~Chapter 39~
This week has already passed.
And the next.
And the next.
There are about three months left of high school. Everyone talks about it like it’s a finish line. As if, once we get there, everything that was hard will just erase itself.
It doesn’t work that way.
At school, things seem… normal. Too normal. Teachers count our absences, classmates plan their outings, jokes circulate as before. My friends laugh, complain about grades, teachers, Másia’s ass, trifles that seem important only because they don’t matter.
I can handle it. Technically speaking..
I do my homework. I answer when asked. I go through the days without attracting attention.
But I don't talk to the boys as much as I did a few months ago.
Not for any clear reason. I just… I can't anymore.
There's something inside me that closes down every time someone gets too close, when a joke gets personal, when a look lingers for a second too long.
Ash and Niko are there. Always. But I don't talk to them about everything either. I even try to disappear from their pattern. Some things don't get said. They are carried in silence, like a wound that doesn't bleed, but doesn't heal either.
Sergio tries. It shows. He's more careful, quieter, as if he's afraid that if he says the wrong thing he'll break something forever. I don't help him. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't know how.
Silas exists somewhere in the background, like a shadow that no one mentions.
He doesn't do anything. And that's exactly the problem.
And Mom...well, Mom, I don't even know where she is.
We've been with Silas since December, and it's February.
..
Mom hasn't been anywhere in all this time.
Not physically, or otherwise. She hasn't asked.
She hasn't called. She hasn't shown up at the door with some ill-chosen explanation.
Her absence isn't dramatic. It's orderly.
Constant. Like a decision made a long time ago.
Sometimes I wonder if she knows what happened.
Other times I wonder if it even matters.
We don't talk about her. It's a subject that's instinctively avoided, like a missing piece in a puzzle that no one is trying to complete anymore.
Sergio doesn't ask. I don't look. Ash and Niko don't say anything, and I'm grateful for that.
Because there are things that hurt more than a slap in the face.
The fact that someone could have been there.
And there wasn't.
And on top of all that… my birthday is coming.
Maybe for other people 4 months is a long time.
But for me it feels like the pain is coming before I fully feel it.
No one says it out loud, but I feel it.
In the calendar. In the way time is ticking away.
In the absurd idea that it should be a happy day, as if the past years were ever about that.
There are three months left of high school.
And much less time until something explodes, according to Brex.
---
The morning begins with the smell of burnt coffee and hurried footsteps in the hallway. Nothing special. Nothing that betrays what came before.
I get out of bed before the alarm goes off, I look in the mirror for a second. I look… acceptable. Tired, but functional. I practice a small smile, just enough so that it doesn’t sound like a question, and I go downstairs.
Downstairs, Theo is talking too loudly for this hour, and Emy is leaning against the counter, her eyes still half-closed.
Sergio is at the table, a cup of tea in her hands, staring into space.
“Good morning,” I say, in a normal tone.
Calculated.
Theo immediately turns to me
“Hey, look at the model student,” he smiles.
“Did you sleep?”
“Enough,” I reply. It’s not a complete lie. Just incompletely true.
I grab a cup, pour myself some coffee, and sit down next to Sergio.
I touch his knee lightly, a small, almost trivial gesture.
“It’s going to be an okay day,” I say. Not for me.
For him.
Sergio looks up and smiles at me weakly but sincerely.
And for a moment, I feel like that matters more than any truth I could tell.
Emy pushes a slice of bread towards me.
“Eat,” she says simply. I listen. Because it’s easier to take care of others than to explain why you don’t take care of yourself.
While I'm eating I look at the clock and see that it's 7 o'clock.
"What's wrong with you guys being here so early?" I ask with my mouth full, wanting an answer to my unspoken questions
Theo looks at me like he feels I've forgotten something, with a smile forming at the corner of his mouth and a glass ready to be placed in front of me.
Emy giggles first and answers before him
“It’s vacation,” he says, as if that explains everything.
“A week,” Sergio adds, shrugging. “Have you forgotten?”
I stop chewing. That’s right. Vacation.
“And?” I ask. “What are you doing here at this hour?”
Emy puts her elbows on the table. “We’re going out.”
“Where?” I ask immediately.
“I don’t know,” she says. “That’s the idea.”
Sergio checks me out carefully, no joke. “We don’t have school. We don’t have a schedule. We don’t have anyone waiting at home.
” A pause. “We can pretend to be… normal. At least for today.”
Don't say "come on, you'll be fine.
" Don't say "you need this." And that's exactly why I nod.
"An hour," I say. "That's it."
Emy smiles broadly.
"You're lying." Sergio takes his jacket. "But we'll let you believe that."
I get up from the table after eating and go change if we're going out on the town or somewhere.
I put on some loose pants, because it's not that hot, and a slightly tighter T-shirt because it's not that cold. I'm wearing white Nikes that go with pants with a 'I did the Navy' print. I've put on a gold chain. Simple. No meaning. Or so I like to think.
I put my phone in my pocket and head out the door before I even think about whether I really want to do this.
Emy is already waiting for me outside, her hands in her pockets and her hair tied back carelessly.
"You look... surprisingly okay," she says.
"It wasn't hard," I reply. "My standards were low."
Sergio closes the gate behind us. "Where are we going?" I ask.
"Somewhere where we don't have to explain anything," he says.
We walk leisurely. The streets are almost empty, the city is still half asleep. The air is cold, but bearable. The kind of cold that keeps you awake, not that makes you run away.
Emy talks about nothing. A stupid post, a guy who got into an argument with a teacher, a new store.
I listen to her without interrupting. Not because I'm interested, but because it's comforting to hear something that doesn't matter.
However, one of my thoughts is about Ash and Niko.
A small thought of whether he woke up or if they ate, if they still love me or if they died.
I'm really going crazy every day if I have them around me much longer.
Maybe I've even started to have feelings for him, but I don't know, I don't know anything about my body and these feelings.
I don't care. Or I don't care anymore.
Sergio walks beside me. He doesn't say much. He doesn't have to. Every now and then, he touches my elbow, almost by mistake. A kind of silent verification that I'm still here.
We stop at a small café, one of those that opens too early to make sense.
"My honor," Emy says.
"I shouldn't have," I say.
"I know," she replies. "That's why I'm doing it."
We sit on a bench outside, hot glasses in our hands.
The steam rises slowly, disappears into the air.
No one is in a hurry. No one asks anything important.
I realize then that I’m not smiling for them.
I’m smiling because, for a few minutes, nothing hurts me badly enough to matter.
And that’s enough.
We talked for a while on the bench, laughing about how Sophie and Martha, Theo’s sisters, had been somewhere and came back the next day with a different color in their heads and other changes that weren’t on their list.
When Emy started another topic, the phone vibrated so I instinctively looked at him.
It was Nikolai.
Niko: "where are you, angel?
"
I look at the message a little longer than I should, I don't feel like writing anything, I don't want to, but I don't want to not write anything either.
Cass: "we're trying a new cafe"
I send the message before I change my mind.
The phone vibrates almost immediately
Niko: "we're trying?
"
Niko: "who are you with, sweetheart?
"
I look up. Emy laughs at something Sergio said, her hands around her glass.
Nothing suspicious. Nothing that needs explaining.
I look down at the screen again.
Cass: "with Emy, Theo and Sergio"
No emojis. No further explanations.
I leave the phone face down on the table.
As if, if I don't see it anymore, the questions no longer exist.
"Everything okay?
" Emy asks, without insisting. "Yes," I answer.
And this time you're not completely lying.
The phone vibrates once more. I don't look at it right away.
I inhale. I exhale. Then I turn it over.
Niko: "Okay. Text me if you need anything.
"
That's it.
I relax a little, without wanting to.
Not because he asked me for something. But because he didn't ask for anything.
I put the phone in my pocket and turn to them.
"What were we talking about?" I say, trying to start another conversation.
"Nothing important," Sergio says. Perfect.
I take a sip of my coffee. It's too hot, it burns my tongue.
But it doesn't bother me. It keeps me present.
We stay at the little cafe for about 30 minutes, but then we head to the mall to get something, or especially for Emy to get something.
"Guys, I'm going to Christian Louboutin, see you.
." she pauses and looks at her watch "..
. in about 2 hours if you stay" she says with a smile on her face and looks at Theo as if she wants to eat him, so Theo greets us and goes with her, forced.
I look at Sergio, or try to, and I see that he's already too far away to ask where he's going so I head towards who knows what store.
After walking around for a while, I go up to the next floor, walk around there and go up another floor and find Tiffany Co.
I enter it without thinking about stopping at the section where the pendants, necklaces and bracelets are, or in short where the jewelry and accessories are.
" Hello. Are you interested in anything in particular?
" The lady who delivers here comes, named Petra L.
Or the lady I see every time I come here
" Hello.
Not necessarily... just looking for my next investment" I say
" Sure sir" and with that the lady goes off to her work.
I walk through the glittering windows, trying not to get lost in my own reflections.
Gold, silver, diamonds… they all shine as brightly as my thoughts, but none of them come close to what I’m looking for without knowing it.
And then I see it.
A simple, delicate necklace with a small star-shaped pendant and a T next to it.
It’s not big, it’s not flashy, but something about it…
the way it moves with the light, the way it touches the air…
immediately reminds me of Sergio.
"Just take it.
It's beautiful, and it has meaning"
I realize I smiled unintentionally at what Brex said.
"Perfect," I whisper just to myself.
Petra L. comes closer again, noticing how I'm holding it between my fingers.
"It's a very beautiful choice, sir," she says, slightly surprised that I've picked something out so quickly.
"Yes," I answer, and deep down I already know: this is for him, even if it doesn't have any meaning yet.
Without thinking, I hand it to the lady who puts it in its elegant box, simple packaging, but which will give it that air of a little secret that you only share with someone important.
As I pay, I feel a small knot in my chest relax.
It's not just the jewelry. It's the unspoken message: I've been thinking about you.
No words. Just that.
I leave the store with a hidden smile, the necklace in its small pouch, and for a few seconds the city seems warmer. Even though it's cold outside.
I'm still walking around the stores, Cartier, Prada and Fendi, where I bought a leather jacket that looks BOMB, It looks crazy on me.
Now I stopped at a store to eat something simple, maybe something I can eat while I'm still walking around the mall with a small bag and a large one in my hand.
I stop at a bright corner of the mall, where it smells of freshly ground coffee and warm dough.
I choose something simple. A small, warm sandwich and a latte that I can hold in one hand without complicating my existence.
The small bag hangs loosely, the large one gently bumps my foot with each step.
I take my time. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone today.
I sit down at a high table, take a bite, and just then I hear a familiar voice, slightly hoarse, with that tone of someone who has survived a catastrophe.
"Please tell me you're not with Emy," Theo says, appearing from the side with a tray in his hand and the dark circles of a man who's been dragged through too many shops.
I look up and burst into a smile. "No.
But you look like you need therapy."
Theo sighs dramatically and plops down in the chair next to me.
I got away. Barely. She took me "just a little" shopping.
Just a little is three floors, eight stores, and a 20-minute discussion about the difference between shades of black.
Who knew how many shades of black there are on heels?
!"
"Emy?" I ask, as if I didn't already know.
"Emy," he confirms, holding up a finger.
"And yes, I know, she's a lesbian, just friends, no shady intentions, but that doesn't make her any less dangerous when she has a card and time off.
Who's going to get it if we've already been in the mall for 2 hours and I don't know where the hell it is?
"
I laugh and take another sip of coffee.
"He forced you, didn't he?"
"Come with me, I need a male opinion," he says, imitating her voice perfectly.
Lie. "She already had her opinion. I was just the setting. "
I watch him rub his temples and realize that, in a strange way, this meeting makes my day even easier.
As if the mall isn’t just windows and artificial light anymore, but a place where things fall into place by themselves.
“And you?” he asks, glancing at my bags.
“Did you rob half of Italy?”
“Just what I needed,” I say calmly, instinctively reaching into the pocket where I know the small bag is.
“Some things are… for later.”
Theo looks at me for a second longer, then smiles out of the corner of his mouth.
“Aha. That kind of “later”
I don’t confirm, I don’t deny.
I just smile and take another bite. It’s cold outside, the mall is full, but inside me there’s peace.
And for now, that’s all that matters.
Theo also starts eating what he got. I think he's starving.
"What did you get from Prada?" He asks with his mouth full when he sees the big bag there, you can't hide anything from him
"A black leather jacket.
It's really cool, and it looks crazy on me" I say and eat in outline
"How much did it cost?
" He says
"Not much" I say and take a sip of my latte.
He looks at me to continue "only 4,450 euros"
Theo's eyes widen and he chokes, drinks from his juice and says quite loudly
"ONLY 4,450 EUROS, I HEARD RIGHT.
?" I laugh seriously as he coughs again
"After all, I'm rich, why shouldn't I take advantage ,Theo?
Do you want something? I'm doing a treat at Lacoste"
He glares at me and turns back to me.
I look at him with a raised eyebrow
"Don't ever think I'm your friend just because you're a millionaire, doll.
Do you want to ruin my aura of nonchalant Daddy sugar? " We both laugh when he says that.
Theo stares at me for another two seconds, then sighs and leans back in his chair.
“You know what’s annoying?” he says, more calmly.
“It’s not the amount. It’s not that you can afford it.
It’s that you say it like you’re buying a bottle of water.
”
I shrug.
“Because… that’s what it feels like.
”
“Exactly,” he nods. “And that’s the part that pisses me off.
To you, money isn’t an event. It’s a backdrop.
”
I shift my glass from one hand to the other.
“I didn’t ask for it.”
Theo looks at me carefully.
"I'm not saying you do. It's just… it's weird to hear you say 'only 4,450' when I'm still wondering if I deserve a 90 hoodie.
"
I smile a little.
"If it helps you at all, I didn't feel any better after paying.
"
"Of course not," he snorts. "A jacket doesn't fix anything.
It just makes things look better over what's already broken.
"
His response hits me harder than it should.
I'm silent for a second.
Theo realizes it immediately.
"I wasn't referring to you," he adds, more slowly.
"Or… not just you."
"I know," I say.
"But you're not wrong."
He plays with the straw in his glass.
"Sometimes I forget that for you it's not about the girls.
It's more about... control. You choose what you want, when you want. Because you didn't really choose the rest."
I look up at him.
“You’re smarter in the morning than you look.”
“I’m traumatized by Emy,” he replies dryly. “She’s matured me.”
I laugh briefly, then take a deep breath.
"The jacket is just… armor. A beautiful one, I admit.
"
Theo smiles at the corner of his mouth.
"It looks good on you. Even if it's armor."
I look at him, surprised. “You’re not judging me?”
“No,” he says simply. “I know you. And I know that if you didn’t have this money, you would have found something else. You would have been the same.”
Pause.
"Just colder."
We both laugh.
Theo stands up and takes the tray.
“Here. Let’s find Emy before she buys anything else she doesn’t need.
”
I stand up too, grabbing my bags. “If she goes into a store again, I’ll get you a jacket too.
One that will keep your aura.”
“It should be under 100,” he says.
“Otherwise I feel attacked.”
We walk side by side through the mall, and for the first time that day, I don’t feel the need to explain anything.