and I think…I think I can love her just as much as you did.
“I want to make her smile again. I want to take away her pain…
“I want to love her.”