Chapter 19
nineteen
I drove the Jeep up a winding road lined with grass and trees. Large, sprawling buildings with red tile roofs and white stucco peeked out from behind the trees and parking lots. As I came to a beige, modern building with a corral-style wood fence lining the street, a red sign rose from the ground with the Tesla T logo on the top in white.
“Pull over.” Micah rolled his window down and leaned over the door of the Jeep.
I pulled to the side and stopped just before the sign, taking in the building. I’d expected something fancier, maybe more glass, from such a high-tech giant.
Pointing to the building, he said, “That’s where I work. I’ve spent so much time in that building.” He exhaled. “I wanted to become an engineer and work there so I could make a difference in the world. If I hadn’t gone to school for software, I’d have done sustainability.” He glanced at me. “The environment is a really important thing to me.”
Another side of him I hadn’t seen before. “I think the environment is important to us all. I mean, if we destroy it, we destroy ourselves.”
“Absolutely. So, you see, I can’t lose my job. I do actually love it. I feel like I’m making a difference, and this company is on the leading edge of technology. It’s an amazing place to work.” He offered me a faint smile, then twisted his head toward the building.
Why did it feel like he was explaining why he wouldn’t be coming on tour with me? “Micah, I get it. You love what you do just as much as I do.” Pain gripped my chest. “We will need to figure this out though, you know, when I have to leave.”
He twisted around to me. “We have time. You told me not to worry about the future, just to focus on today. Today, I needed you to understand why working here is important to me.” He glanced at the dashboard, then back at me. “Well, and to get through this stupid desensitization exercise.”
“Yeah, okay.” Then why did this conversation sting so much? I looked behind me, turned the wheel, and drove the Jeep onto the road.
* * *
A little while later, I drove the Jeep down a pleasant, tree-lined street with well-kept lawns. There was a mix of older houses and modern ones, everything from typical California ranch-style homes to Hacienda-style places. Micah pointed to a house on the corner. “There, that’s it.”
I pulled up to a two-story Tudor-style home made of dark brick with a red door. “That’s where you grew up?” It looked older, but bigger than most of the other houses in the neighborhood.
“Yeah.” He opened the Jeep door and climbed out, resting a hand on the seat to keep the door open. “Let’s stretch our legs, okay?”
“Sure.” I shut off the engine and stepped out, then strolled over to join him at the sidewalk. My gaze landed on a car parked across the street, a blue Tesla. “Hey, look.” I pointed at it. I would never see one of those cars the same way again. Somehow, they felt like they were a part of him now.
He smiled. “They’re everywhere. The lighting system on that model was a fucking nightmare.” He laughed.
“Why don’t you drive one of those?” I asked, squeezing his hand. Why did it feel like I’d lost a little of him today?
“They’re still too expensive, and the batteries in the newer models are going to be much better.” His gaze shifted to mine, catching me off guard. “I don’t borrow money, except for when I had a mortgage on my condo. If I can’t afford something, then I save for it or I don’t get it. That’s why my Mercedes is seven years old. I bought it used from a guy off Facebook and paid cash.”
“Really?” I asked, trying to wrap my head around it. It seemed I was learning so many new things about him, even that he was thrifty. “Why?”
“It’s just how I was raised. My parents are like that, too.” He turned his attention to the house. “My parents bought this house in nineteen-ninety for five hundred thousand dollars, or something like that. It’s got to be worth four million now.”
My mouth fell open. “Jesus Christ, that’s insane.” Real estate was staggering around here. All my friends lost their family homes when their parents divorced. “I suppose they sold it in the divorce?”
“Yeah.” He led me around the corner and pointed to a window inside a dormer. “That’s where my room was.”
I smiled, wrapping an arm around him and pulling him close. I placed a kiss on his cheek. “So, did you ever have boys in that room?” The only boy I’d ever had in my room was Wells.
He gave me a coy smile. “Of course. But only when my parents weren’t home. They’d have killed me.”
“You came out to them when you were in high school, right?” I gazed at the bedroom window, imagining him as a teenager lying on a bed in that room. How gorgeous would he have been? My cock twitched.
“Yeah. I just sat down with them one night and told them. It was one of those sit-around-the-dinner-table-and-talk moments. I was a junior. They weren’t surprised.” He let out a soft laugh. “I suppose it was because my older brother, Daniel, used to tease me about being gay all the time. He knew early on.”
“He did? Where is Daniel now?” Tesla be damned. He was mine now. I wrapped both arms around him and swayed us on the sidewalk, grinning from ear to ear.
“He moved to Oregon, so he could afford a house. He’s married, and they’re getting ready for their first kid. My mom is ecstatic. He went to school for marketing, so he’s the social media manager for a company up there.” He scanned the neighborhood. “My sister…” He turned his focus back on me. “She’s a bit of a free spirit. She’s still trying to find her way, and she lives with my mom.”
“Yeah? How old is she?” My gaze lingered on him, drinking in the way the mid-afternoon sun lit up the stunning features of his face.
“She’s your age, actually. Twenty-three,” he said.
The next stop on our brief tour of his life popped into my mind. Was he stalling with all this talking on the sidewalk? “Hey, Micah.”
“Yeah?” His gaze dropped to my lips before he leaned in for a gentle kiss.
We needed to get this drive-by thing over with. It was time to go home and spend some time together, naked. I smirked. “Hey, we need to go to your old condo.”
His brows drew together. “Yeah, okay.” He released me and ambled back to the Jeep. Once there, he climbed inside and stared out the window.
I got into the driver’s side and glanced at him. He must’ve been anxious about seeing the condo. “Hey, you okay?” Maybe we shouldn’t do this. “You just want to go home?”
“No, I’m okay. Let’s just go.” He sighed, resting his head against the headrest. “Let’s get this over with.”
“Okay.” I started the Jeep and drove toward the freeway.
* * *
A half hour later, I slowed the Jeep as we approached a sign reading Fair Oaks Condominiums . An interesting name for a place tied to such a nightmare. My gaze swept over the beige buildings with wood siding and red-shingled roofing. The patios looked a lot like the ones in Pacifica, and the grounds were full of flower beds and trees. It was nice, not the horror movie scene I’d imagined. “So, how close do you want to get? Should I pull into a parking spot?” I glanced over at Micah.
He sat rigid in the passenger seat, his eyes squeezed shut, white-knuckling the armrest on one side and the center console on the other. His lips moved, but no sound came out.
“Micah?” My heart jumped. What should I do? I pulled into the parking lot and stopped in an uncovered spot, throwing the Jeep into park. Twisting in my seat, I grabbed his shoulder. “Hey, Micah.”
His eyes opened to slits, then snapped wide. His cheeks were pale, his breath coming in quick gasps. “Holy shit, Ash. Th-that’s my condo, right there.” His trembling finger pointed to a building straight ahead of us. “I feel like I’m going to faint or have a heart attack.”
Fight or flight. Panic attack. Shit . “Micah, look at me.” I waved a hand in front of his face.
His gaze locked onto my hand and he breathed deeply, holding his breath after each inhale, his eyes wild as they stayed fixed on me.
“You’re okay. You got this.” I ran my hand up and down his arm, wrist to shoulder, trying to keep my voice steady. Joey’s warning replayed in my head. I should’ve talked to the damn therapist before we did this. Should’ve just kept driving by. Why did I stop? “Y-you’re okay. It’s a sunny afternoon, and it’s just a building.”
His breathing slowed, and the wildness faded from his eyes. “I’m okay. I’m okay.” His focus sharpened on me. “I-I don’t know if I can look at it.”
“That’s okay. Maybe you shouldn’t do that yet. Maybe that’s something for another time. Just close your eyes, and I’ll get us out of here.”
He glanced at the building and froze. With shimmering eyes, his body trembled. “Th-the blood. Ash, it’s everywhere.” His voice cracked. He stared at his hands with his mouth dropped open. “D-do you see it?” He began scrubbing at his hands and arms. “G-get it off me. Get it off!” His voice rose. “Get it off!”
“Fuck.” My stomach twisted. What the hell had I done?
He screamed about imaginary blood as I slammed the Jeep into gear, peeled out of the parking spot, and sped onto the main street. I didn’t stop until we were in the lot of a gas station. Throwing the shifter into park, I jumped out, raced to his side, and yanked his door open.
Hauling him out and into my arms, I whispered, “It’s okay.” I held him tightly. His chest heaved against mine as he sobbed.
“I failed,” he choked out. “I was supposed to be ready for that, but I failed.”
“Damn it, you didn’t fail,” I said, shushing him. “It’s not your fault.” I kissed the side of his head. “Your therapist clearly didn’t prepare you well enough, and I shouldn’t have parked there.”
He calmed, his breathing evening out as he took a deep breath. “Maybe I wasn’t all the way truthful with my therapist.” He sniffled, stepping out of my arms and swiping at his eyes.
I lowered my brows. That sounded like a pattern with him. “What do you mean?”
He turned away, staring at the cars rushing by on the street. He lifted a shaky hand to his forehead. “I wanted to get through the therapy, so I didn’t have to go anymore. I might’ve told him I was feeling better than I was.”
Fuck. I grabbed his arm, spinning him around to face me.
He stumbled.
I clenched my jaw. “Damn it, Micah. You can’t get well that way.”
His mouth fell open, his brows shooting up as he stared at my hand, gripping his arm. Tears filled his eyes. “Wh-what are you doing, Ash?”
Shit. I failed him. As I freed his arm, my heart sank. “I’m sorry.” I stepped back, my fists tightening and loosening at my sides. “If I’d known, I never would’ve pulled into the parking lot.” The sharp edge in my voice startled even me. This felt too much like the arguments I’d had with Lane.
I closed my eyes, forcing myself to breathe deeply. Micah is not Lane. This is not the same. As my voice cracked, I said, “Can we go home now?” I faced him and swallowed a lump climbing up my throat. How the hell could I lose control like that?
“Yes. Let’s go home.” He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. “I’ll do better next time. I promise.” He rested his head on my shoulder, his breath soft against my neck.
“No, I’ll do better next time.” My voice wavered. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have parked there.” And I shouldn’t have let myself get so angry . I pulled him closer, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Let’s learn from this, okay? And promise me you’ll be honest with your therapist from now on.”
“I will.” His chest rose and fell against mine as he took a deep, steadying breath. “I really wanted this to work.”
“Next time, when you’re really ready, it will.” And next time, I won’t be such an asshole .
* * *
I held Micah’s hand as we walked up the path to my apartment. Unlocking the door, I let him step inside first and then shut the door behind us, observing him.
He scanned the room, his gaze landing on the dinette table where I had the digital piano permanently set up for working through the rough tracks I brought home. He stepped to it and ran his fingers lightly across the keys. “So, Jeff got you the keyboard.”
“It’s a digital piano, actually. Yeah, it’s helping a lot. There’s a nice piano in the studio we’re using.” I studied him for a reaction. After the strange day we’d had, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Why had he been so quiet on the drive home?
He smiled faintly. “It’s cool you know how to play multiple instruments.”
“I do. We all do, actually.” I moved closer, sinking my teeth into my lip as I looked him over. Should I hold him? God, I wanted to. “I didn’t know you were such an environmental activist and so good with money.”
He nodded but stayed focused on the piano, his fingertips still brushing over the keys.
Fuck it. Letting out a sigh, I stepped to him and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him into my chest. I breathed in the scent of him and shut my eyes. “Today was hard.”
“It started out all right,” he murmured, slipping his arms around me. “It was so nice to see Joey.”
“Listen, I’m sorry for taking you into that parking lot. I didn’t know?—”
“It’s all right.” He squeezed me and rested his head on my shoulder. “On the way home, I realized that I actually did much better than I thought I would, except for seeing the condo.”
The therapy he was getting this time around had to be working. “Well, that’s something.”
I reluctantly let him go and walked to the couch, dropping onto it with a heavy sigh. Micah followed and sat beside me.
“In fact,” he said, “I think I might go back to work early.”
I blinked at him. “You what? Why?” How did he think that was a good idea?
He took my hands in his. “You need to be with your band right now, and I think I’ve had enough of sitting around here with nothing to do but therapy homework.” He inhaled deeply, his chest rising and falling slowly. “Going down there and seeing Joey and the Tesla building, well, it made me want to get back into it.”
“Okay, but are you sure?” I shook his hands. The image of him screaming about blood in the parking lot rushed to the front of my mind. “I mean, what if you have some sort of relapse?”
“Then I’ll take a day off, like normal people. At least work would keep my mind busy.” He sighed, his gaze dropping to our joined hands.
I didn’t want him weaseling his way out of therapy sessions because of work. “You’d still be going to your therapy sessions, though, right?” I eyed him. “Maybe you should clear something like that with your therapist first.”
“I will. I’ll talk to him about it when I see him tomorrow.” He released my hands and sank deeper into the couch.
“Okay, only if your therapist clears you for work, then you can go back. And no ditching on appointments.” The words tasted bitter. What was I, his parent or his lover? As I fiddled with the hoop in my right ear, I repositioned myself next to him on the couch. “Come here.” I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling him into my chest. “I just want to see you get better.”
“I know you do. I want to get better, believe me.” He nestled his face into my neck. “I also want you to stop worrying about me so much.”
He pulled back from my embrace, meeting my gaze head-on. “I’ll be okay. Let me do this.”
My chest tightened. This felt too familiar. I’d done this with Lane, hadn’t I? “I get it,” I said with a huff, scrunching my forehead.
“Don’t look so hurt,” he said, resting a hand on my cheek. “I still need you, you know.”
“I know.” Forcing a quick grin, I leaned in to place a gentle kiss on his lips.
His hand slid to the back of my head, pulling me closer as he deepened the kiss. “In fact, I need you now,” he said, his voice dripping with heat. He moaned against my mouth, his tongue coaxing mine, as he kissed a line down my neck, his hands roaming over me, teasing and caressing through my clothes.
My breath hitched. I closed my eyes, surrendering to his touch. Damn, I loved it when he took control. Heat surged through me, and my cock swelled. Tipping my head back against the couch, I unfastened his shorts, slipping my hand inside to stroke his hard shaft in slow, deliberate movements.
He groaned against my shoulder. “Take your shirt off. In fact, take everything off.”
Bending forward, I pulled my t-shirt over my head and tossed it aside, then slid my shorts and boxer briefs down and off, leaving me bare. My cock stood hard and ready, anticipation thrumming through me.
He rose from the couch, disappearing into the bedroom, and returned moments later with a condom and lube in hand, a lopsided grin on his face.
My cock jerked at the sight of him. Whatever he had in mind, I was here for it, and so was my body.
Without breaking eye contact, he climbed onto my lap, bowing to kiss me with a ravenous hunger. As his tongue swept over mine, he unwrapped the condom and rolled it over my aching dick.
I groaned, shuddering at the mix of his touch and the sexual intensity.
He slicked lube over the condom, nibbling and kissing my neck. Rising to his knees, he guided my cock to his entrance.
“Wait, no prep?” Our gazes met, and the emotion in his eyes struck me. I grasped his hips, trying to control the moment, but he set the pace.
“No, I want to feel it, the burn.” His hands settled on my shoulders as he bit his lower lip, gradually lowering himself onto me, a little at a time. “Fuck…” His voice broke, his head falling back as his body adjusted. “Damn, you feel good.”
Pleasure sparked through my body, and I fought the urge to thrust, to pull his hips down faster. I focused instead on the pure need on his face.
When his head dipped forward again, he cupped my cheeks, his gaze locking with mine. “I love you.”
“I love you,” I said, my voice thick with emotion.
The sweet, hot friction of his body sent jolts of ecstasy through my body. My hips twitched, craving more, but I let him set the rhythm, savoring the slow, intoxicating slide.
He captured my lips in a heated kiss, and his voice broke into needy moans as he rode me, each movement deliberate.
With a gasp, I thrust my hips into him. “Oh, God. Go faster.” I clutched his hips, urging him on, needing more.
He kept his torturously slow rhythm, teasing me with every measured movement over my cock. His fingers trailed to my chest, kneading and pinching my nipple.
A jolt of pleasure shot from my chest, straight to my balls. I groaned, the need building inside me like an insistent hum. “Faster, please.”
His lips curled into a wicked grin. “No, I want it to last.” He leaned in, brushing a long, smoldering kiss over my mouth. “But you can keep begging.”
A shiver of pleasure rolled through me. God, I could do that. I’d do anything he wanted. “Please, Micah.”
“Please, Micah, what?” The grin on his lips grew faint but no less teasing as he slowed his pace. “What do you want?”
“You. I want you.” Desperation surged through me as I tried to think of some way to coax him into going faster. My hand slipped between us, fingers wrapping around his leaking dick, as I began stroking him.
He groaned, his body tensing under my touch. “Keep going,” he said, his hips still working that maddeningly slow rhythm.
I tugged him closer, my lips brushing his chest as I kissed and licked his skin, trailing my mouth to his nipple before sucking on it.
“Shit,” he hissed, his body trembling as his cock jerked in my hand. His breaths came faster, each exhale a little more ragged. “I’m close.”
“Come for me, Micah,” I whispered, quickening the strokes on his cock, eager to see him lose control.
“No.” He shot his hands down to mine, stopping my movements. His hips stilled as he grit his teeth, meeting my gaze. “Stop.”
I stared at him, taking in the raw need in his eyes. My whole body ached for him. “Damn, you look good like this.”
He took a shaky breath, his chest rising and falling as he tried to regain control. “So do you. You have no idea what I want to do to you right now.”
“Really?” I gave him a sly grin, my cock twitching inside him. “I think I do.” Leaning closer, I flicked my tongue over his nipple, drawing a sharp inhale from him.
He sucked on his lower lip, his breath hitching.
Smirking, I flicked his nipple again, sucking on it while my hand returned to stroking his dick.
“Damn it,” he groaned, his hips jerking to a quicker rhythm. His body moved against mine with abandon, his ass slapping against my thighs.
“Oh, shit,” I gasped, thrusting into him, unable to hold back as pleasure rippled through me, the sensation building.
Micah cried out, his head tipping back as his cock spurted over my hand. The sight of him unraveling pushed me over the edge, and I surrendered to the wave of my release, each thrust sending another surge of bliss through my body. Moans spilled from my lips as I gave myself fully to the moment.
When it was over, he slumped, resting his forehead on my shoulder, his breath still coming in heavy draws.
I leaned my cheek against his chest, savoring the steady thrum of his heartbeat. “What you do to me…”
He let out a deep chuckle. “What you make me do to you.” He lifted his head and ruffled my hair before climbing off me and kneeling on the couch beside me. “Let’s clean up and get some dinner.”
“Okay.” I glanced at my hand, still sticky with his cum. Without thinking, I brought it to my lips and licked it clean. The taste of him always did something to me.
He stood and gazed down at me, arching a brow. “I thought you didn’t like that.”
I ran my tongue around my lips, looking at him. “I thought you didn’t like it. You never did that with mine.”
He shrugged. “Guess I didn’t want you to think I was gross.”
“Nothing about you is gross.” That was the truth. I stood from the couch and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling him into me.
His arms circled my hips, holding me tightly. “I guess we learned a bunch of new things about each other today.”