19 — Catarina Rowedder
“And there’s no point in even looking for me
In other timbres, other laughs
I was here all the time,
Only you didn’t see it”
On your shelf — Pitty
My God!
My God!
Meeeu Deeeus!
I throw myself on the bed, face down, putting my head on the pillow, all I can think about is what the hell I got myself into, because it's such trouble to fantasize about my boss, who is actually Beni's best friend, who is nothing more than my brother in heart.
I'm really screwed.
I close my eyes and talk to my father in my head:
— Look, Dad, I pinky swear that I always behaved, I did my homework, I helped Mom, I never gave trouble. So, why on earth, you up there, instead of saving your beautiful girl (me here, in this case) from trouble, seem to want to get me into it? Why is he fair, daddy? And what am I going to do now?
Drug! I sigh, surrender.
I don't know what I feel, but the moment I saw him, it seemed to me that Noah Foster could read my entire soul as if he had known me for a lifetime and we had some inexplicable connection.
If Beni hadn't called us at that moment, I feel like we would have been immersed in our gazes forever.
That wasn't enough, I felt my intimacy moisten, just because of the closeness we were.
I can't stay here too long, or they'll definitely think I'm hiding. Which is the truth, but they don't need to know.
I wear simple clothes, after all, I'm at home and there's nothing better than a set of sweatshirts and slippers. I put my hair in a messy bun and go back to the living room, however, I only see the Bear and when I look at the kitchen, there he is, standing still, watching nothing.
In a second, everything happens, Beni screams from the living room and a sound of something breaking comes from the kitchen.
— Fuck, man! I'm going! — I contain my laughter, because their interaction becomes comical.
I go to Noah and say, calmly, that I'm going to pack everything and take it to the living room, after a little atmosphere, of course. The damage wasn't that much, but I suspect they're not that good at domestic services.
I separate everything I need, and when I return to find them, I hear that damn name, which repulses me, so I freeze.
I remember my mother and hold back the tears that I feel forming, I will not show weakness, not now.
After Noah calms me down, we talk a little and I realize that my Bear is implying that we are a couple. The strange thing is that I don't know where he's going with this, unless...
No!
He must not have suspected it, but why then?
However, I will not be the one to refute an assumption, after all, he is not disrespecting me, I believe that my boss is only seeing the situation from one angle, men generally think like that about impulsiveness.
Not that I understand much about them, in fact, I don't know anything. I think this is just based on the novels I read. I decide to leave them alone, I believe they need some time to talk, enjoy chatting just as boys, so I say goodbye, going to my room without even looking back.
I close the door, lean against it and slide with my back to the floor, hugging my legs and thinking about my mother, about how she could make me understand these issues. I wish I could share this with her.
I release the breath I was holding and mentally repeat that we will soon be together.
A while later, lying in my bed, a new question arises, how will I look at him tomorrow?
My boss now knows who I am. This may or may not be a big problem, I don't know what to think, but as Sarah says: one step at a time, tomorrow is a new day.
I wake up with an absurd desire to get ready, not that I'm not vain, however, my clothes are all delicate, because that's the style I've gotten used to over the years.
But today, I want to feel powerful, in the style of a fatal woman. It's like it was a need, a desire to show that there is an incredible woman inside me. Unfortunately, I'm still an intern, living in a temporary place, without many clothing options, so the only way is to improvise. I think.
Concluding that there is no reason for that, after thinking about random pros and cons, because I am exactly like that, perhaps, impulsive, but I have a thirst to live, to discover, to be happy, however, it has to be for me and not to please others.
With that in mind, I wear white skinny pants, a looser pink shirt that goes to my hips, tucking one side of it into the waistband of the pants, giving a more casual look, and over it I put on a long, beige blazer. and I finish by putting on my pumps, in the same color.
I sigh when I see myself in front of the mirror, ready to finish my look, but before that, I put on a darker pink lipstick, almost brown, in fact, I would like to put on a red one, but considering that I'm going to work, no I believe it is a good idea.
I love this new life of mine, where I'm rediscovering myself and I'm grateful for everything they're doing for me, every day. Lately, I feel like I want to experience a lot of things that I couldn't and it fries my brain.
If I'm honest with myself, the only thing that bothers me is having to wear this wig and lenses every day as if I existed, but I didn't, exactly like that!
Yes, Catarina, believe me, you are really talking to your reflection in the mirror!
Come on, girl, face another day and see your dream with an appointment.
Noah Foster, the destroyer of my panties!
I laugh at myself as I go to the living room. My head comes up with each one, sometimes I think “what kind of shit is that?”, but I think it's fun, even though it's just my unconscious.
— I see someone woke up excited today, little one!
— Good morning, Bear! — I kiss you on the cheek.
— Have you started bothering Mrs. Sarah at these hours, Benício? — While I wait for an ironic response, I drink my coffee.
— Smart girl, getting rid of the subject. — I hear your mother laughing at us. — Believe me, I'm the love of her life. I need to ask you something. If today Noah asks you about having a relationship, confirm. He won't be lying, but he doesn't need to know for now that he's just brotherly. OK?
I confirm, shaking my head, even though I wonder what all this shit is. Anyway, I can only conclude that Beni is really trying to play a trick on his friend, because he has already made it clear that between us, there is nothing more than a brotherhood, which is very special for both of us.
Drug!
Did he notice something?!
I know myself, in fact, I'm getting to know myself, and deep down, I want to believe that this is a reason for my friend not to hit on me.
Look, I wasn't going to complain, but from what I researched on my dear friend Google, I'm far from the stereotypes of women he usually dates. The few times Noah appeared with a female companion, none even came close to my features, in general they are models, some famous, I don't know.
I confess that I got a little discouraged, not that I'm in love, that's not it. But I know he moves me in a different way. No matter how inexperienced I am, I don't need to be completely naive, the information is there, everywhere.
The fact that I didn't live for many years, and that I experienced some things that I don't like to remember, made me make the most of the time I had by researching some things, in this case in my beloved books, believe me, they can give you valuable information.
Furthermore, my mother, whenever she found some time away from that scoundrel to spend time with me, told me about all the nuances of a woman and her feelings. She did what every mother should do with a daughter, even with our limited time.
— Wake up, my little one! Which memory did you travel to now? — He brings me back.
— In the girlish conversations I had with my mother. — I wink at Sarah. — While she's not with me, I feel entitled to talk to you.
— Of course yes, Catarina, I'm here to be your friend, always. — Kiss my forehead. — Unless my son wants to ask sexual questions! — she provokes.
— Mother! For God's sake! You both have mental problems! — we inevitably burst into laughter.
— Now, hurry up, because we have to go — she says to me.
I check the clock and, indeed, confirm that we are on time. I hurry to finish my coffee, say goodbye to Urs?o with a hug and we continue on our usual route.
Talking to Sarah has opened my mind and I'm sure that together with therapy, nothing will scare me anymore. Honestly, I've been feeling an inexplicable strength, a desire to always win and fight my demons and not weaken.
I feel like the Hulk himself!
In the miniature version, obviously.
I can, I can, I just want to, as Lynn explained to me.
As soon as we get into the car, I see my friend sigh. Yes, friend, a base.
— You know we'll have a longer journey since we won't be taking the subway, right? — I break the small silence. She smiles, starts the car and answers me:
— So, we took the opportunity to clear up your doubts. There's no need to be ashamed of anything, ask whatever you want and I'll be honest.
— He is sure? Because, look, I really have a lot of doubts and you know, Mr. Google doesn't make it easy sometimes...
— Do you know what I learned during the time you were with us? I see a girl who arrived scared, revealing what an incredible and playful woman she is. — Blink without deviating from the road. — I can see your face lit up and I guarantee you, my love, as soon as everything is resolved, you will live free. But now, my young lady, you can begin. Or do you want me to ask? — Without even giving me a chance to answer, he asks. — Have you ever been kissed?
— Does a touch for lips count? That was the most I've ever had from a boy, and it was at school, after a whole class dissecting frogs. And to be honest, I didn't even feel his lips. — I smile just remembering the scene. — I really wanted those kisses, kisses, you know? Of course you know. With all due respect, but Thomaz must have a vibe like that, because as a woman, he's a guy who could be on the cover of a magazine...
— Nina, Nina! You do not exist! — She burst into laughter and I followed her. — True, he really has a great vibe, but before you think, he wasn't my first boyfriend, no. I've always been that type of girl who tried to clear up doubts on my own, something a bit unusual when I was a teenager. — He smiled, as if he was getting ready. — Do you know what my first kiss was like?
— Should I be afraid of the answer?! — earring.
— No, because it was fun, at least for me. So, with a straight face, I asked my neighbor to kiss me, because I wanted to know what they thought was so good about it. — She laughs again. — To be honest, I didn't feel much, maybe he wasn't a good kisser. — He shrugs, very naturally.
— Miss Sarah, I'm shocked.
— That's because I didn't tell you about the first time, you know this neighbor?
— My God, I feel sorry for the boy, he was literally a guinea pig — I responded.
— I prefer to think that it was useful for my research, at that time Google didn't even dream of being “born” — she comments amusedly. — Well, continuing, two years later, he was already cuter, not that it mattered to me, however, it makes the experience more beautiful, if you know what I mean.
— People! — I put my hand over my mouth, I thought I wasn't really right in the head and now I found someone worse than me.
— The two of us have always gotten along well. The kiss was just that one, so it was his turn to propose that we uncover our bodies, that is, we lost our virginity. At the time, I was seventeen and he was eighteen. And it was like that, one afternoon, after class. It wasn't bad, he was extremely careful, despite both of their nervousness, but it made me feel confident about only giving in again when my body felt like it was the right person, and a long time passed before I found my Thomaz. — A passionate sigh leaves his mouth.
— Wow, I'm speechless! But tell me, this friend didn't want to date, I don't know, but I think that's how it worked, right? — I ask curiously.
— Like I said, we were both “advanced” I think, it was that one time and that was it — she answers, calmly. — Anyway, I know exactly what's going on there, inside that little head, and if you accept advice, it's your turn to live. I know you have your concerns, but we are here with you. So, my dear, live your experiences, however, remember to be cautious, always, in this case, live responsibly. — Give me a wink. — It's delivered, my girl. Good job. Later, I'll come get you.
— Thanks. Have a great day!
Another day, I'm slowly freeing myself and feeling alive, but my head starts to go crazy, imagining that today I could bump into the handsome and hot CEO of Foster Enterprise, completely “by accident”.
Our! What a decadent thought, Catarina!
If anyone heard this, they would think I was falling in love with him.
I arrive at my table and see a note with a message from the president.
Excellent! It was everything I didn't need, the stars must be conspiring against me, that just makes my fertile head imagine things that aren't holy.
Nervousness is starting to take over me and when I read it, I feel a pang of discouragement, because the meeting we were going to have has been postponed. I thought I could find him, but apparently he's very busy.
I'd rather think that than imagine that he's avoiding me, since now he knows I'm a walking problem.
Forget about it and focus on work, girl!
I go back to studying the project, and when my break comes, I gather my things and head to House Beer. As soon as I enter, I see John, again leaning against the counter with a smile that could destroy any panties. Oh my!
— Hello, to my beautiful lunch client — he says, in a cheerful tone.
— Hi, John. How are you?
— Everything's good. So, will you be my guinea pig today or would you prefer to choose something?
— Hmm... do we have any news?
— Yes, another new recipe. Can I prepare?
— Of course, I'll wait here. — I reflect. — John, I'm going to sit at that table in the corner, okay?
— Wherever you want, beautiful. — He blinks and goes away.
I reach the table and pick up my cell phone. John's smile and winks, added to yesterday's events and conversations with Sarah, only piqued my curiosity.
It's as if I had an alarm clock between my legs that, instead of beeping, said:
“Time to break the hymen, time to break the hymen!”
I start to have a fit of laughter, after my own thought.
My mind becomes too fertile at times. It's not possible for a normal person to think such nonsense.
I stop laughing as soon as I notice a flash and find John with his cell phone in his hands.
— It’s beautiful, do you want to see it? — I'm sure my cheeks are flushed, but I nod.
I calmly analyze the photograph he took of me. There, my expression is light, happy and like a girl I haven't seen in a long, long time. It recorded who I truly am, not the robot I insisted on being.
— I loved it, can you send it to me? I ask.
— Of course, so it worked?
— What worked? — I question, confused.
— I wanted to ask for your number so we could talk, but I also wanted to record your joy. His eyes now shine brighter.
I start to laugh at his sincerity, we exchange our numbers and he sits in front of me, as usual, as he wants to know my opinion regarding his gourmet experiences.
He's incredible company, I watch him and wonder if maybe it's not so wrong to kiss him.
As Ms. Sarah said, I can discover myself. Why do I have to wait for someone to take the initiative?
— Beautiful? — call me. — Lost there, in that head of yours?
— Yeah... Some very interesting thoughts. — I try to sound sexy, but I realize that this doesn't work for me, however, I need to train, because it is through training that you learn.
His eyes widened for a moment.
Did he understand what I meant or did I scare him away? Oh my God!
Apart from the almighty that inhabits my thoughts, John would be my only option, for now, to satisfy my curiosities and desires.
Not that I'm going to use it, far from it, I know I'm not in love, but I want to have new experiences and there are people who like open relationships, I think that's what I found in a book, like a colorful friendship.
Colorful friendship. I liked it.
From what I know of him, I know he's not a guy who's interested in a serious relationship, so it would be a good thing.
— If they're really me, I can guarantee they'll be interesting — he says, making me blush. — I'm just kidding, Nina. And there? Did you like it? Approved for the menu?
— Yes, very good. And how is your life? Nothing exceptional? No interesting girls? — I probe it while I eat my meal.
— Anything. I don't know if someone will emerge at some point, I'm really from the world. I like the moment, living in the present, planning the future is no longer interesting. — I smiled and what a beautiful shit, I feel warm just from that. — Well, I'm going to the kitchen. See you tomorrow?
— For sure. Good job, John.
— For you too, pretty.
As he walks through the bar, I shamelessly analyze his body, which is a monument.
And what a piece of monument!
Yeah, it might be risky, but it's a good chance. After all, dreaming doesn't cost anything and I already have it.
I'll try, when I build up the courage, of course.
My God, Catarina! What thoughts are these?
After lunch, time seems to be taking too long to pass, the minutes seem like endless hours. Every time an extension rings, I think about the panty buster. I can't concentrate on anything for the first time. I know. I dream too big, the women he dates are absurdly beautiful, mature and experienced, while I'm still a virgin, I've never kissed, I have nothing to offer in terms of “attraction”.
A real shame, because the naughty little voice in my mind feeds the insane desire to feel his attributes, his hands touching me...
And I don't deny it, I really want to find out what it's like, but apparently, with Noah Foster it will only remain in my crazy and deluded thoughts!