Chapter 16 Living With Regrets
Living With Regrets
Alek
I linger on the edge, watching Charlie and Keaton’s world spin around each other before I finally step into their orbit.
Their love is impossible to miss. It’s fierce, unfiltered, and almost electric.
The way he looks at her, you’d think she was spun from stardust, something he’s terrified to lose if he so much as blinks.
He once told me that fear never really leaves him.
Any day, she could decide she’s done, that what he did is unforgivable, no matter how hard he tries.
Keaton once let slip that he’ll never stop trying to prove his love, and he’s found a strange kind of peace in that endless effort.
Every day, he gives her new reasons to stay, making amends in a thousand small ways.
For the longest time, I couldn’t stand the sight of him after what he did to Charlie. But now? I respect the hell out of him. Owning up to your deplorable actions takes the kind of guts most people don’t have.
They both peer up at me with smiles when I slide into the booth.
“You all are going to make me sick with that ooey gooey shit,” I tease.
“That usually happens when you fuck up with your own girl,” Keaton quips.
I scrub a hand over my head. “You’re right.”
“Then stop pussyfooting around and tell us what we need to know so we can help,” he says.
“You all know about the shit right after she left, and I came to you all for help. I don’t know. I’m stuck in a fucking loop of playing my fuckups and the ways I’ve failed spectacularly at making them up to her.”
“So what really happened that made her leave, Alek? You weren’t completely truthful and, frankly, pretty freaking vague,” Charlie asks.
“Fuck,” I groan, scrubbing my face and leaning back in the booth.
“You all already know how I used Jerica’s friendship as a buffer for me and Hayvin.
” They both nod. “I knew she was uncomfortable with Jerica. It was easy for me to justify it because I wasn’t doing anything more than having an actual platonic friendship with someone I’ve known a long damn time.
It was this last time that finally pushed her to walk away from me. ”
“What was different about this time, Alek?” Charlie questions, the tone in her voice telling me she already knows she won’t like where I’m going with this.
“She warned me before I walked out the door that we weren’t okay.
But Char, when she told me she loved me, I freaked the fuck out.
My insides were bursting with the need to get the fuck out of there.
There was this insidious voice whispering to me that she was going to break me.
That she was going to destroy me. I was fucking suffocating.
Her voicing it out loud made it real. That power. That ability to corrupt and hurt.”
“Oh, Alek.”
The sorrow and pity in Charlie’s voice have me grinding my teeth together.
“I know I’m fucked in the head. Don’t need your damn pity for it,” I snap.
“Watch your tone,” Keaton barks.
Charlie reaches out and brushes her fingers down his face.
It’s mesmerizing, watching him melt under her touch, his whole body drawn to her like a tide pulled by the moon.
“You’re right. I apologize, Charlie.”
“I don’t pity you, Alek. I know what it’s like to have that kind of fear running inside of you. What else happened?”
Closing my eyes, I pinch the bridge of my nose. I let the pain of that center me before opening my eyes and admitting to my best friend, “We kissed.”
Her brows draw together. “You and Hayvin.” When I don’t answer her, her eyes go wide, filling with anger and disappointment. “Tell me you didn’t fucking go there, Alek. Tell me you weren’t that stupid. After you saw the hell I went through, tell me you didn’t put someone else there.”
Damn. Her disappointment lands like a punch to the gut.
I try to speak, but the words tangle and die, leaving me helpless as I watch tears gather in her eyes.
“How could you do that, Alek? The man I knew wouldn’t have done something like that, and I think that’s the biggest disappointment of all.”
“What?” I whisper.
“Knowing that you were fallible.”
“That’s not fair, Charlie. We’re all fallible. You, more than anyone, know that. You were the one who told me that exact thing.”
Keaton’s staring at me with eyes that see far too much.
“How did it happen?” he asks quietly.
“I went down to help David with moving her. She had just recently found out that Reggie had been cheating on her, so she was hurting. When he showed up, she wanted to hurt him, so she turned around and kissed me, hoping it would upset him.”
“What did you do?” Keaton asks.
I shrug. “Nothing. I fucking froze. I didn’t want that shit, and there was no way in hell I was kissing her back.
I couldn’t even fucking think straight enough to push her the hell away, you know.
It's like my brain malfunctioned. She pulled away quickly, though, and begged me quietly to play along. It was stupid of me, but I did. I told myself I was just helping a friend out because that’s all I was doing in my head.
” I peer over at Charlie. “Say something. Please.”
“First, I want to say that what she did is not and never will be okay. She took advantage of your friendship and the fact that you are always there for her.”
“Because she’s my friend. I’ve always been there for my friends. You know that, Char.”
Charlie holds up a hand. “I know that, Alek. But you’ve given her an unintentional role in your life that she shouldn’t have had.
By using her as a buffer in your relationship with Hayvin, you continually placed her above Hayvin.
In Jerica and everyone else’s mind, you gave her priority above the one you claim to love.
You left so many openings for her to walk through, and she eventually did.
I will never blame you for the kiss, Alek.
You didn't want it, you didn't return the kiss, and if you hadn't been frozen in shock, I have no doubt you would have pushed her away. Because I’m probably one of the few who know your true feelings for that woman, and that’s because I know you. What I will say you were wrong for was playing along after the kiss. You could, and should, have walked away. You should have told her it wasn’t right. That you didn’t want it.”
“I did,” I stress. “Right after it happened.”
“After it happened, Alek. It should have been before it happened.”
“I don’t know if it matters, but we were split up then,” I mutter.
She throws a fork at me, and I barely dodge it.
“It doesn’t fucking matter, you fucking wank cloth.
If you and Hayvin hadn't been split up, Alek, then you would have cheated on her. Not the kiss, but everything that came before and after. Hell, most people would consider what you were doing with Jerica before all of this went down as emotional betrayal, anyway.”
Damn, I’d trade anything for a shot of whiskey right now.
“I never spoke to Jerica about my relationship with Hayvin. It was never like that with us. When I say she was my friend, that’s really all she was to me, guys.
I may have fucked up and used her to put distance between me and Vin, but I’d never have betrayed Vin by speaking out about our relationship to her.
David, yeah, but never Jerica. I didn’t find it respectful to my woman. ”
I flag down a server and order something, anything. I’m not hungry, just desperate for something to do with my hands besides twisting them into knots.
“What was Jerica giving you that your woman wasn’t? What did she bring to you that had you constantly choosing her over Hayvin?” Keaton asks quietly.
“It wasn’t like that, man. She honestly didn’t give me anything.”
“Bullshit,” Charlie calls. “You need to think long and hard, Alek. Because she did give you something, and until you can admit to that out loud, then you’re never going to get anywhere in your growth.”
I go silent, eyes fixed on my plate of fries, her words echoing in my head. The answer isn’t hard. It’s been the same for years.
“She gave me safety,” I admit quietly.
“Safety from what?” Charlie asks.
“From love.”
“Can you explain?”
“I’ll try. I don’t view love the same way as most people do. All it’s ever been to me is betrayal. My parents, David and Jerica’s parents.” I peer over at them with a gentle, sad smile. “You two. I’ve never really known the good sides of it.”
Sadness pools in both their eyes, but only Charlie lets her tears fall. She looks at me like I’m shattering her heart, and the weight of it makes me squirm.
Charlie reaches over and places her hand on top of mine.
“Alek, not all love betrays, but all love will come with pain. It’s the inevitable part of life.
” She glances over at Keaton with an expression so loving, so beautiful, it has my breath stuttering in my lungs.
“The secret is knowing that. It’s taking that pain and letting it mold you.
Letting it create something beautiful from the chaos.
Love is pain, but it’s also fucking life, Alek.
You need to decide if you’re going to run from it the rest of your life, or if you’re going to embrace it wholly and create something so damn exquisite that it follows you into the afterlife. ”
I glance between her and Keaton, not wanting to ask, but needing to know. “Do you regret it? Giving him another chance?”
Keaton stills in his seat, hungry for her answer too.
“No. No, I don’t. It was my decision, you know?
I got the choice of how my life was going to go and the risks I was going to take.
We could die tomorrow, Alek. Hell, we could die minutes from now.
I want to go out knowing that I gave it hell.
That my time spent here was happy. That it was worth something.
I always hear people saying the strength after being cheated on comes from leaving them, and I believe that.
But there’s also strength in staying. There’s strength in waking up every morning knowing that it could be a day full of triggers, but refusing to let it beat you.
At the end of the day, my choice to grace him with another chance is mine.
I’m the one who’s taking the risk. I’m the one who walks through that hell when I have bad days.
Not anyone else. Me. So, people can shame me, they can judge a life that they’re not a part of, they can give their unwanted opinions.
The only ones who ever have to be okay with my decision are me, myself, and fucking I. ”
As soon as the last word is out of her mouth, Keaton wraps his hand around the back of her neck and pulls her to him. The kiss he gives her is full of sorrow, apologies, remorse, and so much fucking love that my damn eyes fill with tears of happiness.
“Do you believe Hayvin will give me another chance? Or should give me another chance?” I ask Charlie when Keaton lets her up for air.
“I don’t know. That’s not something anyone other than Hayvin can answer.
You have three years to make up for, Alek.
Hayvin loved you the entire time while you continuously ran from the emotion.
You need to make her fall in love with you all over again if she ever gives you the chance to.
You have to be completely open and always honest. You have to never put anyone before Hayvin again.
Never, Alek. Because making her feel like a second choice is going to have those same feelings colliding inside her all over again. ”
We all get quiet, each of us lost in thoughts that are probably not good for us.
There’s a mountain of work ahead of me. I know I should talk to a professional, but the thought of opening up to a stranger feels like a thousand needles pricking my skin.
Maybe those phone appointments would be easier.
At least then I wouldn’t have to look someone in the eye every time I tried to bare my soul.
If I want to get this right, to untangle the way I think and stop running from an emotion I shouldn’t fear, I’ll need help from someone who can navigate the maze inside my head.
There’s one thing I want to know before I head out.
Glancing over at them, I clear my throat to grab their attention. “How are you all? The truth. No sugar-coated bullshit.”
Charlie smiles at me, and I know her well enough to know it’s a real one. She reaches over, entwining her fingers with Keaton’s. They give each other a soft look before turning back to me.
“We’re in a really good place now. It’s not always perfect, but it’s good, you know?
He never stops making it up to me and showing me the man he is now.
It’s all I could ask for. We all have pasts, Alek.
Some of us were good people in them, some of us weren’t.
That doesn't mean we should always hold them against us.
There are only a few things in this life that we shouldn't and couldn't redeem. Humans only evolve when we give them the chance. Keaton chose to learn from what he did. He chose to grow from it and become a better person. A safer person. Isn’t that all we strive for? To be better than we were yesterday?”
Does Hayvin have those same thoughts? Can she see me like that?
I’ve never really thought about it like that, but maybe I should. I wasn’t a good person for the three years that I was with Hayvin. But I can learn from that. I can choose to grow from it.
I can be better today than I was yesterday, and I can grow even more tomorrow.