Chapter 15 The Complexity of Humans
The Complexity of Humans
Alek
I tilt my head against the back of my new office chair, eyes closed, letting the singer’s voice from Not Your Just Because wash over me.
Each lyric stirs a dull ache in my chest.
Hayvin’s talent never fails to leave me in awe.
I bet my girl doesn’t know just how closely I actually do follow her career. I’m sure she probably thinks I know nothing about it. Or anything about her in general.
That’s on me, too.
In my twisted mind, admitting just how obsessed I was with her felt like handing her the power to break me. I’ve seen that kind of power twisted into something cruel, and I couldn’t stomach the risk.
In the end, I was the one who caused pain to the person I love.
I was the one who tainted the love she had for me. The thought twists my insides because I don’t know if I can ever make it right. I want to—God, I want to—but I’m not sure I deserve the chance, or if she’d even give it.
It’s hard to admit that you’re the reason the person you love the most is in pain.
For ages, I convinced myself I wasn’t doing anything wrong. That Hayvin couldn’t possibly be hurting, not from me. I was just hanging out with my friends, nothing more.
She was uneasy about Jerica, but I played dumb. Pretending not to understand was easier than facing the truth about myself.
The more I think about it, the more I understand that I did know.
We always manage to justify the unjustifiable.
At least in our own minds.
I was so wrapped up in self-preservation that I missed the person right in front of me. The one loving me, choosing me, while I kept turning away.
Except in my head.
In my head, I was loving her, picking her, and choosing her.
But even in there, I was lying to myself.
The only person I was choosing was me.
I tried to dodge love’s grip but still keep Hayvin close. It was selfish as hell, especially since she was always honest with me.
I never shut the door on a future with her. But the closer we grew, the more fear tightened its grip, squeezing the breath from my lungs.
It felt like I couldn’t breathe until I built a wall between us. The relief was fleeting, and it only pushed her further away.
Now the distance between us feels like a canyon I might never cross.
There’s only one person, outside of Hayvin or Everleigh, who could help me understand where her head is at.
Someone who has sort of been where Hayvin is right now.
If she didn’t already know what was going on between Hayvin and I, there’d be no way I’d go to her for advice.
It wouldn’t be appropriate. But since she does, I’m hoping she can unstick my head from my ass and fucking spell it out for me even more than she and Keaton already have.
I lift my head and reach for my phone. Hayvin’s face lights up my screen, bittersweet and beautiful, and I can’t help but smile.
It’s the one photo I never want to lose. I’m ridiculously grateful my pictures backed up to the cloud when I shattered my damn phone.
This photo lays her feelings bare. It was taken before I started breaking her heart, back when the look in her eyes terrified me. The wildest part is, that’s the look I wanted etched into my soul.
ME
Hey. Do you think you and Keaton have time to chat?
CHARLIE
Keaton is at work. Give me a sec. Let me check in with him and see where his head is at.
ME
Thanks, Char.
A few minutes later, her reply lights up my phone.
CHARLIE
He said if you need us, we’ll be there.
ME
Thanks. Meet at Grinders, or does he want me to meet you all somewhere else?
CHARLIE
Nope. Grinders is fine. See you in a few.
I exit our chat and pull up Keaton’s number, starting a fresh conversation.
After I left the company, I also pulled away from David.
I haven’t talked to Jerica since that day in the restaurant when I told her we couldn’t be friends anymore.
Things were strained between David and me after that.
Mostly because he was struggling with my decision to cut his sister out of my life.
He couldn’t understand why I needed to do that if I didn’t have feelings for her.
I tried to explain to him that I don’t, but it’s deeper than that.
I hurt Hayvin by using Jerica as a buffer between us when I felt overwhelmed by what Hayvin was making me feel.
Since I planned to do whatever I could to get her back into my life, I needed to cut out anything that might make her uncomfortable.
I’m not sure if Hayvin would mind me staying friends with David, but I put distance there anyway, just to be safe.
It fucking sucks, because he’s been my best friend for as long as I can remember.
But it’s another thing that I have to lay at my feet.
If I hadn’t been so scared of the love that Hayvin made me feel, then I wouldn’t have used Jerica and him as a way to put space between us, and she wouldn’t have had a reason to not be comfortable with them.
As things with David faded, my tentative friendship with Keaton grew. We’ll never be best friends—too much history for that—but it’s enough to call each other friends, which still surprises me.
I’ve not really been able to mesh with anyone at my new job yet, so my friend pool is pretty slim right now.
ME
Thanks for taking off work to come meet me.
KEATON
No biggie, man. You’ve been there for us when we needed it. I still hate you, but I can repay the favor.
I laugh at his text, knowing there’s some truth in it. Since he and Char reunited, we’ve hashed out a lot—shared things we needed to say. Maybe that’s why we can stand each other now.
I know there are some people who don’t like being friends with their exes or people they’ve slept with.
Or some who can’t be friends with them. I can understand them, but not everyone is the same.
What one person or one couple can’t tolerate, another can.
It doesn’t mean either is better or that one is doing it the right way and the other the wrong way.
It simply means that humans are complex.
Nothing about people is ever simple, and honestly, that’s what makes them fascinating.