Chapter 16
16
PENNY
It’s only taken a few weeks to conclude that Collins and I are basically boring—but in a good way. A really good way…
I just never met someone who is content just being with me.
He makes me believe that my company is enough.
That I am enough…
We’ve been eating all meals together. Our outfits often consist of the same color schemes—which is only comical because some days we don’t even bother with clothes at all. And we now have inside jokes on the stupidest things.
When I wake up first, I like to pull pranks on Collins by replacing his toothpaste with garlic paste. I unalphabetize his cupboard shelves and add mustaches to any pantry items that have faces on the labels. Or googly eyes… Those are basically the best ever, especially the really large ones that are in the craft aisle in any department store.
When I’m feeling super ballsy, I tie his shoelaces together or hide my panties around for him to maybe find. Another good prank was when I put a pair in the dry cereal box, and I timed how long it took him to notice.
Tied as my favorite with tricking him over the contract is the time I switched out one of his pens with one that says in a little voice, “I love penis,” every time the tip contacted a surface. It cost me over forty dollars from one of those online boutique shops, but it was worth it. Collins is worth it.
But most importantly, I’ll never get tired of seeing his reaction to my lame attempts at humor.
Almost always, I end up over his knee with the shape of his hand imprinted on my bare ass cheeks, loving every second of his version of revenge.
As much as it stings and as much as I try to wiggle away, it’s that roughness from someone that won’t truly hurt me that I crave.
My therapist at Soulful Mind told me it’s my way of gaining back control from a situation that went tragically wrong. I bet Margo would agree too, although I haven’t been to a session in a while.
Everything Collins and I do is consensual. I allow it. I have a choice.
But when Collins wakes up first, I’m often roused from my sleep by his mouth finding its home between my legs. And that is by far the only thing that will trump my need for a prank any day of the week.
Because when he’s sliding his tongue between my folds, he savors it.
It’s as if time stops and he has no better place to be than living in the moment.
And it’s then that I also center myself and truly remember that I am worthy of that level of pleasure.
“I can’t wait to find out what flavor of toothpaste you chose for me today,” he says with a chuckle, as he grabs ahold of my waist and tickles.
“Don’t worry, I didn’t wake up much before you. I think part of me was hoping to be eaten out, but I could only fake sleep for so long before I gave up.”
Collins’s hands take a leisurely stroll down my body, and I melt into his touch. “You never need to fake anything with me, Princess. If you want something from me, ask. I enjoy taking care of your needs.”
I shift my legs to allow him better access. “Yes, right there, right there.”
He laughs, which in turn makes me laugh.
It’s this lazy comfort that I find so addictive.
“What’s the plan for today?”
I try to think but just can’t, because Collins can’t stop making me feel good.
His skills are better than caffeine when it comes to waking up my senses.
Arching my back, I allow him to massage me to the stirrings of an orgasm.
He squeezes and rubs my breasts, while his other hand pinches and pulls my clit.
I can’t tell whether it hurts or feels good.
The walls of my pussy contract with the anticipation of being penetrated again by Collins Stone. I want him to ruin me and make me crave only his body so that any other guy that comes along will pale in comparison. I know this is temporary, but I want the permanent memory etched into my head of being owned by my bodyguard.
His lips find my neck and?—
Yup. That definitely hurt.
“You bit me?”
“You tempted me with your delectable neck.”
“Oh, no. This isn’t my fault.”
But when he goes rough with his hand on my breast and soft with his hand on my pussy, it’s my undoing.
“Let go, Princess.”
And I do, with his name imprinted in my throat, as I scream out in ecstasy.
“Fuck, yeah. Scream for me.”
And that is how fast an hour can pass.
It takes several minutes to come out of my pleasure fog and form a coherent thought.
“As much as I want to spend my day in your bed, I have to work.”
“Why?”
“Because some of us have to do more than just be a fuck doll during the day.”
“All I’m saying is if you need money, I will always have you covered.”
“I don’t need money, Collins. I need a purpose. Because…” When this is all over, I’ll need something to bury myself in while I recover from the heartache.
“You have a purpose, Penny. You just think you need work to define you, when you don’t.”
“Well, what defines you, Collins?”
“Work.”
I slap his arm. “See? This is my point.”
He kisses me on the forehead, which is such a contradiction to how he rails me in the bedroom. “Listen. You shouldn’t allow something as nonpermanent as a job define you. That’s all I’m saying.”
I prop my hands on my hips. “Then what is my purpose?”
“You bring joy to everyone you encounter.”
“Yeah, right.” Tell that to Jill at the office. I swear she doesn’t like me and tolerates me at best.
“And you are so humble about it that you don’t even see the effect you have on others.”
A sadness washes over me. “I appreciate you saying all of that. I just think that for someone to be more than a ghostly memory after their time on earth is up, they need to do something more profound and meaningful.”
“Sometimes it’s the smallest, seemingly insignificant things in life that can make the biggest impact.”
“Huh,” I say thoughtfully. “I never thought of you as being so philosophical. But I like it.”
Collins smiles. “Glad you approve. Now, tell me about the agenda today. How can I be of service?”
Then his phone rings.
And it rarely rings. So I predict it is important.
“Take the call. I’ll go get dressed for my first photoshoot with Plus None.”
As much as I enjoy the marketing side of the business, I was first hired to do the modeling. It’s a big day for me, and I just want to do a good job to show how versatile I can be.
I meander into the closet where my wardrobe is hanging. Because hair and makeup are done on-site, I don’t need to do much to prepare other than show up in some clothes of my choosing. The email with the details said that a dressing room will be set up in a portable tent and that the shoot will start in a studio and then move to the river.
I throw on a pair of cute shorts and a tank, pairing them with some bejeweled sandals. I then mosey into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth.
It feels like so long ago that I was here at Collins’s place just to sleep. Even then, he was protecting me and looking out for my best interests.
I find Collins sitting on the end of the couch when I make my way into his living room.
“Everything okay?” I ask.
“I’m going to need Chris to drop you off at your shoot. I have something that needs my attention that cannot wait.”
I rock on my heels. “Okay.”
“He might not be able to stay the whole time. But Plus None has their own security, as per Graham and Nic’s demands. So you should be safe.”
“Of course I’ll be safe. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I don’t like being away from you,” Collins states simply, as if that’s enough explanation for his now hyperparanoia. “Keep your phone on, even if it’s in your bag. And keep your ankle bracelet on.”
I look down at the dainty platinum chain that I often forget I’m wearing because it’s that comfortable. “Got it. You seem really stressed.”
Collins fakes a smile. “I just want to make sure you are safe. You really have to go to this photoshoot?”
I nod, growing concerned that he’ll forbid me from going, knowing that there’s probably a clause I skimmed over that will make this even more challenging. “I need to go.”
“Okay. I’ll take you to the lobby. Chris should be here soon.”
Grabbing my stuff, I make my way to the front door.
As soon as my feet step out into the hallway, I remember to detach myself from Collins—just in case. It’s not that I expect my brothers to pop around the corner and surprise me, but the paranoia of getting caught is still very fresh in my mind.
When I’m in public, I have to constantly remember that we aren’t together. I can’t just put my arm around him or fix his tie or prank him.
“Did you tell Chris about us?” I ask, as we enter the elevator.
“No. But that’s only because he figured it all out on his own.”
“Oh… Is it that obvious?”
“Chris and I go way back. We used to train together and go on missions together.”
“I’m assuming not for a church youth group.”
He looks at me with mirth. “No, Penelope. Missions for the United States military—ones that were a bit more complex.”
“I’m sorry you had to leave on bad terms.”
“Me too.”
I silently hope Collins tells me more. He’s already opened up so much more than I ever expected during my first driving lesson, but I want to know about his youth.
“How do you cope without having a family network?”
He shrugs. “I just got very used to having no one to count on.”
“You are a self-made man, Collins Stone.”
He lets out a chuckle. “I guess I am.”
It does make sense, in a way, that he always has time to do whatever my brothers hire him to do. It’s not like the man really has a day off. He is always working.
I may be Collins’s current responsibility, but the dedication to my entire family is what really bonds us all together.
With so many thoughts lingering in my mind, they are quickly forgotten when the doors open and Chris is hovering like a hot air balloon waiting for us.
The man is tall and bulky with huge muscles. He looks more like a bouncer than a bodyguard. I doubt I’ll ever get used to his presence.
He tilts his head to me. “Miss Hoffman.” And then shakes hands with Collins. “Good to see you again, Redeye.”
“Why do you call him that?” I ask, finding my voice again.
“Because—”
Collins shoots him a look. “Because I used to handle a lot of the night missions and red-eye flights.”
“And he could do crazy stuff with little sleep. Best there was.”
“What constitutes crazy?” I ask, genuinely curious.
“Oh, that’s all top secret. But Collins Stone is legendary.”
“Was,” he corrects.
I frown. There’s a sadness to his voice over his discharge. He seemed to excel at that type of work, which is not surprising. When Collins has a job, he goes all-in with the challenge.
Dammit to the assholes who screwed him over.
Leaving the only thing you think you’re good at had to have been traumatic for Collins. He opened up to me during the driving lesson, but it’s now that I see his interaction with his friend that makes what he left behind all very real.
The more I get to know this man, the bigger the picture I can paint in my mind of what makes him who he is.
Collins’s gaze turns to Chris. “Keep her safe. The photoshoot should have security on-site. Touch base with them before leaving the premises for any reason.”
“Easy, man, I got this.”
Collins directs his attention to me. “Miss Hoffman?”
Oh, we’re doing the formalities now? I straighten my posture, but resist saluting. “Yes, sir?”
A smirk plays on his lips. “Please don’t advocate for a detour.”
“Not even to Twisted Shake?”
“Correct.”
“How about Scalawag’s for the dinner special?”
He shakes his head at me. “No one goes to a Gentleman’s Club for the food.”
I pout. “No fun.”
“But the food is great,” Chris points out. “Been there twice already. I found it on Google.”
Collins whips his body around to glare at him. “Shut up.”
Then I stick my tongue out at both of these men. I do it because I know my ass cheeks are safe here in the lobby of our apartment complex. I also do it because I know Collins will punish me for my sass later.
And it’s that sparkle in his eyes that tells me it will all be worth it.
* * *
When I accepted the job at Plus None, I knew that the overall work environment was going to be fantastic based on my bosses, and every time I do anything affiliated with the company, my initial instincts are proven to be true. I just never expected to be having this much fun, while splashing in the Willamette River.
The last four hours was spent in the studio doing indoor shots for upcoming boxes. However, being outside and in nature is my jam. All of my senses are awakened, and I feel like I’m in my element, so much so that it will never feel right accepting the salary and benefits the girls are offering to me. This is way too much fun to be considered work.
But deep down, I know that to stand out, I need to put forth a little extra effort to make this special.
Despite Angie and Claire not wanting to pressure me, I feel like this is my one moment to prove myself.
“Give me flirty, with a side of sophistication,” the photographer directs, snapping pictures of me, while I scrunch up the hem of my white sundress. “Yes, that. That there makes Gino happy. Do more of that. Bring it up to your face. Now look off in the distance and smile.” His friendliness allows me to relax into the task, making my mind float off into another place while my movements become as fluid as the river. “Beautiful. That. Keep doing that dreamy thing. You look like an angel.”
Swaying my hips, I find my groove, allowing my movements to match the energy.
“Is this newfound inspiration about a boyfriend or someone you have a crush on?” Gino asks.
“I, um, don’t…” Have a boyfriend. I mean, Collins isn’t a crush either.
But what is he?
My bodyguard with benefits… That’s what he is. But I sure as hell am not revealing this information to Gino.
“Oh, I see…”
“Hmm?”
“This is a secret relationship?” he asks, but it comes out more as a statement, as he continues to snap shots of me that I can only assume aren’t that flattering. “Nothing says ‘fuck me now’ like a forbidden romance.”
And I lose my composure, bursting out into laughter.
“Yes, girl! These candid shots are going to be gold. I just hope that this secret man of yours is the kind of guy who will suck you at a sex club and then vacuum out your car the next day.”
My giggling can be heard probably a mile away. Not only is Gino’s description of Collins spot-on, but every time I think of him, I can’t help but feel joy radiating through me.
Pictures get snapped as I recover from laughing so hard my cheeks hurt.
But when I tilt my head to the side, I catch the sight of a crowd of onlookers, hanging out on the beach watching me perform . A shyness rushes over my skin, and I can feel the heat from the golden hour’s sun reach my ears.
“Hey, I lost you,” Gino says, snapping his fingers. He turns and looks back at the shoreline. “Wow, you already have a fan club starting.”
I hide my head into my hands, peeking out between my fingers. I’m trying to sell the clothes that Angie has made with her own hands, and yet, the audience gathered makes it seem like I’m selling myself instead.
Gino keeps snapping away, but my eyes keep shifting to those gathered around watching me. “Why are you in your head now?”
“Because I feel like my job is to sell the clothes, and I’m not sure I’m doing that great of a job at that.”
Allowing his camera to fall around his neck on the strap, Gino makes his way toward me, sloshing through the water. “Girl. It’s rarely ever about the clothes in this modeling world. If we just wanted to sell clothes, then we would put them in a light box and skip having anyone wear them. But you are a brand. You are a vibe. You are the it girl for the company. When potential customers see the photos of you having fun, they will want to buy in to that experience too.”
I offer him back a weak smile. “I just don’t believe in myself the way I think Angie and Claire believe in me.”
Gino clasps his hands over his heart dramatically. “Oh, my heart. When you doubt yourself, you also doubt everyone else working on this team. But when you believe in yourself, it shows that you trust us all to make this adventure work.”
Well, when he puts it that way… “Thank you.”
Leaning in to each other, we hug. I needed this.
Moving back into position, I roll my shoulders and shake off the self-doubt that seems to plague me every time something good is happening in my life.
And I try not to think about the expectations of getting the perfect picture. I try not to obsess over moving in flattering positions.
I just allow the experience to take over me.
Time passes, and the golden rays of the sun move forward into the horizon, casting a warm glow to everything it touches.
There’s something special about this time of the day.
When the adrenaline surrounding the photoshoot wears off, the water sloshing around my calves feels a little bit cooler. The air a little less balmy.
I scan the crowd and then?—
No.
I blink.
But he’s still there…
Mark Tanner.
Snippets of memories flash across my vision, like marbles rolling around in a box.
Mark Tanner is here.
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to eradicate my mind from the ghost of him.
He’s in prison. I confirmed he was there. And he’s still rotting away behind bars.
He was the promise keeper for me becoming something in the modeling world.
And I was the catalyst that eventually brought him to his knees.
His face darkens in the recesses of my mind, and a sinister laugh escapes. I feel a chill running up my legs, working its way to my arms.
“Penny?”
Hands grab me, and I crumble into the water’s current, allowing the coldness to soak entirely into the clothes I’m here to model.
“I need help,” I whisper.
I will always need help.
The memory of the monster is a disease waiting for the most inappropriate time to declare war on me.
“How can I help?” Gino asks, hesitant to touch me, probably worried to set me off even more.
My shoulders curl forward, trying to wrap myself into a cocoon of safety.
I dare not look back at the crowd.
Chills run up my arms.
“Let’s get you dried off.”
I don’t blame Gino for being afraid. I’m even afraid of myself sometimes. The guilt is extreme, knowing that my bad judgment of character in Mark Tanner has had my brothers risking their lives to exact revenge on the whole drug ring. What I thought I had healed from is really just an illusion.
“Don’t tell Angie or Claire,” I whisper. First freaking day on the job, and I already have made a fool of myself. Maybe I’m not ready to be back in front of a camera. Maybe I am just as broken as I was the night that Mark shattered the belief I had inside that some men can be decent humans. “Please.” My voice cracks with my plea. This is so embarrassing.
“Miss Hoffman, are you okay?”
It’s Chris. He’s here.
“Please don’t tell Collins that I freaked out.”
He’ll never allow me at another photoshoot again if he learns how upset I got at this one. Maybe it’s too soon to be here. Maybe I’m not as healed as I pretend to be.
If Collins sees me now, he’ll know right away something is wrong with me.
Gino watches as I pick myself up out of the water and wring out my outfit. “I’m sorry I ruined the photoshoot.” Then I notice Chris is soaked from the knees down. “I’m sorry.”
I can’t stop apologizing.
I literally ruined everything.
“Sweet girl,” Gino soothes, “you didn’t ruin a single thing. I got so many amazing shots.”
“Ones of me crying?”
“You’d be surprised how gorgeous someone can look when they are a slave to their true emotions. It’s not just pretty posed pictures that sell merchandise. Real women sell it.” He gives me a warm smile. “And as far as I can tell, you are beautifully real.”
I wipe at a tear running down my cheek. “Thank you,” I whisper, feeling vulnerable again. I’m long overdue for a therapy session. If I’m going to stay out of the facility, I need to start taking better care of myself.
When we make it back onto dry land, Gino’s assistant hands me a towel. I wrap it around my upper body, twisting the ends between my fingertips. He eyes Gino, who brushes him off with the sweep of a hand.
Chris is back to his hovercraft ways.
Taking out his cell, he appears to send out a text.
Dammit.
“Please tell me you aren’t betraying me.”
He sighs. “I don’t think you quite understand my self-preservation skills or Collins’s need to make sure you are safe at all times. If I choose to lie, I choose to die.”
“I’m safe,” I grumble.
“You need to be mentally safe as well,” he chides.
I shrug. “I cried. People cry. Let’s move on.”
A chill hits my body again, as I remember seeing Mark Tanner’s face in the audience of onlookers. He’s haunting me, and he isn’t even dead.
And I don’t think there are enough therapy sessions that can negate the impact he made on my entire future.
He tainted me.
And his memory is a stain that can’t be eliminated.
I hate him.
I fucking hate him.
And as long as he is on this earth, I feel like he’ll always have a choke hold on me.
I am wrapped in a blanket that I don’t even remember being placed around me when Collins arrives.
There’s no point being mad at Chris. He was just doing his job—just as Collins is doing his.
I am the assignment.
The assignment…
The assignment…
I am the assignment.
I am the pathetic assignment.
Pathetic…
I am the dramatic, pathetic assignment.
I am the whiny and dramatic, pathetic assignment.
I am…
“Pen?”
I am…
“Penny?”
I am…
“Penelope?”
I am…
“Princess?”
I…