Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
Lainey
“Aren’t you even a little excited about the ultrasound?” my mother asked as we sat on a floral sofa in the OB/GYN’s waiting room. “We might get to find out the sex today!”
“I don’t want to know the sex,” I told her.
“Why not? Don’t you want to pick out a theme for the nursery and get the right color clothes?” She was definitely disappointed by my lack of enthusiasm. It was as if she believed she could be excited enough for both of us.
I shrugged. “I don’t care if it’s a boy or girl as long as it’s healthy.”
“What about names? You’d only have to choose one name,” she argued.
“I’m sure choosing two names won’t be that difficult,” was my response.
“Elaine Bell?” a nurse called from the doorway. She smiled when she made eye contact with me.
I nodded and stood up. My mother was right on my heels. I briefly considered asking her to stay in the waiting room, but I didn’t feel like crushing her soul today. I just didn’t have the energy to deal with the fallout.
She could be so pushy sometimes, and that quality had only grown tenfold since I’d discovered I was expecting. I wanted to ask my doctor if there was a way to do a DNA test to see if the baby was Noah’s or Ty’s, but I never got a moment alone with her. My mother was always right there.
We settled into the exam room, and the nurse gave me instructions and a gown to put on. My mother didn’t even offer to step out while I changed. Minutes later, I was on the table, and the ultrasound technician was squirting warm gel on my belly.
The probe pushed into my skin, rolling back and forth as images appeared on the screen. “Oh, here we go.” She smiled at the image. “Looks like a healthy baby! And, remind me, you said you do or don’t want to know the baby’s gender?”
“I don’t,” I confirmed. I took a deep breath, letting the discomfort of the probe and my mother hovering over me settle. I blinked a few times and focused on the screen.
It did look like a baby.
I didn’t know what I was expecting. An owl?
I saw the shape of the head and abdomen, the spine and limbs. The ultrasound tech moved the probe, stopped, took measurements, took photos, and then started again. This was surreal. This thing was really moving and growing inside me? What had been an abstract concept seemed pretty damn real now.
“Everything looks on track. You’re measuring right on target. Eighteen weeks,” she said.
“That’s wonderful, Lainey! He—or she—looks adorable! I can’t wait to meet the little guy. Or girl!” my mother cooed.
When I had changed, scheduled my next appointment, and shrugged on my jacket, my mother asked if I wanted to grab some lunch. I wrinkled up my nose. “Sorry, food still isn’t very appealing to me yet.”
“You’re eating for two now,” she reminded me as we headed to the parking lot. “The doctor hasn’t said anything about your weight loss. You’re supposed to be gaining weight, you know.”
“I have plenty to spare.” I rolled my eyes as we took the elevator down to the first floor.
“I was wondering,” she said as the doors slid closed. “Do you ever talk to anyone Noah worked with? What about that Officer Jones? Wasn’t he Noah’s partner?”
The random, unexpected mention of Ty made my heart pound against my ribs. I tried to mask my shock as the elevator doors slid open, but my mother was still in Nonna Mode.
“I just wondered if anyone at his work knows about the baby,” my mom said. “Maybe they’ll throw you a shower or something? I thought they would want to stay involved in your life.”
“Um, sure, I still talk to some of the other wives.” I didn’t talk to any of them in person—but we were friends on Facebook.
They’d brought food for a couple weeks after the funeral, and one or two reached out from time to time to check on me.
I also had some of Noah’s co-workers’ kids in my classes at school.
Speaking of school, I was close with several of my fellow teachers, and they were already planning a baby shower for me.
I hadn’t wanted to share the news so soon, but my mother had a big mouth, and we lived in a small town. There was no chance of me keeping my pregnancy a secret, and everyone whispered behind my back that maybe it would help ease the pain of losing Noah to have a piece of him with me.
But was it a piece of him?
* * *
Every Tuesday since the night I told Ty I was pregnant, he’d sent me flowers. My family didn’t seem to notice because I still had a lot of miscellaneous planters and such around the house that were sent after Noah passed.
Today’s delivery was a Christmas cactus. I’d almost forgotten it was nearly Christmas. I hadn’t put up a tree or bought any gifts, and the thought of holiday baking churned my stomach.
“I’m still hoping to hear from you,” the note read. “Please let me know how you are. I worry about you.”
I was a bitch, wasn’t I? For not contacting him?
I told him I needed time, but he never gave up on me. He sent the flowers. He drove by my house in his cruiser when he was working, just checking to make sure I was okay. He was an amazing man. So kind, so strong.
It caught me off guard when my mother mentioned him at my ultrasound last week.
She specifically said his name. We’d hosted a cookout over the summer and invited our families and work friends—so Ty met both my family and Noah’s.
We had damn near fifty people in our modest backyard.
Flashes of Noah and Ty manning the grill and serving up mouthwatering ribs and barbecue chicken filled my mind as I changed out of my work clothes and started a load of laundry.
I put the Christmas cactus with some other plants in the bay window in the living room where they could bask in the morning light. When I returned with a full watering can to give them all a drink, I saw a cardinal hopping along the porch railing. His gorgeous crimson plumage took my breath away.
My heart rate spiked when he stopped and turned, seeming to look right at me. He almost looked like a little statue, not even real, but then he dipped his head, hopped a few steps, and faced me again.
I’d always heard that a cardinal represented the spirit of a loved one visiting you from heaven. I never believed it until a warmth rushed through me, and I felt a sensation in my lower tummy like bubbles popping.
Somehow I knew it was Noah.
And the baby.
They were ganging up on me.
Telling me it was time to talk to Ty.