24. Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Four
Then
H ow could I have been so stupid?
Isn’t that the typical line everyone says when they finally gain back their sense of self-awareness after a sudden total lapse in judgment? Well, I hope so, because that’s what’s been replaying in my mind over and over all morning long.
How could I have been so stupid?
How could I have been so stupid?
How could I have been so stupid?
So. Fucking. Stupid.
I honestly don’t know how he did it. I don’t know how he was able to make me trust him enough to open up. I never open up to anyone, but he made me feel safe, and he made me feel listened to. I thought he was different. I thought that maybe I had him all wrong, and he was a good guy after all, but he proved me wrong.
Replaying last night in my mind, for the life of me, I cannot make any of it make sense. I let him get into my head. I let him get things out of me. I let him touch my boobs!
I desperately try to work it out in my mind, to untangle all the events, hopelessly attempting to make any of it understandable, but I can’t. I just can’t.
Walking over to my bathroom mirror, I stare at myself with a pained expression. This hurts. This feeling of regret burns so deep, it feels like it’s worked its way into my bones. I don’t know how I let myself do this. Pinching the bridge of my nose between my fingers, I try to hold back tears. I don’t like feeling like this. Shaking my head, I bite my lip. I don’t like when things are out of my control. I don’t like when I make mistakes.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I clench my fists at my sides. My chest tightens and a lump forms in my throat. Opening my teary eyes, I bring a shaky hand to my forehead. I need comfort. I need someone to tell me it will be okay. Will it be okay ?
I reach into my back pocket and pull out my phone. I flip it open as fast as I can and hold down the number “2” button. Breathing hard, I will her to answer. Please, please, please.
“Hello? Who is this?”
A choked sound escapes from me.
“Birdie girl? Is that you? What’s the matter, my sugar?”
I crumple down to the bathroom floor and bring my knees up to my chest. “Nan, I’m sad.” My voice cracks. “I did something stupid, and I don’t know how to fix it. I messed up.”
“Oh, my darling girl. Remember, for every problem under the sun, there’s an answer or there is none,” she says, repeating the old adage I’ve heard her say many times during my life.
It has never made sense to me. Because, yes, it’s obvious that there’s an answer or there’s none, but that doesn’t help me at all. I don’t like not having answers. I want answers. I need answers. Why did I let my self-control slip? Why did I let myself fall for Noah? Why did I let him get under my skin?
“Dear Birdie girl, I don’t know what you did, but maybe this is one of those times where there isn’t an answer?”
“I don’t like that, Nan. I don’t like not having an answer.” I bury my face in my knees.
She lets out a soft laugh. “I know, sweetheart. No one really does. But I know you, and I know you will come out of whatever this is on top. You are strong. You are brave. You are one hell of a girl, my sugar. I want to be like you when I grow up.” She huffs a small laugh. “Oh, and you tell that stupid boy to fuck off and never come back, okay?”
That does it. The paper-thin dam that was holding in my tears, breaks and tears of both sadness and laughter run down my face. “How did you know it was a boy?” I manage.
“Sugar, every girl has a moment when they feel like the world is turned upside down because a dumb boy decides to crush their spirit. But we can’t let them. No one should hold that much power over you, sweetheart. It’s not fair to you, or them.” Just then, I hear her ancient cat let out a loud meow in the background.
I close my eyes and picture my Nan sitting in her big, purple chair, cat in her lap, rocking back and forth. The image fills me with so much warmth that it begins to patch up the heartbreak hole that Noah left me with.
“You just focus on getting what you want out of your life. You set your sights on graduating and getting into that school and pursuing your dreams. You hear me?”
“I hear you, Nan. I love you.”
“I love you too, my sugar.” The cat lets out another meow. “I better go feed this damn cat. I swear to God, Bird, I feed him more than I feed myself, and he acts like he’s never had a meal in his entire life.” She laughs. “Goodbye, sweetheart. I’ll talk to you later.”
I shut my phone and bring my head back to rest on the wall.
She’s right, my Nan; she’s always right. This whole Noah thing has left me feeling raw and cracked open, but cracks can be fixed. This is all just a tiny blip in the map of my life. I have so many wonderful things to look forward to, and I need to focus on getting what I want. I can’t always let my emotions ruin everything.
I roll my head back and forth on the wall behind me, questioning how I let myself get so lost in feelings. This entire situation makes me think of my favorite quote from To Kill a Mockingbird. Atticus’ daughter, Scout, says, “Atticus told me to delete the adjectives and I’d have the facts.”
That’s exactly what I plan to do. I just need to focus on the facts and not let any emotions or feelings get in the way of my bigger goals. I won't let myself do anything like this ever again. No boy will ever get in the way of me achieving what I want.
I will work hard. I will finish this year strong. I will get the debate scholarship I’ve worked so hard to get, and I will go to an amazing university. I will reach all the goals I want to reach, and I won’t let anyone stand in my way. These are things that I can control. These are the facts. I can do this.