Chapter 17 #2
His cousin’s ‘I told you so’ attitude only increased his frustration.
“I will go to the club and set the record straight at once!”
Colonel Fitzwilliam put out his hand to hold Darcy back. “That is all very fine and well, Darcy, but you cannot go like this,” he said, laughing.
Darcy shrugged off the hand. “You will not stop me! And this is no laughing matter, Richard Fitzwilliam. This is a respectable young lady we are talking about!”
“I will not try to stop you, since you are so determined. I am merely suggesting you change into acceptable attire first.”
Darcy looked down and realized he was in his banyan and nightshirt. The boiling in his blood faded, and he was left feeling foolish. He slumped back into his chair and groaned.
“Ever since the moment I spotted Margaret falling into the Serpentine, this has been a never-ending nightmare.” Margaret’s pale face and blue lips appeared in his mind’s eye and the fight went out of him.
“Though I do not regret it for an instant.
Because of me, a beautiful child can laugh and live her life carefree.
“You know, she made a chalk drawing of me.”
“Who? Your amazing Miss Bennet?”
“No, Margaret. The child.”
He sat down again and watched the dip and rise of the fire.
It reminded him of the day he had seen Miss Bennet drying her hair by the fireside.
A smile quivered on his lips. Miss Bennet had come into his life, her vivacity transforming his sister and her sincerity reminding him that the world still had people who lived with integrity.
He could not regret meeting her for a moment.
“Darcy,” said his cousin, “do you still intend to go to the club? Because if you do, I had better send for the carriage while you change.”
Darcy felt something slip out of his grasp, some understanding that was interrupted by his cousin’s question.
“No. There is no point going there expressly to pick a fight, especially if doing so will make matters worse. I can hardly storm over there and challenge Lord Morrison to a duel.”
“Good heavens! Of course not. A duel will be perceived as an admission that there is something between you.”
“Unfortunately, you are right.” He groaned. “I do not know how to resolve this. I feel my hands are tied.”
Darcy slumped down in his chair, a wave of despair washing over him.
“Why do I feel something has happened and you are not telling me?” remarked his cousin. “It is not like you to be in the doldrums. Come, out with it! You will not be able to hide it from me for long. Is this about that sandy-haired gentleman at the theater?”
Darcy knew it would be useless to deny it. His cousin would find ways to get the information from him, one way or the other.
“His name is Mr. Millett, and he seems taken with Miss Bennet.”
“That is hardly surprising. She is a charming young lady, and very pretty to boot. But how do you know his name? Have you spoken to Miss Bennet?”
Darcy recounted what had happened at the dinner the night before.
“That is excellent news, Darcy. This Mr. Millett is the answer to our prayers. This will save me the effort of trying to find someone to marry her. Well, from what you are telling me, he seems like a pleasant, cheerful gentleman. He will suit her better than someone more serious.”
“Miss Bennet is more than capable of serious conversation. She is not trivial.” He took a big gulp of his brandy. “Do not underestimate her.”
Richard gave Darcy another of his enigmatic smiles. These days, he seemed to find amusement in everything. “I see that you do not. It is rare that a young lady meets your approval so thoroughly.”
Darcy took another big gulp of his brandy. “Yes. She has many unusual qualities.” The brandy was starting to fill his head. He was not a person who indulged in drinking, but recent events had rattled him. “She will make a perfect wife.”
“Indeed. The only thing she lacks is a fortune. If she had one, I would have offered for her myself.”
Darcy checked the temptation to lean forward, pull Colonel Fitzwilliam by the cravat, and shake him. How dare he suggest marrying Miss Bennet himself?
“She is not for you.” Darcy snapped the words through a tightened jaw.
“Oh, I know she is not. She is not for you, either.”
Darcy gritted his teeth. “She belongs to no one, if you ask me.”
“I am asking you, Darcy,” said the colonel, his face suddenly serious. “Are you certain you want to step aside and let her marry Millett?”
“It is not my decision to make,” he answered glumly. “It is up to Miss Bennet. She seems to like him.”
“I see.”
“I wish you would be direct, Richard, and stop making mysterious comments. What is it you see, exactly?”
“I just want to be sure you know what you’re doing.”
His words were an icy grip that wrapped around his heart and squeezed it painfully. Of course I know what I’m doing, he wanted to answer, I want Miss Bennet to be happy. I want her to find someone who will save her from scandal. If it cannot be me, then I must accept it is Mr. Millett.
“What is it you expect me to do?”
“When you wanted to propose to Miss Bennet, I tried to discourage you. I did not know then you would make such a hash of things and I did not expect that just a few days later, I would be suggesting the opposite.” Colonel Fitzwilliam threw back his head to empty his glass and rose to his feet.
“It seems to me, Darcy, that you have some thinking to do.”
As Darcy reached for the brandy decanter, Colonel Fitzwilliam snatched it out of his hand and held it at arm’s length, out of Darcy’s way. When Darcy objected, he gave him the stern look of an officer reprimanding one of his men.
“Leave off the drink, Darcy. You need to keep a clear head. You are running out of time. Miss Bennet is leaving soon. While you sit here and drown your sorrows, you are leaving the field open for a possible rival. You must decide what you want, before it is too late.”
As the colonel left the room and the door closed behind him, his words echoed in Darcy’s head. What did he really want?
He sat back and went over some of his conversation with Miss Bennet. Recalling some of the things she said made him smile. She tended to do unexpected things, to take him by surprise. He liked that about her.
It occurred to him that he was spending too much time thinking and talking about Miss Bennet.
He tried to think about it logically. It was true that there were many traits he admired in Miss Bennet.
She was forthright and outspoken. She did not use the usual feminine wiles on him, nor had she ever made any attempt to pursue him.
If he had misunderstood her playful manner when they met to suggest she was interested in him, she had made it abundantly clear that it was not the case.
As he dwelled on this, he was struck by a realization. He had always believed in being honest. Now he was facing an unpleasant truth.
For someone who believed in honesty above all else, he had been remarkably deceitful. He had been lying to himself all along.
He was hopelessly in love with Miss Bennet.
Darcy did not sleep a wink after the unexpected insight.
He spent the night trying to find some peace, but it was impossible.
He could not live with himself if he did nothing to stop Miss Bennet from marrying Mr. Millett.
But what could he do? What would be the point of rushing over to the Gardiners to speak to Miss Bennet, only to be turned away again.
When morning came, he rose, woolly-headed and sluggish. He looked at himself in the mirror. An old man’s face looked back at him, pale and gaunt. This, then, was what he had become.
Darcy forced himself to go downstairs and join his sister at breakfast, as was their custom.
Much as he would have liked to closet himself in a dark room, he knew Georgiana would worry about him, especially after their carriage ride yesterday.
Besides, he had never done such a thing, at least not since after his father’s funeral, when he struggled with the pain of his loss.
“Good morning, Georgie,” he said, doing his best to sound jovial. He helped himself to a random mix of foods without even looking. He did not particularly care what he ate.
But when he sat down, the smell of fried eggs repelled him, and he pushed the whole plate away.
“What is it, Brother? You are not yourself. I hope you are not sickening again. That dive in the Serpentine has affected your health. You look pale.” She came to him and felt his forehead, her eyes full of concern. “At least you do not feel feverish.”
“I am well, Georgiana.”
She looked pointedly at his plate. “You have been picking at your food since yesterday. You sit silently all through our meals. You have not even offered to take me to the park to feed the ducks.” She gave a little smile, trying to cheer him up.
“What would Mama say if she saw you? She would be worried about your health.”
It was not his health that was affected. It was his heart, which hurt as much as any physical affliction. How was he going to bear it, if Miss Bennet married Mr. Millett?
He put his hands to his head and leaned his elbows on the table. He could no longer hold back the pain. A groan escaped him.
“William! You are ill. What is it? Your head? Oh, please tell me!” Georgiana was growing more alarmed. “I shall call for the physician.”
“No,” he said. “There is no need.” He could see from the doubt on her face that she did not believe him.
There was no escaping it. He would have to tell her the whole sorry truth.
“There is something wrong with me, but the physician can do nothing for me.” At her shocked expression, he put a reassuring hand on her arm. “There is nothing physical. It is my heart that is suffering, Sister, and I do not see any solution to my situation.”
Her brow wrinkled in confusion. “What situation? Can I help you in any way? Will you unburden yourself to me so I can understand what is happening? Is it something to do with Pemberley? Have we suffered some kind of financial loss?”
“Heavens! No! Nothing like that!” He was shocked she would even think such a thing.
Still, he hesitated. He had never let down his defenses in front of his younger sister.
He did not usually carry his heart on his sleeve, and rarely confided in anyone.
Except, a long time ago, when he had experienced his first pangs of love for a young lady at the age of sixteen.
He had unburdened himself to his cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam, who had derived great amusement from Darcy’s bewildered confusion.
The pangs had not lasted long, and he had not thought of the young lady for years.
This was different. These were not pangs. They were the stabbing pain of loss.
By tomorrow, Miss Bennet would agree to Mr. Millett’s proposal, and any chance of convincing her to marry Darcy would be gone forever.
“I have done something very foolish, Georgiana. Very foolish indeed. I have fallen in love with Elizabeth Bennet.”
The alarm in Georgina’s face gave way to astonishment. “You have? Is that why you are not eating? I do not understand.”
“A few weeks ago, I would not have understood, either. But I do now. I understand why lost love is the subject of so many songs and poems.”
She blinked. “You are in love with Elizabeth Bennet. Oh, how wonderful!” Joy suffused her features.
Then, as he did not react, her face fell.
“Why lost love? I know your proposal did not go well, but that does not mean she will hold it against you forever. Perhaps there is some way of wooing her, of convincing her to spend time in your company, to get to know you. If she knew you well, William, she would discover what a wonderful person you are. You are the best brother in the world, and I know you will make the best husband as well.”
There was no time for any of that. Within days, maybe as soon as tomorrow, she might be engaged to someone else.
“It is not that simple. She is departing for Longbourn, her home.”
“She is leaving?” Georgiana looked deflated. A moment later, she rallied. “Where is she going?”
“According to Mr. Gardiner, her father owns an estate in Hertfordshire.”
“I do not know how far away that is,” said Georgiana, “but we could write to her. We could keep in touch, perhaps even visit.”
“I have reason to believe she is about to receive an offer of marriage, and my impression is, she is likely to accept.”
“She has not said anything to me.” She frowned. “But then, I suppose she does not consider me a friend. Are you talking about Mr. Millett?”
Georgiana’s shoulders hunched, and she rubbed her elbows as if she was cold.
“You are much younger than she is,” said Darcy, gently, realizing that Georgiana had been hoping for a closer friendship. “You are still not out of the schoolroom. Maybe when you are older…”
Georgiana examined her hands, turning them over, lost in thought, while Darcy struggled to calm the tension inside him. He could not hope for anything but the misery of seeing Miss Bennet marrying someone else.
“Still,” she added, turning to her brother with a sense of urgency. “There might be a chance.”
He shook his head. “There is no time.”
“Brother, you are head over heels in love with her, and, even if she does not return your feelings, I am convinced Elizabeth Bennet will suit you. I believe you will be happy together. You must swallow your pride, apologize for the way you misspoke last time, and ask her to give you time.”
Head over heels in love. Georgiana, who was little more than a child, had worked this out. He gave a bitter laugh.
“I do owe her an apology, but I do not think that will solve the problem.”
“It is better than doing nothing. Who knows, maybe you can even convince her to stay.”
He ran his hands through his hair, torn. Georgiana’s words struck a chord. Every part of his being was spurring him to fight for Miss Bennet. It was not like Darcy to sit back and accept his fate. He was a Darcy, and Darcys did not let obstacles stand in their way.
And yet. Miss Bennet had turned him down because he was a Darcy. Because of his arrogance. Because he had tried to run roughshod over her.
Georgiana’s urgings were music to his ears, but they were spoken in innocence. In any case, for Elizabeth’s sake, he could not urge her to stay. Her father and uncle were right. The sooner she left, the better. She could not run the risk of a full-blown scandal.
Besides, if she liked – Darcy balked at the word love— if she liked this Mr. Millett, then who was Darcy to stand in her way? If it made her happy, that was all that mattered.