Chapter 31
Lucy
The walk from the math building to my apartment is six blocks I have done forty thousand times since freshman year.
The October air has gotten colder than it was a week ago, and I have Benson’s hoodie pulled up around my ears with the strings tucked into the collar so the wind cannot get under them.
My tote is on my left shoulder. My keys are in my right hand.
My heart is on the same beat as my fast feet. I can’t believe I’m walking back to my apartment to talk to Gianna after I’ve spent the last several nights trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life. I thought I had lost her forever.
When I reach the front door, I exhale. I have my own key, but I don’t know whether to buzz or to use the key.
Using the key feels like a claim I am not sure I get to make today.
I’m nervous that she’s going to take it back or let me stay, and not knowing what happens next has my anxiety rippling through me.
I end up pressing the darn button and feel like an idiot when it buzzes.
Gianna’s voice through the intercom. “Hello?” she says, genuinely confused.
“Hey. It’s me.”
The buzzer goes. I push through and take the narrow stairs.
When I walk in, she’s standing in leggings and an oversized Camden Wolves t-shirt in the kitchen. Her hair is in a low bun that has half fallen out on the right side. Her face is bare. She looks like she hasn’t slept well in five days.
“Hey,” I say, closing the front door behind me. I kick off my shoes and walk towards the kitchen. I notice my bedroom door is shut, and I wonder how long it’s been like that.
“Do you want tea?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Earl Grey or the ginger.”
“Ginger. Thanks.”
She pulls two mugs out of the cabinet. The kettle is already on. She makes the tea as I set my tote on the stool. I take the hoodie off my head and run a hand over my hair to flatten it. She slides the mug across the island to me. I take it and wrap both hands around it.
“How was — how was your day?” she asks.
I shiver at the thought of waking up to Benson this morning. “Good,” I answer. “Just a normal Wednesday. How was yours?”
She shrugs, and I take a sip of the tea. An awkward silence fills the space between us. I don’t even know what I was planning to say to her. My mind’s gone totally blank.
She sets her mug down and says, “Lucy?”
I glance up.
“I––” She closes her eyes and exhales. She opens them. “I’m sorry.”
I set my mug down.
She continues, “I’m sorry for freaking out. I overreacted. I shouldn’t have kicked you out. I knew it the second you broke down and I—”
I look down.
Her voice is soft as she says, “I’m sorry for everything.”
I look at her. The kitchen is quiet. I can hear the busyness downstairs through the floor. Nothing about the apartment has changed, but literally everything has.
I don’t say anything for a long few minutes. I drink my tea. She drinks hers. The silence is thick with everything else we’re not saying. I’m not sure I can handle it any longer.
“Gianna.” I set the mug down. I keep my hands wrapped around it for the warmth. “Why did you tell me that I’m like Madeline?”
She blinks.
I add, “I’m not — I’m not asking to fight. I want to know.”
She’s quiet for a moment as she looks at her tea. She turns the mug a quarter turn on the counter and then back. When she finally looks up at me she looks tired in a different way than she did when I walked in.
“Because I knew it would hurt you.”
My heart sinks. Knew it. I nod.
“I knew it was unfair the second I started. I knew you weren’t her.
You are not — Lucy, you are not anything like her.
I know that, and I went there anyway because I wanted you to feel as bad as I felt.
” She wipes the back of her hand against her cheek without crying yet.
“I have spent every night you were gone on the phone with my mom. Like, literally every night. She asked me what I said to you that night, so I told her, and she went quiet on the phone for a long time. And then she told me Madeline was fifteen, and I was fifteen, and Benson was seventeen. She told me it was time I let it go.” She pauses, staring at the mug. “And she was right.”
I nod again.
“Mom said — Mom said I do this with him. Like with my friends about Benson. She said she has watched me do it since we were kids. She said I’m pretty controlling, and I’m — I’m working on it, Lucy.
I don’t know exactly how yet, but my mom said I need to relax a little and not get so worked up about how I think things should be.
You know? I guess I have a hard time with that, and I’m working on it. ”
I let that sit in the air and take another sip of my tea. I look at her over the mug.
“I hear you,” I mutter. “I’m not — Gianna, I am not ready to say everything is okay because it isn’t. You kicked me out.” I feel my throat starting to close on me. I say softly, “It felt like you just threw me out.”
Her eyes widen, her lips tighten, but she doesn’t say anything.
“And I want you to know that this week was the worst week I’ve had in a long time.
Worse than the field trip thing with my mom.
Worse than when I had to drop calc III freshman spring.
Worse than cleaning up seven day old cereal bowls at my mom’s house.
That night, I drove to my mom’s at eight o’clock at night with three bags and Bear opened the door and I almost couldn’t tell him why I was there because I didn’t have a word for what you had just done to me.
And then I sat at my mom’s house for two days and watched her be a mom for one night and then go right back to being her old self, and I had to figure out — by myself, on a couch under an old dusty blanket — what I was going to do because of what you did to me.
I know he’s your brother, but that was on you, G. That was on you.”
She’s crying now, but I’m not because I’ve already cried enough over this.
“I know, Lucy.”
I add, keeping my eyes on the counter, “I’m not saying it to be mean.”
She nods.
“I’m saying it because I need you to know that it killed me. I thought you were my best friend.”
“I know. I — I know.” She wipes her tears. “I fucked up, Lucy. I’m sorry.”
I drink my tea and let her have the moment. A few more tears are shed, and then she sucks it up, wipes her face and drinks her tea. “God, I’m sorry.” She dries her face. “I’m sorry, Lucy.”
I nod, letting the silence fill again. I take a sip of my tea. She zones out on her mug for a moment.
“I was staying at my mom’s, and then Benson asked me to sleep over last night.” I look up to watch her face.
“He — what?” she asks in shock. Her tears are gone. “Wait. Really?”
I nod, blushing.
She puts her mug down in a rush and blurts, “No girls are allowed to stay at the Hawthorne House. It’s one of their rules.”
I blink, not knowing what to say to that. “Really?” I ask, and then I recall that is. I’ve read it on the whiteboard downstairs.
She nods her head in disbelief. “The guys were okay with it?”
I nod. “Yeah, they were cool with it last night.”
She lets out a humorless laugh. “Shut the fuck up, Lucy.”
I turn redder, if that’s possible. “What?”
Her mouth opens. “He’s in love with you.” She blinks at me.
I gulp. “What?” It comes out Camdenthless. Benson hasn’t even asked me to be his girlfriend. Surely, this man doesn’t love me.
Her eyes widen, and her mouth falls open into a wide smirk. “My brother’s in love with you.”
“How do you know?” I ask, trying to keep my head on straight.
“I know my brother. He doesn’t give two shits about girls. His life is hockey, friends, parties, hockey. He doesn’t make time for girls.”
“Oh,” I murmur.
“I mean, that’s why I was being protective of you, Lucy.
I’m not trying to justify how I fucked up, but I didn’t want you to get hurt, but this is a good thing,” she offers.
When I glance at her, I think she’s talking to herself more than me.
“He really let you sleep over?” she asks again.
I nod. She leans against the counter. “Huh.”
For a moment, I watch her think deeply about what this means. And then she changes the subject. “I fucked up, okay? I’m explosive, reactive, and territorial over my brother when it comes to my friends.”
I nod, understanding.
She huffs. “But I take back what I said. Don’t move out, Lucy. You’re my best friend.”
“You’re my best friend, too, G.”
She holds out her arms. “I love you.”
We walk two steps and pull each other into a hug. “I love you, too.”
“I don’t want anyone to come between us again.”
I nod. “Me either.”
I let my head rest against her. I didn’t know I needed this hug until now. I really needed it. We pull back and laugh when we both see that we’re both crying. I wipe my tears, and she wipes hers.
“I can’t believe how dramatic we are.”
“We?” I ask. “That’s all you. I’m just here for the ride.”
She pulls me into a quick hug again and says, “Okay. Are we good?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
She smiles, wiping her last tear. “Thank God. I felt like we had broken up.”
I smile. “Same. It’s been hard.”
Silence falls, and it’s not awkward this time. I glance at the clock on the stove, and it’s a little past five, which means Benson is in film.
“Do you want to watch the rest of Love Island?” she asks.
“You mean you haven’t watched it without me?”
She shakes her head. “And I have ice cream.”
I smile. “Yeah.”
She pulls out the ice cream and turns on Love Island. By the end of the episode, my phone vibrates in my pocket, so I pull it out.
She looks at the screen and double takes. “He’s calling you?”
She sounds so surprised. “Yeah,” I say, looking at the screen. “He is.”
“Well, answer it.”
I accept the call. “Hey.” My heart starts fluttering in my chest.
“Hey, baby. Where are you? Thought you’d be here by now.”
Gianna’s mouth drops open as she gawks at me. I blush, watching her face twist.
“Sorry, I –– uh –– I’m actually at home.”
“Babe, we talked about this. You don’t have to stay at your mom’s. Just stay here.”
Gianna’s face falls into a what the fuck expression. She slaps her hand over her mouth. And I don’t know what to say to him. I start panicking.
She pulls the phone to her mouth and in a weird voice, she says, “Hey, bro.”
I hear shuffling on his end. “Is that G?”
I answer, “Oh, yeah –– uh, that’s her.”
“Yeah, it’s me, brother. I have your girl.”
I wince, watching her. She throws her back and laughs when she sees my face.
“Is this a joke?” Benson asks.
“No,” I whisper.
Gianna pulls the phone to her. “No, it’s not. But let me make one thing clear, brother. We may be family, but Lucy is my chosen family, so if you hurt her, I will hurt you. Do you understand?”
It’s quiet for a moment. Then I hear him chuckle. “Fuck, it’s about time, G. I’ve been waiting for you to come around.”
“Yeah, well, I made a mistake, and I’m owning up to it. And guess what? She’s not coming over tonight because she’s staying home with me.”
“Oh,” he laughs. “Is that, right? Lucy?”
I look at her over the phone. “Actually, I wanted to see him tonight.”
Gianna rolls her eyes, and then she says into the phone, “Whatever, lovebirds. I’m so serious, Benson, if you hurt her, I will never forgive you.”
She gets up and walks into her bedroom. A deep heavy emotion rolls through me. At first, I don’t think I’m going to cry. But she just had a two-second conversation with Benson that means she’s on board with us, and her approval means the world to me. I take a deep Camdenth.
After it’s gone silent, Benson says, “Lucy, are you still there?”
His voice sends me to the place I don’t want to go. It’s scary here. Now that we have her approval, he might decide he doesn’t want me. He might change his mind. Her approval doesn’t change things, but it changes everything. “Yeah,” I say with tears in my eyes.
“Can G hear me?”
“No.”
He asks, “Are you okay? Do you need me to come over?”
“I don’t know,” I say, wiping my tears.
“Okay, I’m coming.”
“What? No.”
“My sister just gave me the greenlight, babe, and I have to talk to her to make sure this isn’t a fluke, alright? I’m coming over.”
I nod, drying my face with his sleeve. “Okay.”
“Be there in five.”